NOT Your GUARDIAN

CUTS

I know I am annoying at times, I piss you off. Say stupid things, then takes it back silently. I wish I had never met you. Then there would be no need to communicate with you, to know your deepest thoughts and fall in love with it. I miss you, and there's no better word to describe how painful it is to want you but must not.

***Sasi***

*************************************

"I like you but, I don't see you in a romantic way Sasi."

That..didn't sound right..

He had said the words sternly. Without a trace of humor or remorse. His face was as blank as a sheet of paper, I can't read him.

"R-Raki..I..."

I couldn't find the right words to say. Fear, pain, confusion and dissapointment creeped up inside of me. What is he saying all of a sudden? Did I heard him right? Did I read him wrong? Have I been harboring false hopes all this time?

"I admit, I was attracted with your beauty. I got smitten, curiousity had me fumbling down your skirt. And I'm sorry for doing those things to you. I am sorry for confusing you."

He spoke the words as if he was apologizing for something so petty like spilling a coffee over the table.

Why do you have to sound so contrite?

I looked at him in bewilderment, hardly believing everything that he had said. He just sat there beside me on the bed, his hands rested on both sides of his thighs, gripping at the bed sheet. I saw the red flush of his skin beneath the opened buttons of his white long sleeve shirt. His eyes were everywhere but not me, never on me. This wasn't true. He's playing some prank on me right?

"R-Raki, are you kidding?..cause if you are, it's not funny at all."

My voice was hoarse, soft as a whisper. An unexplainable ache began to settle on my chest, I wanted to rub it to ease the pain but my hands were trembling.

"Sasi...I-I wish I am..but I am not..At first, It amused me to tease you and I feel honored serving you, attending to your needs..but I never thought that I-er..we-uhh..I never thought that things will come this far."

He's now looking at the floor, as if digging a hole there with his eyes. As if the floor was more interesting than my face.

Why don't you look at me and tell me that you don't want me? Why?

Are those warm hugs, tender kisses, soothing words and hot love making, just a spur of the moment thing? Curiousity?

I wanted to slap him, punch him, and kick his gut. I wanted to break his bones until he's slumped into the floor bruised and swollen. But I also wanted to hug him, coax him to tell me that he's lying..I wanted to kiss him until he forgot about the nonsense he's been uttering.

I closed my eyes at this contradicting thoughts. I inhaled sharply, my knuckles tightened on the sheets, almost white from the tension. My aching head felt like it's about to explode. I couldn't believe everything that I heared from him. I didn't want to believe it. It didn't make sense, and I didn't understand why it didn't make sense at all.

"Sasi..."

He called my name as I fell silent for a while. I could feel his gaze finally resting on me, and I gathered my strength to hide all the pain inside before I looked back at him. His dark hazel brown eyes said he's worried, but his mouth said otherwise. The ache in my chest grew stronger.

"I know it may sound absurd and conceited of me to think that you...er..like me in that way but this is me thinking ahead.. I don't want anything to come across our working relationship..Please understand."

It's a lie. I could feel it.

But why is he lying? I'd better stop fooling myself.

He didn't want me. He didn't want anything to do with me. I totally screwed up liking someone who didn't like me back, or atleast not on the same level as I am. How could I misread the situation? How could I failed to see that he was just toying with me all along?

In that instant, I decided to hide the truth. To rescue my wounded pride. To save myself from embarassment. I almost confessed my feelings to him, dear lord. I'm so glad I let him do the talking first. I'm so glad I didn't spill my heart out. I almost showed him my weakest state. Thank god I didn't.

I took a deep breath and calmed my throbbing heartache. Counted to ten before I began to speak.

"It's okay Raki..the feeling is mutual..

Don't think about it too much. I too was just carried away with the situation..you know, needs.

Let's call it quits then, and move on..

.

e-everything..

.

let's forget it."

I looked away as my voice started to quiver. I tried everything in my will power to hold it in. The sting on the rim of my eye told me it's about to flood tears, but I still managed to hold it in.

"Sasi..I-I didn't mean to hurt you this way..It's my fault..It really is, please...please-.."

He sighed..he couldn't seem to continue what he was about to say..

Please don't cry over you? please forgive you? Please understand?. f**k you!!f**k understanding! because I don't understand any of this s**t at all!.

I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to curse him over and over again, but I seemed to loose all my strength. It felt like if I opened my mouth right now, my tears will fall. So I didn't.

"Fuck.."

He cursed under his labored breath. He cursed as if he was the wounded one.

