NOT Your GUARDIAN

SOLITUDE

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“You call it BEING ALONE. I call it, ENJOYING MY OWN COMPANY.”

***SASI***

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CHANTARA LAMWILAI, that’s my name. The most famous superstar and model of Thailand. Brand ambassador to cell phones, gadgets, clothes, beauty products, shoes, bags, and foods among others. Yeah, name it, I got it. High-end supermodel for prestigious local and international magazines, and honestly, I never noticed when did I get this famous.

Really!

Because I am a bit different from the rest. Or at least I define myself as "Not your common sassy girl".

I am an introvert.

"Phi Best, I'm not going to that event! Stop imposing because it won't work this time."

I snapped at him as I continued to tap on the keyboard of my computer. I am in the middle of an online game with my friends and Phi Best, my manager, has been bothering me until I felt like my ears would pop at the sound of his voice.

"But Sasi dear, this is a big company. This will help boost your career."

Phi Best reasoned out.

"But Phi, you know I follow proper etiquette. And what they did was very unprofessional. If we give in this time, other companies will also do what they did."

He was requesting me to cooperate and attend the live event I was invited to last night. He's been bugging me since this morning but I'm not listening.

Like, why? 

Why would I extend my efforts to go out of my way just because they are a big company?

The event was rushed in. It was advised at the last minute, which was last night while I am having my late night tea, at seven in the evening.

How unprofessional. Right?

"The secretary was my friend. She really apologized for her fault because she overlooked the schedule and forgot to book the appointment in time. Can you please reconsider?"

Phi was almost begging but I kept silent and held my face to stay unreadable.

I don't give a f**k at whoever invited me. Professionalism should be always practiced. That's my belief and that's the treatment that I deserve.

One, because though I am a model and a superstar, I hate socializing. I hate the crowd.

Modeling in a studio and acting are fine if there is crowd control...

My introverted nature that hates places with too many people, prevents me from doing quite a lot of things. But that's fine with me. As long as I feel safe inside my own bubble.

That's why I seldom accept crowded gatherings especially fan signing or live events like this offered impromptu contract.

I have come to accept the fact that at six years old, I have developed a moderate case of Anthropophobia, so I have to undergo a certain procedure to overcome my fear of the crowd. My treatment has come a long way from my childhood days up to the present, and I have to thank my personal doctor for that.

Two, I have had several bad experiences regarding public events which have triggered my phobia.

In some cases, the fans would pinch me as they couldn't keep their hands off me and as much as I love the affection they are giving, I also hate it. It felt like I am a mannequin that has to give in to their every whims and request.

Too much of everything is not good.

My arms would sometimes feel like they are burning from too much squeezing. Directors and sponsors also often take their leverage too seriously and have taken advantage of me multiple times by simply putting their arms around my shoulders a bit tighter or having their faces too close during photo sessions.

For god’s sake! Gimme a break!

And three, camera lights are good, but spotlights? No... I'd rather not. It's super-hot-on-the-skin kind of lighting and it made me feel exposed, vulnerable and it dries up my skin.

It’s not that I’m being picky or what, I’m just not on good terms with spotlights so as much as possible, I seldom accepted runways.

One thing was for sure, if I could decide on my career path, I wouldn't want to be a model, nor an actress at all.

I HATE THE CROWD. I hate people. They make me feel suffocated, uncomfortable and anxious.

Other than my family and close friends, I don't want anyone to get even at an arm's length with me.

I just can't help it. I'd rather stay in the confinement of my room and play computer games all day during my day offs, where I felt safe, where I can be myself and not someone they asked me to be.

Being homeschooled didn't help much to develop my social skills at all. If anything, it only adds up to my insecurity, fears, and abandonment issues.

Why do I have abandonment issues anyway?

I grew up with my parents and they love me very much. So why?

This question has bugged not even me but also my personal advisor and psychiatrist Dr. Karla Vachirawit. She has been working on me for ten years now and she still couldn't find relevant reasons as to why I felt like that at all.

My multi-awarded actress mother decided that I shouldn’t be confined inside the four corners of my room, and my multi-millionaire father supports her in that scheme.

She said I need to go out of my comfort zone.

I need to explore the world.

I need to overcome my introverted nature as a preparation when I take over the management of our company.

Being an only child and the sole heir to the multi-million company that my father has built, I must learn how to face people, make deals and manage the business. How could I do that if I’m afraid of interactions?

