Blessed & Broken

Chapter 20

For the next nine months, my relationship with Luke became one of being more than just friends. I would accompany him to business functions and weekend trips. We traveled many places throughout the U.S. and I was able to go back to school and share my experiences with my students.

Luke would shower me in lavish gifts of flowers and jewelry, to beautiful high-class outfits for business dinners. It seemed as though something was being delivered to my house on a weekly basis. They were all wonderful and I appreciated them, but I still felt as if I were playing a role. At the end of the day, it just wasn’t me. I liked being with him, not what he could provide me.

I could tell that my mom and Gemma where still not thrilled about the choice that I had made being with Luke, but they stayed cordial. Gemma distanced herself from me, but kept in just enough contact so that I knew she was still there.

One evening, when Luke invited my mom and George to dinner, my mom was her very sweet self, only quieter. When Luke would come over, she would disappear into her bedroom. She told me that it was to give us our privacy, but I knew better.

I still thought about Ian. I thought about him quite often actually. There would be sometimes when I would imagine that Luke was him. I enjoyed being with Luke, but nothing would ever compare to the love that I felt for Ian. Ian had my whole heart and that’s the way that it would always stay. 

I would still go visit my dad when I had free time, which wasn’t very often anymore. My life had become extremely busy. When I wasn’t teaching, the rest of my time was devoted to Luke and his needs. I cherished the time I was able to spend at the cemetery talking to my dad. In some strange way, when I went there, I felt closer to Ian too. Every time I would be sitting next to the cold granite gravestone, I would catch myself looking for furry little creatures or any other signs that Ian was maybe still around me.

In another way, I was grateful for all of the busyness that engulfed my life. It kept my mind cluttered with things that would keep the heartache away.

Luke had gone out of town for a day and wasn’t going to be home until late that night. Mom, George, and I planned to have a dinner at home that evening. I invited Eric and Gemma also, so that way I could spend some much-needed time with my best friend.

We feasted upon hearty helpings of stringy spaghetti with a well spiced tomato sauce that my mom tried her hand at making homemade. Salad, garlic bread, and steamed veggies accompanied the main course.

We all sat around enjoying our meals while Eric spoke of his upcoming sermon this next weekend. He was taking the place of Reverend Mark due to him having surgery. You could hear the excitement in his voice as he talked about his upcoming task.

I began to look at everyone who sat around the table and felt my heart start to tighten. Flashbacks from a few Christmases ago came flooding back to my mind back. I looked over to the empty chair that sat beside me.

I swear that I could still picture Ian sitting there with a huge beaming smile and spaghetti stuck in his beard. The feeling became overwhelming. I hadn’t felt a crushing blow to my chest like this in a long time.

I wiped my mouth and excused myself from the table. Thank goodness everyone was so engrossed in the conversation. On the outside, I looked fine. On the inside, I was starting to crumble.

I ran up to my room and the tears started to flow. I closed the door and slid onto the floor as I hugged my knees to my chest and wept. I grasped ahold of the necklace around my neck and squeezed the stone in my hand. “I’m doing this to protect him”, I told myself. “I’m doing what is best.”

“Come on, Kali, pull it together.” I didn’t need anyone to know how I was feeling. I needed to collect myself. I had guests downstairs and this was not an appropriate time to fall apart. 

It had been so long since I had seen Ian. Why was this all coming back with a vengeance now?  I guess the memory of him at the table hit a spot inside of me that wasn’t able to close up. I started to concentrate on slowing my breathing, in hopes that the tears would ease up.

I got up and walked over to the mirror. I wiped the droplets away and started to fix my make up to hide that I was crying. I closed my eyes and mentally pulled it together before I went back downstairs.

As I walked back to the dining room, I could hear a new voice talking. Luke was sitting in the vacant seat beside my chair.

Everyone looked up at me. Luke got up from his seat and came to give me a kiss. “Hi, baby”, he called. I tried to force a smile. “Hi”, I said back. “I thought you weren’t coming back until late?”, I asked. He sat back down and said, “Well, I got back early and wanted to surprise you.” As I sat down in my seat, I noticed that the mood in the room had shifted. Everyone was still nice to Luke, but it was as if their carefree attitudes changed.

