Renewed

"I'm not that interesting."

I got up, ready to do exactly as my housemate suggested only to find Julissa making her way back over to the table looking completely flustered but the smile adorning her face was priceless. I was quick to move over so she could perch herself beside me, my eyes so totally lost in her and nothing else seemed to exist. 

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so lost in someone. I remembered every single one of my past relationships and never had I been so captivated by them in the beginning. I always wanted to be around them and I enjoyed that feeling of new, but never had I wanted to delve into their minds the way I did with Julissa. And I was still so completely confused by my feelings towards her, but all I knew was that I wanted more. More of my time with her, more of her smiles, more of her mind speaking through her willing lips. 

“Have fun?” Mila smirked at our new friend before nodding over to Chelsea who had found a dance partner in the crowd. 

I wondered if she knew that the girl swaying with her had a hungry look dancing in her eyes. 

“I can’t remember having that much fun.” Julissa confessed, turning her head to look at me. “Thanks for insisting I come out.”

“I’m glad you’re having fun.” I nudged her playfully, my eyes drifting to Mila who just happened to be watching our interaction.

“I’m gonna go find a girl that would be lucky to take me home tonight.” Mila winked to both of us before slipping out of her seat and disappearing into the crowd of bodies around us. 

I tentatively took a sip of my drink as my eyes returned to where they yearned to stay only to find her eyes prancing around the room, the smile never leaving her lips. She looked so perfectly in her element and everything about it had me feeling warm. 

“I like putting people in relationships in my head,” She spoke without looking at me. “I give them stories.”

“Yeah?” I listened intently, her voice loud enough above the music and the constant chattering around us. “Tell me about some of them.”

I leaned closer so she didn’t have to strain her voice. 

“Over there,” I followed her eyes to two men, one leaning his head on another’s shoulder and their hands clasping each other lazily. “They’re so comfortable with each other. They come here a lot, maybe they even met here. They’ve had their trials in their relationship but this place...this place brings them back to the beginning. When everything was...fresh. And so they come here because coming here reminds them of why they’re still holding onto each other so tightly.”

“There’s a toxicity in that though,” I had to say it. “They’re living in a past that might not even exist anymore. A time before those trials, a time when they were unchanged. But trials change people.”

“You’d know,” She turned to me and I was flustered by just how close we were and it seemed so was she. Her eyes held mine firmly in their grasp, her gaze spreading around my body like a small inferno. “You don’t believe in romance with trials?”

“I believe in loving someone for the them in the ‘then’, the ‘now’ and the ‘when’.”

“That entire statement didn’t make a lot of sense.”

“Sure it did,” I shrugged, backing up a little because her proximity was clouding my mind. “I believe in loving the person you meet, the person that’s fresh and new and exciting. I believe in loving the person you know, the one in the now, despite everything you may have endured with them. I believe in loving who they are after things change them because people change, it’s simply life. And I believe in loving the person in the future, when things are unknown. I believe in knowing you’ll still love them regardless of any hardships that may come.”

“You believe in true love.” She concluded, a softness settling in her smile.

“It’s...comforting.” I took another sip of my drink and watched her do the same.

“You know,” She looked around us for a moment. “Someone could be watching us and telling a story of us in their heads.”

“A love story?” 

“Any story.” She ducked her head as a small smile played on her lips. “I hope it’s a good one.”

“Me too,” God, she was breathtaking. She was everything my heart was beginning to yearn for, everything my eyes ever wanted to see, everything I wanted to know. “Let’s dance.”

I ushered her out of our seats because I promised her a good night out and that didn’t include me holding her captive of fictional loves. No, I didn’t want to be selfish with her.

I wanted her to have this night that she deserved.

Dancing with her was a challenge in itself because my hands wanted to touch her, even if it were just her hands but I refrained. I held myself back, letting her sway to the beat and following her lead in it all. 

“Winter!” I heard my name being called and cast my gaze over my shoulder.

My eyes widened in surprise as she approached us with the same dazzling smile that drew me in the first time I met her. 

Reid Howard, an ex-fling that I’d hoped would amount to more only to be left sorely disappointed. She was flawless in a model-esque way. Her skin looked damn-near airbrushed, her bleach blonde hair flowed in surfer waves down her back and her dresses always clung to her body in the most perfect of ways. Not to mention the personality that drew me in. She was so comfortable in herself that it seeped out onto anyone around her.

And suddenly you felt this confidence you never knew you had. 

“Hey,” I smiled as she reached us, hating how weak my voice sounded around her. It’d been months since we’d...ended things. “Not working tonight?”

Reid was a bartender at a high-end bar in the city and she never had any free weekends which suited me just fine at the time because I had her most weeknights, our schedules lined up really well.

“They can do without me for one weekend,” She waved off my concern before noticing Julissa beside me. “Hi, I’ve never met you before?”

“She’s a new friend,” I noticed the skeptical look I got from Reid. “Julissa, this is an old friend, Reid.”

