Prank Me Love

Changes Will Always Be Here And So Are We

"I think everything is happening all the time, but if you don't put yourself in the path of it, you miss it."   

-lines from the novel "Just One Day" by Gayle Forman

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CHAPTER SIXTEEN:

Maggie's birthday went on even when I was still a bit awkward with Beth. She hasn't said a single word to me, aside from some tight smiles and greeting nods, we both survived the day without really dealing with our own personal issues.

That is the longest of not talking to her. No text messaging or obligatory calls later. I didn't even get a chance to reach Evan since he had been MIA (missing in action) for the past three days. Every time I call him over the phone, it would always go straight to his voice mail. James didn't insist to visit him again since we both know what had happened the last time we went there and we didn't want to make that kind of scene again.

This is going beyond bearable now. I've eventually figured we have been trying to avoid the inevitable trouble that we all know is about to come. We have been trying to dodge away from the truth, denying the matters that somehow unnerve me and make me think of things deeply. And it led me to the idea that I'm missing a big thing there. 

Something is definitely wrong with the whole picture.

Two days passed by, our usual table in the cafeteria left untouched. I don't know where Evan and Beth go every lunchtime but I couldn't bear to sit there all by myself, knowing that everything has been messy for the past few days. So, while the problem is still in its process, I usually spend the rest of that time in the library.

"This is getting worse," I tell James one night as we lie on my bed a week after Maggie's birthday, as I tell him my sad moment at the library. Apparently, Beth and Evan are still in a row and not talking, missing lunchtime, and ignoring my questions when I see them at our same class periods. 

"I can't believe we've ended here like this."

"Ssssh..." James kisses my forehead gently while I lean closer to his chest, my cheek resting on the softness of his shirt, trying hard to bite back the tears. "We'll go through this. They're just having an episode for now. But they'll come around again."

"I don't think that's just easy. This has been taking so long."

"It'll work out." James says to me in a confident tone, cupping my cheeks to stare into my eyes, "They'll work it out."

He tried to reassure me with his deep hug, pulling me closer to his warmth. But all I really felt that time, was doubt... And the fact that I even have been doubting James too.

"What do you feel as of now?"

It was my day again with Dr. Flynn. And this time, we've agreed to talk deeper about my feelings.

"I feel..." To be honest, I'm not really sure what I exactly feel right now. The past few days had turned me into a mess. With all of these confusions inside my head, I knew it would be just soon enough before I end up losing it. 

"Is there a word when you feel like you don't belong to this place and you're living the life of someone else?"

"That sounds like big trouble there, Shane," Dr. Flynn fixes his gaze at me, "Why do you feel like that?"

"The thing is..." I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, trying to compose myself with the upcoming confession I am about to make, "I really don't know where I belong anymore. I feel like these people... These people around me aren't really the people I knew in my past. My friends are having a fight and that's breaking us all up. They keep ignoring each other while I get to be stuck in the middle of it... My boyfriend is hiding something from me and he keeps on pretending we're okay when he knew I'm already doubting him. Even with my father. I've noticed that he doesn't talk about Mom anymore... 

And I don't see Mom since three months ago, leaving me wondering if there's really a problem between my parents and why do I not see her around that much. I've been making myself blind for the past two weeks now. I keep on pretending those things are not really real, that all I've discovered weren't there but I don't understand... Things are..."

It took me a moment of breathing to realize there were already tears on my cheeks and I was sobbing in front of Dr. Flynn.

"Things are... not the way they used to be... They're changing. I'm denying the truth but I haven't even realized it. I didn't know how they've changed this way. They just changed."

It doesn't matter how confusing this is... But the mere fact that I was turning into a loophole of spiraling anxieties, makes it all just the same. I could already see myself wanting to explode any minute for being so buried deeply by these problems and I can't bear that. It would ruin me.

"That's the thing about moving forward, Shane," Dr. Flynn regards me with a concerned look on his face, reaching out a box of tissues towards my direction, "It always goes with changes. Changes are permanent fixtures in life, they come and go. But then, another part of it is that everything they've brought with them will always stay with us as much as they make things new to our eyes."

