Stay To Remember

Ikaapat na Kabanata

Sire Jensen Austere's View

As I looked at her terrified look, her big eyes filled with nothing but fear and uncertainty, I knew. I just knew I was right.

"You've been hurt before, haven't you?"

Lumarawan ang gulat sa magandang mukha niya at naging malikot na ang chinita niyang mga mata. She's looking at anything, but me. It's that 'I'm caught, but I'll pretend I'm not affected' moment. "What?"

"Someone hurt you. And they are the reason you became like this."

Like I said, she's like an open book. Like any other patient I came across with, but different. Habang tinitignan ko siya ay parang nakikita ko na rin ang memoryang umuulit sa isipan niya. I can almost see her memories spinning around.

And it pains me to know that some motherf*cker hurt her.

She glared at me with so much hatred and I knew that I just f****d everything up. Back to zero. Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-10% ay back to zero na naman.

Good job, Sire.

"I really hate your guts. Itong sinasabi ko sa'yo, Sire Austere. Hinding-hindi mo ako makukuha. Hindi ako mahuhulog sa patibong mo." mariin niyang sabi pero hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang panginginig ng boses niya.

I was about to answer when we heard a collective shouts.

Dahil inakalang may kaguluhang nangyayari ay agad ko siyang hinitak palapit sa akin. Maririnig sa buong lugar ang kaguluhan at ang pagsigaw ng tulong.

"Stay here." utos ko kay Desaree at maingat na naglakad papalapit sa pinanggagalingan ng sigaw. Tumambad sa akin ang isang matandang lalaki na nakahiga sa lapag at may ilang hindi magkamayaw kung ano ang gagawin na nakapaligid sa kaniya.

"May Doctor ba sa inyo?!" sigaw ng isang babae na may hawak sa ulo ng matanda.

"Anong nangyari?" rinig ko mula sa likuran ko at dahil wala namang panganib ay hinayaan kong makalapit si Desaree sa matanda. She checked his pulse and took out a pen from her back pocket to look at the old man's eyes.

"Hindi ko ho alam. Regular siyang customer dito kaya kilala ko siya, pero ngayon lang ito nangyari sa kaniya. N-Nagbabasa lang siya kanina nang bigla siyang tumumba." naiiyak na kwento ng saksi.

"Tumawag na ba kayo ng ambulasya?" kalmadong tanong ni Desaree habang sinisipat pa rin ang walang malay na pasyente.

"Katatawag ko lang. They're on the way." sagot ng isa pang saksi mula sa gilid ko. I took a quick look around the scene and I made eye contact with Desmon.

Lumapit ako kay Desaree, but not enough to invade their space. "What's the situation? Baka pwedeng tayo na lang ang magtakbo sa ospital?"

I saw her shook her head and she turned around to look at me. "No. It's too risky. Kailangan niya ng oxygen kaagad because I believe he's having a mild heart attack. He might die on the way if we carry him." Tumayo siya at humarap sa mga tao. "Please layo po muna tayo. Kailangan niya ng space at masiyado natin siyang sino-suffocate."

Tumalima naman ang mga tao sa paligid at ilang sandali pa ay narinig na ang tunog ng ambulasya. I saw Desmon stood beside me as we watch the paramedics and Desaree discuss the situation. But my eyes are solely focused on Desaree. I can't take my eyes off of her. She looks like a guardian angel trying to save a human.

Nang sumama siya sa loob ng ambulasya ay naglakad na ako palabas para sumakay sa kotseko habang si Desmon ay nakasunod sa akin.

No question asked. No orders needed. He already knows what to do.

"How was the first day of courtship?"

"Disaster." I answered flatly.

He chuckled. "I knew it. Let me guess, you f*cked it up?"

"Just drive, you idiot." iritable kong utos sa kaniya.

Tumawa siya nang malakas. "Hindi ka pa nga nakaka-score ay wala agad? What, gonna give up now?" tanojg niya na may halong pang-aasar.

"Never."

"She must be really something then." tumatango niyang turan.

"I thought we already discussed this?"

"Yes. But now that I'm witnessing it… para lang akong namamalikmata." sagot niya sabay kibit-balikat. "Now, what's next?"

I moved my right shoulder in answer. "Bahala na. Basta't hindi ako susuko. She will end up in my arms or bed soon."

"What if she's different? Paano kung hindi mo siya mabago at mag-iba pa siya?"

"I know what I'm doing. If it's getting too much, then I will stop. But I'm serious. Seryoso akong hindi lang isang gabi ang gusto ko sa kaniya, Desmon."

"ARE YOU SURE you can go inside?"

