Do I Wanna Know?

June 22nd-3

There is a comfortable looking grey sofa in the living room opposite a huge TV on the wall. There are book shelves, books everywhere, many of them are design, law and IT and business related and there are some classical ones. He has a varied interest. This has not changed. You can`t find anything personal in here other than some pictures of Josh`s parents, I really love his parents I will have to visit them. Josh is an only child and a late one, maybe this is why he loved to hang around with us. He and Andrew were like brothers. I find an old picture of him and Andrew smiling at Stanford. Josh and Andrew were classmates in primary and then high school. While I went to Watsonville high school, they both went to Stanford, which is about an hour drive away from Watsonville, which meant that all their friends sometimes girls as well were hanging out at our house day and night.

They all graduated as IT engineers, and despite this none of my family and friends use social media. They lectured me about fake profiles, becoming a victim and about social media`s negative impacts on our personality. Andrew was very specific about how his little sister won`t be waiting for likes under her latest profile picture. My parents agreed with him, we don`t share pictures of us and we keep in touch the old fashioned way, we go and see each other. When they graduated, Andrew got a super job in Denver, and Josh returned to Watsonville and started a business with one of his classmate who wasn`t really close to Josh before so I can`t really remember his name. Andrew and Josh stayed in touch, they visited each other once a month.

I carry on looking around. Right, why would I think that he is single? Nothing in the house would suggest in his house that he has a girlfriend or fiance, but I`m sure he has one as he always had loads of girls after him and they swapped each other pretty quick, same as in my brother`s situation however Josh was a bit more discreet. With Andrew you could never avoid the disappointed girlfriend`s screaming, crying, and swearing, the house was always loud. Josh`s breakups never ended like this, and he spent most of his time with me in the last few months of my stay in Watsonville, or I thought he did. This was a long time ago.

By the time I run these thoughts through my head, I am standing by the kitchen bar. I watch him as he takes a wine out.

-Remind me how old you are Lucille? Can you drink alcohol? – of course. Josh and sarcasm are good friends, especially when I am around.

-I can drink, but I only drink with friends. But you know what, I let it be Christmas for you. I can make an exception.

-Very nice of you. -he smiles.

-Oh, no need to be thankful! – I wave my hand as a gesture. The rose is already in the glasses as Josh gives me one of them:

-What should we toast for? – I ask with a smile.

-What would you like to toast for? Maybe for your return home?

-I`m not staying for long, no point toasting for that. – I think out loud. Josh looks at me surprisingly.

-Can I ask you something? – I slowly nod and I wonder what he wants to know. His question surprises me.

-Why did you disappear so suddenly? – he asks me, this time with no smile.

Wow, just like that we are deep into this. Interesting how I never thought anyone else other than my family would ask me this question. Four years ago on the way to the airport I already told them a fake explanation – I was scared of the new school and of change and I thought I`d be thinking about this throughout the whole summer so I just left and went to my aunty who lives close to Princeton, this way the new beginning at college was much easier. I have no other explanation, especially not for Josh. But I also have questions.

-Let`s talk about this another time – I suggest and Josh nods. I know this question will have to be answered and I need to come up with some kind of explanation, but not just yet.

-Well, cheers then! - he says then we toast.

-Now you tell me something! -I tell him in his style.

-What would you like to know dear Lucille? Let`s be specific. – he half smiles.

-The last few years in highlights. – I say.

-So you want a minimal amount of easily processed information. After Stanford, I came back to Watsonville and with a good friend we opened an IT company which deals with the planning of algorithms. We developed nicely and we now have 15 employees and we work for some big companies. – he finishes then we look at each other. His eyes are beautiful, I sank into them.

-Wow – I say.

-I jump to the sound of the doorbell. Dinner is here. I try to give him some money but like a gentleman, Josh refuses it. I stuff my face with my favourite food with a big smile. I haven`t tasted these in ages. I had similar but nothing like this. I am happy. My chin is covered in ketchup but everything is so delicious. My host finished his food already and he looks at me with a smile then says:

-Now I`m kinda glad I did not take you to a public place. You eat like a pig. You are unacceptable. – we laugh then I suddenly feel tired.

Josh, I think I had a long day. Would you mind if I went to bed?

-It depends. With or without me? – he asks with a smile.

-What would you like? – I banter with him. The smile has quickly disappeared from Josh`s face. We look at each other`s eyes. I feel that maybe I have crossed a line.

-You tell me! – he passes the ball back. I shake my head.

Well then I am off to sleep now – I say quickly. We both stand up. He leans into my ears and my pulse rises.

-Coward – he whispers then leans back and smiles. -Of course, just go. It`s Thursday tomorrow, we will find something that requires two different gendered adults.

-It`s not necessary. I don`t want to disturb your grey and boring daily schedule. Goodnight!

Goodnight Lucille! – I like his voice and when he calls me Lucille.

I brush my teeth and put my Winnie the Pooh pjs on. I watch the TV from the bed for a bit but I can`t concentrate on the movie. I keep thinking about what to say the next time my sudden move comes up as a topic again. He wouldn`t believe if I used to Princeton excuse as we talked a lot about that and he knows I was not going to move there earlier and I was excited to start. Tell him that it was because of him? No way, I would never tell him. I can`t find a good excuse and I don`t want to get confused in lies. Maybe I will tell him that it`s none of his business. I postpone the question and switch the TV off.

A few hours later around one am I am still wide awake. I can`t fall asleep but I don`t know why. I flounce, turn then I get bored so I go to the kitchen to get some water, then listen to music on my phone, then drink again and go to the toilet a few times. I repeat this a few times during the night. Around 3 am I feel like crying. After the twentieth glass of water, Josh appears by the door of his bedroom. I`m not surprised. I should have expected that he will wake up. He is wearing dark grey trousers and a big light blue t-shirt that matches his eyes. He is frowning:

-Okay, Lucille. You always played with my nerves but this is too much even from you. You`ve been running between the kitchen, your room, and the toilet during the past few hours in your cute pj top. How long are you planning to do this for?

--I`m sorry Josh, I can`t sleep and I don`t know why, and I am going crazy. I was just about to end my life but then I realised you could not handle the loss of me so due to the pity I felt for you, I stayed alive. – I can see a smile at the edge of his mouth. I`m winning.

-Okay, what do you think could solve this? Shall I rock you to sleep?

-Would you maybe watch a movie with me? You can say no of course. -I try.

-Yeah, so you can walk around till the morning? No, let`s watch a movie. What movie would you like to watch? Legally Blonde or Legends of the fall? I don`t know your taste but I think I`m going in the right direction, right?

-Not at all but you can choose. – Josh shakes his head but walks towards the shelves by the TV and starts saying the names of the movies.

-Inception, The usual suspect, Forrest Gump?

-Inception will be okay I haven`t seen it for a while. – I smile. Josh and I open the sofa bed and I fetch some of the pillows and blankets from one of the rooms. We get comfortable and probably even before the movie started I fell asleep.