Thus, resulting in them enforcing a 5-year contract with me. Five years in the industry and they would let me go, do whatever I wanted to do with my life.

They believe that once I am all grown up, I could make my own choices perfectly. My mom said that it would be a great practice for me. And my dad agreed with her. Besides, dad said that popularity would help the business in the long run. That's how my parents showed their love for me.

The sixteen-year-old me could do nothing but to agree.

I, being dependent on them at the time, had no choice. Any objection I thought about has all gone to waste. They would've had their way anyway, so I gave up. I let them be.

And in order to start my career, my mother used her connections to sign me up for a modeling job. I thought it's ridiculous, but she insisted.

On my first shoot, I was so nervous I fainted after a few shots. It was the most dreadful and embarrassing moment of my life. But my mother never gave up on me, she contacted Phi Best, one of the best talent managers in the country to mentor and manage my career. The first time we met, I instantly liked the gay manager and that was a first. I never liked anyone at the first meeting.

Phi enrolled me in a talent center, got a bunch of modeling jobs and commercials and the rest was history. I became a high-end supermodel / commercial endorser. Apart from his commission on my works, my parents paid Phi Best a hefty amount just to handle me as my assistant. I am not comfortable with anyone else, so I said if it wasn't Phi, I'm not doing it.

"But Sasi, we have a contract with the sponsors. If you don't show up, it might affect your upcoming audition with channel 13 for the series your mother wants you to take part in."

He said in a hoarse voice, probably tired from coaxing me all day.

"A contract signed by mom, not me. f*****g contracts."

I grunted under my breath, without taking my eyes off the screen. That is how it's usually done. Phi will settle everything; mom will sign the contract and I will blindly do the job.

"Sasi please, we'll be late...You even fired the driver just because he chewed a piece of gum while driving?!... Who would-"

The door suddenly bursts open and in comes my mother? Also known as Madame Nuch, the one and only. She wears a floral white summer dress, with ruffles on the sleeves. The red rose prints on it accentuate her smooth ivory-colored skin.

"Chantara, honey! Why haven't you prepared yet? It's almost time for the DENTISTE's live event. Hey, darling… Don’t tell me you plan on ditching the sponsors!"

She exclaimed, her eyeballs expanding in disbelief as she sashayed towards me. Her long curly auburn hair swayed with her every step. Whenever my mom called me in my full name, I knew she was getting serious.

"But mae, I'm nervous around fans. What if they get greedy and hug me?.."

I just threw a bored glance at her and continued to play.

I don't want to go, especially with the thought of interacting with the top spenders from the said brand of mouth hygiene products. Those fans tend to be handsy because they think they have the right. They spend a fortune, so they might demand the same worth of attention.

Top spenders are those fans who have spent more than usual. They are competing for the top position as the highest spender but in this case, those who make it to the top ten will have close contact with me. They will be allowed to stand closer, have a one-on-one picture, shake hands and even hug me.

"It's inevitable, but that's exactly the reason why we are doing this. To have you open to strangers. To prepare you for the future. We have a contract, remember? Within 5 years, you will do what I say. Remember? Bester, please get her a suit. I'll help her prepare. And please contact Lin, she'll be doing my daughter’s makeup tonight."

Phi Best complied with what my mom said and started on the way to get my wardrobe, dialing on his phone.

"Mae, I said I'm not going. What if that stalker came to the venue? You're not even bothered about my safety?"

I said in frustration, still focusing on the game that I'm already losing grasp with. This game is now getting on my nerves.

I can't be defeated! s**t!

I tried to hit my mom's weakness, and that's my safety card. It was true that there was a stalker after me.

"Oh, about that."

She turned behind her and from there came out a tall man in a black suit.

I didn't bother to look, as I could already see him in my peripheral vision.

Some big punk huh?

"Honey, this is Mr. Suttinut. Your new bodyguard. He will accompany you wherever you go. And, he will be reporting directly to your father, so don't you ever think of trying your naughty tricks. Bester, you know what to do."

She turned to Phi Best.

"Hi, nice meeting you, I am Bester, Sasi’s personal manager. If you need anything, just ask me. By the way, can you drive?"

He offered a handshake.

"Nice meeting you sir, and yes I drive. Hello Ms. Lamwilai, I'm Meuwarrat but you may call me Raki."

The voice came so deep it made me jolt in surprise, I got disoriented on the game and punched on the wrong keys then got lost immediately.