I was happy that Luke loved me so, but in a way, I was looking forward to having a night alone. I wanted to spend time with my family and friends. I couldn’t tell him that though. I didn’t want to hurt him.

Luke started to tell Gemma and I one of the guys from our graduating class was receiving an award for philanthropy. “The mayor is holding a ceremony for him Saturday morning. A lot of our old friends are going to be coming into town for it and were talking about all of us getting together Saturday night.”

“What time is the ceremony?”, I asked. Luke thought a moment and answered, “I’m pretty sure it’s at 10 AM.” I snapped my fingers. “I can’t go, I have tutoring Saturday morning.” Gemma smiled at me, knowing that I wasn’t completely heartbroken for missing the gathering.

“Yeah, but you don’t tutor Saturday night. We can go meet up with people then.” Well, it looked like I was going. Luke looked over at Gemma and asked, “What do you say, Gem? You want to go?”

Eric, who was totally oblivious to the fact that Gemma and I didn’t want to go, piped up and said, “Yeah, Gems. You should go.” I chuckled inside and thought, “My turn.” I chimed in by saying, “Yeah, Gems. It will be fun.” If I had to go to this thing, so did she.

She uncomfortably smiled and turned to Eric. “I was going to stay at home with you Saturday night.” Eric waved his hand in a way of “don’t be silly.” “I need to practice my sermon for Sunday anyways. It’s going to be nothing exciting. You've seen me do it a million times,” he said smiling at us. “You should go and have fun. Catch up with old friends.”

Gemma took a drink from her cup and eyed me. I knew I was going to hear about this later, but I continued to eat my food.

Luke pushed himself away from the table, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and announced his departure. George and mom got up from their places to go to the kitchen for dessert.

Gemma bent over the table and whispered in haste, “What are you doing?! I don’t want to go!” I matched her posture and tone. “I don’t want to go either, but if I have to go, you have to go!”

Eric looked so confused. He leaned in and whispered, “What are you guys talking about?” Gemma whipped her head to him and seethed a whisper, “This party! I don’t want to go to it and you and her, just gave my RSVP!” Eric’s eyes widened. “Well, how was I supposed to know that you didn’t want to go?”

She looked at him as though she knew he was right, but she was still pissed. “Well....you wouldn’t.” She shot her finger over to me and pointed. “But she did!”

I opened my mouth in awe. “Maybe I did. But I ain’t going to go to this thing alone lady!” Gemma threw her hands up. “You're not going alone. Luke will be there!” I snapped back at her. “You know what I mean!”

Just then, mom and George were bringing out the dessert. Gemma and I sat back in our chairs as if nothing were going on. I looked over at her and she stuck her tongue out at me, without anyone seeing. Oh well, she will get over it.

I swear it was like De Ja Vue’. Once again, after dinner, I took out the garbage and once again, Eric was helping me. I had a feeling that he wanted to talk. I was right.

“Hey, Kali?”, Eric called to me. “Yeah?”, I answered back. “I never thanked you for the talk we had way back.” I smiled at him and said, “I’m so happy that it worked out for the two of you.”

Eric put his hands in his pockets, lowered his head, and gave me a shy smile. “Yeah, me too. I love that girl.” I looked at him with a soft smile. “I know.”

I turned to walk back into the house when he called out to me again. “Hey, Kal?” I turned my body back to face him. “Hmm?” He stood for a second not saying anything. I stood patient.

“I just want you to know that he really loved you.” I tilted my head to the side. “Ian”, Eric said. “He told me that one Christmas, when we were all here.” Eric looked at the garage floor, gently kicking one of his feet to the ground.

He looked back at me as if he could see my soul. “I saw you tonight. You know, looking over at the chair next to you.” My throat started to tighten. “I could see it in your face. You miss him.” Eric looked back down again. I stayed quiet.

“You know, I don’t know what happened between the two of you.... I....I just thought you should know.”

I could feel the cracks in my heart, that I had thought were mending, start to stretch back open. I was grateful for Eric in this moment. I looked at him through glassed over eyes and softly said, “Thank you, Eric.”

