What Lies Within Her

Chapter 18: Reese's Realization

Reese's POV

"So, he's done courting you?" tanong sa akin ni Cielo pagkabalik na pagkabalik ko sa kung saan kami nakapuwesto kanina. "Anong nararamdaman mo ngayon? Guilt? Regrets? Or anything of the sort?"

Tiningnan ko lang siya at nagkibit balikat. "Hindi ko alam." This is not the first time I told him to stop courting me, pero ngayon lang niya inamin sa akin 'yong totoo kung bakit niya ako nagustuhan. So, I was a bit shock.

"You know, don't think so bad about yourself. You were just honest about how you really feel. Alangan namang pilitin mo 'yong sarili mo ma mahalin siya, hindi ba?" ani Cielo pero alam ko namang pinapagaan niya lang 'yong loob ko.

"I just can't bring myself to try and fall in love again," sabi ko na ikinatahimik niya. "You witnessed what happened to me in the past. Kung paano ako sinaktan ng tao na 'yon, and those memories are still here. Haunting me. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko."

She sighed. "What did you feel when Gideon confessed?" tanong niya dahilan para mapalingon ako sa kaniya. "Was it the same like when Henry confessed to you?"

Awtomatiko akong napailing. There's no point in lying about it. "Actually, it's far different."

Napatango-tango si Cielo na para bang naiintindihan niya 'yong sinasabi ko kahit pa hindi ko naman masyadong ipinaliwanag 'yong sagot ko.

"What's the difference between them, Reese?" she asked. Tinatanong niya ako na para bang may gusto siyang i-conclude at ang mga sagot ko ang magiging daan para malaman niya 'yon. "They're both men. Gideon and Henry, they both make efforts for you. So, tell me. What makes Gideon different?"

Napatayo ako sa kinauupuan ko at umiwas ng tingin. "I don't know." I really don't know. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ie-explain sa sarili ko at maging kay Cielo kung ano ba 'yong pinagkaiba ni Henry at ni Gideon. I don't know what's the difference between their confession.

In fact, Henry courted me for far too long, yet Gideon, I just met him. So, why do I feel like this?

"Alam mo, isa lang ang sagot diyan, e." Muli akong napalingon kay Cielo nang marinig kong sabihin niya 'yon. "Find it out yourself. Realize it by your own, Reese."

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"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" tanong ko kay Gideon nang makita ko siyang nakatayo sa harap ng booth namin pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng second day ng foundation day.

We're already wrapping up and when I went outside, nakita ko siyang nakatayo sa labas at nang matanaw niya ako ay kumaway siya kaagad.

I thought he'd get mad after what I said to him last time, pero ito siya ngayon. Nakatayo sa harap ko at naghihintay pa rin sa akin. "This is the only time I get to talk to you," aniya kaya napalunok ako.

It's true, I've been so busy dahil kaming dalawa ni Cielo 'yong nag-o-organize ng horror booth at kami pa 'yong nakauusap ng mga prof namin about sa ibang usapin ng section namin. Pagkauwi ko nga sa condo ay bagsak ako kaagad dahil sa pagod na rin siguro.

"What's there to talk about?" I asked while walking. Sinabayan niya akong maglakad at napapalingon sa amin 'yong iba naming kaklase. I'm sure, they're wondering why Henry's brother is following me. To think na pati ang nakababata niyang kapatid ay may kinalaman din sa akin.

"Puwede ba kitang imbitahang maglibot sa ibang booth?" aniya dahilan para mapalingon ako sa kaniya. His serious expression made it so hard for me to keep an eye contact with him. Hindi ko alam kung paano sabihing hindi dahil ayaw ko. Pakiramdam ko, kapag nakatingin na ako sa kaniya ay nawawala na lahat ng iniisip ko.

"I-I'm..." Hindi ko natuloy 'yong sasabihin ko nang maalala ko 'yong sinabi sa akin ni Cielo. That I should find out the difference between Henry and Gideon. Kung dapat ko na rin bang itulak palayo sa akin si Gideon at kung bakit ganito 'yong pakiramdam ko sa tuwing malapit siya. "Sure."