“New friend? Careful, Mila may kill her.” Reid and Mila had gotten along instantly, their personalities ever-so similar to one another. It was like putting a match to a candle, it was instant and it had affirmed my belief that I’d chosen well in Reid. 

“Mila actually likes her more than she likes me,” I scoffed, watching Julissa squirm under the blonde’s gaze. “Can’t even blame her.”

“Yeah, she’s probably not as stiff as you are.” It was a joke, but with how things had ended so abruptly with us, it cut a little harder than it should have. “We should catch up for dinner some time.” She led the conversation away from awkwardness before it could really be formed. “Are you free on Wednesday?”

“Oh,” I felt small under Reid’s gaze, the determination and certainty in her voice was a ploy. I knew this. It was how she drew people in. This rock; firm and steady in the face of any adversity. It was a facade, purely around to draw people in only for them to be left disappointed.

“We’ve got dinner planned for Wednesday.” Julissa surprised me by chiming in only to take it one step further and latching our hands together, giving mine a gentle squeeze and drawing all of my attention to her.

“We do?” My dumbstruck mind couldn’t grasp what was happening.

“I was going to ask you later,” She shrugged. “Return the favour for taking me out tonight.” 

“You don’t have to-”

“I want to,” She smiled, leaning a little closer to me before looking to Reid. And in that moment, I had completely forgotten about the girl that had hurt my heart.

“You guys are…” The blonde looked to our joined hands before eyeing me again.

“Something,” I lied. “But hey, Mila’s around, I’m sure she’d be really happy to see you.”

And as quickly as she appeared, Reid made her leave, her back disappearing into the crowd and only then did I turn to Julissa, feeling her hand sliding out of my own.

“I’m sorry,” She chuckled softly. “You looked like going out with her may just be the worst thing that could happen to you.”

“Good save,” I felt my heart deflate but made sure to mask it.

“She’s an ex?”

“She’s an...almost?” I rolled my eyes, leading us over to the bar. “She doesn’t know what she wants and I didn’t either so I guess that was a confusion she wasn’t willing to work out with me.”

“Her loss.” Julissa shrugged as I ordered us some drinks. “She’s...I mean, she could be a model.” I could hear what her words meant to her.

I could hear how she compared herself with Reid. Her insecurities were loud and clear and I hated how they drove her mind to make her heart feel small.

“So could you.” I handed her the drink.

“Yeah, I’m sure I could have companies lining up to sign this,” She pointed to the scar, rolling her eyes.

“That,” I gestured to her in her entirety. “Needs to stop. That scar does not make you look anything less than beautiful. I wish I could jump in your brain and make you see just how pretty you are.”

“That’d be nice.” She giggled softly, taking a sip of her drink. She looked around for a moment. “You don’t wanna go introduce yourself to some girls?”

“No, I’m good.” I shrugged, not letting her words cut me too deep.

She’d been so dismissive as she spoke. But of course she wouldn’t be bothered by me speaking to other girls, she didn’t owe me any jealousy. Hell, I didn’t even know if she liked girls or not, maybe she didn’t know either and it was completely up to her on how she’d go about approaching her sexuality. 

“I like it here,” She spoke, her eyes wandering around the club once again, a soft smile gracing her face. “It feels nice, it feels...free.”

“Yeah, the last thing I wanted was to take you to some grimy club where the guys would be eyeing you like a piece of meat.” I rolled my eyes. “Though, I may have to go have some words with a few of the girls in here cause they’re not acting any better.”

“Girls are staring?”

“I mean, yeah,” I looked around and noticed a few, trying with all my might not to cast a glare their way. “Can’t really blame them.”

“Shut up,” She nudged me before ducking her head down again. “They’re probably looking at you, you should go talk to them.”

“I promise, I’m okay, I’m happy here.”

“I’m not that interesting.”

“I beg to differ.”

“You know,” She raised a brow challengingly. “You can be very charming sometimes.”

“Charming?”

“Yeah, I don’t think you mean to be, but you can be.” She shrugged, sipping from her drink again. “It’s nice, I mean, sometimes I actually believe what you say.”

“You should.” I turned my full attention to her. “I mean whatever I say to you.”

“You’re my friend, you’re supposed to make me feel good about myself.”

“So because we’re friends, suddenly if I say you’re beautiful, it’s not valid?”

“You’re meant to exaggerate things to make me happy, that’s how friendship works, isn’t it?”

“Not with me, Lissa,” I shook my head. “I’ll always try to be as truthful with you as possible. So when I say you’re pretty or you’re funny or you’re the kindest person I’ve met in a long time, trust me when I say...I mean that.”

“Well then I’m sure you’re the only person who sees me that way.” She waved off every compliment I offered her, hiding her smile like she usually did.

“I promise I’m not.” I scoffed, wishing I was. “Look over there.” I subtly gestured over to a girl leaning against the wall beside the toilets with a group of other girls around her, but her eyes would flick over to us every now and then, or more specifically, to Julissa. “She’s been trying to decide if she should come over here and talk to you for the last ten minutes.”