I was in my bedroom, getting ready to go to school Saturday morning, when Gemma walked in bringing two large cups of coffee with her. She handed me a cup and I graciously took it with a big grateful smile upon my face.

“Oh, Gem! You are a saint!” She scoffed at me and said, “I better be if I have to go to this thing with you tonight.” I let my lips frown playfully. “Thank you, Booboo.”

“Yeah, yeah”, she sighed as she sat on my bed. “So, when is this shin dig?”, she asked. I took a sip of hot coffee. “Hmm. I think about 6:30-7:00. I’ll come pick you up, so that way we can leave when we want.”

Gemma nodded her head. “Eric said that he would maybe show up later if he got all of his things done”, she said. “Oh, good! That will be fun”, I announced happily. “He can meet all of your old boyfriends.” Gemma gave me the finger.

“What time do you get done today?”, she asked. “Noon”, I replied. “You want to meet at the Sticky Bull for lunch?” I got all excited. “Yeah! I can meet you there about twenty after.” Gemma nodded her head with her mouth full of coffee. I picked up my school supplies off the bed, gave Gemma a kiss on her head and said, “I’ll see you in a bit.”

Today’s tutoring session went by in a flash. A few new students were added to my learning group and that kept me busy the entire time. I was super excited when it was time to leave so that I could go stuff my face with some Sticky Bull wings.

When I arrived at the restaurant, Gem was already waiting for me at the table. “It smells so good in here”, I said as I sat in the booth. “Do you know what you’re getting?”, I asked. Gemma looked at me with a straight face. “Chicken Fingers.” I laughed and said, “Why do I even ask?”

The waitress came right away, took our orders, and brought us our drinks. The ice cold, fizzy pop tasted so good as it bubbled on my tongue.

“How was school?”, she asked. “It was good. It went by pretty fast”, I answered. “What did you do this morning”, I questioned. “I had to go do some paperwork at the center. We had a new admit last night, so I wanted to make sure they were all settled.”

I sat back and said, “I’m so proud of you, Gem. Really! I am.” She lowered her head and smiled. “Oh, stop, I don’t do much”, she said blushing. 

“Yes, you do! You really care about people and it’s so wonderful how you go above and beyond for them”, I raved. Gemma thought for a thoughtful moment and replied, “I was one of them. I know how difficult it is.” She looked at me. “I still have a hard time with it sometimes.”

My face went concerned. “You do?” The corner of her lips went up. “Well yeah, Kal. I have a disease. It just doesn’t go away. It can be a real struggle.” I felt saddened. I didn’t know that my friend was going through this. She caught my attention when she said, “But I’m ok. I have a wonderful support system and I know ways to cope.” I looked at her and asked, “Does time make it easier?” She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Sometimes. Other times it seems as If I haven’t even been sober for one day. I guess that’s why they say, ‘One day at a time’.”

Our waitress brought our dishes to the table along with Gemma’s twenty million dipping sauces. Our previous talk weighed heavy on my mind. “You know that I am always here for you if you need to talk or anything”, I reassured her. “I know that”, she said as she took a bite of chicken.

One thing about Gemma, she had her pride. It was difficult for her to ask for help, especially from me. It was just an unwritten rule from the beginning of our friendship that she was the one who was supposed to take care of me, not the other way around. 

I put a piping hot French fry in my mouth when Gemma commented, “That’s a pretty necklace. Did Luke buy it for you?” I picked up the chain that hung around my neck and looked at it as it laid in my hand.

“No. It’s Ian’s.” Her chin turned up slightly and she nodded her head. “Well, it’s very pretty”, she said. I looked down at it once again and said, “Yeah, it’s my favorite.” She knew what I meant.

“So, how many people are going to be there tonight?”, she asked changing the subject. I shrugged my shoulders.  “I’m not really sure.” She started to giggle. “I wonder what everyone looks like now”, she pondered. “It hasn’t been that long fool”, I laughed. “I'm sure there isn't going to be anyone walking around with canes.”

