IF ONLY I KNEW

CHAPTER 1 : THE NEW ARRIVAL IVY'S POV Ivy Wake up !!!! Wake up !!!!! you are going to miss the train, what time is it?I asked it's 8:30 Flora exclaimed, Oh my God!! I am going to miss the train I said , I bolted to the bathroom , rushed out to my wardrobe and picked out my favorite purple two piece outfit with my long sheer knee high socks and I grab my cross bag and take a brush as I aggressively pass it through my soft brunette hair , I rush out of my room and take a nibble out of the breakfast made by my grandma , you look just like your mother Flora said , thanks grandma, my grandma is the sweetest after my parents died she took me in at the age of 14 and I don't know whether it was the fact that I was wearing my mum's two piece or the fact that attending St BERGUINDE ACADEMY as always been a dream of my mum for me but that felt really nice to hear , I rushed to the train station and luckily got into the last train ,I was leaving for college I was finally going attend my dream school and find my place in ST BERGUINDE ACADEMY, as the train moves I am slowly consumed with my thoughts , the train ride was two hours and I was just filled with different thoughts, after having a horrible high school experience and the constant reminders that i am not enough, i finally made it through, I really wish my parents were here to see how fast I am growing, I really wish my parents were here at all . I really wish their whole life didn't just end in that car accident, I just hope they can see me now and feel proud of their daughter. I promise myself NO distractions. …. I got to the school , The university felt less like a school and more like the grounds of an exclusive estate—a place where prestige, wealth, and ambition existed in perfect harmony.I got to school and got checked in to my dorm really quick, The dorm room was nothing like the cramped spaces I had imagined. It was spacious enough to feel like a studio apartment, with floor-to-ceiling windows that flooded the room with golden sunlight. Two queen-sized beds sat on opposite sides, each dressed in crisp white linens and plush pillows. Sleek oak desks overlooked the windows, while built-in bookshelves and walk-in closets provided more storage than most apartments. Soft cream walls were accented by warm wooden flooring, and recessed lighting cast a cozy glow across the room. A private bathroom with marble countertops and a rainfall shower adjoined the suite, while a small lounge area featured a velvet loveseat, a coffee table, and a mini refrigerator tucked beneath a polished countertop. Every detail, from the elegant furnishings to the quiet hum of the central air conditioning, reflected the privilege of attending one of the country's most prestigious private universities. I met my roommate Rachel , a rich gorgeous blonde ,who can't help her rude attitude, i hope to get along with her ,but then again who am I kidding people like them don't get along with people like me , tomorrow I will go to the college counselors office to complete my registration, I can't believe this is all happening, remembering how hard it was at my high school just makes me want to finally find a friend but unluckily for me I am in double room with my rude roommate Rachel ,but I think I have had enough for the day , I may be a scholarship student but the last thing I need are eye bags in a school full of concealers … RYDER'S POV “Phone ringing “ hello who is this, it's the college counselor and your attention is required in my office as of immediate effect ,” call ends “ , oh s**t I said looking around the room blurrily , hey handsome , hi Gloria ,atleast that's what I think her name is , I look over and realize there are two gorgeous half naked girls on my bed , I smile with content then I blurted out that they have to leave , looking around this is definitely not my apartment, it's some random luxurious hotel I checked into last night to satisfy my endless desires , I wish I didn't have to go but I'm guessing the stunt I pled on my lecturer last week is the reason why I am being summoned I should probably go so I can pay her off . I can't believe I have to end my fun for some silly joke I made . …. I arrive at school in front of my counselors office in my red BMW m3g80 , I bolted in recklessly, ignoring the obvious secretary, as I stumbled into the waiting room I saw her , she has beautiful truffle brown brunette hair , and her beautiful olive green eyes , she is just the kind of girl I want in my bed tonight , I walked up to her knowing my reputation proceeds me, I said hello and her first words being sorry who are u ,had me in shock because I could have sworn I thought everyone in the school knew me but I guess I was wrong, I am Ryder ,Ryder Vance, I can see u sitting here alone u must be new , why don't we grab coffee and I can show you around the school i said confidently , no thank you I prefer not to