her sweet chains

Episode 14

2 months later

           As the summer slid by Derek and I both kept to our words maybe too well as according to Dean living with Derek was suddenly “like living with ten bitches with permanent chronic PMT.” (This had apparently led to his request that I ‘finally just go do Derek’), and I know that I hadn’t exactly been pure sunshine to live with. The honest truth was I missed Derek. I missed him so much it felt like I was constantly waiting for my heart to start beating. I had never had been away from him for so long and everything inside me told me to give up on this stupid crusade and go to Derek. Go Apologise, go bite my tongue and say sorry, say please, kiss him, hell f**k him whatever happened as a result of that had to be better than the agony I was enduing by staying away from him. But I was bloody stubborn, and more to the point I had made it worse. For the first few days we’d mutually avoided each other, Then Derek obviously thinking I had calmed down adequately tried to, well I’m not actually sure what he was trying to do just talk to me I assume, but Derek seemed to have underestimated how much he actually had pissed me off because in all those days the second he walked into a room I turned and walked out. This carried on for a few days before I completely pissed him off and he gave up trying. I could still occasionally hear him or smell his scent but before I even got close to him he would disappear. We saw each other at the two meets of course well in fact I saw Derek but I knew in those meetings he was trying so hard not to see me his beautiful eyes locked anywhere else as though the space that occupied me was merely empty air not worth bestowing his attention on. Although I hate myself for admitting it his disregarding of my presence was more painful than anything else I had ever felt before. But I was stubborn and I refused to yield so me and Derek mutually refused to even be in the same room with each other. As June turned to July and turned to August I learnt to deal with this pain it didn’t lessen at all but I just got used to it. but the rest of the pack didn’t , none of them liked or understood what we were doing and so kept persisting in trying to get us to talk to each other, which was of course what Carl was attempting as he accompanied me on my ‘punishment walk’. I couldn’t even remember what it was I was being punished for probably being goby with Darius that was usually the sort of thing I did lately, but this punishment I could more than deal with as all I was required to do was walk through our grounds and collect up the torn discarded clothes shoes etc that were littered around. Carl and me were both already carrying a backpack each filled with various items of clothes, as well as large duffels we were now filling but the amount of clothing we were encountering this far from the den was seriously depleted. I looked over at Carl as I sensed him watching me. He sighed and looked away a slight blush on his cheeks stupid boy did he think I didn’t know why he was here?

“I wanted to talk to you Jess.” He said to his feet, I growled lightly

“I’m stunned but you want me to make a wild guess as what it is you want to say?”

“He’s really sorry.” Carl said gently,

“No he’s not.”

“You upset him too you know that’s why he wont speak to you he wants to but he thinks you’ll.”

“Don’t Carl.” I cut in “just don’t.”

“Jess you both miserable like this. And anyway your leaving in what two weeks now.”

“Yeah that should make it easier to avoid each other.” I said coldly, “and I’m not miserable.” I snapped,

“You two miss each other like hell.”

“Well I’m sure he misses me I’m adorable but I don’t miss him.” I snapped even though I knew how childish this made me sound.

“You don’t miss him.” Carl asked levelly.

“No.” I lied, Carl smiled gently

“Then why were you sleeping in his bed when he was out hunting that rogue last week?”

“You knew about that?” I gabbled thickly unable to deny it, and I couldn’t explain to him why I just felt calmer there better when I was wrapped up in Derek’s duvet his soft scent enveloping me. It wasn’t till I lost Derek that I realized how much I loved the way he smelled like the woods, grass sweat a healthy warm male smell. Carl just smiled

“Your not as stealthy as you might think particularly as that house is full of wolves who spend their lives hunting.”

“Alright.” I snapped throwing my hands up“I miss him, and not a little either. I miss him so much it’s like a constant pain. I miss him too much, way more than I should. But if you tell anyone I said that I will deny it.” Carl just looked at me consideringly for a moment before nodding as if I had just confirmed something before tuning away and looking vaguely around the clearly. he cleared his throat loudly I looked at him to see his cheeks had turned a very fetching shade of cherry red , he held his hand out wordlessly and I snatched the contents and shoved my torn white sweater and ripped white lace panties in the duffel before I folded my arms defensively positively daring Carl to say something. But he didn’t look at me until the blushing had faded which took a shockingly long time.