"Please leave. I'm tired, I want to rest."

I managed to say despite the pain that was tearing my heart apart. My unconcious mind was reaching out for him. Wanted to feel his body close to mine. To hear him say that everything was a lie, but he didn't.

My self pity kicks in. My innerself was glaring at me. What would he want with you anyway? You're pathetic, introverted and evil in some ways that's why you didn't have any close friends. Your closest friend was your make up artist. You have minimal to none talents, your career was not something you gained from your hard work. You cursed a lot. Your attitude was the worst. So, what would someone like Meuwarrat Suttinut, wanted to do with you?.

My eyes started to water and I blinked rapidly to control tears from coming out. No, I won't cry infront of him. I won't let myself look pathetic and embarrased anymore than this.

"Sasi...I.."

His voice with a hint of anguish demanded my attention..so I painfully looked at him. His brown eyes were bleak, torn, frustrated..as he ran his hand through his hair.

"What?"

I snapped, my voice was hoarser than before. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to cry so bad that I almost dragged him and threw him out the door.

"I-I should leave.."

He said as he stood up and gazed down at me for a couple of seconds before taking heavy steps towards the door.

I nearly grabbed his hand to ask him not to leave, I wanted him to but at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I had so much more to say, words I haven't said yet. If he leave now, I'm afraid I couldn't say it anymore..

"R-Raki.."

I uttered softly, he stopped on his tracks, and slowly turned towards me. His face unreadable under the dim lights of the lampshades.

"Please lock the door."

Thats all I managed to say before I turned and burried myself into the folds of my blanket, just in time as a silent tear dropped on my pillow.

I craddled my bolster tightly and gripped on it as I heard the opening and closing of the door. Only then I let out my suppressed emotions, unbidden river of tears flowed from my eyes.

Me, who seldom produce a tear, is now crying my heart out.

I sank deeper into my pillow, seeking comfort in it's softness, in the stillness of the silence. I feel so alone, with no one to turn to. No one to hear my cries of pain, no one to listen. No one to talk to that will understand what I am going through. I feel so small, so fragile.

For the first time in my life, I liked someone, yes, I like Raki.

But I didn't have the slightest idea that liking someone and having it rejected would hurt so bad like this.

This suffocating pain left me heaving as I cried. Yes I read his actions wrong. I thought he liked me too, from his gentle gaze, his caring demeanor, his tender touches to his loving words when we make-...when we had s*x. Yes, that was just s*x. Plain s*x. To him, I am just a curiousity. Nothing special.

I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous is this? Mourning over my shattered expectations. I wanted to go after him, to ask if all that was true..because I'm having a hard time, really hard time believing his words.

I was left broken. Shattered to pieces.

Numbness crept from my chest, spreading to my whole body through my veins. My brain felt dead. My heart stopped beating for quite a while now. I never thought that words could kill so bad like this, specially when it came from someone you trusted with your life. Someone who broke down my walls, penetrated my innersoul, but then rejected me. His words lingered on my mind, repeating, staying there.

I didn't know how I slept through the pain, but I woke up not feeling well the next morning. My tears seemed to have dried out already, but I didn't want to get up from the bed. I didn't want to eat, disn't want to see anyone, even my worried mother.

Playing games online seemed to lose its appeal. It's a sheer luck that I didn't have a schedule for the next few days, so I chose to stay in my room. Sulking.

The following days were spent either sleeping, watching movies or playing some mobile games. I felt empty, like a robot.

Numb. My online friends, specially Mild were worried and wanted to come over to check on me but I refused. I didn't want to talk about my issue with anyone, I wish to deal with it alone. I will move on from this and that arrogant jerk would see what it felt like to be hated by a Sasi Lamwilai. Yes I hate him with all my guts and intestines.

...to be continued

I know I am annoying at times, I piss you off. Say stupid things, then takes it back silently. I wish I had never met you. Then there would be no need to communicate with you, to know your deepest thoughts and fall in love with it. I miss you, and there's no better word to describe how painful it is to want you but must not.

***Sasi***

*************************************

"I like you but, I don't see you in a romantic way Sasi."

That..didn't sound right..

He had said the words sternly. Without a trace of humor or remorse. His face was as blank as a sheet of paper, I can't read him.

"R-Raki..I..."

I couldn't find the right words to say. Fear, pain, confusion and dissapointment creeped up inside of me. What is he saying all of a sudden? Did I heard him right? Did I read him wrong? Have I been harboring false hopes all this time?