associate myself with trouble she said as she walked into the counselors office, wow as sexy as that would have sounded her body movement and facial expression means that I had just been rejected which is impossible, I will like to see how long she will last because as of now she is officially on my list ….. IVY'S POV As I walked into the counselors office I try to reckon with what just happened I either just pushed away the only person that has spoken to me since i got here or I just avoided trouble and seeing him with his beautiful golden blonde hair and rough appearance with his loose dangling tie across his half open shirt that looked like his failed attempt to be corporate and his obviously drunk look I will say it is probably the latter , the more important question is why does his last name “Vance” sound so familiar either ways I promised myself no distractions and he is a full grown sexy walking distraction , and yes I find him sexy ,I am focused not blind but he is rude and entitled and I don't want to associate myself with people like that . CHAPTER TWO : TRYING TO FIT IN Ivy's POV …. “ on call “ Hey grandma, yes everything is fine I am fitting in just fine , yes ma I will let u know how it goes . I seriously need to get a job because how can I tell my grandma that I am desperately in need of the trending ballet flats when she can't even afford to give the needy anymore, I'm slowly starting to think we are the needy , I need to get a job , I cant keep up with my allowance anymore i need more i need a job , it's a good thing my first class is today , I guess I could ask my lecturer for help after the class , … (After the class ) That was quite horrible, I mean the classroom felt comfortably lived in.Students chatted in small groups, some reviewing notes while others scrolled absentmindedly through their phones, waiting for the lecture to begin , who knew it was more important to know the law of attraction than to know the second law of thermodynamics I guess brains without ballet flats is not appreciated , i would have hoped that after that long fiasco i would atleast get a job but my lecturer claims they give jobs to students, i think we all know i didn't get the job because i don't have botox, as I stumbled across campus I see a coffee shop at the outskirt of the blocks tucked between a quiet bookstore and a flower shop, far enough from the lecture halls to feel like a small escape. Warm amber lights glowed through the wide windows, spilling onto the sidewalk and inviting students inside. The rich aroma of freshly ground coffee mingled with the sweet scent of vanilla pastries and cinnamon roll was perfect . It says help is needed so I guess I have to try at least . (Later that day ) Hey beautiful said a rude arrogant voice that I seem to recognize , it was the flirt from the other day , Ryder how could I forget . What would you like to order? I mumbled breaking the awkward silence, a cup of coffee , two sugar with cream ,with scones or biscuits he said … The disbelief realizing he didn't recognize me was embarrassing because I didn't forget him , after I served him I hurried back to the back of the counter and pretend to work , looking at him and seeing him smirk was even more embarrassing, as he finished he walked up to me and said “ I didn't quite catch ur name , miss no thank you I prefer to not associate myself with trouble” , my name is Ivy, well I'm guessing you know my name since I am sure you have been dreaming about me he said naughtily , I will see you around darling he said with a smile , as he walked away I don't know whether it was the fact that he remembered everything I said word for word or it was the intoxicating smell of his Dior sauvage perfume but he is so sexy . I ended my shift and left for my dorm and I can't stop thinking about him. It's a shame considering I can't be distracted , I just have to hope to not see him again . Ryder's Pov Hey man ,(shakes his hand ) , hey James thanks for the hint on her new job at the coffee shop I found her there , so u are really going this far just to sleep with her ,or don't tell me you decided to get caught up in the show James said , no ofcourse not I always get what I want and right now she Is on that list , I need to know how her shift works though , I walk away entering into my dorm , as I take off my shirt I start to think , I suddenly can't get her out of my mind , is james right ,he is my best friend but he is just as entitled as me but with a more approachable character , which means if he thinks I'm doing this for more then maybe i am I mean how else do I explain that she is what I want and there is no list because I have cleared it all for her , no one feels the intensity that goes through my body anytime I see her , or the adrenaline rush I feel when she is laughing, how do I explain that the reason why I have been stalking her every morning is not just because I want to