Meet Me In Autumn

2: Ghost Of The Past

“Hey, Kat, how's the day?” Yuna asked once she stepped behind the counter, ready for her shift right after Katarina's.

The latter girl felt pats on her left shoulder, a few soft taps of comfort, making her turn to recognize Yuna's presence. She beamed a soft expression — more like a tired one, then replied, “fewer customers than our usual weekends,” she saw Yuna shrug and mouth 'not bad' in a very confident manner, and with that simple reaction, all her initial worries faded, “right, maybe because of the newly opened café on the nearby street?”

Yuna raised her hand and gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up, “you got it, Kat! Don't worry too much about losing our loyal customers!” and Katarina mirrored her expression, giggling at their silliness afterwards. But the oddness in her eyes failed to be unnoticeable within Yuna's knowing gaze, and she finally put all the twos that's really bugging Katarina together. “Are you… serious in quitting this job? Like, for real?”

“Unfortunately, yes…” really, she found it rather unfortunate than lucky for having that one of a kind chance to be a celebrity just like how she dreamed of when she was a kid because it also means having limited freedom. If only Katarina will be allowed to pursue her future while keeping that part-time job in the café with Yuna by her side and one shout away, she would definitely choose that safe option. But as the company instructed, she has to leave that place, so she could fully focus on her career, “I… already found a very great opportunity, who knows if I am originally destined to become famous just like your celebrities, yeah? This is a gamble.”

“You're so ambitious, you know?” Yuna rolled her eyes playfully, but then her expression turned into a rather blissful one later on, her eyes shining out of exasperating joy, proud of her best friend's courage in betting her whole life into that unsure career. “I love that about you.”

“Keith told me I should keep my mindset as that because I've got potentials,” Katarina proudly replied, sticking her tongue out and wiggling her eyebrows, “and what's wrong with hoping to get the best this world can offer, yeah?”

“You've been talking about that Keith guy for a while now.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Yeah,” Yuna jokingly admitted, “but I really wish you all the best, Kat. It's been years since I'm stuck in this café and that ain't cool at all, so I'm happy that you are stepping ahead, won't get your thumb staying behind bars.”

“You'll eventually finish college, then find a better job. Subsequently,, let's meet again, and maybe you can boast about your achievements while I listen attentively. I'll patiently wait for that time.”

“You seem so sure that I'll be successful, while I doubt myself. We should just exchange souls and maybe come back after fulfilling our goals, don't you think?”

“It's because there's no wrong in claiming that you'll be! Stop dragging yourself and believing suppositions, Yuna. And I'm also confident that this life would pamper you, you're great, smart and persevered,” Katarina said without breathing in between her sentences, and Yuna fanned her right after her rambling, motioning a guide to breathe in and breathe layful, Katarina obliged and did what she was told.

“You okay now?”

“If you don't listen to me, then no.”

What Katarina just said was right, though, and everything soon sunk into the latter girl's profound realization like a strong swing of a baseball bat hitting right in her head and all other right places to make her ponder and analyze it more.

“Gah, I'll be leaving now. Please do well and serve with a smile,” Katarina stepped in, holding both of Yuna's cheeks to stretch her lips to a wide smile that looked rather weird than welcoming. She then laughed her lungs out, wanting to take a picture of the funny scene and put it in a frame, hang it on her wall and stare at it whenever she's drained.

She only has Yuna during these hard times, and it's actually her pleasure to be blessed by the latter's kind and encouraging personality that doesn't give up despite having difficulties each and every time.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Go on, leave me and never ever come back, okay?” Yuna shooed her away, pushing her off the counter and towards the locker area until they reach her designated spot where her things lie.

“You're so mean, you really want me gone very soon? At least hide your anticipation to not see me ever again as a co-worker and send me with a smile on your face, maybe?”

“Until you're gone, I'll be the employee of the month!”

“But Yuna, you are stable at being the employee of the month since two years ago. Nothing has changed.”

“Yeah, right! So don't ever come back, I… I think you'll be snatching that position anytime soon… if you continue attending this job,” she spoke in between sobs while one of her hand grabs on Katarina's uniform, pushing her forth, and the other is wiping the tears that was spilling from her eyes.

“Now, why are you weeping, crybaby? It's not as if we'll be apart? You can contact me, send me messages, or schedule me some calls. You'll be on my priority list. You know very well that the bond between us will remain, yeah? I'll just be away by a few blocks to try reaching my dreams.”

