DEVOTED HEART

ALISSON "Be my bed warmer," Trent said in a calm manner but the darkness in his tone made me cringe.  The moment I realized what he meant by his offer; I was dumbfounded. "Huh?" I can feel myself breaking as that one syllable word left my mouth.  "You said you want to be with me, right?" Trent asked with a scowl. I can see how impatient he gets in every passing second. I shut my eyes as I took in deep breath. This is now or never. "I-I want you back," I said in a stutter. My voice shook and I know that I’ll be a crying mess in front of him any minute now. Trent gave me a sardonic smile. Parang iniinsulto n’ya ang buong pagkatao ko sa ngitig ibinigay n’ya sa akin. Nakakapanghina. “I can only think of a single reason for you to stay on my side, Ms. Garcia. And that’s by being my bed warmer. My b***h,” Trent said in a firm tone. The smirk on his face was like a solid knife piercing through my soul. “Take it or leave it,” he mercilessly added. I let myself feel the pain of his every word. And while I am digesting his offer, he took his time to assess my physical form. His condemnatory eyes sent shivers on my skin. As he continued assessing me, I bled more and more. Kung matignan n’ya ako, para akong karne na kinikilatis kung dapat ba na bilihin. Nakakainsulto. At alam ko na iyon naman ang nais niyang iparamdam sa akin. Ang alok n’ya na tagapagpainit ng kama n’ya. Isang parausan. Gan’on kababa ang gusto n’yang kasadlakan ko. Sobrang sakit ng hinihingi n’ya sa akin. Gusto n’ya na ibaba ko ang sarili ko. Pero mas masakit na alam ko na kasalanan ko. Ako ang pumili na mapunta kami sa ganitong sitwasyon. Mga desisyon ko ang nagdala sa amin sa ganitong kalagayan. Ang lalaki na naghahandog sa akin ng buong mundo n’ya noon, nais na lamang ako’ng gawing parausan ngayon. Ang lalaki na naglalagay sa pedestal noon, tinatapaktapakan na ang pagkatao ko ngayon. Ang everything is my fault. It was me who broke us. It was me who killed the Trent who loved me with everything he got. My vision got blurry as my tears started to well up my eyes. But I know that crying won’t do me any good. Baka mas mainis pa sa akin si Trent. "So?" He impatiently asked. He’s done with assessing me. At sa itsura n’ya, tila ba wala s’yang pakielam kung hindi ko man tanggapin ang alok n’ya. Because he can find another one. This must be hell. At desperada na kung desperada, pero gusto ko na bumalik s’ya sa buhay ko. At kung ito ang tanging paraan para magkaroon muli kami ng ugnayan, ibababa ko ang sarili ko. For the past years that I was out of his life, I obtained the things I always wanted for myself. I excelled in my career and I am now running my own company. Lahat ng tagumpay na pinangarap ko at maging ang mga bagay na hindi ko naisip na pangarapin noon ay nakuha ko. Nang mawala si Trent sa akin, tinanggap ko iyon. I accepted that I already let go of my chance to spend a lifetime with him. I owned up the consequences of my decisions and I did my best to live my life without him. I was never genuinely happy. My successes never meant a thing since I lose him. Trent was, and will always be my contentment. My owned me the moment I realized I was in love with him. No amount of money, recognition and luxury can match the happiness he can give me. And I am tired of living that kind of life. The pretentious happiness is killing me slowly day by day. And if this is the best chance to be with what can truly make me happy, I’ll blindly take this first step. Even if it means throwing away everything else. With my eyes close and hope in my heart, I nodded my head. Kung ito ang paraan para bumalik sa buhay n’ya, wala akong ibang magagawa kundi ang umasa na tama itong desisyon ko. “Good.” Trent said in a satisfied tone. Hindi ko pa tuluyang naididilat ang mga mata ko nang hapitin n’ya ako palapit sa katawan n’ya. Napaawang ang labi ko nang matitigan ang mga mata n’ya. The anger clouding his eyes took my breath away. "Alam ko naman na hindi ka tatanggi. Sanay ka naman na sa pagiging parausan," Trent said in a cold tone then he crashed his lips on mine. The kiss was ruthless. I felt disgusted. His kisses were always sweet. They were never this meaningless. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mag masakit. Ang mga labi ko ba dahil sa ginawang halik ni Trent, o ang puso ko dahil sa masasakit na mga salita n’ya. May patutunguhan ba itong gagawin ko? Mawawala ba ang galit ni Trent sa akin? May pag-asa ba na mahal n’ya pa ako gaya ng mahal ko pa s’ya? My pag-asa ba na mamahalin n’ya pa ulit ako? I am a businessman. I know that taking risks is inevitable. And I know that I should make up my mind on this one so I gathered my will. Because I’d rather regret doing things than regret not doing anything at all. "Take your clothes off.” Kabubuo ko pa lang ng loob ko pero niyanig na agad ako ni Trent sa utos n’ya. Trent raised his brow on me. He’s being impatient and I know that resistance from me will end everything now. Pigil na pigil ang iyak at hikbi, sinunod ko ang utos n’ya. I can feel my cries burning my throat as I removed my clothes with my shaking hands. This is the only way Alisson. Tiisin mo lang sa ngayon. Things will turn out fine eventually. Galit man si Trent sa ngayon, he’s still the same man who promised the heaven and earth to me. "Ang bagal mo naman. Expert ka naman sa ganito, ‘di ba?" Trent spat out. "Cut the act. I don't need the innocent b***h act. Pang-ilan na ba ako sa titikim sa'yo?" puno ng pang-iinsulto na tanong n’ya. His words were enough to cut me deep in my soul. I am a w***e to him. Masakit na wala akong magawa. Masakit na para patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya, kailangan ko na maging isang katulad ng ibinibintang n’ya. I am now his w***e. And I did this to us. Hinayaan ko s’ya noon na mamuhi sa akin. I chose to protect others. I sacrificed our relationship. And this is where my decisions took me. Inis na hinawi ni Trent ang mga kamay ko na nagtatanggal ng butones ng blouse ko at bigla na lang n'yang hinablot ang damit ko. I gasped at his ruthlessness. Nagtalsikan 'yong ibang mga butones na hindi ko pa natatanggal. Tinulak n'ya ako kaya napasandal ako sa pader. Medyo masakit 'yong kanang balikat ko dahil sa pagkakatulak n'ya pero hindi ko na lang ininda ang pisikal na sakit. Mas natatakot ako sa mangyayari at alam ko na mas masakit 'yon. Halos manginig ako sa labis na pagkamuhi na nababanaag ko sa mga mata ni Trent. He pinned me against the wall. Trent pressed his lips on my ear. "One more thing, Alisson..." may kakaibang sensasyon akong naramdaman nang maramdaman ko ang hininga n'ya sa may leeg ko. He looked at me straight in the eyes. Nakita ko ang matinding galit sa mga mata n’ya. "You have to be faithful while you're my slave," he warned which made me choke on my own breath. "Understand?" mariing tanong niya. I nodded my head while I got lost in his eyes. I'm always faithful to you, Trent. "At kapag sinuway mo ako, malilintikan ka sa akin. Sisiguraduhin ko na pagsisisihan mo," dagdag n’ya at hinalikan ulit ako sa labi nang madiin. Walang pagpapahalaga at walang pag-iingat. Hinawakan ni Trent ang magkabilang pisngi ko gamit ang kanang kamay n'ya kaya napabuka ang bibig ko. His tongue explored my mouth. He's playing with my tongue when I felt his one hand squeezed my breast. My moan got trapped on our fused mouths. From my cheeks, his left hand travelled down on my nape. He pulled me more on him then deepened the kiss. My lips felt swollen when he left them. His kisses went on my jaw and after sucking on it, his lips landed on my neck. He bites on my neck which made me wince in pain. Pain and pleasure. Umiikot na ang ulo ko dahil sa mga sensasyong ibinibigay n’ya. Kinailangan ko nang kumuha ng suporta para hindi ako mabuwal. I placed my hands on his shoulder. Ang mga mata ko ay kusang pumikit at hinayaan ko ang aking sarili na malunod sa mga sensasyon na idinudulot n'ya. Hindi ko na namalayan na wala na akong ni isang saplot sa pang-itaas. Umarko ang likod ko nang bumaba ang mga labi n'ya sa dibdib ko at ipaloob ang isang ituktok ko sa bibig n'ya. I bit on my swollen lips as I felt him biting and sucking on my n****e. He’s like a hungry baby latching on me. My fingers curled on his hair as he licked, sucked, and bite on my n*****s alternately. My lips parted as I moaned his name, calling it like a prayer. "Oh, I love you, Trent," I moaned while feeling the pleasure rippling through my system. Nagulat ako nang bigla s'yang tumigil at lumayo sa akin. Iniayos n'ya ang sarili n'ya at saka ako tinapunan ng nandidiring tingin.  "T-Trent?" mahina at nag-aalinlangang tawag ko. He got his wallet from his pocket then threw few bills on my face. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sakit na naramdaman ko nang itapon n'ya sa akin ang pera n'ya. Tinatapak-tapakan na n'ya ang pagkatao ko. At hinahayaan ko lang s'ya. "I don't feel like doing it with you," mariing sabi niya. Tumalikod na s'ya sa akin at lumabas na ng silid. Naiyak na lang ako sa sobrang sakit. Masakit na ganoon na ang tingin n'ya sa akin. Masakit na nandidiri s'ya sa akin. Masakit na tinalikuran na n'ya ako. At masakit na hindi na n'ya ako mahal. At ang pinakamasakit sa lahat ay… kasalanan ko.