sleep with her but that I have genuinely started to care for her but then again I'm sure all I need is a night out and enough s*x to make me forget . CHAPTER 3 : LET LOOSE RYDER'S POV “A night earlier “ Ryder let's leave here and go to the hotel said some girl , no I don't want to leave with anyone, everyone just leave me alone , the girl grabs me and pulls me back to the vip section, she takes off her dress and starts to caress me , she slowly takes off my shirt and then my trouser , she sits on me as she slowly inserts me into her , my thoughts were a blur of alcohol and guilt , her moaning became distant , i was filled with pleasure but i could hear something else , a silly carefree laugh , I try to force the memory away but It didn't work Ivy I blurted out , filled with disbelief and disgust the girl left “ NOW“ I stumble as I say driver take me back to school , as he passes across the coffee shop , I ask him to stop , I go in and sit out front , it's 5am and it's freezing, I feel guilt , i cant believe what just happened, from the influence of the alcohol, I fall asleep , I woke up by 8am and got up went to the dorm , had my shower , had a few more drinks and came back to the coffee shop by 9 , I went to sit in my same spot , waiting for her , confused on how I feel . IVY'S POV I need to hurry, I am so late , it's 9: 30 already and I'm not there yet, it's barely been a month and I already have an habit of always going late , I finally got to the shop , I go through the back door , I get everything ready , coming out front to see my first customer or should I say my only customer it was Ryder, he looked so lost or should I say drunk , struggling to stay awake , as the beam of sunlight shines at him from the glass window I look at him with what didn't look like detest but rather admiration I notice his beautiful golden hair as he struggles to keep his eyes open I see his beautiful brown eyes, perfect jawline, it was a rare view , without the flirting or arrogance he is actually very enticing, I walked over to him with a cup of coffee ,two sugar with cream and scones it was the order he made a month ago , it's weird that I remember , as I drop it to leave he grabs my hand and says, sit with me coffee girl, then asks what's your name , with disbelief I stood up and was about to leave when he said Ivy darling is that you , please take me back to my dorm , I felt obligated to help or maybe it was because of this burning desire in me to be around him even if it's just for a minute, I took him back to my dorm ,to save myself the embarrassment of going to drop him with James, i take him into my dorm and then to the shower , I help him rinse off his face then he takes off his shirt , I couldn't help but stare , he looked so good , as the water from the shower started to drip on him I decided to leave him and go make breakfast, I couldn't stop thinking of him and how he just made me feel , I almost had an orgasm just by looking at him , he just made taking a shower sexy , thoughts of him taking off my shirt and f*****g me right there while making me beg him to go deeper and screaming his name , filled my mind, I made him eggs and toast,after eating , he thanked me and then left , his smell all over my room and on my bed , with the thoughts of being with him made me realize I was falling for him and that has taken over my dreams . CHAPTER FOUR : TASTE OF FREEDOM RYDER'S POV “In his room “ It's been a week since I last saw Ivy. My so-called feelings for her have been suppressed or tossed out by alcohol and sexy girls in lingerie. I hope not to see her again , even though a part of me knows that's a lie. I guess all I need is the right amount of distraction . “ walks up to James room “ Hey man whats up , I have this party tonight off campus, wanna come , James said Sure man why not . IVY'S POV I have been so busy with shuffling work , class , studying and trying to not think about Ryder, it's been a really hectic week, I need a relief. “ sees rachel dressing up “ Where are you going , I asked politely It's Friday evening not that it's any of your business but I am obviously heading out to a party, it's outside campus not that you will know what that means she replied rudely Well I wanna come , ( laughs) Sure but definitely not like that , she walks up to her massive closet and picks out a fitted black halter-neck mini dress. I put it on and it was so less like me and more like her but I guess if it's freedom I want it's freedom I'm getting. I headed to the party with Rachel in her Black G wagon AMG , it's surprising that I have never been off campus , the ride was quite strange , then we got to this mansion , we walked in and everything felt wrong like I wasn't suppose to be here but I am , rachel walked away to find her friends .I head in trying to navigate through the chaos , I decide to walk into a room upstairs after many attempts of blinding myself by