“Yeah, and I'll be your number one fan, don't forget to give me lots of sign when you become popular internationally! Now go and sprint for that goal!”

“Internationally my ass, I should be well-known locally first, but sure, I'll give you limited edition goods, so you can sell them in the highest price.”

“Bye bye, I'll miss you, Kat.”

“Same here, buddy,” Katarina said, giggling while taking most of her things out of the locker that will soon be abandoned, empty and lonely when she's gone.

“Never ever come back, I'm telling you.”

“You're so sweet,” a pout, “I'll miss it here. Tell Manager Sally that I'll miss her, too.”

Yuna nodded with tears, “I'M JUST JOKING, COME BACK WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT, KAT, WE'LL BE WAITING!”

And Kat left with a sad smile, murmuring encouraging words to herself before she steps into the new journey that awaits her, a new ride that will for sure be shaky, unstable, and full of bumps. But either way, she knows she'll succeed, she's claiming it.

Katarina enjoys the fall more than she does enjoy the hot summer, cold winter and comforting spring. She enjoys walking alone to feel the air hitting her skin, she enjoys strolling around the vicinity and away. She enjoys doing nothing too heavy and relax after her tiring part-time job ends every afternoon.

It's okay to not be so productive every once in a while and have a little rest, so I could recharge… she always tells herself, convincing the little voice in her head to just give in and let her wander instead of go home only to overthink and hurt herself. It's okay to just spend her time alone and not do anything, she deserves the rest, she deserves the peace of mind without the constant worry of doing something useful in Society's eyes. And that kind of mindset has allowed her to have her time for setting herself into her desired rest.

The sky that day was pretty and blue, with pinches of white cotton compression and cumulated water vapor dangling above her presence. It was rather calming, healing and comforting than screaming danger of a thunderstorm. And Katarina loves just that.

The only season she's doing this kind of leisure during her idle time is autumn, and nothing apart from that. She finds serene and contentment during autumn, a thing she doesn't seem to witness in any other season, for a resolve and to say it feels just like autumn.

She finds relief, especially when the leaves that turned red falls either deliberately or hastily after detaching from a tree branch, then covers the ground she steps in. She finds it amusing how she can literally witness how gravity acts upon the falling pieces, and how it has to stop moving when it reaches the ground, unless a force acted upon it to make it dance again on the air.

Every so often, she also enjoys seeing herself in other people, she loves remembering how she used to be as happy and contented as them, as jolly and as delightful. She remembers thriving for her long gone cheerfulness and joy, but until now, she fails to gather her shattered pieces back together. Back from the day she left without any further notice and explanation, Katarina lost it….

She also remembers some of those other times than autumn, she is locking herself alone, lying on her back lifelessly while facing the empty ceiling and staring blankly at it as if waiting for some interesting action to happen with a usually dead and lazy expression painted within her dark orbs, sometimes with tears rolling down her cheeks like a rushing river, and without anything spoken for she can't put what she feels into any word, she will weep.

“Where can she be? Is she eating on time? Does she sleep before ten, or she stays up to watch the stars? Is she thinking about me, too? I wonder if we look up at the same time to see the moon…” she would ask herself a hundred times while playing with her hair absentmindedly. Occasionally, she would pull too hard, hurting herself in the process but, to have it balanced with a good and bad effect, it would also bring her back to her reverie and make realize that she's been thinking about her again.

It has been a very busy life these past few years, working her ass so hard and finding too little to no time for resting, finding more jobs suitable for her small body frame and doesn't require a degree — which is very hard. But now that she finally got a chance to have a decent and high-paying one, she should be celebrating, partying by herself because she will be pulling out from the part-time job in the café that technically fed her for almost half a decade — yet she is in that street again, that particular street.

And then, some other time, she would let herself drown deep into an empty space filled with thoughts, she would blame herself for everything she thinks was her fault, she would regret most of her mistakes in the past like it hasn't been forgotten even just once, she would question every decision she actually hated doing, and she would ponder all the things she should have done with all these years.

“What if I actually told her how I feel, will it change a thing? What if we had a better introduction and I got to know her more than I know to call her name, will it change a thing? What if she didn't leave… will it change a thing?” she knows that everything she keeps on mentioning will change lots of things, but she continues her dilemma still, in hopes to feed her delusions and find a way out of being stuck into that wormhole full of her.

