Mind of a Lycan

Jackie

Dear Journal,

Grandpa and Grandma Valderez know everything now about Aaron, all the things I couldn’t bring myself to let my parents or siblings know.  They know that if he chooses to continue to morn his first mate, I have resolved to return her life to him.  And that in doing so, I would be condemning myself to a lifetime of loneliness and pain.  Since Aaron is my last chance at love and pups of my own, I would have to wait until she dies of old age to be mated with him finally.  Therein lies the problem, if she is old enough to die, he would be too.  Since Lycans tend to live about 200 years longer than normal werewolves and even if I was able to mature a Lycan within him to mate with, he still would be an old man compared to my 20 something looks.  Not that I would have a problem with that, I love him regardless of how he looks, but it’s unclear how long he could survive even with a Lycan if his first wolf is over 100 before he is transformed.  No werewolf has ever survived the conversion past the age of 80.  Plus there is no guarantee that he would even want to live without her again because all memories of me would be removed once she is alive again.  No matter what my heart is Aaron’s for the rest of my life and that is something that can’t change.  There would be no time for him to reject me if I restore Aiden’s Mama’s life because it would instantly break his link to me, but not mine to him.  Cruel as that seems I have this burden to bear since I am “blessed with this gift”.  Grandma was heartbroken at the thought that in order to make sure Aaron’s heart gets what he needs and wants, I have to deny my heart for a lifetime.  Grandpa said it’s completely unfair of the Moon Goddess to ask me to make such a sacrifice, but he knows I would give anything to make sure those I love get their hearts desires regardless of the cost to my own person and I would make give it willingly.  Grandpa said that he couldn’t keep this kind of information from my parents, because it’s their right to know what is going on with their children.  From that point on Mom and Grandpa spent more time in Aaron’s mind than his own wolf, trying to gauge what he was feeling and what he was thinking about in terms of us.  Aiden was missing me something fierce and I could feel his pain physically as if it was my own.  So, I would slip into his mind at night and let 2.0 curl around him in his mind like a warm furry cocoon.  After another 2 more agonizing weeks passed by and Aaron still hadn’t made up his mind or heart, I needed to take action. 

This is it, I can’t take this limbo anymore.  I can feel the mating bond growing weaker as it begins to slip away.  To me, this means that he is choosing to live in pain over losing his first love rather than open himself back up to the prospect of new love with another mate.  Yes, I think he’s being a huge coward and beyond selfish.  Yes, if I asked Mom, Grandpa and Aunt Charlie could erase his memories and love for her, but then I would be the one being selfish and a coward.  That isn’t in my nature, I can’t think of my own needs above that of others, which I was told will make me a great leader and Queen one day, but at times like this, it SUCKS!!!!!  I guess that is why I snuck off without telling anyone what I was going to do.  I flew my plane to the airstrip closest to Aaron’s pack and landed around midnight in the pouring rain.  Taking the shovel I brought with me, I head to where his pack buries their dead.  Using my wolf vision, I ignore the rain and find her tombstone.  Once there I start to dig because I know that this time Selene, the Moon Goddess, won’t be bringing the casket to the surface for me and I have to be in physical contact with the body to heal it and restore the soul back to it.  Wishing I had access to a backhoe or earthmover of some kind to speed up the process, I sigh and continue to uncover Aaron’s mate, but it is slow going.  After an hour of digging, I realize the rain has stopped and the moon is glowing so brightly almost right above me in the night’s sky.  It almost feels like I have a spotlight shining down on where I am digging.  I have gotten down about 2 feet and still have another 4 to go, so I draw on my wolf strength to try to work faster.  Suddenly, I hear low growls to my right and see 3 wolves are forming up around me.  I can feel the presence of 3 more moving behind me as one in front shifts back into human form to confront me for digging in the grave of their Luna.  Keeping both Lynns in check, I met his eyes directly as I continue digging.  They seem to be confused that I’m not scared and am basically ignoring them as well.  Since I had my Lycan scent masked all they can smell is my wolf and he calls me a bloody rogue, which makes 2.0 mad so she releases her scent.  Because they are downwind the 3 behind me back up once my scent hits them and they realize not only am I a Lycan but I’m also an Alpha.  I turned to them and commanded them to shift back into their human form using my “voice”, unable to resist they comply as did the final 2 still in wolf form as soon as I looked in their direction.  I told all 6 to stand in front of me, which they do without a word.  Once they are no longer moving due to my directions, I go back to digging.  After about a minute, the air shifted and I could smell his glorious scent.  Off to my right is a huge gray wolf, Aaron, and I can feel his fury as he rushes toward me.  Partly at these warriors for failing to stop me and then directed at me as he caught my scent confirming that I was the one digging up his Luna, his one true love.  Bracing myself, I stand firm when he tries to tackle me and I easily toss his wolf into his warriors standing in front of me.  Needless to say, his warriors and Beta, who had just arrived, were shocked, I mean they knew that Lycans were stronger, faster and more agile than a mere wolf, but to see their Alpha’s wolf tossed aside by a little slip of a woman, who didn’t even need to shift was unnerving to them.  Aaron shifted back to human form and came at me once more, but this time I just froze him in place.  Looking behind his back, I ordered his warriors and Beta to return to their homes and even though they were shocked they obeyed knowing that they were no match for me.  Once they were out of sight, I let Aaron go so he could move again.  He stumbled forward stopping just short of where I was standing in the grave.  Tears were running down his face as he demanded to know why I was digging her up.  Taking a few deep breaths to get my own tears under control since my heart felt like it was going to stop beating, I explained I was going to restore her to him just as she was when she was alive, but in order to do that I had to be close enough to touch her body so that I could heal it before pulling her spirit back.  I told him I knew he wasn’t ready to open his heart or life to me and I understood why.  So I was doing the only things I could to heal his heart, and with that said I started to dig again.  He jumped in front of me grabbing the shovel from my hands and tossing it to the side.  Stepping forward he swung me up into his arms as he jumped back out of the hole I had made.  For just a moment I allowed the feeling of safety and love his embrace was generating inside of me, but as I was trying to stop myself from melting into his being he crashed his lips onto mine giving me my first kiss ever.  At that moment, I was lost to all reason, his kiss felt like heaven and I couldn’t help myself when his tongue licked at my lower lip begging for entrance to my mouth.  I opened for him and soon our tongues were playing with each other and I moaned with absolute pleasure into his mouth.  Finally, we had to break apart to breathe and he rested his forehead on mine for a moment before saying, “I love you, Jackie, with all that I am.  Please don’t ever stop loving me or Aiden, we need you in our lives, not a faded memory.  Please scent me, I’m not sure how much longer I can resist marking your beautiful neck so that everyone knows you are MINE!”