“I’ll talk to Derek.” was all he said simply “you two cant part like this you need to talk to each other.”

“Why because he’s hell to live with.” I said blandly

“Actually yes.” Carl said “he left a hole in the kitchen wall when he found out that someone had put an empty carton back in the fridge.”

“So you want us to talk again so your safe to leave empty cartons in the fridge again?” I asked with a frown.  “He won’t talk to me.” I said when Carl didn’t answer “I know it I pissed him off I seriously did.”

“No you hurt his feelings. He’s upset but he misses you.”

“Well he upset me too.” I snapped

“You upset him by planning to run off he retaliated by saying something he knew would hurt. Really you both are being immature.”

“Thank you Jeremy Kyle.” I sneered before jumping up grabbing the tree limb above me so I could drag a dark blue sweater free from the tree, one sniff of the sodden fabric told me it was Jamie’s. I shoved it into the duffel and carried on though the trees.

“Can I ask you something?” Carl asked as we carried on through the woods. I looked up to him but didn’t answer, which Carl obviously interpreted as a yes, “do you like not feel anything for him?”

“I … of course I do.” I mumbled wishing I was ANYWHERE else.

“Well then why are you leaving? I mean why do you want to leave us I couldn’t bear to be parted from the pack and I hate the thought of you being away from here I hate the thought that I won’t be able to look after you.” I stopped and looked at him my heart melting from the honest sincerity. I bit my lip as I looked into his eyes the dark eyes that will all possessed so full of emotion. At that moment though where he was looking at me with such honest concern he looked so much like Derek.

“I’m not your responsibility.” I said gently,

“Yes you are.” He whispered “your our sister whether you’re here or there you get hurt we’ll feel like it’s our fault. You know what we feel when our brothers are hurt, but you your really special to us you know that.”

“Yeah I know.” I whispered “and I think that’s why I need to go.” Carl frowned. “I love you all and I love the pack and I know that you all want what’s best for me but I don’t know what that is and I don’t think I’m going to find out here because you all think you know.”

“Because of Derek.”

“Yes and No.” I sighed “I'm not his mate I love him to pieces but it’s not like that.”

“It is for him.”

“No it’s not it’s just the only thing either of us have ever had. I mean how do I know he’s the one if he’s the only one I’ve ever been with.”

“What?”

“I think Derek needs to date and consider that despite all the ideas put in his head maybe I’m not the one. I think it would be good for the both of us and I don’t think that will happen with me here. We’ll keep on pretending that were friends and now and then having a playful grope when there’s no one there to see.”

“So your determined to leave us?”

“temporarily.” I said gently, surprised how much his gentle question hurt, “I’ll miss you all to pieces but I’ll be here so often you won’t even notice.”

“Liar.” Carl said smiling as he leaned over to playfully kiss the top of my head. “Well I can’t say that I understand you at all but you are a women so.” He left that though half said and shrugged. “I’ll talk to Derek you guys need to talk,” he said leaning over to snatch up a discarded sock he made a disgusted face as he flung the slightly mouldy fabric into his duffel bag. “But just for the record you can just make up it’s not mandatory to kiss and make up.” He said with a playful smile until I flung the mouldy sock I’d just retrieved at his face.

“Hey little one.” Roger said cheerfully as I strode into the entrance hall Jamie just behind me having retrieved me from my office. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” He said walking over to me and swinging me up into a rough one armed hug pressing a firm kiss onto the top of my head nuzzling lightly into my hair.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, he smiled playfully,

“I have something for you.” I frowned “your Daddy got you a present.” 

“Hey Rog.” Dean said striding naked into the entrance hall caked in a thin layer of sweat and dirt. “Are you the one who parked that skip out in the driveway?”

“Thanks for ruining the surprise.” Roger said throwing up his hands exasperated

“Roger.” Darius said striding from his study “do you have it?”

“yeah.” He snarled slapping a hand against Dean’s sweaty chest “but Deano here ruined it.”

“Hey.” Carl said striding through the still open doors, still sporting a vivid black eye (apparently Derek still wasn’t keen to talk to me) “what is that parked outside or has it broken down out there?”

“Insult her all you want but she is a strong wilful lady.” Roger said firmly,

“What are you lot talking about?” I said blankly.