“Are you afraid Logan will be there?”, I asked. She made a twisted face. “Hell no! He was so far gone the last time I saw him.” I looked at her as she became sincere. “I wish him the best. Now that I am in the place that I am, I would never want for anyone to hurt themselves in that way. I pray for him.”

My cell phone started to ring. I took it out of my purse and answered to find that it was Luke calling. “Hey, Babe”, he called. “Hi!”, I said with enthusiasm. Gemma mocked me with great exaggeration. I gave her a love kick under the table.

“We are all going to meet up at Trent’s parents tonight.”  Trent’s parents' house was the place of the graduation party that Luke and I went to the night we broke up.

“Ok”, I said. “I’ll pick Gemma up later and we will meet you there.” There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone before he asked, “Oh, so she is coming?” I thought that was an odd thing to say. “Well, yeah”, I answered. “Alright, I’ll see you about seven”, he replied.

I hung up the phone after we said our goodbyes.  I felt uneasy about his comment, but maybe I was just overthinking it. I mean, Gemma really has been nice to him, or at least tolerated him really well for my sake.

“What did he say?”, Gemma asked. I put my phone down and said, “We are all supposed to meet up at Trent’s parents at seven.” She rolled her eyes and said, “Awesome. Jockfest.” I smiled at her and said, “I’m sure they have matured since then.”

I went on home after lunch and when I walked into the house, I headed to the kitchen to where mom was. “Hi, Honey”, she said with a smile. “Hey, Mama.”

“How was school?”, she asked. I sat on a stool at the counter and said, “It was good.” She was making herself a sandwich. “Are you hungry?”, she asked. I shook my head. “No. Gem and I just had lunch.”

She brought her plate over to the counter that I was sitting at. “Is tonight the night all your old school friends are getting together?”, she asked. “Yeah, I have to go pick Gem up about six-thirty.”

Mom gave me an excited smile and said, “Oh, Good! I’m glad she is going with you.” I gave a small giggle and said, “Well I don’t think she had too much of a choice.” I took a pause. “But she will be fine. Eric may stop by later too.”

My mom put her hand over her heart and gushed, “That man is so sweet. I am so happy that Gem found someone so great.” I nodded my head in agreeance.

She began to drift off into memory. “It could have turned out so different for her. She really did conquer all of the odds that were stacked up against her.” 

I again agreed with her. “She really did. She is a tough cookie that girl. Going from parental neglect to drugs and relationship abuse. She is very strong”, I commented.

“I’m just so happy that she has you”, mom said. I smiled and thought for a moment before I said, “But she had you and dad, not to mention George, too. You guys really treated her like she was your own.” Mom smiled at me.

“I’m grateful for you”, I told her sincerely. Her hand found her chest again as if I just melted her heart. “Oh, Honey. That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” I started to chuckle. “Ok, Ok. Don’t start crying. I have to go grade some papers before tonight.”

I got up from my stool and gave her a hug. She squeezed me tight and kissed my cheek. I turned to walk away when I heard her call out, “Don’t forget, George and I are going out of town for the night. We will be back tomorrow evening.” I shouted back, “Ok, bring me back something good!” She yelled back, “I am your something good!”

I sat on my bed grading papers as the afternoon sun shined bright through my window. It wrapped me in its was rays of light, the way a blanket would swaddle a baby. It was so comforting, that I drifted off into a deep slumber.

Bright aqua blues and warm emerald greens came into focus. Tiny pellets of grainy sand squished between my toes. The sound of waves kissing the shore, filled my ears.

I stood on a magnificent beach, lined with sporadic palm trees that danced in the wind. My vision became clearer as I saw a figure standing before me. 

His body was strong and his stature taunt. His hair blew in sync with the gentle breeze. His smile was as bright and kind as ever.

My one, my soul mate stood before me. “Ian”, I whispered. He wrapped his arms around me, so loving and protective. “My Love”, he softly said with his breath upon ear.

Our lips slowly caressed one another's. This kiss wasn’t urgent, it wasn’t rushed. We both knew that we always were and that we would always be. Even in this great span of time, if we did have to be apart, we would always find our way back to each other.

My soul was happy and content. I didn’t want for anything. I felt nothing other than peace course within me. I was home.