Ember

5 - You're blaming me!?

Ember

I am so confused right now.

Why did Lydia have to act that way with me?

Why did she have to try and kiss me and make out like she wanted to sleep with me?

She didn’t even care what it would do to Toby if we slept together, and he found out.

How could she think I would do that to him?

I’m so confused, frustrated, and angry. The tears are drowning me as I walk into Toby’s building. I know I’m probably overreacting, but I’m hurt by what Lydia did back at the house. I wish I could help her feel better about herself, and I wish she’d talk to me about what’s bothering her. Lydia pretends everything is okay, but I know it isn’t. I know Lydia better than anyone, even though she likes to pretend that nobody does.

I’ve been walking for hours, though I don’t know why. I guess to clear my head. But I can’t walk anymore. There’s nowhere for me to go but Toby’s. I get to his building and take the elevator up to his floor. The ride goes too quickly, and before I know it, I’m knocking on Toby’s door, tears streaming down my face, and I am so scared of how this night is going to end.

I’m scared because even though I can’t keep this from him, I know, deep down, that Toby will blame me for what happened with Lydia. He’ll blow up and accuse me of leading her on, and I don’t want that. All I want is to get this out of my system. I also want Toby to tell me that none of it matters.

Wishful thinking, Ember.

I know, but I couldn’t keep this from Toby; it wouldn’t be right. If I tried, Lydia would blurt it out the next time she got drunk or high, and if that happened, things would be so much worse for me with Toby.

Toby opens the door with a smile on his gorgeous face, his blonde hair slicked back, sweatpants low on his hips, and his beautiful muscles on show for me. His smile instantly disappears when he looks at me.

“Ember, what the hell happened?”

I throw myself at him, my arms tight around his waist. I need him to hold me for a moment. “Oh, Toby!” I wail. I don’t understand why I’m so upset; it’s not like Lydia attacked me. It was the drugs talking.

Toby leads me inside while asking me what’s wrong, but I can’t let go of him. So, he holds me close to him until I’m calm enough to pull away from him. I sit on his black couch while he fetches me a cold glass of white wine. I drink it down in one, the whole damn thing.

Fuc.k, I needed that.

“You wanna tell me what the hell is going on, Ember?” Toby’s smooth voice wraps around me like a warm blanket in winter, and I close my eyes to savor it for a moment. But I can’t put this off any longer.

“I did something terrible tonight, Toby. So terrible, and you’re gonna hate me, maybe even leave me for it. I didn’t want it to happen, and I tried to stop it, but…”

“Come on, Ember, nothing can be that bad.”

“Oh, but it is.” I turn to face him. I owe it to Toby to look at him when I tell him this. God, he’s so beautiful. Those deep brown eyes warm my very soul. “You know that I love you, don’t you?”

“Well, I hope so.” He chuckles.

“I never want to hurt you, and I don’t ever want to keep anything from you.” I look upward and breathe deeply through my mouth.

“Ember,” His hand on my face has me turning in his direction again. “What happened?”

“Lydia... I mean, she... We...” I can’t get the words out. Christ, I’m so pathetic right now.

“You what? Just tell me, Ember.”

“Lydia tried to kiss me.” He narrows his eyes for a second. “Nothing happened because I pushed her away. I don’t know why she did it, but something is so wrong. Lydia is hiding something that’s eating away at her. I don’t know, I guess she needed to find comfort somewhere, and she wanted to be with me… sexuall.y.”

I stare at Toby for a moment. I can’t read him, but he’s looking at me wide-eyed. His nostrils flare, and I swallow hard. I feel terrible about what happened.

But was it bad enough for Toby to be this angry?

I don’t want to argue about this, but I know Toby is about to blow up. Lately, Toby has been getting angry with me for any little thing. For the past couple of months, he’s barely touched me, and not once in a sexua.l way. If I try to get him to notice me, to touch me, he flips out and calls me all the names under the sun. It’s not a pleasant feeling having the man you love call you a slut and a whor.e.

Before I met Toby, I would never have stayed with a man who yelled at me every five minutes. I would have walked away after kicking his ass into next week. My mother is a strong and powerful woman who raised me to believe in myself. She also showed me how to take care of myself and to never let a man hurt me.

What she didn’t teach me is what to do when a man emotionally beats you down. Toby isn’t violent toward me. Like I said before, I’d smash his head in if he tried. But I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we’re together. Toby has changed so much in the last few months that I worry about merely spending time with my friends.

Toby doesn’t like my friends and says they take advantage of me. I know that’s bullshit. My friends, especially my MC friends, have been such since I was born. They know me better than anyone, and they would do anything for me, just as I would them.

I make damn sure Toby knows that I will never turn my back on those I love. Of course, this gives Toby reason to be angry with me, and we have enormous arguments. I don’t understand what changed between us. When I first met Toby, everything was perfect.

I suppose it’s that way for everyone when they meet someone new. I trusted him, we fell in love, and I thought we had a future. Now I wonder why I’m still with him when it’s clear that he’s fallen out of love with me.

If I weren’t so pathetic, I’d end things and move on. If Toby weren’t so stubborn, he’d tell me it was over and set us both free.

Why the hell am I still hanging onto a man who doesn’t want me?

Why can’t he let go?

Why can’t I?

I stare at him for a moment. I can’t remember the last time Toby told me he loved me. I tell him every day, but I haven’t heard those words from his mouth in weeks. It hurts because I still love him so much.

“What the fuc.k did you think you were doing?!” Toby yells so loudly that I startle in my seat. “Are you such a fuckin’ slut that you have to fuc.k around with Lydia?”

“It wasn’t like that, Toby. She kissed me, but it wasn’t a passionate kiss. I pushed her away and explained why it couldn’t happen.”