Nanlaki naman 'yong mata niya sa sinagot ko na para bang hindi niya inaasahan na ganoon 'yong isasagot ko. "R-Really?" Napangiti siya at tumango na lang ako. I didn't know that he could smile like that, so genuine. This is the first time he smiled at me.

Natigilan ako nang hilahin niya ako at dinala ako sa harap ng photobooth. "Anong ginagawa natin dito?" tanong ko, pero hindi siya sumagot. Instead, he pulled me inside and we sat in front of a camera. "Teka, Gideon--" he cut me off by putting a cat ears head band on my head.

He smiled again. "You look pretty and cute." Sinuot niya naman yong dog ears head band na kapareho rin ng design at kulay ng suot ko. I was stilled when he posed and smiled in front of the camera, so I did the same thing and the camera flashed. Ilang kuha pa ay natapos na at nang paglabas namin ay ipinakita niya sa akin 'yong dalawang polaroid shots.

"It's cute," I said. Naiisip ko lang 'yon pero nasabi ko nang hindi sinasadya kaya natawa siya.

"I know, right?" Iniabot niya sa akin 'yong isa at kinuha naman niya 'yong isa. "Let's go?"

"Alright." My heart was beating so fast the whole time I was with him. This is what I want to find out. What's this feeling? Why is my heart reacting like this every time I'm with him? I'm not like this when I'm with Henry, or with anyone before. Hindi ko na naiintindihan 'yong sarili ko.

We went to a lot of booths and I admit, it was fun. I've never experienced this kind of fun for a long time now. Hindi ko inaasahan na mararamdaman ko ulit 'to. And to be honest? I don't like this. I don't want to feel like this again. Pakiramdam ko ay mangyayari na namang hindi maganda sa tuwing nakikita ko 'yong sarili ko na masaya. It's like, I'm not allowed to be happy.

"Why the long face?" tanong ni Gideon pagkabalik niya. Hinintay ko kasi siya rito sa bench habang bumibili siya ng pagkain. Iniabot niya sa akin 'yong hamburger at juice na binili niya, then he sat down right beside me. "You didn't enjoy it, did you?"

Kaagad naman akong umiling. No, in fact, it's the other way around. I was so happy that I didn't notice the time. "It was fun. Hindi lang ako sanay na ganito ako kasaya."

Lumingon siya sa akin at kumunot 'yong noo niya. "Why?"

I sighed. A lot of things happened in the past. It was a roller coaster ride and I ended up being badly hurt from it. It was severe, I thought I could never move on from that pain, pero sinubukan ko pa ring ibalik 'yong sarili ko na nawala dahil sa pagmamahal na ibinigay ko. Now, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, kasi kapag masaya ako, pa laging may nangyayaring masakit at doble pa sa naramdaman kong kasiyahan.

"Because I don't want to feel the pain later after being so happy now," I uttered. Natahimik siya at nanatili siyang nakatingin sa akin na para bang binabasa niya 'yong iniisip ko. I hate how he makes me feel this way.

"But what if it's different now?" he asked which made me look at him. "What if I told you I could make you happy for the rest of your life?"

Napalunok ako nang rumagasa na naman 'yong memorya ng nakaraan. Ilang ulit ko na bang narinig ang salitang 'yon? Ilang beses na ba akong nagtiwala, sumubok, at nasaktan? Why does it have to be me who ends up being broken?

That's when a realization hits me. Why am I feeling this way when Gideon's around? Why is my heart beating this fast every time he does things for me out of nowhere? Why do I feel like I'm going to be hurt again every time he's with me? I know now, all the answers to those questions.

No, I knew it from the start. Sadyang dine-deny ko lang kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na kapag tinanggap ko ay babalik na naman ako sa umpisa.

"I got to go," sabi ko at tumayo na pero hinawakan niya 'yong braso ko, preventing me from walking away. "Gideon, bitawan mo ko."

"Reese, look--" I cut him off.

"Gideon, stop! I don't want to see you, ever again." Hinila ko 'yong braso ko at naglakad na ako paalis.

I walked away there, with the realization about what I really felt and what's the difference between Henry and Gideon. I'm attracted to him. I'm attracted to Gideon and I don't like where this is going.