"Why not? It's been ten years."

"Ten years at ten years na rin mula nang tumuntong ka sa ospital. Remember? Kaya nga sa opisina o sa bahay niyo ka laging nagpapa-check up because you hate this place." pagpapaalala niya na para bang makakalimutan ko ang bagay na iyon.

I gulped and licked my lips. "I have to. She needs me."

"Pwede naman natin siyang hintayin dito."

Mariin akong umiling kasabay ng pagtatagis ng mga bagang ko. "No! It's been ten years. Maybe it's time for me to suck it up and be a man."

Ilang sandali siyang tumitig sa akin bago siya napabuntont-hininga. "Ikaw ang bahala. Park ko lang 'tong kotse at susunod ako sa loob." pagsuko niyang sabi sabay tingin sa labas.

Hindi ko naman siya masisisi sa pag-aalala niya dahil nasaksihan niya ang bawat pagtatangka at bawat resulta rin nito. Nasaksihan niya kung paano ako maduwag na pumasok sa hospital at maglakad palayo.

I got out of the car and stood in front of a place I hate and promised not to come back to ever again. I closed my eyes as scenes ten years ago came running through my head. Images of a dead body and eighteen year old me crying, but it was replaced by my Rose. Her innocent face and her sweet smile invaded my thoughts, making a smile tug on my lips.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Let's go."

Pagpasok sa hospital ay nagpunta ako sa nurse station at nagtanong. Agad naman nilang sinabi na nasa Emergency Room pa ang pasyente kaya siguradong naroon si Desaree.

Emergency room. Just hearing that place is causing my stomach to turn, but I suck it up. My Gucci shoes are clanking as I walk towards the E.R, causing some heads to turn around and stare at me, but I ignore them. My focus is now on a woman with her head hung low and an older male doctor is in front of her.

"You're not part of this Hospital anymore, Doctor Alinea. You resigned, remember? Ano'ng gagawin mo kung may mangyari sa pasyente? Ikaw ba ang mananagot? No!" the old doctor said angrily and that made me angry in a matter of seconds.

"Don't you dare shout at her, you motherf---" bago ko pa mahawakan ang kwelyo ng doctor ay pinigilan na ako ni Desaree sa pamamagitan ng paghawak sa braso ko. Siguro kung ibang sandali lang ito ay sinamantala ko na ang pagkakataon na siya mismo ang humawak sa akin, pero unti-unting nilalamon ng galit ang utak ko.

"Stop! Wala kang alam sa pangyayari so please, Mr. Austere." pakiusap niya at ang mga mata niya ay namumula na. At imbes na kumalma ay lalo lang nadagdagan ang inis ko.

"Hell no. Sino ba siya para pagalitan ka? You're a Doctor so of course it's in your nature to help people! Who cares if you're a resigned Doctor in this damn hospital? You've done what you can and that's what's important!" hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong mapasigaw, ngunit hindi naman ito dahil kay Desaree.

"Sir, please don't shout. Marami pong pasyente dito." saway sa akin ng nurse na nakigulo na.

"And who is this man? Puro na lang ba gulo ang dadalhin mo dito sa ospital na ito, Doc Alinea? You chose to be the 'good doctor', kaya doon ka na lang sa bundok na pupuntahan mo tutal ay bagay ka naman doon." nanunuyang sabi ng napapanot na doctor at tumalikod na.

That made the last thread of my patience to snap.

"What the f**k did you say? Say that again, Fils de pute! Come back here! Putain!" (Son of a b****) (F***!) My rage skyrocketed to the higher range and I know, I have reached the dangerous part where nobody can control me now.

"Oh, sh*t." I heard someone cursed and before I can pounce on the Doctor, Desmon's already in front of me. "Sire you cannot lose your control here. Calm down."

The stress of coming here again after so many years and the anger I'm feeling because of the stupid Doctor are becoming too much for me to handle. Hindi ko marinig nang maayos ang mga sinasabi ng tao sa paligid ko. There's a ringing inside my head and all I wanted to do was to beat the sh** out of that Doctor.

Pero may isang boses ang nangingibabaw.

When I came to, I could feel a sting on my left cheek and I heard gasps around me. My breathing slowed down and I can hear yhe sound around me once again.

"Can you hear me now? I want you to calm down and don't go Hulk right now because you're scaring everyone. If you're calm enough, I'll be waiting outside." turan ni Desaree hindi na niya ako hinintay na makapagsalita at naglakad na palabas.

I stared after her in awe. I think I just fell in love with her.

