9. You have all the control. [Part 1]
2303 Words
9. You have all the control.
Defne.
Seriously, I don’t understand how I let myself be talked into doing this.
When the waitress walks away with our drink order, I meet Levi’s eyes across the table. Slowly, I watch the corners of his lips curl upward into a chilling smile. He looks like the cat that ate the canary, only in a much more morbid version.
I roll my eyes.
“Go on…”
“You’re such a meddler,” I tell him.
“Defne, we need to strengthen our bonds,” Kacey chimes in from my side. “And what better way to do that than by sharing our sorrows?”
“I’ll start,” Levi says. “Last year, a girl kicked me in the balls at my birthday party, in front of my entire family and friends.”
Kacey bursts out laughing and turns to me, her face twisted with amusement.
“I was there. It was f*****g hilarious.”
“I get her,” I whisper. “The girl, I mean. You have a real talent for making people want to punch any part of your body, Levi.”
“So violent.”
“And why did she hit you?”
“I f****d her and didn’t remember her name.”
Well. That doesn’t surprise me.
“And how did she even end up at your birthday party?”
“My mom invited her,” he replies, and for the first time I see embarrassment on his face.
“I don’t get it.”
“Here,” Kass hops into the seat next to Levi and throws an arm around his shoulders. “Our man here still lives with his parents.”
If I’d been drinking something, I would’ve spat it out.
“What?”
“In my defense,” Levi lifts a finger, demanding our attention while we laugh nonstop, “my apartment is on top of my parents’ place, with its own entrance, so it’s not that literal.”
“Why do you still live with your parents?” I ask. “How old are you?”
He holds up three fingers, so I assume thirty.
“I live with my parents because I save money on food,” he says with a grin. “My mom is the best cook in the world, and I’m not giving that up. Thank you very much.”
“You’re a baby,” Kass teases, pinching his cheeks.
“Back to the point. My mom saw the girl leaving my apartment the day before, thought she was my girlfriend and not a casual f**k, so she invited her to the surprise party my whole family was planning. You can imagine the rest.”
I laugh, unable to believe that this big guy who struts around like a peacock still lives with his mom and has teenage-level girl problems.
“Your turn, Kass.”
“Oh no,” she whispers. “I pass.”
“Your turn, Kass,” Levi and I repeat at the same time.
The waitress comes back with our drinks, giving Kacey a little more time to escape her confession. I take a sip of my pineapple margarita while I enjoy watching Kass blush, clearly reluctant to speak. This feels like sweet revenge, considering they practically dragged me here. I take it as a small payment for trying to force me to talk about my love life.
“I had to quit the company I worked for because…”
“Because…?”
“Because I caught my boss f*****g my mom!” she blurts out, drawing the attention of nearby tables.
Levi explodes with laughter, Kacey slides down in her seat trying to hide, and I just stare at her, completely stunned.
“What?”
“He’s my stepfather now. It didn’t feel appropriate to keep working for him, so I quit… and here I am.”
Something heavy drops into my stomach, souring my drink.
I wonder what Kacey would think about my relationship with Matt. Well, we’re not explicitly in a relationship, but the intentions seem pretty damn clear. Still, for the first time, I feel ashamed of what others might think of me if everything spirals out of control.
Levi seems to read my mind and elbows Kacey, subtly pointing at me. She understands instantly, because her expression falls and she rushes to say,
“Oh no, Defne. Matheo and you…”
I close my eyes, realizing she already knows.
“Is it that obvious?”
Levi answers,
“When you’re around, he can’t take his eyes off you. And in the last month, he’s been to the design department more times than he did in the last two years. It’s obvious, Defne. There are already rumors about you two fucking.”
“Jesus Christ, Levi, have some tact,” Kacey snaps.
“No, it’s fine,” I calm them. “It’s just that… I don’t know what’s going on with me and him. I think I… like him.”
“We know, sweetheart.”
“And when he’s close, he’s the only thing that matters to me. I completely forget all the reasons why I shouldn’t…” I can’t finish; the knot in my stomach tightens.
“You know you’re the one who has everything to lose if something starts between you two, right?”
“Levi…”
“I’m sorry, Defne, but that’s the society we live in. He’ll still be the boss. You’ll be labeled an opportunist. And if things go wrong…” Levi shakes his head with a fatalistic expression, making his point clear.
“My career is on the line,” I admit.
But the f****d-up part is that things will go wrong. I know it. Because I’m here for a reason, and when he finds out, he’s going to hate me. Hate me like he’s probably never hated anyone before. So the leap I’m taking for him sends me straight into the void. And still, I take it, eyes wide open, knowing exactly what awaits me when everything falls apart.
I just can’t find the strength to walk away. I can’t.
And I don’t think he’d let me take a step back at this point anyway.
As if my thoughts summoned him, my phone vibrates with a message from him.
Matt: What are you doing?
I look up at the others, who seem to know exactly who I’m talking to just by looking at me.
I quickly type a reply.
Me: I’m out with Kacey and Levi.
His response is immediate.
Matt: Where?
I send him the name of the bar, and a few seconds later I get: I’m on my way.
I jump in my seat and immediately turn toward the entrance, thinking he’s already going to walk in. When I gave him the name of the place, I thought he was just asking out of curiosity, not because he was actually coming.
