Hazel's Perception: What I Know Now

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Prologue     “From this day on, I, Hazel Condoleece Princeton, promise to forever cherish the bond that was once lost and can hopefully be found again. To love, honor, and respect our friendship until death do us part. This promise will be etched into my heart always and forever.”      I meant what I said when those words left my mouth. Had I known then what I learned after the secrets revealed themselves, I still would have said those exact words. Maybe at an earlier time. Though, I didn’t expect things to turn out the way they did.      What I feel now, somehow, hasn't changed, and I hate myself for it. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. They harbored inside me for so long, and I feel as if I should stay away, but I don’t want to. I do not wish to break the promise made. I do not want to throw out the feelings that dwell deep inside of my heart.      Why am I still like this? Why is it so wrong, and why does it hurt so much? Only if I had known the truth in the beginning. I only distance myself from him because of these thoughts and urges. Every day is constant rejection, which sometimes overwhelms me. I never broke my promise. I mean, the one I made to myself back when I was just a little girl. Still, I must accept the truth of it all as it hadn’t fully processed in my brain. One day I will. Until then, I must stay away. What I Know Now     We met in preschool, you and I. I don't remember much from those times, but I do remember you, and the days beyond that. So many memories, yet I don’t know where to start. Before you were my brother, you were my best friend and protector. It wasn’t until the seventh grade that everything changed.      I knew you to be the only perfect being ever to exist. Before I even knew what love was, I knew I would love you. How could I know this to be true? I just felt it like the wind, when it crashes into the trees to the unstable fire that touches the candle’s wick. I felt that flame burn within me—such a mighty flame. So mighty that I couldn’t focus on anything else. You and I were inseparable. At least, until I became noticeable by the other girls and boys.  We grew up, but I didn’t think we would grow apart. You were always there to protect me, but you weren't there that day.     “Ahhh! Get it! Kill it! It's over there!”     “I got it. I got it!”     “It's right there! Kill it!”     “Damn it, Hazel, shut up!”     “Uh…excuse me!?”     You knew better than to tell me to shut up. I hated it. I hated it so much that I was no longer distracted by the bee coming for my life. I remember the goofy look on your face when you slowly turned around to face me. I know you saw the fire burning in my eyes, and I know you knew I was ready to slap the s**t out your ass. Luckily for you, that stupid bee flew right past my head, which scared me nearly to death.      Immediately, I jumped right into your arms from the bed. We both went crashing to the floor and somehow landed on top of that flying death bug. So disgusting to see it dangling from your shirt as you were stung before it perished. Better you than me, though.     That nasty insect wasn't the only thing we squashed. My highly expensive makeup, too, met its fate. It was funny seeing you so upset when you realized your shirt had gotten ruined.     “Damn it, Hazel. Again?”     “Call it payback for telling me to shut up, you dick.”     “Asshole.”     I made sure to keep some extra shirts tucked away for reasons like that one. I'd even buy an extra bottle of the cologne you always liked.     “Why is it that my clothes always get messed up every time I come over?” you asked.     “Because you're dumb and clumsy,” I responded jokingly.        Truthfully, I may or may not have been purposely “accidentally” ruining your clothes. The reason? Maybe I just liked watching you take your shirt off in front of me. Even now, I blush at the thought. That's the problem.     After you changed shirts, you plopped onto my bed while I finished putting on makeup. As you began reading one of my magazines, I couldn't help but notice you through the mirror.     “So handsome,” I thought to myself. I wondered if you could see me. I mean, really see me, and feel what I felt. If only I'd known then what I know now.     “You’re going to be at my party tomorrow, right?” I asked.     “Of course, I am. That’s a silly question.”     “I mean it, Anthony! Your ass better be there.”     “Come on. When have I ever missed my best friend’s birthday?”     “Uh, last year. Duh.”     “Aye, that’s not fair. You know I went to see my brother.”     “Whatever you say, Blu.”     I always loved getting on your nerves. What we had was indeed something special.      