Withering Soul

Love Me

“Sofie…”

“Yes oppa” she answered me while still rinsing the dishes in the sink.

“I cannot do this…”

“What do you mean?” I walked towards her hoping to get her whole attention. But she continued her business with the dishes.

“Look at me”. She turned around and gave me a quizzical look. I was nervous, trying to pull my thoughts together. A huge lot of fear, of…I was not sure, maybe rejection? clenching my chest. I needed more air and so I inhaled and exhaled instead of giving her an answer. She turned her attention back to the sink and finished the stuff. I blew a big sigh, and tried to organize my thoughts. She got the work done and took my hand, we walked to the dining table and took a seat on the chairs. Her expression was decisive. I didn’t know what she was going to do, but I obeyed her. I cursed myself over and over in my mind for being such a stupid big guy in front of a kid, no, a woman. Let’s say she was a woman. Her age was not fair to her maturity. She was much more mature than me, I could say. While still giving me the look,

“Oppa, say it, I am all ears” she was waiting. She definitely gave us the space for me to pour all my mind into.

"I suppose you know how I feel about you… "

"Let's say I don't. Tell me. How do you feel about me?" See? She totally outsmarted me. I was almost dumb if I didn't remember how long I had been in the dark spot, liking her alone.

"I like you… "

"Yeah, I like you. That's why we're friends?"

"As a man to woman"

"But you know I have a girlfriend."

"That's why, I wanna beg you to like me back. Leave her, come to me." She chuckled and gave a smirk. I totally lost it. In such a time, it's been some time, she did something I didn't predict at all. I couldn't read her mind.

"Is it because we kissed days ago? Because we had some fun?" And it was another sarcasm. I almost cried, to be honest. ‘Gosh, Zev, are you really a man?’ But that was harsh.

"No, Sofie, it's not because of that. But yeah, I do like it, but my feelings for you have been a long journey. Not because of that."

"Since when?"

"I am not sure of when, but you broke my heart when you left just like that 7 years ago. And my heart jumped for joy when I saw you again at the company. And yeah, I was trying to find a chance to see you. It's not a temporary fling. And, yeah, when the scandal broke, I was really hopeless too. I didn't expect someone else would have taken the place in your heart."

"Stop that oppa. You won't find happiness by liking someone like me"

"Is it because you can't see me as a man?"

"Should we try again? To make sure?" I looked at her to make sure. But she was serious with her words.

"Is it that easy for you to do such a thing?"

"Yes. I told you. I know how to have fun. That kind of thing is easy." I was boiling inside imagining her doing such kinds of things with someone else.

"How far have you gone, doing such things?"

"For us? I am not sure which thing is far and not, but we did our research, trial and error and enjoyed it."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"I do. That's why it's fun. Unless I won't call it fun. Oppa, what's the purpose of interviewing me? Don't you think you're a bit too much by asking me such personal things?" But I couldn't care more.

"When you kissed me, did you like it? I mean, enjoyed it?"

"Well yeah, if you remember, we almost went further but you stopped us."

"It means that you see me as a man."

"Well, I guess so. It's indeed good, I felt good."

"Is it possible that you have a certain feeling for me? Like I do to you?"

"I don't know. I prefer we don't talk about such serious stuff. I am not that kind of person"

"So your thing with Cara is not that serious, can I say that?"

"I don't know why you should define things in such a way. Why does it matter if our things are serious or not? She is all I have. We have mutual feelings and needs. I think it can tell everything"

"Until when?"

"I don't know. Who knows until when I am even alive? I don't wanna meddle on such stupid ground. And oppa, that's enough. I started to think, why should I answer all your questions?"

"Because I care."

"No, you don't care. You're trying to switch my direction to yours."

"Like me back, Sofie. Love me… "

"Hahaha! What the hell?!" It was a witch act she gave me, laughing in a mocking way.

"Sofie…" I didn't understand her at all, yet I had to say everything I wanted to say.

"Oppa, do you wanna act like a typical eastern country man? To like you? And what? Love you? And what's after that? You will ask me to date you. And after that, we will be engaged and get married. I should give birth to babies. Is it what you want?" Good gracious! She said all the things I wanted. I mean, which man in the world wouldn't want such a beautiful life with the woman he loved? But she said it in sarcasm, and why such a detail yet hurtful?

"Sofie… Well, I do, I dream of having such a life with you. What's wrong with that?"

"Alright. Let's see. Can you even give me what I want?"

"What do you want?"

"Satisfy me. Every time I am in need."

"What do you mean?" She was still with a decisive look, her eyes were still mysterious. I didn't see a woman in need, but she moved closer to me and kissed me. I didn't have time to even consider if I should follow her movements or not. I was bewitched by her play. I responded by giving the same energy, sucking her lips till we played with our tongues. She got on my lap, playing her hands around my neck after circling my hands to her waist. That was the first time, while my blood stream ran fast, the butterfly in my stomach flew, and my manly desire woke up. I was on top of the world.