"I admit, I was attracted with your beauty. I got smitten, curiousity had me fumbling down your skirt. And I'm sorry for doing those things to you. I am sorry for confusing you."

He spoke the words as if he was apologizing for something so petty like spilling a coffee over the table.

Why do you have to sound so contrite?

I looked at him in bewilderment, hardly believing everything that he had said. He just sat there beside me on the bed, his hands rested on both sides of his thighs, gripping at the bed sheet. I saw the red flush of his skin beneath the opened buttons of his white long sleeve shirt. His eyes were everywhere but not me, never on me. This wasn't true. He's playing some prank on me right?

"R-Raki, are you kidding?..cause if you are, it's not funny at all."

My voice was hoarse, soft as a whisper. An unexplainable ache began to settle on my chest, I wanted to rub it to ease the pain but my hands were trembling.

"Sasi...I-I wish I am..but I am not..At first, It amused me to tease you and I feel honored serving you, attending to your needs..but I never thought that I-er..we-uhh..I never thought that things will come this far."

He's now looking at the floor, as if digging a hole there with his eyes. As if the floor was more interesting than my face.

Why don't you look at me and tell me that you don't want me? Why?

Are those warm hugs, tender kisses, soothing words and hot love making, just a spur of the moment thing? Curiousity?

I wanted to slap him, punch him, and kick his gut. I wanted to break his bones until he's slumped into the floor bruised and swollen. But I also wanted to hug him, coax him to tell me that he's lying..I wanted to kiss him until he forgot about the nonsense he's been uttering.

I closed my eyes at this contradicting thoughts. I inhaled sharply, my knuckles tightened on the sheets, almost white from the tension. My aching head felt like it's about to explode. I couldn't believe everything that I heared from him. I didn't want to believe it. It didn't make sense, and I didn't understand why it didn't make sense at all.

"Sasi..."

He called my name as I fell silent for a while. I could feel his gaze finally resting on me, and I gathered my strength to hide all the pain inside before I looked back at him. His dark hazel brown eyes said he's worried, but his mouth said otherwise. The ache in my chest grew stronger.

"I know it may sound absurd and conceited of me to think that you...er..like me in that way but this is me thinking ahead.. I don't want anything to come across our working relationship..Please understand."

It's a lie. I could feel it.

But why is he lying? I'd better stop fooling myself.

He didn't want me. He didn't want anything to do with me. I totally screwed up liking someone who didn't like me back, or atleast not on the same level as I am. How could I misread the situation? How could I failed to see that he was just toying with me all along?

In that instant, I decided to hide the truth. To rescue my wounded pride. To save myself from embarassment. I almost confessed my feelings to him, dear lord. I'm so glad I let him do the talking first. I'm so glad I didn't spill my heart out. I almost showed him my weakest state. Thank god I didn't.

I took a deep breath and calmed my throbbing heartache. Counted to ten before I began to speak.

"It's okay Raki..the feeling is mutual..

Don't think about it too much. I too was just carried away with the situation..you know, needs.

Let's call it quits then, and move on..

.

e-everything..

.

let's forget it."

I looked away as my voice started to quiver. I tried everything in my will power to hold it in. The sting on the rim of my eye told me it's about to flood tears, but I still managed to hold it in.

"Sasi..I-I didn't mean to hurt you this way..It's my fault..It really is, please...please-.."

He sighed..he couldn't seem to continue what he was about to say..

Please don't cry over you? please forgive you? Please understand?. f**k you!!f**k understanding! because I don't understand any of this s**t at all!.

I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to curse him over and over again, but I seemed to loose all my strength. It felt like if I opened my mouth right now, my tears will fall. So I didn't.

"Fuck.."

He cursed under his labored breath. He cursed as if he was the wounded one.

"Please leave. I'm tired, I want to rest."

I managed to say despite the pain that was tearing my heart apart. My unconcious mind was reaching out for him. Wanted to feel his body close to mine. To hear him say that everything was a lie, but he didn't.

My self pity kicks in. My innerself was glaring at me. What would he want with you anyway? You're pathetic, introverted and evil in some ways that's why you didn't have any close friends. Your closest friend was your make up artist. You have minimal to none talents, your career was not something you gained from your hard work. You cursed a lot. Your attitude was the worst. So, what would someone like Meuwarrat Suttinut, wanted to do with you?.

My eyes started to water and I blinked rapidly to control tears from coming out. No, I won't cry infront of him. I won't let myself look pathetic and embarrased anymore than this.

"Sasi...I.."