My mom took us to school that morning. Did you notice what I was wearing? It was the bracelet you gave me after missing my last birthday. I wore it every day. Why am I even asking? Of course, you noticed. You were the only one that did while everyone else was looking at my newly developing body. I never had so much attention, yet all I wanted was yours. At least, at first.      Eventually, I began to like the attention. It’s normal for a girl to want more female friends, and you understood that. There were times when you’d hang out with Frank, and I was stuck being alone. It never bothered me, but I couldn’t wait until it was just us again. Something about Frank never sat right with me. He kept making this weird face at me while licking his lips. I guess he thought it was sexy or something. It was disgusting and awkward.     I had other friends, but they weren’t you. Josephine, my former best friend, was like me, and not. She was famous around the school, pretty and wealthy. She walked up to me, unannounced, to introduce herself. I was a bit nervous, seeing as I was never in the eyes of anyone until then. Josephine had been cheerleading all her life. She complimented my legs and suggested I try out for cheerleading. Honestly, it was something I always wanted to do. I never tried because it meant less time with you, and I didn’t believe I was good enough.     I giggled when she offered. That’s when I looked up and noticed him. His smile gleamed and took my breath away. Stephen Gray. Football prodigy. What’s odd is, before then, I despised guys like him. He was a cocky fucker, and a bully to those he felt was less than him. The exact definition of a d**k. Who cared if he had the perfect smile or flawless brown skin? Who cared if he was well-known and athletic? I only wished I didn’t at the time, but sad to say I did. My heart longed for another, though, so none of that was enough. Not right then anyway.     Stephen made his way over to me and also introduced himself. I don’t know who he thought he was looking at me the way he did, but, again, if only I’d known then what I know now. They suggested I eat lunch with them that day. Normally, I’d eat with you, but something caused me to agree. It could be I felt a little pressure. It could be I felt something else for someone else. Perhaps it was just the attention that sucked me in. All I know is, as much as I wanted to sit with you, I wanted more.     I saw you and Frank sitting at the table. I know you were waiting for me as you always had. It felt wrong agreeing to sit with other people, so I chose not to. We caught each other’s eyes, and I couldn’t remove my gaze, nor could I stop my heart from beating faster. Just as I was making my way to you, Josephine practically ambushed me. She would not allow me to rescind my agreement to sit with her. How forceful she was.      Under pressure, I sat with those I didn’t know and left you with confusion and disappointment. Within the group were Josephine, Stephen, Tabitha, Greg, and Donnie, whom you know as “The Heads of Maywood.” I told myself I would make it up to you later on. Oh, how I wanted to sit next to you. I should have, but being invited to sit within a higher status group seemed like a rare occasion and more fitting for me. I hate that I once thought that. That was the day I began to lose you.     “So are you and that guy dating or whatever?” asked Josephine.     “Dating? No. We’re just friends. We’ve known each other since we were practically babies.” I responded.     “Oh. How cute.” Tabitha says sarcastically.     “Hey, leave her alone,” said Josephine, “She can’t help she’s crushing on a ‘lesser being.’”     I told them it wasn’t a crush as they all laughed and made jokes about you. Though it wasn’t funny, I didn’t try to stop them or defend you. Instead, I laughed with them. I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t lie when I said it wasn’t a crush. It was something else. I didn’t quite understand it at the time.     Stephen began speaking to me, and every time he did, I got lost in his pearly white smile. The tone of his voice even distracted me from the things said about you. I couldn’t help but get sucked in. Once I looked up to see you, you were gone. I knew you were mad at me.      You never liked them because of how they treat people. I thought I didn’t like them for the same reason when, really, I just didn’t like them because you didn’t. I assumed you were just jealous because everyone overlooked you. Let me be honest. I always wanted to be a popular girl. I liked the status. I wanted the glory and respect. Still, I wanted you the most. How long was I supposed to wait for you to want me back?     