“You expect me to believe that she kissed you?”

My mouth hangs open in shock. I can’t believe Toby just said that! He thinks I’m the one who kissed Lydia. It’s written all over his face. Christ, I knew he’d blame me.

“Jesus, Ember, I can’t believe you would do this!”

“Me?! Are you for real? I just told you that it was Lydia who kissed me, not the other way around. I don’t know why she did it, but I think it was because she was high,”

Toby scoffs and rolls his eyes. The man actually thinks I’m the one in the wrong.

Why is it that Lydia can never do anything wrong in his eyes?

When Toby and I first got together, Lydia couldn’t stand him. If I’m honest, Toby didn’t like her either. They bickered every time they were in the same room and argued about the stupidest things. Now, suddenly, they’re friends, though Lydia said she’s only friendly with Toby because she didn’t want things to be difficult for me. I’m grateful, but Toby and I drifted apart while they became friends.

“I can’t believe you’re standing there, accusing me when I’ve repeatedly told you it was Lydia!” Getting to my feet, I clutch his arm. “Why is it she can never do any wrong in your eyes? You’re supposed to love me, yet you treat me like a damn leper most of the time!” I scrub my hands over my face and groan.

I don’t want to argue with Toby; I just wanted to be honest.

Honesty is the best policy, right?

All honesty gets me are moments like this where I wish I could disappear.

“How could you do this to me, Ember?”

I honestly don’t know what to say to him. I take a deep breath and wrap my arms around myself. “I love you, Toby, but I won’t have you blaming me for this.”

“How far did it go?” Toby grabs my arms and shakes me, and it shocks me. “Tell me!”

“It wasn’t what you think. How many times do I have to say the same thing?”

“Tell me!” Toby yells again while slamming me back against the wall.

I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t afraid of Toby right now. A biker and a borderline psychopath raised me, I shouldn’t be scared of anything, but I am. My mother trained me to protect myself by any means necessary. Self-defense, kickboxing, all sorts of martial arts, you name it, my mother taught it. It’s all well and good knowing all that stuff, but when the man you love is going postal, you freeze, and everything you thought you knew leaves your mind.

“She kissed you?” I nod while swallowing. “Touched every inch of your body, ate you out, shoved her fingers in you until you came for her?”

Oh my God, why is he saying this?

“Please, Toby! None of that happened. I pushed her away.”

His hands slam either side of my head against the wall. “Did she penetrate your tight cunt, Ember?”

“No, of course not. Please, don’t do this, Toby.”

“Don’t do this?!” He yells so loudly that my ears are ringing. “Why do you push me like this, Ember?”

My stomach tightens painfully, and I swallow hard. There is so much anger in Toby’s eyes that I’m scared he’s going to hit me. It would be the last thing Toby ever did if he laid a hand on me in that way. I’d kick his ass, not to mention my brother, and my mom and dad would finish him off. Because if he hit me, I would tell them. I keep nothing from them.

“I’m not pushing you, Toby. I’m trying to be honest with you, and you’re going crazy. I understand Lydia kissing me has annoyed you, but you’re taking this too far.”

“Why did she kiss you? What the hell did you do to make Lydia kiss you?”

My mouth drops open in shock. “Are you actually being serious? Oh, my God! I didn’t have to come here and tell you anything, Toby. But I did because I don’t like keeping things from you.”

“Not because you felt guilty? I mean, why would you be crying over Lydia kissing you if it was so innocent?”

I shake my head. “This is ridiculous,” I push past him, but Toby grabs my arm and yanks me to his side. “Take your hand off me, Toby.”

“I want the truth, Ember. I want to know why.”

“I said, let go of me!” Toby breathes heavily through his nose but lets go of my arm. “I told you the truth, Toby. Lydia kissed me. Why? I don’t know, but I do know that she was high. The drugs must have made her think she wanted me in that way.”

Toby stares me down. I won’t let him intimidate me, and I won’t tell him something that isn’t true. He’s supposed to care about me and believe me when I tell him that I didn’t kiss Lydia!

Toby’s mood suddenly shifts, and he smiles at me while cupping my cheek. “I’m sorry, Ember, I didn’t mean to go off on you. I didn’t mean to accuse you, either. I just can’t stand the thought of Lydia’s lips on yours.” He strokes his thumb across my cheek.

That jealous shi.t is not cool. I’m not a jealous person myself, and I told Toby before I agreed to this relationship that I wouldn’t put up with it from him either.

“I came here to tell you the truth. I was upset because I was confused by it all.”

“I know,” He pulls me into his arms, and I let him because I don’t want to leave here with bad feelings between us. “I’m sorry,” He kisses my head.

I look up at him. “Toby,”

“I know,” He cuts me off with a kiss on my forehead, which serves to tell me that this conversation is now over.

We can’t go on like this. Something is bothering Toby, and I have a feeling it’s the fact he no longer loves me the way he once did. I believe that Toby just doesn’t know how to tell me it’s over. I don’t want things to be over, but I don’t want Toby to stay with me if it’s only not to upset me. If he does that, it will only hurt more in the end.

I want to tell Toby that it’s over, but I don’t want to be the one to end things. I’ve tried talking to him about how he’s feeling, but Toby always tells me that I’m reading too much into things. I’ve even asked him why we haven’t had se.x in weeks, but he tells me that life isn’t all about se.x.

Of course, I know that, but we’re in what I thought was a serious relationship. Se.x isn’t the be-all and end-all, but Toby doesn’t even kiss me on the mouth the way he used to. I feel so unattractive.

If my own boyfriend won’t kiss me, what the hell does that say about me?

Tonight didn’t go the way I hoped, though it’s given me a reason to give Colin’s offer some serious thought.