His voice with a hint of anguish demanded my attention..so I painfully looked at him. His brown eyes were bleak, torn, frustrated..as he ran his hand through his hair.

"What?"

I snapped, my voice was hoarser than before. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to cry so bad that I almost dragged him and threw him out the door.

"I-I should leave.."

He said as he stood up and gazed down at me for a couple of seconds before taking heavy steps towards the door.

I nearly grabbed his hand to ask him not to leave, I wanted him to but at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I had so much more to say, words I haven't said yet. If he leave now, I'm afraid I couldn't say it anymore..

"R-Raki.."

I uttered softly, he stopped on his tracks, and slowly turned towards me. His face unreadable under the dim lights of the lampshades.

"Please lock the door."

Thats all I managed to say before I turned and burried myself into the folds of my blanket, just in time as a silent tear dropped on my pillow.

I craddled my bolster tightly and gripped on it as I heard the opening and closing of the door. Only then I let out my suppressed emotions, unbidden river of tears flowed from my eyes.

Me, who seldom produce a tear, is now crying my heart out.

I sank deeper into my pillow, seeking comfort in it's softness, in the stillness of the silence. I feel so alone, with no one to turn to. No one to hear my cries of pain, no one to listen. No one to talk to that will understand what I am going through. I feel so small, so fragile.

For the first time in my life, I liked someone, yes, I like Raki.

But I didn't have the slightest idea that liking someone and having it rejected would hurt so bad like this.

This suffocating pain left me heaving as I cried. Yes I read his actions wrong. I thought he liked me too, from his gentle gaze, his caring demeanor, his tender touches to his loving words when we make-...when we had s*x. Yes, that was just s*x. Plain s*x. To him, I am just a curiousity. Nothing special.

I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous is this? Mourning over my shattered expectations. I wanted to go after him, to ask if all that was true..because I'm having a hard time, really hard time believing his words.

I was left broken. Shattered to pieces.

Numbness crept from my chest, spreading to my whole body through my veins. My brain felt dead. My heart stopped beating for quite a while now. I never thought that words could kill so bad like this, specially when it came from someone you trusted with your life. Someone who broke down my walls, penetrated my innersoul, but then rejected me. His words lingered on my mind, repeating, staying there.

I didn't know how I slept through the pain, but I woke up not feeling well the next morning. My tears seemed to have dried out already, but I didn't want to get up from the bed. I didn't want to eat, disn't want to see anyone, even my worried mother.

Playing games online seemed to lose its appeal. It's a sheer luck that I didn't have a schedule for the next few days, so I chose to stay in my room. Sulking.

The following days were spent either sleeping, watching movies or playing some mobile games. I felt empty, like a robot.

Numb. My online friends, specially Mild were worried and wanted to come over to check on me but I refused. I didn't want to talk about my issue with anyone, I wish to deal with it alone. I will move on from this and that arrogant jerk would see what it felt like to be hated by a Sasi Lamwilai. Yes I hate him with all my guts and intestines.

...to be continued

I know I am annoying at times, I piss you off. Say stupid things, then takes it back silently. I wish I had never met you. Then there would be no need to communicate with you, to know your deepest thoughts and fall in love with it. I miss you, and there's no better word to describe how painful it is to want you but must not.

***Sasi***

*************************************

"I like you but, I don't see you in a romantic way Sasi."

That..didn't sound right..

He had said the words sternly. Without a trace of humor or remorse. His face was as blank as a sheet of paper, I can't read him.

"R-Raki..I..."

I couldn't find the right words to say. Fear, pain, confusion and dissapointment creeped up inside of me. What is he saying all of a sudden? Did I heard him right? Did I read him wrong? Have I been harboring false hopes all this time?

"I admit, I was attracted with your beauty. I got smitten, curiousity had me fumbling down your skirt. And I'm sorry for doing those things to you. I am sorry for confusing you."

He spoke the words as if he was apologizing for something so petty like spilling a coffee over the table.

Why do you have to sound so contrite?

I looked at him in bewilderment, hardly believing everything that he had said. He just sat there beside me on the bed, his hands rested on both sides of his thighs, gripping at the bed sheet. I saw the red flush of his skin beneath the opened buttons of his white long sleeve shirt. His eyes were everywhere but not me, never on me. This wasn't true. He's playing some prank on me right?

"R-Raki, are you kidding?..cause if you are, it's not funny at all."

My voice was hoarse, soft as a whisper. An unexplainable ache began to settle on my chest, I wanted to rub it to ease the pain but my hands were trembling.