After school, you waited for me in our usual spot to be picked up by your mom. I saw you standing there, but I never went your way. Again, ambushed—that time by both Joesphine and Tabitha. Josephine and Tabitha were going shopping at the mall after school and invited me to go. I told them you were waiting for me, but they insisted, so I left you again. “He’ll be alright,” said Josephine. I believed her when she said it, but I so badly desired to be with you. I wanted to lock my index finger with yours, but I wanted to hang with my new friends. How long were you standing there waiting for me? Do I have the right to ask?      I won’t lie. Going shopping with the girls was fun. Most of the time, it’d be just my mom and me. It was a pain to be an only child at times. I didn’t overthink about you, but I did think about you. I even bought you something, thinking it would make up for my ditching you. I just knew you would love it. As the girls sat down eating ice cream, I kept looking at the gift and smiled every time.     “You see what I see, Josy?” asked Tabitha to Josephine.     “Yeah, and it’s disturbing,” responded Josephine.     “What is?” I asked.     “You being in love with that loser boy,” says Tabitha.     Though blushing, I denied the assumptions in a way that made me look guilty. I told them nothing was going on between you and me. It wasn’t a lie. Regardless of how I felt, I slowly became sure you didn’t feel the same. Still, there was a fleeting hope in a young girl’s heart. Rather than admitting that, the real lie was telling them there was no way I’d ever date you. The real lie,      “He’s like a brother to me.”     “Good,” said Josephine, “...because word around school is that Mr. Stephen Gray is really into you.”     I didn’t believe her. I thought to myself, “Why would I want that shitbag when I have Blu?” Except I didn’t have you and began believing I would never have you. We were so little, so I don’t know why those thoughts were running through my mind. You probably thought girls were disgusting. Girls do mature quicker than boys, but I never thought about it. If only I’d known.     The more the girls went on about Stephen being a perfect match for me and you for a mistake, I became more intrigued by the thought of Stephen and me. Whether or not they liked you, I should have stopped them from saying bad things. I hated myself for laughing with them. The girls asked what I had planned the next day, and I mentioned I had a birthday party. Josephine and Tabitha seemed happy and came up with the idea to host it at Tabitha’s place.      The plan was to have it at my home with the few people you and I know and some kids of my mom’s friends. The strong influence of Josephine overcame me, and I gave in. I swear that girl has the power to make anyone do what she wants.     “Is that boy coming, too?” asked Tabitha.     “Of course. He’s my best friend. Wouldn’t feel right without him.”     Tabitha and Josephine looked at one another and then turned to me with maniacal smiles and agreed that it was okay. I didn’t sense the bad vibes at the time, so I didn’t think twice about it. Whether or not they wanted you there, my foot was down and would’ve remained that way. There was no way I’d let them keep me from you that day. First, I had to make sure you were still coming after what I did.     I had Josephine’s mom drop me off at your house. Your parents welcomed me in. They were always so lovely and warm toward me. Your home was my second home. Ironic? After the greets and hugs, I went to your room where you were and let myself in. There was no smile on your face when you saw me. Once, there was always a smile when you saw me. You said I lit up the room with my glow and radiated so much positive energy that you were happy even on a bad day. That gave me butterflies every time.     “Hey, Blu,” I said in remorse.      “You ditched me,” you responded, “You ditched me twice on the same day.”     “I know, and I’m so sorry. Forgive me, please?”     “What happened?”     “Well… I got ambushed by Josy and Tab, and they--     “‘Josy and Tab?’ What? Are they your new best friends now?”     “Of course not. You’re my best friend. You’re always going to be my best friend.”     “Then what are you doing hanging out with those dildos?”     That made me laugh, which made you laugh. I thought, “There’s that amazing smile.” I waited all day to see it. After explaining that I wanted to hang out with people I could talk about makeup and boys to, you understood. It was more than that, but you didn’t need to know it all. Next was convincing you to come to Tabitha’s for my party. Naturally, you weren’t fond of the idea, but I knew you’d agree to it for me. Your eyes made it hard to look at anything else. I’d like to think it was my eyes that made it hard for you to deny me, if not your heart.     