"I know that," I reply softly, taking the tissues as I sob down into it, wiping my tears, "I've already come to realize it all. But I'm still confused... Why do I always feel like there's a part of me that I'm missing?"

"Missing?" Dr. Flynn stares at me with a strange look, "How can you say it's missing?"

"I don't know..." I hate saying those three words. It's a reminder of what makes me so confused. "I don't really have a clue at all."

"Well, maybe it's just the start."

"Start?" I frown at Dr. Flynn as he gathered up the papers on his desk. 

"Yes. You'd see what you're looking for," he tells me with a vague expression from behind his desk. "Eventually. These things just take time, Shane. But you will figure it out once it's time. You'll see."

I'll see.

I remained silent after that. I'm not really sure what to expect of this appointment after my confession, I wasn't anticipating that kind of conclusion from Dr. Flynn. But when I exited the hospital, I've realized what he'd really meant.

Maybe he was right. I'll see it eventually... When the right time comes. I'll figure everything out.

I was alone when I drove back to the house after my appointment with Dr. Flynn. James told me yesterday he'll be busy with his school project today so I get to have Belle all to myself. When I pulled by the driveway, I noticed two things in an instant:

1. Someone had parked their car in front of our house; and,

2. Someone is standing in front of James' house

I turned the engine off right away, rushing to walk towards that someone. His back was facing me, and he looks older... Like my father's age. He has a tattoo peeking beneath his ear down his neck and it looks like it goes way down his shoulder. This guy resembles James in a way that makes it a bit unusual. I was under the realization that maybe he is James' father... Is he?

My movements caused little noises as I walk through the yard in front of their house that took the man's attention eventually as he turns around to stare at me. I stop walking when I saw his whole face and finally figured out that he must be James' father. 

They definitely looked the same, only that this man looks much older and more mature. He had earrings on his right ear, earning him a 'bad boy' image despite being at such an age. And his whole presence made me instantly tense for some reason.

"Hi, sir," I greeted uncomfortably, still a bit taken aback to realize he was James' dad. 

He must really be because the looks clearly say it all. But one glance at this guy's face and you would definitely see the entire difference in their characters. He had a very cold stare and hard angles on his face in contrast with James' soft glances and easy smiles. It made me feel a bit nervous and jittery in a very weird way comparing the two of them. I don't know why I suddenly felt skittish but the way this old man looks at me, makes me want to leave and hide away from him.

"Hey, I'm surprised you even dared to talk to me," the old man tells me with a startled look and a sly smile. But the smile alone sent shivers through my spine in a very unsettling way that didn't totally feel good. 

"Uhmm..." I dumbly mumbled back. "You... You know James?"

The question made the old man frowned at me. "You don't know me?" he asks instead and the frown he gives me was a bit familiar.

"I... Should I?"

"Wow." he grins back, chuckling in a lazy manner. I watch him silently.

"Really?" he mutters the word to himself after a second, shaking his head slowly as if he just had realized something. Then he looks up and continues to stare back at me as he studies my face with deep curiosity. He's now making me feel queasy while he does that but I still stayed glued down on my spot, not knowing what the next thing I must do.

"This is weird." I hear him again as he sighs under his breath, looking down at his wristwatch, obviously checking the time. Then he looks up right away and gave me that weird look again.

"You tell James I dropped by," he finally says, backing away with a tight smile. "His old man misses him and he didn't call me back the last time. By the way, you're now growing pretty well, Shane. Just tell him..." he gives me one last languid look that same moment as I try hard not to wince or glare back at the way he had regarded me. "I'm not stopping until he gives me what I need."

And just like that... he disappeared. I didn't watch him leave because I was too caught up with the things he had told me. He is James' dad. But it makes me feel a bit confused as to why he had acted like that... It was so different from how James is. Then, after a few more seconds of contemplating what just happened, I've come to realize one big thing...

He had called me by my first name. When in fact, we really didn't know each other at all.

I woke up that afternoon with the sound of soft knocking against the glass door of the balcony in my room. I sat and glance up from my bed, knowing that James is the culprit. When I didn't see him get in, I slowly move to get off of the bed and walk towards the balcony to join him there. He was already leaning his elbows on the railings, gazing from afar.