"Sasi...I-I wish I am..but I am not..At first, It amused me to tease you and I feel honored serving you, attending to your needs..but I never thought that I-er..we-uhh..I never thought that things will come this far."

He's now looking at the floor, as if digging a hole there with his eyes. As if the floor was more interesting than my face.

Why don't you look at me and tell me that you don't want me? Why?

Are those warm hugs, tender kisses, soothing words and hot love making, just a spur of the moment thing? Curiousity?

I wanted to slap him, punch him, and kick his gut. I wanted to break his bones until he's slumped into the floor bruised and swollen. But I also wanted to hug him, coax him to tell me that he's lying..I wanted to kiss him until he forgot about the nonsense he's been uttering.

I closed my eyes at this contradicting thoughts. I inhaled sharply, my knuckles tightened on the sheets, almost white from the tension. My aching head felt like it's about to explode. I couldn't believe everything that I heared from him. I didn't want to believe it. It didn't make sense, and I didn't understand why it didn't make sense at all.

"Sasi..."

He called my name as I fell silent for a while. I could feel his gaze finally resting on me, and I gathered my strength to hide all the pain inside before I looked back at him. His dark hazel brown eyes said he's worried, but his mouth said otherwise. The ache in my chest grew stronger.

"I know it may sound absurd and conceited of me to think that you...er..like me in that way but this is me thinking ahead.. I don't want anything to come across our working relationship..Please understand."

It's a lie. I could feel it.

But why is he lying? I'd better stop fooling myself.

He didn't want me. He didn't want anything to do with me. I totally screwed up liking someone who didn't like me back, or atleast not on the same level as I am. How could I misread the situation? How could I failed to see that he was just toying with me all along?

In that instant, I decided to hide the truth. To rescue my wounded pride. To save myself from embarassment. I almost confessed my feelings to him, dear lord. I'm so glad I let him do the talking first. I'm so glad I didn't spill my heart out. I almost showed him my weakest state. Thank god I didn't.

I took a deep breath and calmed my throbbing heartache. Counted to ten before I began to speak.

"It's okay Raki..the feeling is mutual..

Don't think about it too much. I too was just carried away with the situation..you know, needs.

Let's call it quits then, and move on..

.

e-everything..

.

let's forget it."

I looked away as my voice started to quiver. I tried everything in my will power to hold it in. The sting on the rim of my eye told me it's about to flood tears, but I still managed to hold it in.

"Sasi..I-I didn't mean to hurt you this way..It's my fault..It really is, please...please-.."

He sighed..he couldn't seem to continue what he was about to say..

Please don't cry over you? please forgive you? Please understand?. f**k you!!f**k understanding! because I don't understand any of this s**t at all!.

I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to curse him over and over again, but I seemed to loose all my strength. It felt like if I opened my mouth right now, my tears will fall. So I didn't.

"Fuck.."

He cursed under his labored breath. He cursed as if he was the wounded one.

"Please leave. I'm tired, I want to rest."

I managed to say despite the pain that was tearing my heart apart. My unconcious mind was reaching out for him. Wanted to feel his body close to mine. To hear him say that everything was a lie, but he didn't.

My self pity kicks in. My innerself was glaring at me. What would he want with you anyway? You're pathetic, introverted and evil in some ways that's why you didn't have any close friends. Your closest friend was your make up artist. You have minimal to none talents, your career was not something you gained from your hard work. You cursed a lot. Your attitude was the worst. So, what would someone like Meuwarrat Suttinut, wanted to do with you?.

My eyes started to water and I blinked rapidly to control tears from coming out. No, I won't cry infront of him. I won't let myself look pathetic and embarrased anymore than this.

"Sasi...I.."

His voice with a hint of anguish demanded my attention..so I painfully looked at him. His brown eyes were bleak, torn, frustrated..as he ran his hand through his hair.

"What?"

I snapped, my voice was hoarser than before. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to cry so bad that I almost dragged him and threw him out the door.

"I-I should leave.."

He said as he stood up and gazed down at me for a couple of seconds before taking heavy steps towards the door.

I nearly grabbed his hand to ask him not to leave, I wanted him to but at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I had so much more to say, words I haven't said yet. If he leave now, I'm afraid I couldn't say it anymore..

"R-Raki.."

I uttered softly, he stopped on his tracks, and slowly turned towards me. His face unreadable under the dim lights of the lampshades.

"Please lock the door."

Thats all I managed to say before I turned and burried myself into the folds of my blanket, just in time as a silent tear dropped on my pillow.