I sat next to you in your bed, and you wrapped your arm around me. I swear I could’ve fallen asleep right then and there. I got so lost in your warmth that I completely forgot about the gift I bought for you. The plan was to give it to you at the party.     The day had finally come. It was officially my birthday! The excitement I felt was indescribable. You made it to school before me, and I saw you waiting for me out in front. I was happiest when I saw you and began running to you to lift me and spin me around like you did almost every year. I made a promise to myself the previous night before bed. I promised myself that it would be you I marry one day. It’d be your children I would carry and help raise. It was a promise to love you forever and a day.      Halfway to you, once again, I got ambushed by the popular kids, including Stephen. I swear they’re undercover assassins or some s**t. The way they just pop out of the blue and get in my way is incredible. They surprised me with birthday balloons and gifts before I even made it to the door. Sad to say, it took my attention entirely away from you. Some future wife I’d be, huh?     I did look over back to where I last saw you, but you were already gone. Why’d you leave? Silly question. Upon entering, me and the group spotted the new kids walking inside. Immediately, Josephine and the rest deemed them as unattractive losers. Those kids turned out to be Tyler and Rosetta. Your new friends.      Walking in, I saw Tyler shove you into the locker and threaten you, but I did and said nothing. Everyone else laughed and called you names, and I did nothing to stop them. I didn’t even bother to ask if you were alright. The first heartbreak was seeing Rosetta kiss your cheek. The second was knowing you liked it by the way you smiled.     Stephen had his arm around me and walked me to class. We were talking about my birthday party at Tab’s. He wanted me to save him a dance, and I nervously said yes—nervous, yet kind of excited. Could be I only said "yes" to make you jealous when you saw us together. You didn’t even notice.      “Ugh. You two are seriously perfect for each other,” said Josy.     “You think so?” I responded     “Uh, duh! I mean, look at him. I see how you are with him. Come on, admit it. Don’t be shy, girl.”     “I mean, he is cute.”     “You like him, and you know you do. You can’t hide these things from me.”     “Well, okay, maybe a little.”     “I knew it. You know I have a sense for these things. I have powers beyond your imagination.”     I truly believed she did. f*****g magical assassin. Are ninjas and assassins the same thing? Why am I even asking? Again, I forgot about you. I didn’t mean it. Stephen wasn’t even my type. You were. Everything about you made me feel like a woman before I became one. Everything about Stephen made me feel something different. I’m not sure what it was, but it was something I might’ve wanted. Was it the status? Probably. I liked him, but I never loved him, I swear. Listen to me swear to you. I sound like there’s still a chance. If only I’d known then. That’s the problem.     That entire period I thought more about what Josy said than what I felt for you. I don’t know why, though. “Me and Stephen? What would that mean for you and me?” He was popular. You were you. Why was that even a comparison? It was dumb for me to think he mattered more than you, but I’d say I made the right choice based on what I know now.     I hadn’t spoken to you at all for most of that day. Not until later, when I caught you staring at the new girl, Rose. You seemed so infatuated with her that it made me a bit jealous. You never looked at me that way. How come? Does it really matter now? I guess not.     When I saw you look at her the way you did, I knew it was the beginning of the end for us. It pissed me off, really, but I was determined to keep my promise. You were mine, and no one else’s. I sat with you and Frank at lunch that day. I may have been a little “aggressive,” but I made damn sure you would be at my party.      “If you two don’t show up tonight, I’m going to be really pissed at both of you! FRANKLIN! Make sure this i***t brings his ass to my f*****g party, or I will kill you! UNDERSTAND!”      “Uhh… Yes, ma’am,” you both said in sync.     I had no idea what the hell came over me. You probably thought I was psychotic. Maybe I was. I didn’t stay at the table with you guys, but I made a presence that let everyone know that we were friends and that I wanted you to come. You, however, said nothing, nor did you need to. I already knew.     