"I wanna try that one" She whispered, and at that moment I clearly saw something beautiful in her eyes. Decisiveness and anger from minutes ago were not there anymore.

"What's that?"

"You get into me… " Her puppy eyes, blinking innocently, just like a little girl asking for an ice cream in the supermarket. I was at a loss for words again.

"Sofie, this is new to me. How can you even say such things casually?"

"See? You can't match my level, oppa. I told you, my life is not as simple as you think. Now, you may enjoy this with me. Another day, you might run away from me. Never again, think about having such a good life with me. I am not a simple, normal girl". She said all the shitty words while caressing my nape softly, which made me lose all my sanity. f**k it. I took her lips to mine again. I couldn't get enough of her. I enjoyed my field experience and wanted to gain more credit for my skill. She followed and even expanded her play. She moved her hands to my chest. I lost the process but I could feel her hands touching my skin softly and it felt so warm, she was playing with my n*****s and I flew higher. Till she caressed my lower part, which was totally hardened, it felt so good, but my conscience told me to stop. I hugged her tightly so she could stop all movements she made at me. She succumbed to it and embraced me.

"See? You cannot give me what I want." She whispered helplessly.

"Is that what you really want from me?"

"Mmm… That would be the best thing I can get from you."

"That hurts Sofie. You don't want me but my thing?"

"Mmm…let's not talk about it, I told you. Just like how I don't wanna own you, that's how I hope others don't tie me to any. Whatever people say, you will regret it. Let's just have fun."

"I have waited to meet you for years just to get this?"

"Your fault. How can such a fine boy even be broken-hearted because of a crazy girl". I lifted her body and carried her to the sofa. I took the same position on the sofa. Having her embracing my body was my dream, and I planned to stay that way as long as I could. I was happy feeling her warm breath while talking on my neck and shoulder. The soft movement her hands made on my back was another underlined main topic. At that rate, I believed that she liked me. But seeing how she valued life, I also believed she only enjoyed it, only because it felt good, not because she had certain feelings for me. Whatever.

"Don't tell me, you act this kind to me because I was kind to you?"

"I should be kind to you, and uncle and aunty for taking care of me. Yes I should. Or do you expect me to be such a brat who cannot even cherish good people in life?"

"That's why you sent me the meals?"

"Mmm… I will pay back all the meals I ever ate, in full, including the interest." I chuckled. She was very simple. Doing math while living her life. Yet she said she wasn't simple.

"You don't need to."

"But I will"

"Can I ask for another kind of payment?"

"Like what? Money?" I chuckled, I should say that she was being funny.

"You really want to pay your debt?"

"Yes. I don't like to be indebted. I should give back."

"Be my wife. That way, you will be able to pay them in full."

"Bullshit!"

"You know how to hurt my feelings with your words."

"You feel hurt?"

"Mmm… " She chuckled.

"That's another reason you shouldn't live with me. You will be hurt continually till you die."

"Why are you so confident?"

"Because that's who I am."

"Is that how you cast me away?"

"Maybe… "

"Remember when we were in grade 3? When you still brought the meal boxes from home but you didn't touch them. I am curious, until now. Why?" It was a total silence. She halted her movements. Her hands on my back, her breath in my neck, halted. I got the signal, she didn't mean to answer the question. And it was another awkward moment where I got lost and didn't know how to get back to the main track. I took her off of me, tried to look at her face, and wanted to know why we turned that way. Only to find an expressionless face.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Oppa, let's get back to our routine. I need to go back to my lessons."

"Is it around this time?"

"Just any time I can."

"So this is how I am casted away from this house?" She turned to herself, chuckled.

"If you're this sensitive, I suggest you don't come here often. My every gesture and word will be able to hurt you." I managed to hold my tears back. It was so hurtful. I didn't understand her and I didn't know how to behave. Yet I still wanted to run my mission. It was like she cut all possibilities even before I tried to win her. Her eyes changed to fierce when she realized the change in my air. She smirked and chuckled.

"You're such a baby." She got off my lap and walked to her room, leaving me clueless. I shed tears, feeling so scared. I wished I knew what was wrong so I could fix things. But she left me totally in the dark and seemed to enjoy my suffering. I walked back to my house while still thinking so hard, all the questions that had been planted in my head, all those years, seemed like they couldn't find any answers. But yeah, it was a perfect time to record the song demos. All the emotions I got might help to make the songs filled with soul. I focused myself on work in order to forget my broken heart. But to be honest, she couldn't leave my head for even a second. In the mixed composition, she gave me all the ecstatic feelings and her other self, who gave me the bitter feelings. She made me feel all kinds of emotions at the same time.