“He’s coming, isn’t he?” Levi guesses.
I nod, a shiver of anticipation running through my body.
“I’ve never seen Matheo Slade so consumed by anyone, Defne,” Kass says. “I always thought of him as someone almost detached from emotions, like a robot. And then you showed up, and now I see him feeling everything. It’s fascinating to watch.”
“You’re a romantic, Kass, but you’re not seeing the trouble Defne is getting herself into,” Levi says, looking at me. “When things go wrong, because they will, it’s the fate of all relationships, you’re the one who’ll be hurt the most. Him? He’ll stay on the throne of his empire, making millions of dollars a day. You? You’ll end up with your reputation in the gutter, a probably ruined career, and a broken heart.”
“Don’t be pessimistic, Levi.”
“I’m being realistic, Kacey. And you should be on my side. We should be protecting her, not encouraging her to walk straight into the lion’s den.”
I swallow and stir my drink, thinking about his words.
I could tell Matt the truth. I could pull him aside, ask him to talk in private, and explain the impossible position my father has put me in. I could tell him how he’s kept me under threat for years to get what he wants, how he uses the only card he has against me: my mother. She’s the only person I’d give my life for without hesitation, and he knows it.
I could do all of that, but what I don’t know is how Matt would react.
Would he believe me?
Would he be clearing the obstacles from our path so we could start without lies?
Or would I be digging my own grave if, in the end, he decides to hate me?
Because he’s upright, perfectionist, correct in everything he does. He doesn’t accept gray areas, only black or white. So I don’t know if I can afford to trust him. And even though he’s been flexible with me, I can’t gamble my mother’s life on a reaction I don’t know if he’ll have.
“There he is,” Kass says, pointing toward the door.
Over my shoulder, I watch Matheo walk in with Sebastian, and to my surprise, Scarlett is with them. From a distance, I see him scanning the room until his eyes find me, but I look away and focus back on my drink.
Goosebumps rise on the back of my neck, and I know he’s still looking at me, but I try to ignore it.
If there are already rumors at the company, the last thing I need is Sebastian, who besides being Matt’s partner is his best friend, and Scarlett seeing us interacting together in a bar.
“He’s looking this way,” Kass says, waving at him along with Levi, while I still can’t bring myself to look.
“He wants to come over, but Scarlett is pointing at a table on the other side of the room,” Levi adds.
“And… he’s still looking at you,” Kacey continues.
After a few long seconds, Levi says,
“He went to sit with Scarlett, sweetheart.”
Despite the stab of jealousy cutting through me, I sigh in relief. I have too many emotions bubbling under the surface, and I don’t feel ready to face him right now.
Guilt settles heavy in my chest, because in some way, I’m deceiving him. Even though I’ve been careful not to give my father any information that could put Matt at risk, I’m inside his company with ulterior motives. And today, that weight, combined with all of my father’s manipulation, is hitting me harder than ever.
“Tell us about your ex,” Levi suddenly says.
It’s funny how that episode of my life now feels like nothing compared to what I’m feeling.
And I accept the distraction, because I need to push all this damage out of my head.
“Xander, my ex, was gay. I was his cover so his parents wouldn’t find out,” I whisper. My voice sounds flat, almost emotionless, and I know Kass and Levi aren’t really interested in my confession; they’re just trying to distract me.
“How did you find out?”
“The guy he was cheating on me with told me. He showed me conversations, photos…” I take a sip of my drink, thinking about the past. “Looking back, I think it was painfully obvious. But I was too blind to see it.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes,” I admit. “I cared about him. I loved him. I wasn’t in love, but I could see myself heading in that direction.”
“Why do you say it was obvious, looking back?” Levi asks.
“Do I have to talk about our s*x life for you to understand what I mean?”
“Did you have s*x?”
“He wanted to wait until marriage, which at first I thought was sweet, but…” I slowly shake my head.
“That doesn’t usually happen.”
“I should’ve suspected it then.”
“I’m sorry, Defne,” Kacey says, taking my hand.
“I was so stupid. I was consumed by… a lot of things that were happening in my life at the time.”
“s****l attraction and intimacy are important in a relationship, and if there was none of that between you, why did you stay with him?”
“It’s not like we were saints,” I admit quietly. “We did… things. But there was never…”
“Penetration?”
I nod, remembering how many times, when we were together, he wouldn’t even look at me. Now I understand the effort that must have taken, and that he probably had to imagine I was someone else to be able to finish.
Unable to stop myself, I glance over my shoulder. Matt has his arm resting on the table while Scarlett and Sebastian are turned toward him, talking. He nods vaguely at what they’re saying, but despite the darkness of the place, I know his eyes are on me. I can feel his gaze burning into my skin the entire time.
“What?” I ask when, in the background, I hear Levi say my name.
“Are you a virgin, my dear Defne?”
“Levi!” Kacey scolds him.
“I’m not answering that, you f*****g weirdo,” I say, shaking my head.
Against my better judgment, I stand up and head to the bathroom, fully aware that Matt will take it as an invitation.
And he does.
After fixing my hair in front of the mirror, I step out and find him leaning against the wall, waiting for me.
- Writer