This will never stop, she guesses… no, not until she sees her again, not until they make up the promise that they will venture the world together.

And despite all the pain she hides by herself because she has nobody to share her stories with, despite the painful longingness and empty feeling lingering down her throat up to the corners of her chest, she still optimistically thinks that during those times, she is happy enough, at least to not view herself as someone so miserable.

Katarina smiled and put her hands inside her sweater's pocket… she never really learns and instead of knowing how to dress in this time of the year, she kept a silly habit of only wearing a top too thin to keep her warm. Maybe hoping that she… she would scold her and tell her she has to wear something thicker next time, or she would wrap yet another scarf around her neck… who knows?

Just like what she got used to, she felt her body getting cold as the nighttime slowly creeps, indicating that winter is nearly approaching, and she is still that dumb girl who only wore a thin sweater that won't keep her warm.

With a deep frown because of her freezing blood, all she could do is squeeze herself inside the sweater, hug her own body and feel the air hit her frame. She still doesn't want to go back home and let the darkness consume her for the rest of the day, she doesn't want the realization of her empty and lonely home to hit her again and again. A home where she only lives alone can't be called home and if it doesn't feel like home, it's not a home, it is simply just a shelter.

They say home is where the heart is, but she can't find her home, no, she has lost it and at that moment, she lost herself, too. She's nowhere to be found, as well as the place she could actually call her home. Because she is her home, anywhere beside her is home and not that house, nor her room with four corners full of things she used to love and things she finds valuable… she is home.

She pursed her eyes tightly, and stopped at where she was standing. She felt her heartbeat raise a beat by recalling a damn memory she has always wanted to repeat…

Their smiles meeting with eyes disappearing into nowhere while they laugh over silly memories and funny jokes…

Their orbs locking into an intense gaze whenever their eyes would battle and test each other's stands on a certain debate, unwilling to be left out, unwilling to lose…

Their breaths filling the un-awkward silence…

Their bodies pressed together when it gets too cold at night….

Their hands absentmindedly intertwining whenever they bump against each other in their walk. “Just hold it tight, you look like a shy puppy contemplating her moves,” she would giggle playfully, teasing Katarina with all her might, a playful grin written within her lips. But every so often, she would only receive a confused look from the latter, she would lose the patience to tease Katarina, and she will be the one to be so brave and proceed to folding their fingers together, so their hands wouldn't leave a tiny space.

Katarina misses her, them. So much.

“Wishing for you…” she whispered through the thin air like a silent wish on a falling star and all the 11:11s, sighing out loud right after and inhaling the cold air before blowing it out slowly again and reopening her eyes to look up… only to realize that she is still seeing the exact same scenery as before….

Falling leaves, people, and the blue sky.

She's still on the street.

At that exact same street….

Her eyes started to become teary upon that obvious realization as more pieces of their memory came flashing through her own eyes. The best yet sad moments she ever had had retorted in a blink as a familiar stature of the person she misses the most appeared in her peripheral vision. She turned around again to look intently with her clouded vision. She scrunched her eyebrows together so she could get a better look at whoever it is and reassure if she's seeing the girl right, as if furrowing would work in making her sight clearer.

She knew she might just be hallucinating and imagining things, or it is just her mind playing tricks, but she still tried to smile and wave her hand in an attempt to get the attention of the girl from across the street, thoroughly ignoring the fact that she's believing her mind again and not the reality.

In hopes to see her again after a long time — a really long time — she didn't care if people are already finding her weird, and she still shouted her name, “SHARON!”

She wants Sharon to be breathing the fresh air and sharing the same warm air beside her again. She wants Sharon smiling because of her silly dad jokes, losing her eyes in laughing — may it be because of Katarina's corny jests or childish plays — the way she used to. She wants Sharon talking and sharing about her day while she listens attentively…

Katarina smiled, her eyes becoming heavier and wet with the tears that started forming, “hey, Sharo–” but in the middle of her supposed to be yell, she felt a warm hand slide inside her sweater's pocket, grabbing and caressing her cold hand in the process.

She flinched away. Then turned her head on her other side to see the culprit savoring her bewilderment. Same as the criminal's usual approach to scare her, it was smiling slyly, like someone who won a game between life and death by wit, while looking and giggling at Katarina's shocked face.

Kat wiped her tears in an impulse, unwillingly to be seen crying like a weak child and a crybaby she knows she still is.

“You seem too startled, aren't you, Kat?”