At the end of the school hour, I went to my locker, still a bit envious. Once I opened it, a piece of paper fell out. I looked at it, saw your name on it, and with, “Happy Birthday, Hazel” written. It was a song you wrote for me. At that moment, everything changed. My heart felt full, my jealousy subsided, my smile had regained its shine, and I felt nothing but love and happiness. Anthony, you were my everything, and I was to tell you that very day how I truly felt. I swore to it.     School was out, and I was eager to get home and get ready for the party. I wore my best outfit, put on my favorite perfume and lip gloss, and made myself presentable solely for you. Everyone but you and Frank had already shown up. I guess Tabitha’s place was a little out of your way, so it was understandable why you were late. Sadly, you weren’t late. You never showed. Where were you? What happened? I remember hearing the doorbell ring and thought it was you. Stephen and Donnie went to the door. After a moment, they came back laughing. Something was in Donnie’s hands but got tossed in the garbage. Not sure what it was or what it could have been, but you weren’t there.      I asked Stephen, who was at the door as if I had a place to. He told me it was some pizza guy with the wrong address. I believed him. All day, I waited for you, yet you never showed. My mind made me think you were with the new girl. The way you looked at her bothered me. Why the hell weren’t you there with me instead?     Do you know who was there for me? Stephen. He kept me company. He made me smile and laugh; He made me feel important. My heart had broken, but he made it hurt less. That’s why--that’s why I stayed away. It was because I loved you in a way you could never love me. If only I’d known then what I know now. I couldn’t allow your absence to ruin my day. It became clear that my new friends cared more for me. So I thought.     You never did get your gift. If you had shown up, it would’ve been yours. Your parents wouldn’t allow you to have a cell phone, so I bought a prepaid one for you. I got it so we could talk every single morning and every night before bed. It was the thought of falling asleep to your voice that made me blush with excitement. I was so upset with you that I ended up throwing it away in anger after our argument the next day. That Saturday was the end of us.      I told you to meet me at the treehouse so we could talk. You seemed just as upset as I was, but I’m sure I was madder. My assumption of your anger was that it had something to do with your family. Your problems didn’t matter to me as I needed answers. Little did I know your frustration was because of me.     “You mind telling me what the hell happened yesterday!?” I yelled angrily.     “You tell me, Hazel! Better yet, go ask your new buddies!”     “What is that supposed to mean!?”     “It means your little posse of dumbasses wouldn’t let me through the f*****g door!”     “Bullshit! They wouldn’t do that. They knew how much I wanted you there.”     “That’s hard to believe at this point. Ever since you got involved with them, you’ve been acting differently. You ditch me, you ignore me and act like you’re too good to be seen with me.”     “That’s not true! That could never be true--     “Then what is the truth!? Can you tell me that?”     I couldn’t tell you the truth. As much as I wanted to believe my friends didn’t do what you implied, I knew you wouldn’t lie to me. Instead, I lied to you, but not all of it was a lie.      “You know what, I think, Anthony? I think you hate that I have other friends who are rich and popular. You can’t stand to see me enjoying life without you, and you didn’t show because of that. You’re intimidated by them and hate that I’m now one of them. My world doesn’t revolve around you anymore, Anthony! I have status now, and being around you makes me look--     I stopped myself once I realized the words that were coming out of my mouth were true feelings. Feelings I didn’t want to feel, and I used it to hurt you. It wasn’t intentional. What had come over me? Even at that moment, I still loved you. It was hurting you that made me realize who I was becoming. I liked who I was becoming, though, and didn’t want to lose it. Being popular made me feel powerful. Being with you made me weak, but not in a wrong way.      You waited for me to finish what you knew I was going to say. Why did you just stand there and let me say those things to you? Did you already know before I did? That had to mean you saw me. From the very beginning, when I thought you were blind, you saw me. Your gaze wasn’t the same. After years of friendship, my naivety caused me to push away my best friend in only two days.     We never finished talking. I just ran away, leaving you there under the treehouse. I don’t think either one of us turned around to look back. What a fool I was. If only I’d known then.