Lost between Two

The smell of farwell

30 May 1973

Dear Sarah, my beautiful flower, my flying angel, I wish I could protect you as I promised.

The smell of farewell haunted your room which used to smell like amber ,I have no words to describe my pain , I try to look strong but I can't , you always were the one to deal with the hard times and not me , so why you left me in the bottom of this chaos .

I never could admit my love to you , and now I regret it so much , I wish you were here to tell you this while I'm looking deep into your hazel eyes , as my granny said once "the words are so liars but the eyes will never be". Sorry for opening your secret book without your permission but when I write here, I feel like if I'm contacting you dear.

I can't help feeling guilty, I shouldn't let you alone. If I were with you, I'd stop you to drive when you're drunk ,I'd help you get out of your crisis, and you'd stay alive.

I was in our family house when I heard about the tragedy , I couldn't help crying and screaming , fortunately Carl was with me , the poor tried his best to calm me down , we could see the sadness on his face and some dropped tears on his cheeks , but the thing that I couldn't understand is how a family can stay so calm and act so cool toward this kind of situations , especially Adam who was in high spirits after hearing about the accident ,I will never forget what he said : " Rest in peace Sister , now you're no more here to harm our family's reputation , you should have died the day you were born" , I couldn't keep my tongue inside my mouth , so I started insulting him and we finished by putting a fight , from this you can conclude that I was expelled from the family utterly , you know what !?! I don't regret my acts , I was never proud of being a part of an arrogant family like this one . So after the fight I went back home in America ,where I found Fred , but it wasn't Fred I used to know , once he saw me , I don't know why he ran toward me and hugged me so hard as he never did before , and with a crying baby voice told me : " It's all my fault , forgive me Nina" , I replied "NO, Fred it's not your fault , it's mine" , I asked him how the accident happened exactly , " we found her burning car near the Santa Monica mountains , inside the car there was a woman remains , that it turned out to be Sarah's ones, they found the engagement ring that Claus offered her still on her burnt finger , the housekeepers and the security agents said that Nina drunk a big quantity of alcohol before going out door" , "OH poor sister , I wish I were in her place , she's too young to die » suddenly an anonymous put his hand on my back when I turned to check who , it cast out to be Claus , he was so pale and his eyes were red like blood , I could easily conclude that he was crying ,:" how can I live now , she was my first and last love , I can't wait to see her again , I'm willing to live with her in the other side " ,, I got some bad thoughts when he told me that , the first thought I got in mind is he's going to suicide , " Don't say that Claus , you still young and you still can find love in this mad world , I'm confident Sarah will be always alive in your heart " , " I wish so" ,that was the last time I talked to Claus .

few minutes before the burial , James came we hugged each other and exchanged some sad expressions , you can not believe what he told me :

"Nina , you can not imagine how much I mourn Selma's loss Inside"

" she was my only sister"

"for sure you were her sister and you loved each other , at least you could feel her love but me I loved her from the first glance but I never could tell her ,I never could feel her love toward me , I never heard her saying I love you James" while he was saying that , some true love's tears falled from his eyes ,

But that didn't stop him to continue with a full voice " all what I could do is following her like a dirty mouse from the studio, to home and watching her from far with another man without reacting"

I smiled and I replied so delicately : " Sarah loved you too , she confessed to me that a week before her birthday», but a wicked witch interrupted our chit-chat , Sabrina came , James didn't like her presence in the ceremony and he kicked her out of the place . Sorry Sarah for not keeping our little secret ,I thought it was not fair to hide this from James , but at least we both know who loves who .

Now , wishing , regretting , can't change the reality, even if I still feel your presence everywhere , it's like if you are still alive ,but unfortunately you are gone but I am still here this is why I promise you to give my best and stay strong , I'm confident if you were here , you would tell me with your soft voice : "live for the one you love , or live in place of the one you love" , and me I'm going to live in place of the one I really love from my heart who's you sweetie B.S .

The farewell is so hard but in your style seems hopeful ,that's why I wrote a song for you darling and I called it Far :

I never knew how to say goodbye but this time you forgot to say it too now I know how it feels when you go without telling .

Forgive me for every time i did it , for every bad word I said , for every moment I spent far from you .

This is not a sad experience words , this is the reality which gonna stay with me all the times , till the end of my life .

I wish if I can see you one more time , one last time , if I can stay with you till the end of time .

It's snowing in my heart , it's raining oi my soul the merry goes round like my heart rolling and spinning in circles , there's no explication to my pain ,depression haunted my brain , tears became my best friends .

This is not a sad experience words this is the reality which gonna stay with me all the times , till the end of my life .

I wish if I can see you one more time , one last time , if I can stay with you till the end of time .

OH , OH , OH , This farwell kills me ..... , this farwell kills me , oh sister come back to me , my arms are ready to hug you , my lips are so clean to kiss you ...