"Woah." I heard Desmon said behind me at nang tignan ko siya ay nakatingin din siya sa palayong dalaga na parang isa siyang alien. "That never happened before." mangha niyang dagdag.

Mayroon akong anger issue na alam ko naman na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko ma-control. Kaya naman kahit na may lisensya rin ako at isang psychologist ay nagpapagamot pa rin ako sa iba para makontrol ang sarili ko. Matagal na mula noong huli akong makaramdam ng labis na galit katulad kanina. At kagaya ng sabi ni Desmon, kadalasan ay kailangan akong turukan ng pampakalma o hindi kaya naman ay hawakan ng ilang tao. Hindi ako itong tipo ng taong nananakit kapag galit, pero asahan mong hindi mawawala ang galit ko kaagad.

"Sinasabi mo?" ngayo'y kalmado ko nang tanong at inayos ang kasuotan at sinamaan ng tingin ang mga nakatingin sa akin. At sapat na iyon para lumayo sila at umiwas ng tingin.

"May sumampal sa'yo. Nah, that... that! Kadalasan ay kinakailangan kang turukan ng pampakalma o hindi kaya naman ay kailangan pa ng sampung tao para pakalmahin ka, but woah…" He looked at me as if he just witnessed a mriacle and said, "She's indeed different if she can calm you down in a matter of minutes. Dang, not even your Mother can calm you down that fast. Sampal lang pala kailangan mo." ngayo'y natatawa na niyang dagdag.

Imbes na batukan siya ay napatango na lang ako. "I know. She's that amazing." I bit my lip and smiled while looking down at my shoes.

"You just got slapped and you're happy? I should smack you too. Yuck. Ang sagwa mong tignang kiligin. Tara na bago pa umalis ang Rose mo." He said mocking my voice at nauna nang maglakad.

It just dawned on me that I'm still inside the hospital, but instead of fear and grief, I feel happy and content.

I sighed and tucked my hands inside my pocket and walked.

Inabutan kong magkatabi ang dalawa sa labas. I narrowed my eyes at Desmon, but he just grinned innocently at me at nauna nang maglakad papasok sa kotse. Naglakad na ako papalapit kay Desaree at narinig na napabuntong-hininga siya.

"I'm sorry for slapping you."

"Nah. I deserved it for acting like that. Sorry din. Hindi ko lang napigilan ang sarili ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya sa'yo. You are a goddamn doctor. May lisensya ka. Nag-aral ka ng ilang taon para matawag na ganiyan tapos ay kagagalitan at ipapahiya ka niya sa harap ng ibang tao? You don't deserve that, doc."

She looked away and I look at her as she tucked a loose hair strand behind her ear. "It's my job. Kasama sa trabaho namin ang kagalitan ng mga nakatataas. Inaamin ko rin namang may mali ako."

"The hell it's not. You've done what you think is right. Walang masamang tumulong sa kapwa kesyo hindi ka na under nila o ano. That's plain…" I trailed off as she gave me a glare. "Bulldog."

"This is my line of work, Austere. Stay on your line." she warned me.

I licked my teeth in annoyance. "Hindi na 'yan trabaho and you know it. Naging personal na siya."

"And it's okay. Sanay ako sa ganoon. Gagawin ko ulit iyon kung kailangan at wala akong paki kung kailangan nila akong kagalitan."

Napamasahe ako sa noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya at napapalatak. "You're too holy. They don't deserve someone like you."

Naglakad ako palayo sa kaniya bago muling bumalik at tinitigan siya sa mga mata. "You have to realize that in this society we live in, people will judge your status by how you dress. They will judge your attitude just by one picture without knowing the truth. They will judge you no matter what you do. They don't care about the kind things you did for them because in just one mistake... snap! Makakalimutan nila lahat ng ginawa mo para sa kanila at isa ka na lang sa mga taong dumaan sa buhay nila."

I sighed at her still form. "Ma cherie, I understand that you are passionate about your job, pero kung naaabuso ka na, lumaban ka dahil paulit-ulit ka lang nilang tatapakan."

She said nothing and just stared into nothing. "Desmon will take you home."

She surprised me by nodding. "Okay. Thank you for standing up for me." For the first time since I saw her, she gave me a genuine smile that made my heart pound.

Hindi ko na namalayan na umalis na pala siya sa harap ko at sumakay na siya sa kotse. I was too busy replaying her smile inside my head and couldn't resist, but smiled at myself. Gagawin ko ang lahat para makita pang muli ang ngiting iyon.

I probably look like an idiot smiling to myself in the middle of a parking lot, but who cares? I don't.

Oh God, Desaree. My Rose, ma cherie, my donut. What are you doing to me?