"Just call me Phi Best. I hate formalities. Anyway, here are the car keys."

My manager gave him the keys before he turned around to get my wardrobe.

"s**t!.. I lost??!..fuck!."

I can't help yelping as I see the word DEFEAT on my computer screen.

I flipped then tossed the keyboard in my annoyance, and with a scowl, I harshly turned to look at the owner of the voice.

"Wha-"

-tever...

My breath was caught captive in my chest the instant my eyes met the most intense, hazel-brown eyes I have ever seen. It was dark yet lightness was evident in its misty glow. I was taken aback by the cold and penetrating gaze that was thrown upon me. As if he was reading my soul. Seeking some kind of familiarity.

His presence felt familiar to me too, but I am sure as hell that this is the first time that we have met.

I felt naked under his scrutinizing eyes, the warm blood rushed to my face from embarrassment, and I instantly turned crimson red.

Who is this man?

My eyes roamed around his marvelous face. The straight dominant nose, high cheekbones, thick eyebrows, and pursed thin lips.

A handsome fucker.

What's with the looks? Is it also a requirement?

My mom and her standards.

I smirked and rolled my eyes.

I could see how those prominent jawlines moved as if he gritted his teeth to pulverize it.

"So, honey, are you gonna continue being stubborn to your precious Mae?"

She walked towards me and gently brushed the strands of hair from my face. An underlying statement behind her question.

"Yeah, got it. I'll go ahead and prepare."

I managed a short response as I cleared my throat, then stood up to go and take a shower.

I'm still pissed but I suddenly felt very hot all over my body.

Maybe because I lost in the game?

Huh, adrenalin rush.

I have no choice but to comply with what my mom wanted just to end the argument, just like usual.

*****

An hour later*

I am sitting quietly inside the black, limited edition, Toyota C-HR that my father gifted for my twentieth birthday. Raki, the new bodyguard is driving, and Phi Best is sitting beside me, busy with his phone as usual. As I don’t like strangers, I kept my acquaintances to a bare minimum, so the driver also serves as my security which is pretty okay for now.

I wore my navy-blue Armani three-piece suit over a black high-necked lace blouse. My hair was brushed on the side with big curly waves on its tips, showing the two inches long silver drop earrings.

Ms. Lin has done a great job again accentuating my subtle beauty as she sat behind phi Best. The black glittery stiletto on my feet adds just enough confidence to my already depleting one.

I can't help but be wary of the things I might be doing later.

Can I do it? 

Yes, I can smile and act cheerful in front of the fans, I've rehearsed that much.

But interacting up close is a different story. Especially now that I remembered about the stalker that kept on appearing in all my events. Public or private, he's always there.

I shuddered at the memory of last week's incident where I saw the hooded figure pass through the open door of my dressing room and leave a bouquet of red roses with a note.

I HOPE TO BE WITH YOU VERY SOON. WAIT FOR ME.

I closed my eyes as pain seared through my temple.

I slowly massaged my head and accidentally looked ahead at the rearview mirror where I found a set of anxious eyes looking back at me.

I frowned and rolled my eyes at him.

What the hell is your problem?

Nosy fucker.

I closed my eyes again and tried to take a quick nap, hoping it'll help in calming down my nerves. No matter how much I wanted to go back and sleep, I couldn't.

Some lucky supermodel life, huh?

***

At the event*

The live event was going smoothly as it seems. It helps a lot that phi Best talked with the organizers and addressed my situation. Thus, creating a rule for the live fans (top spenders).

The Rule:

 No touching the talent in any form ( e.g.: pinching(cheeks or arms)/hugging/ kissing)

I may seem arrogant and conceited as I have always been labeled as, but I don't care much about that. My fans are understanding, and they love me.

 Besides, I will feel a lot more comfortable if they are being sweet and cooperative like this. Giving me a bouquet, gifts, and waving at me from a distance.

Don't get me wrong, I love my fans. It's just that I’m not yet accustomed to touching strangers. Just the thought makes my skin crawl with itch. This feeling of mistrust about other people outside my safe zone is something unfathomable for me.

 Luckily, the fans agreed and promised not to touch during photo ops.

See? They love me.

After the live event, where I did my best to endorse the products, which by the way went sold out just after the live aired for ten minutes, we proceeded with the picture taking.

I smiled sweetly at the fans and sponsors, hiding the rising anxiousness inside me.