I smile as I approach him, ignoring what I look like with my hair still uncombed. He must have been just done with his school project activity because he looks so exhausted and weary. I reach my arms towards him and hug his back.

"Good to see you," I whisper to his ear and lean to kiss him on the cheek. I pulled away after that, only to move and rest my arms on the railings beside him.

"How's your day with Dr. Flynn?" he asks me. But his stare was still deep and focused to a far place. I watch him silently and sigh before I answered back.

"It was fine," I lied. No, it wasn't. I was still confused.

"I saw someone in front of your house today." I chip in, waiting for a reaction from him. But he didn't even move or shift a bit. So I decided to go on.

"He said he's your father," Finally, those words struck him and like a lightning bolt, James quickly turns his face to me. 

"What?"

"Your father was here this morning and he wants you to kno--"

"Did he touch you? Did he say something?" James' eyes went dark as he stares me down, his broad profile making me feel inferior all of a sudden. He moves to cup my shoulders and look straight into my eyes, leaning closer. 

"What did he tell you?"

"He just said he's not stopping until you give him what he wants," I gulped, as I stare back at those penetrating eyes that instantly intimidated me in a much more frightening way. This side of James wasn't what I had been expecting. Now, it made me see the actual resemblance he had with his father.

There are a hundred emotions reflecting on his face as I gaze up at him. And it made me wonder what kind of problem he and his father have in between.

"What does he mean by that, James? What's wrong with you and your father?" I asked worriedly, my eyes never leaving his.

He pauses for a second and breathes.

"No," he whispers back with a sigh, his warm breath touching my lips. The word seemed to apply more to himself than mine as I watch him closes his eyes and exhales loudly again. 

"This is not happening. He wasn't supposed to be here," he mutters, rubbing his head with his palm.

He quickly frees me as he turns around to walk further towards the corner of the balcony. He looks rigid and tense, and he is breathing hard and fast. I resisted myself going there to touch him, feeling a little bit worried that he might flip out if I do. This side of him is entirely new and unexpected. I don't know how to handle it.

What is he thinking now?

"He knows my name," I softly say after a moment to the thick air hovering around us. James didn't respond to that right away while I study his back that has stayed frozen since the moment I've mentioned his father.

"James, why does he--"

"Please just don't ask questions, Shane," He says in a sharp tone, sounding irritated. I almost wanted to cry out and shout at him for feeling like it's my entire fault that we're having this talk. I am so annoyed, deeply confused, and my mind is all jumbled for having to ask questions that he still doesn't want to answer. He sounded like it's a big burden to tell me the truth. What is he hiding? Why does his father know me? WHY?

"I'm still not ready yet," he adds in a sour voice, and I bit back the sob that was about to escape from my lips. I nodded to no one, even when I knew he wasn't going to see it. I nodded vigorously because I couldn't afford to speak. James' back is still facing me and when I inhaled to take few deep breaths... I relaxed and finally spoke as calmly as I can.

"Okay," I say softly, "I'd give you the time..." I tell him, despite the vulnerable tone that had slipped out from the sound of my voice. I kept myself composed, even when inside I was slowly breaking. "Just tell me when it's time, and I'd be waiting."

With that, I walk inside the room, not bothering to hear anything back from James or wait if he'll move and follow me. I opened the door out of my room and went downstairs instead to go to the kitchen. Dad wouldn't be able to join dinner tonight because he had a night shift so I'm all alone again... And Mom is missing as usual, which is another question I've been wanting to get some answers about. Beth and Evan are both unreachable, and it's getting bigger and much more of a problem to our friendship that I very much treasure... 

While James... 

He is still a mystery that makes my head hurt trying to figure out... 

So that all leaves ME: A BIG freaking mess. 

Unfortunately, I can't go back to time to refresh all of those things now. SINCE THEY ALL HAD ALREADY CHANGED FOR REAL. And now, I'm finally trapped in a big maze of finding where I really belong. But up 'til now, I'm still freaking lost.