the raw explicit experience of various open s*x and nudity , I walked into this dark room thinking I had finally found an empty healthy spot , I saw someone in , as I switched on the light to this huge room that looked like a master bedroom, lying down on the bed was Ryder The room was warm and surprisingly quiet , There he was. Ryder lay stretched across the bed as though he'd collapsed the moment he'd found it . He was obviously drunk , His blond hair was hopelessly tousled, as if he'd run his hands through it one too many times, and the top buttons of his black shirt had come undone, the fabric creased from a long night , despite the exhaustion etched across his face, his sharp features hadn't lost their edge. And just like always I was completely smitten by his sophisticating appearance. I sat next to him as he pulled me by my waist closer to him and said drowsily “ you are always saving me “ , I felt so trapped but in a good way like I wanted to be there , He looked effortlessly put together even in disrupt ,my eyes lingered a second longer than they should have. There was something undeniably attractive about him , not because he was trying to be, but because he wasn't. His relaxed posture, the messy blond hair falling across his forehead , I was attracted to him .. I acted before I could think. I leaned in closing the distance between us , I kissed him , it was a quick impulsive kiss . I pulled away realizing what I just did with my fingertips brushing my lips as if I was trying to erase what I had just done . His gaze searched for me for the briefest moment then he pulled me back into the kiss , this time, it was his choice. He drew me closer to him slowly enough that I could stop him if I wanted to,but I didn't want him to stop. He brushed his lips against mine as our lips met again , no longer driven by impulse but by the quiet admission of feelings we had both tried so hard to ignore. For a moment, the rest of the world faded into silence, leaving only the racing of our hearts and the truth neither of us could deny anymore,then he hugged me and slept off , as I lay down beside him consumed with the thought of what it means so many questions went through my mind , does this mean he also likes me or is it merely a result of his drunk state , consumed with my thoughts I also slowly slept off . “ The next morning “ RYDER'S POV I woke up , with a crazy headache, looking at my side. I see her , not some random stranger that I can't remember her name. It was Ivy beside me. She wore a fitted black halter-neck mini dress that hugged her body in all the right places. The high neckline drew attention to her shoulders, while the open back added a subtle touch of daring. The smooth, stretchy fabric cinched her waist before skimming over her hips, creating a perfectly snatched silhouette. She was gorgeous but raw like a baby waking up beside her mother she was beautiful, raw beauty the kind of beauty , I have never found In my years of reckless living , then I remembered the kiss and the feeling , a smile pulled across my face , but I am not going to say anything unless she does , I get up to go get coffee for her downstairs, I went back up to my room only to find that she was gone , she had left . IVY'S POV As I rushed out , trying to find my way out of the mansion , avoiding eye contact , holding Rachel's pair of Jimmy Choo that she lended me , i got outside and got a cab , i had no time to think all the way back , I was focused on the fact that I was missing work , it's Saturday morning meaning coffee shops are swamped, on reaching my dorm trying to take off my dress to shower and rush back , I started to think , the sight of him bringing up two cups of coffee upstairs to me had me blushing, and then I blurted it out , what was merely a thought wandering in my mind “ I am in love with him “ , but then I remembered how drunk he was and I realise that I am no where near his class or his type,the kind of sophisticated people that he is casually surrounded by are the class of people i got a scholarship to meet , Ryder vance is Demetria vance son , he has nothung to with someone like me , so why dont i just focus on what matters right now instead of daydreaming , if he weren't drunk there is no way he would have kissed me back which means there is no way he would feel the same about me , so I decided to pretend like nothing happened and to stay out of trouble and remember the promise I made to myself of staying away from distractions and he is obviously a distraction CHAPTER FIVE : I'M STUCK “A month later “ IVY'S POV Life lately has been quite different, I am getting used to the social life of st beguinde Academy, I finally got another job ,I work in the library as the study librarian ,I help in arranging books , giving recommendations and collecting books . I haven't heard from Ryder for a month now which means he has no idea it was me or that it even