Dates, Guns and Me

I think I love this huge royal blue ceramic mug. It's probably all I'm going to ever remember for the next...forever I wrapped my palms tightly around the mug and watch with cloudy eyes as steam rose out from the coffee brown liquid in the cup. My palms were stinging in pain from the heat from the steaming hot coffee, but, maybe this was what I needed. Pain. A different kind of pain. All this time, all I'd been feeling was a hollow in my chest. I was sad and cried every f*****g day but now, I could feel pain. The feeling was immeasurable. This stinging pain was what I needed. A distraction from what I'd been feeling. I wouldn't trade it for anything. That is why I glared at my boyfriend when he sank down on the sofa beside me and said, "Hey, love. You've been froze up like a mannequin. Let me get that mug for you." He then reached forwards and pulled the mug out of my hands. I let him take it anyway. After the mug was gone, all I felt was the hollow back again. Fuck him for taking that mug from me. But I would never say that to him. I know he's only doing that cause he cares for me and I wouldn't want to hurt him. He's one of the best guys out there. I looked up from my palms to watch him as he dropped the mug quickly and with force on the side table as he cursed under his breath. He then hissed in pain and looking at me with his golden brown eyes that held surprise, he said to me, "Jesus, that cup is burning hot, Olive" His eyes then softened as they gazed on my face as he then asked,"Didn't that hurt you?" He reached forwards and took my palms in his. His palms, though comforting, were no match for the royal blue ceramic mug with the steaming hot coffee. All his palms did was rub the potential sites for scalds on my palms. That gave me a different kind of pain and I appreciated it. Because I couldn't bear the pity on his eyes, I looked away. I looked at my thighs that were covered in a knee length black dress. I could remember vividly when I bought this dress two weeks ago. I so loved it and the way it accentuated my tiny waist. Now, whoever knew I'd be wearing it to a funeral? I looked up from my black dress to the entire room. Our sitting room. I couldn't help but notice how everyone here was putting on black. Well, what else would they wear? It's a f*****g funeral, for goodness sake I watched my mom on another glass of wine, staring out the huge window. Mr and Mrs Bale were on either sides of her, saying something she probably wasn't even listening to. Just staring out the window. Sipping her wine. How many glasses of wine has she even had today? "Hey" His voice and how tightly he squeezed my palm made me look at him again. That was when I noticed that my eyes were really really cloudy and hot with tears. Oops, they are gonna flow soon He noticed it and sighing with a grave look on his face, he said to me, "Come here" He then pulled me into his embrace , his palms firmly on my back and on the back of my head, smoothing my scalp through my hair. This was sweet and comforting and all but I needed to be on my own. I can't cry in front of all these people. He knew before I even voiced it out. Of course. He has a way of reading my mind and knowing what I wanted even before I said it. Still in his hug, he said to me in my ears with his hot breath, "You wanna be on your own? Go to your room?" I nodded in the best way I could even though the hug was so tight that it was hard to move any part of my body. He let me go and said, looking at my face, "I'll come check on you in a bit" I nodded and stood swiftly before the tears could roll down in front of him. I hate crying. So much. Not to speak of, in front of anybody. Just as I walked away from him, I felt the tears roll down my eyes. I didn't even let them get to my cheeks. I scrubbed them off immediately that underneath my eyes started to hurt. As I walked quickly to the stairs, I felt eyes on me. I caught them. Vera Bale. My best friend. She was looking at me with pity eyes. She looked like she wanted to cry for me. I ducked my eyes away and started running up the stairs. Why is this house so goddamn big??? My boyfriend understood that I needed to be alone.But Vera? She could be a handful sometimes. Doesn't understand the meaning of space. I loved her but I would so hate her if she followed me up to my room. I reached my safe haven- my room -and sank on my huge white bed. Vera didn't follow me. Good for her. And me. I put my mouth into my pillow and screamed out my frustration as I burst into tears. I don't know how long I was there bawling out in frustration, but after a while, I started hearing voices downstairs. Sorry ,scratch that. I started hearing loud noises downstairs. At first, I tried to ignore it but then, it got so loud and disturbing that I decided to check it out. I got rid of the tears on my face by swabbing my pillow on my face and ran downstairs. I hadn't even reached the end of the staircase but I could see most of the sitting room. It was there I stood and heard the second worst news of my life this year.