I watched Julissa’s eyes follow my own and I noticed how their eyes met, a smile stretching onto the other girl’s lips and a small blush reddening my new friend’s cheeks that had my heart plummeting a little.

“And over there,” I nodded over to the end of the bar where a girl wasn’t even trying to hide her interest in the girl beside me. “Though her confidence tells me she only wants one thing and I’ll be damned if she gets it.”

And as I said the words, the girl that had been leaning on the wall began making her way over to us.  She weaved through the crowd and I watched her do so with dread spreading through me at an alarming rate because she looked kind, her eyes held no malice.

“Hi,” She greeted, mostly towards Julissa but she offered me a gentle smile too, her red lips a perfect cupid’s bow and contrasting perfectly with her porcelain white skin. She was beautiful and I was definitely comparing myself to her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything but...I mean, I’d kick myself if I didn’t come over here and introduce myself.”

I watched as she offered her hand to Julissa and introduced herself as Hannah. Julissa kindly exchanged the greeting, giving the girl her name and introducing me too. 

“Are you two, like…?” Hannah looked between us with a question swimming in her eyes.

“What?” Because of course Julissa wouldn’t pick up on what Hannah was suggesting.

“No, we’re not,” I opened the door for the new girl to make her play for the girl that I was beginning to develop feelings for. “Just friends.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I asked for your number then?” Hannah was bold as she asked Julissa and a part of me could feel how big of a deal that was for her, she didn’t seem like the kind of girl that would usually be this...spontaneous.

“Oh,” Julissa looked to me with widened eyes and questions in them before turning her attention back to Hannah. “Um...I’m sorry, I’m really not...I just-I-”

“She’s just dipping her feet into being social again,” I spoke up for my friend quickly, noticing her discomfort.

I watched as Hannah took in Julissa’s ducked head before looking back to me, a defeated smile playing on her lips before she nodded and made her retreat. I really hoped the rejection wouldn’t deter her in the future but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t offer my heart a bucket of relief.

“Was that...rude?” Julissa looked up at me with guilt shining in her eyes.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “I’m sure she appreciates your transparency.” But even my words didn’t seem to console her. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Please?”

I nodded, my eyes scanning the club until I caught Mila’s with a girl clinging to her. I gestured that we’d be leaving but she shook her head and nodded over to Chelsea, letting me know she’d be staying with her friend that night. I rolled my eyes but waved my phone over to her, telling her to check hers. I sent her a message telling her to be safe and to message me if she needed anything. 

My best friend gave me a thousand watt smile and I began leading Julissa out of the club. 

It was colder than it had been when we arrived outside and I knew the change of temperature caught my new friend off guard, a shiver travelling through her. 

She was unusually quiet and I knew she was still focused on the interaction with Hannah. I was quick to order us a ride to her place and then tucked my phone into my pocket again.

“I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t-” I knew where she was going with her apology and I waved her off quickly.

“I had a great time tonight,” I assured her. “I don’t party a lot so us leaving early really doesn’t bother me.”

“Then why did you suggest going out?”

“I knew you’d like it.” I shrugged, watching her search my eyes for any lies. “And I wanted to show you that you didn’t just have to take my word for it when I say that people find you beautiful.”

“Winter, you like girls, right?” She spoke softly, her voice nervous and hesitant.

“I do.”

“Um,” She fiddled with her dress for a moment. “You do a lot of things for me. You say a lot of nice things to me and you...you’ve been so good to me and you don’t ask for anything in return-”

“You’re my friend.”

“Do you like me?” Her head was ducked down as she asked me the question and I hated it because I wanted to see her eyes.

I wanted to see what her reaction was to her own question. I wanted to have some idea of what her reaction would be to my answer.

“Julissa,” I decided to tilt her head up so our eyes could meet. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. You need a friend, I’m more than happy to be your friend. Just your friend.”

“But do you?” She took the hand that I used to lift her head into her own hand. “Because since we met, you’ve made me excited to...be around you. I don’t know what that means, but when I saw how Reid was looking at you tonight, I didn’t like it. And I don’t think it takes a genius to know that the two may go hand-in-hand.”

I felt the warmth of her hand around my own and I searched her eyes for any signs of confusion but I saw none. I saw no hesitance as she spoke and I saw no...fear. 

“I’m gonna kiss you now, okay?” I let my head dip down and our foreheads touched lightly.

“I don’t remember how, I-”

“You don’t have to,” I assured her, closing my eyes as I felt her breath on my lips. “Just...feel.”

And then my lips were on hers, a feather-light touch that ignited everything in me. 

It was just a moment, just a brush of our lips and I pulled away, feeling her hand touch the side of my face as I opened my eyes and waited for her to do the same.

“So you do?” She blinked rapidly for a moment, amazed.

“I’d be an i***t not to, don’t you think?”