happened at all ,even though for me it wasn't that easy to get rid of my thoughts of him and I still have him wrapped around me all day , I try to suppress my feelings from distracting me from classes , my two jobs and exams . In a few weeks I will leave to go see my grandma, I have enough money saved up to get grandma a proper birthday gift this year ,my mum being her only child dead , grandma is quite lonely without me ,though she has this girl that comes over to take of the house but she can barely afford to pay her more than twice a week . “ The next day “ Ryder's Pov James walks in … Hey Ryder, it seems like you have lost your touch . What is that supposed to mean I said anxiously, I'm talking about Ivy, it's been almost three months or more now and she is not completely smitten by u or anywhere close to ur bed ,what's up with that , James asked , well she is barely ever at the coffee shop so I haven't seen her I replied anxiously it's probably because she works in the library now so if u think u still have game you should check it out ,James said while walking out . A part of me felt like James was right I should go get her but a larger part of me knew it was more than that , I went to the library, I saw her , I intentionally picked up a book aware of my actions I grav a book pretending to read it and then bump into her , as our eyes meet there is this long painful silence , I break the silence saying Ivy hey its you , I actually need your help for recommendation and from the badge on ur shirt I can see it's your job , she grabbed a book and handed it over to me , I sat close to her reading , asking the most basic and unnecessary questions, then I say it's been a while I have seen you around do want to grav coffee later , she contemplates at first but then she agrees ,we went out for coffee and started seeing more often , her company was one of the balance things in my unsettling life , but I had to focus , I invited her to a gala for my birthday, planned by my mum , I had planned to take her back to my hotel after and have s*x with her . Ivy's POV The party was by five o'clock. I was so excited to attend that I started getting ready by 3. I picked out this silver gown that was probably the most expensive thing in my wardrobe ,then Rachel walked up to me, handing me this floor-length crimson red gown that was customized just for her . I put it on and it was the definition of beauty. The halter neckline highlighted my shoulders while the fabric hugged my waist and hips before cascading smoothly to the floor. The open back added a touch of elegance without being too revealing, and every step made the silky material shimmer beneath the lights. Paired with silver heels and simple diamond earrings, the dress didn't just make me look beautiful—it made me impossible to ignore. I was beautiful, then she helped me with my make up and helped me blow out my hair giving my beautiful brunette hair the perfect layers , I have never felt more pretty than I feel right now , I was so happy mostly because Ryder and I have been hanging out for a while now and I finally feel like he is going to make a move tonight, I was done getting ready by 5 : 20 I took a cab and got to the event , using the rsvp card that Ryder gave me I entered making my way in The gala was everything I had expected—beautiful dresses, sharp tuxedos, crystal chandeliers, and enough champagne to fill a fountain. Laughter and music floated through the room as people mingled beneath the warm lights. I quickly started to look for Ryder, I realized he wasn't there so I went to look for him I roamed the halls slowly as I heard moaning and what seemed like indepth s*x , thoughts ran through my mind because s I wouldn't know what to say considering we aren't even in a relationship, I walked slowly but the moaning stopped all i could hear were laughs and recognizing the voice i gave a sigh of relief because it wasn't Ryder it was James, James Luther Ryder's best friend as i moved closer i could hear there conversation and i realized from what they were saying that Ryder was only talking to me to see how long i would give in and it wasn't a coincidence he was at the library because he stalked me ,hearing all of this made me realize that it was all a lie i was falling in love with him while he was just being nice to me to get what he wants i felt so embarrassed but mostly heart broken, as I ran out of the party , I saw Ryder he was so engrossed in everything going on he didn't even notice me , i couldn't find a cab on time so i walked a couple of blocks filled with pain and embarrasment , I had so many expectations of tonight but nothing could have prepared me for this , the most certain thing is that i am in love with him already ,i focus on getting out of theee first , i fnally saw a cab and took the cab back to the dorm immediately, crying I forcefully take everything off take a shower and go to bed .