Moments To Live For

Chapter 1 Equivocal I love him! I love him! Tears slowly streamed down my eyes as I realized this. I love him. The more I say it, the more it confirms how I feel. I love him and I cannot seem to stop myself from saying it anymore. I have to tell him, I have to tell him now! But, how? I haven’t seen or heard from him for months. All traces of him were suddenly lost after that night we quarreled under the San Juanico Bridge in Leyte Samar, after that perfect moment when he held my hand and gave me a single rose as he always does while he poured out to me how he feels after I ruined that moment with my stupidity. I remember that night vividly. I was so stupid to react the way that I did. I knew I loved him then but was too stubborn to believe it. I said words, hurtful words to him. I knew how to hurt him and I did. He left in tears and it broke my heart. I was left there standing by myself in a pool of regret after realizing what I had just done. But, I could not stop myself that night. I didn’t understand myself, I was confused and lost. I didn’t know what I wanted and who can blame me? After everything that happened to me in the past, I was too scared to open myself to a potential hurt that I wasn’t ready for. I was too proud to admit what I felt. I was a coward, and I spent the entire 6 months wishing to return to that moment and do it right. Oh! How I wish I could turn back time and just tell him that I love him too. Oh! What I’d give to have that moment again. But here I am now left wondering. Am I too late? No! I refuse to believe my chance is lost! I have to find him. I have to tell him how I feel or else I will explode with regret. I have to find him before all is lost. But, again, how? His family is not talking to me, his friends are closing doors on my face. I tried his workplace, his apartment, only to find out that it had been sold. I stalked his favorite cafés, wrote to him only to see my letters in the trash outside his house, emailed him only to find out his email was already deactivated, texted him and I even camped out at his parent’s house, but it seems like he just disappeared from the face of the earth. Was it that bad for him to go to great lengths to erase himself from my world? Was I not allowed a second chance? I needed to see him and I am becoming more desperate by the day. I love him and I cannot just let this go without letting him know. I went to the nearest gun shop and bought myself a 9mm pistol. I went back into my car, staring into the windshield, going through everything I was about to do in my head. Psyching myself, telling myself over and over that I can do this. It has to be done, there is no other way. They left me with no choice. I was too desperate to think clearly. I drove to his parent’s home. As I turned the corner, the house came into view. The beauty of this house is not its size or the glamour that you expect in a mansion, instead, the beauty of this house is the feeling that it gives you. Anyone who comes here can tell that this house is a house filled with so much love. I drove through the driveway and you can’t help but admire the perfect landscaping, the playgrounds, the bikes, and the murals around the fences that the kids made. This house is filled with moments, the kind of moments that you live for. His family is big with moments and that’s why they are a family that you can easily love. I can feel my eyes fill with tears thinking about how I am about to destroy this perfect home, but I stopped myself before I had a chance to change my mind. It has to be done. I gripped the gun harder with my hand and I could feel its weight. I can do this. I have to. I crept into the back of the house where I knew his room was located. I looked up at his room balcony and a wave of memories came rushing in. I have to find out where I can find him, there has to be clues in his room. I climbed up to his room and I saw that his room was almost empty except for a single box. They packed everything away. I became so angry. Why is he so determined to disappear?! My mind was clouded with so much rage that I didn’t even know what to do. I saw the box that was the only thing left in his room and I ripped the box open, determined to find something, anything that would tell me where he was. In the box, there is another box only perfectly decorated in white and flowers. I opened the box and I couldn’t believe what I saw. A wedding album, wedding videos, wedding bands… I opened the wedding album and stared wide-eyed at the photos of him with the biggest smile holding his bride with love. I see photos of him looking at his bride with the kind of love I thought he only gave me. I fell back, and I just broke down in tears, confused, hurt, and embarrassed. The pain in my chest is too much to bear. I felt the world spin and I just lay on the floor fighting with everything that I had to keep myself from fainting. All of a sudden, his mom entered the room, shocked at what she saw and what she saw that I discovered. I was already in a fetal position crying like everything was draining the life out of me. I looked up, raised the gun at her, and screamed, “What is going on here? I need an explanation!”. She slowly approached me with her hand raised towards the gun, trying to calm me down. My hands were shaking and all my emotions just drained all the strength out of me. The gun fell to the ground. With one quick swoop, his mom locked me in a tight embrace, and in her warm hug I broke down in tears, asking her over and over, “why?”.