But tonight, I guess the idea of having Mr. Raki standing just a few feet away from me, makes me feel more than a little at ease. I have had bodyguards before, being the last one fired for chewing a piece of gum while driving, which I found extremely annoying, so I fired him, but none of them gave me the impression of being safe. 

Could this new guy really protect me?

He looks alert, shifting his head from side to side.

I wonder what he is feeling with this crowd around us. Is he comfortable with it unlike me? He wouldn't take the job if not, right?

I looked in his direction as I waited for the next batch of fans to take a photo with me. He was facing the audience, so I have all the glory of his back to eye upon. His slightly wavy hair is neatly combed in place. Sleek, shining with hair wax and it gave him that 'fresh from the salon look'. 

His broad shoulders and muscles were perfectly curved from the suit that he was wearing. I noticed that this new suit was different from the previous one I saw earlier. It was pitch black, with Three pieces of silver cuff buttons. The 3-piece suit lacks any adornment, but it definitely looks good on him. It fits perfectly from his massive shoulders to the hollow of his back and his superfine hips and buttocks-

Wait, what? Why am I ogling on some asshole's butt?

The sneaked glances I threw at him became constant and without me realizing it, I've been staring at the man for quite some time. As if my eyes were drawn to his back, to his silhouette and that muscled biceps.

"Sasi…Sasi, what happened?"

 Phi Bester's voice awakened me from my mischievous scrutiny.

"Huh? Why phi?"

 I was equally dumbfounded by the sudden call out.

"You've been zoning out and frowning, are you feeling okay?”

"Aow, I’m sorry phi. I’m okay, let's continue the shot."

 I vowed to Phi and the fans beside me, smiled sweetly to them just to ease the chagrin I am feeling.

Then I looked up at the camera and I could feel a pair of nosy eyes on me, making me blush with embarrassment. I endured the creeping hotness towards my ears and cheeks. It’s so embarrassing, I want the ground to just swallow me. 

Did he notice?

Damn Sasi! 

But suddenly, my sight caught a familiar figure in the middle of the audience. The black hooded individual slowly made his way through the crowd, his face entirely shadowed under the hood of his black jacket and he walked towards me.

I began to feel the rising panic in my chest as I tried my best to smile on the camera.

Please...please finish this shoot now...

Each slow step that the unknown person is making sends shiver after shiver of fear to my bones.

I am slowly being eaten by the alarm. Like a butterfly having its wings plucked out, one by one.

My heart starts to palpitate relentlessly...

 It’s bursting.

Beads of sweat began to form in my forehead and my palms got damped.

My hands trembled with fear.

I knew it, anxiety will be attacking real soon...

I need to get out of here quickly.

As the last fan stood beside me to take a photo together, I looked at phi Best to somewhat ask for help in a form of a silent gesture.

But Phi is busy talking with someone and he isn't looking in my direction.

As the last picture was taken, I found the hooded man in front of me. Besides the cameraman. Just a few feet away.

He is carrying a basket of red roses just like before.

 And I could also see a notecard in there.

 I am horrified and I really can't control the shaking of my body now.

The fan beside me noticed my trembling body and asked softly...

"Nong Sasi, are you okay?"

I just nodded slowly and continued smiling even though I felt like bursting into tears.

Mae, help me...I’m afraid..Mae...

As I was silently praying and chanting in my mind, the fucker waved his hand at me as if to say hello.

 He kind of tilted his head and showed his terrifying grin that wiped the smile off my face.

 A set of unevenly crooked teeth gets me undone.

That's it. I’m out of here.

Before I could even stand up to run backstage.

 My vision became blurry, as my throat contracted.

 I can't breathe.

 I tried to inhale several times, but no air came into my lungs…

 I was gasping as I clenched my hurting chest.

Air...I need air...

 Please, somebody..help me...

I reached out my hand and in my foggy sight, saw everyone in the room panicked, they were saying something, but I couldn't hear what it was anymore. There was a painful ringing in my ear and time seemed to slow down as they ran towards me including the rascal, making its way closer...

Badum..

Badum..

Badum..

Badum..

Just like that, everything went black.

 I’m falling.

But before I totally lost my consciousness, a pair of strong arms encircled my waist into a very tight hug, catching me as I fell.

And the feeling of overwhelming security envelops my soul, that familiar scent of home and calmness washed through me before I go beyond the unknown...

***