“Go have a look.” Darius said with a gesture at the open door. I looked blankly and Jamie who just smiled and echoed Darius’ gesture towards the door, I sighed and walked out the doors instantly squinting in the August sunlight. “It’s for you.” Darius said brightly,

“You shouldn’t have.” I said taking in the aging Vauxhall Nova parked on our drive looking especially shabby next to Pete’s heavily pampered Porsche. “Really you shouldn’t have.” I said sliding my hand along the bonnet.

“Well you and Jamie will need a car.” I smiled,

“I was planning on taking the Lexus.” I said gently,

“The Lexus is not yours,” Darius said politically,

“Nobody else drives her.”

“Because you won’t let them.” he said logically,

“hey jess you do realise that going by that logic that makes Derek yours too.” Dean said flirtaciously from the doorway

“Well the Lexus is a girl’s car.” I said ignoring Dean,

“No the Lexus is my car this.” he said gesturing at the Nova “is your car. Well yours and Jamie’s besides do you realise how much insurance on the Lexus would cost?” I shrugged.

“I’m insulted.” Roger said “do you realise how much time I’ve spent with this lady here.” He said stroking the car bonnet as if it was a pet dog. “She’s got a strong engine under here yes she is slightly more mature but she’s like a well aged wine.” My attention however was drawn away from Rogers prattling to the tree line as I saw Derek slip out from the foliage naked his chest slick with sweat hair in disarray he had clearly just shifted. He froze as if surprised to see me there, but he easy far enough away that nobody else saw this. But I couldn’t help it my eyes were locked on him and I didn’t like what I saw he was still angry at me no angry wasn’t enough he was still livid about my ideas to ‘abandon him’ here. I tried to force my lips into a small smile, which made Derek bare his teeth before he turned and strode away.  

“So what do you think?” Roger said turning round enthusiasm shinning in his eyes in the way only a car could make them shine.

“What?” I said blankly suddenly adding “yeah its great thank you.” I said as I saw the flicker of irritation flicker through his eyes as he realised I had been less than riveted by his talk. “I…um …I’m gonna get back to my um filing… I don’t have long left to finish it all.” I said gesturing vaguely as I strode quickly across the hall and up the stairs towards my office trying not to run but struggling not to as I felt tears sting behind my eyes.

 I slammed the office door behind me loudly before I kicked it hard. Pain shot through my foot as I sunk to the floor but that was preferable as I could tell myself that it was this pain that caused my tears and not the coldness in Derek’s gaze. But everybody knew me well enough to know that I was unhappy as when I was unhappy I sought comfort in the simple ordering of things, in paperwork things that could easy be filed and organized where everything could be put in its place. I pulled my knees into my chest and wrapped my arms around them just as there was a tentative knock on my door , I didn’t answer I just placed my chin on my knees trying to blink the tears back out of my eyes.

“Jessie.” Jamie’s tentative voice said as he slowly opened the door a little and peeped inside. “Hi.” He said as he spotted me though he looked a little awkward at having caught me in such a submissive stance. “Can I come in?” I shrugged which he took as a yes as he slid into the room closing the door softly before he sat down next to me holding out a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. I smiled and took it as he pulled a spoon from his pocket. “Maybe you should go talk to him.” He said quietly as I stabbed at the Ice cream.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Yes he does were leaving in six days, and your both as stubborn as each other you need to back down go talk to him its obvious that’s what you both want.”

“I’m the stubborn one he’s supposed too back down that’s the way it always goes.” I said stabbing the ice cream so hard the spoon bent beneath my fingers.

“Maybe this time you hurt him more than he hurt you.” Jamie said diplomatically, I shrugged conceding the point, “so maybe that why he won’t back down so maybe this time you should be the one to you know back down.”

 “But I’ve never done that before.”

“Well it’s a useful skill.” He said with a small smile as he took the spoon from my hand and straightened it back out.

“And how do I do that what do I say.” I asked taking the restored spoon back from him and returning to miserably stabbing miserably at the ice cream. Jamie leaned over and kissed the top of my head

“I don’t know honey that’s up to you isn’t it.” He said striding out of the office leaving me alone with my ice cream trying to figure out how to justify an action I didn’t really understand to the one I loved most in the world and hence the one I feared most as he had the power to crush me more than any other and I knew right now that was what he wanted to do.