Roman

11 - Springing it on me

Marley

“She’s perfect.”

“She is that.” Roman smiles at his mother as she holds our daughter.

Leona is a beautiful woman; she really is. Her cocoa-colored skin, long, curly dark hair that hits her shoulders, and her green eyes, just like her son’s sparkling with tears, make her even more beautiful.

She’s smitten with her granddaughter, just as Roman is.

Leona’s husband isn’t with her because he has a meeting to attend at the hospital he works for, although she’s told me twice already how much Romany looks like her grandfather. From the picture she showed me of Rob, I can see just how much Roman looks like him, and from the baby picture she showed me of Roman, it’s evident that Romany is his image. No one could say that little girl isn’t Roman’s. She’s beautiful, just like him.

Although, I see Roman has his mother’s green eyes, not brown like his father. I wonder what color Romany’s will be.

Green like her father?

Or blue like mine?

She’s two weeks old already, but this is the first time Leona has been able to visit. She’s been away with her husband and daughter for a while. Leona kept apologizing for not making it back sooner. She wanted to, but they were in London. Rob had been asked to attend a hospital there to perform life-saving surgery on a child.

Leah, Roman’s sister, is with her mother today, and I’ve loved meeting her. Leah is so sweet, and she’s always smiling. Roman told me how Leah has autism, the mental age of a child, and how she can sometimes have breakdowns and get terribly upset. He asked me not to panic if Leah had one of her meltdowns. I smiled and told him I understood and could handle anything. I find her so loving and kind, and she adores Romany.

The house Roman managed to rent us is lovely. I’m content here; it’s homey, and I can breathe easily. There’s a security alarm and safety locks, which all put my mind at ease.

Roman’s MC brothers helped paint and decorate the place and kit it out with new furniture within a few days. Everyone pulled together for us, and I have never been more grateful.

My baby girl has the best princess bedroom any little girl could wish for. Not that she knows what the hell is going on, but she sleeps so well in her room.

I wish I’d been there to watch those big, burly men setting up baby furniture. However, it’s Taylor that I had to thank for how wonderful it all looks. Roman told me how Taylor spent hours ensuring Romany’s room was perfect. I thanked her, and she smiled and told me I was more than welcome.

Roman has been fantastic since I came back to Bardsville. After the way I’ve been treating him since Romany was born, I thought he was going to walk away from me. Yes, I’m confused about what I want right now, but the thought of Roman leaving me scared me to death, and I begged him not to go.

I have no idea what I’m going to do, and I know I can’t keep putting this off, but I’m scared of what Roman will do when I tell him the truth about David. I am going to tell him soon because it can’t wait any longer. As soon as his mother leaves, I will tell him the truth. I know Roman and I could have a fantastic life here. However, I think about what David said about the hellish life I’m thrusting on Romany.

Can I really allow her to grow up with a man who kills?

Okay, Roman doesn’t go around killing every damn day of his life, but he’s accountable for the death of at least three people, maybe more, I wouldn’t know. He’s hurt more people than I can count in one way or another, and that scares me.

Then there’s the fact that every time Roman touches me, be it a simple kiss to my head, his arm around me as I feed Romany, or holding me in bed, I feel physically ill, not because of Roman, but because I can’t stop thinking about David. I still love him so much it hurts. Though, I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore.

I don’t know if I feel guilty for being with Roman or because David and I have unfinished business. Then it makes me question whether I’m actually in love with Roman or if I’m clinging to him for Romany’s sake.

Why would I have begged him not to leave me the other night if that's the case?

I’m confused and scared, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

All I know is that I have to find out. I need to see David again because I need to know if the spark is still there or if it’s just a lingering doubt.

Am I missing him because I was ripped from him so carelessly?

Or do I love him still so much that I need to be with him?

I’ve thought about being with David again, how good it would feel if he held me all night long the way he used to. I’ve thought about him kissing me again, making love to me. What would life be like if we were together again? I smile each time I think about it. Then I remember how he could act toward me, and that makes my stomach burn with fear.

But then I think about what it would be like not to have Roman, not to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine, and it kills me inside.

I’ve even compared the way Roman makes me feel when we’re intimate. Not the actual se.x because that happened once when I was messed up. I shouldn’t have let it happen, but I don’t regret it because I got my daughter from that night.

No, I mean the soft way he used to touch my face when he came to see me at the cabin or the way he held me while we danced. The sweet way he spoke to me when I was so very frightened after Bulldog was killed.

Then there’s how David made me feel when he did the same things. Though he wasn’t as nice as Roman, especially if I cried. He would yell and tell me to grow up. But I have a lot more experience with se.x where David is concerned.

But does that mean I should choose him?

Regardless, now I have Romany, and she has to come first. Whoever I choose has to be right for not only me, but they also have to be right for my daughter. Her father is the obvious choice, but I can’t say that he’s right for me one hundred percent right now.

What if I stay with Roman and come to realize that I belong with David?

How will I manage to leave Roman with my daughter?

I don’t think he’d kill me, but I’m not sure he wouldn’t kill David.

Maybe I should take my daughter and get the hell away from the both of them, at least until I’ve sorted my damned head out. This whole situation is driving me crazy, and I don’t know what the hell to do!

Have you ever wished you had a crystal ball and could look into it and see the future?

You know, one that actually worked, and you could see where your life would take you in a year or two’s time?

That’s what I wish right now because if I had one, I’d know what to do, and I could stop this sick feeling inside me. It’s so bad that I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I need both things to keep up with a newborn.

I’m not looking forward to my talk with Roman, but as I said, I have to tell him sooner rather than later. I cannot go on the way I have been. It’s just not fair to anyone.

“Is there anything wrong, Marley?”

I shake my head at Leona, even though there is so much wrong right now.

“Can I hold your baby now, Roman? Please?” I smile at Leah as she anxiously holds her arms out for Romany.

Roman looks at me and mouths, “Is that okay?”

I smile because he didn’t need to ask me that, but I appreciate it. “Of course,” I tell him, and he smiles at me.

Roman takes the baby from his mother and walks over to his sister. “Sit back in your seat.” She does with an excited squeal. I smile as Roman gently lays our daughter in Leah’s arms. “Support her head.”

“She’s so beautiful, Roman. Mommy, look how beautiful Romany is!”

“I can see, sweetheart.”

I can’t take the smile off my face as I watch Leah with Romany. She’s going to be a wonderful aunt. Leah’s autism prevents her mental age from progressing past the age of eight, and though she’s physically thirty-one, she will always be childlike.

“I love you so much, Romany. Can I show Romany to Merlin? He will love her so much, Roman!”

“Soon, princess.” He smiles.

Merlin is Leah’s service dog. He’s always with her, but Roman let him out back for a while.

“You look like you have something on your mind, Marley.” I shake my head at Leona. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing I want to speak to her about. “Don’t worry about the barbecue. I can handle it.”

“Barbecue?”

What barbecue?

“Roman and I thought it would be a good way to get everyone together. Sadly, my parents can’t make it; they weren’t given enough notice.”

“Thought it would be nice to welcome Romany to the family officially. You don’t mind, do you?”

I shake my head at Roman, even though I mind terribly. I don’t want people around me today; I want to talk to Roman about David before I lose my bottle.

“When is it?”

Roman looks at the clock on the wall. “Hour or so.”

What the hell?!

And he didn’t think to let me know before now?

I bite the inside of my cheek to hide my annoyance. I don’t want to say anything in front of Leona. I could strangle Roman, though.

Doesn’t he realize I’m not in the mood for a barbecue?

“Would you mind if I take a shower first? I feel a little...” I look down at the shirt I’m wearing, covered in baby puke. I look like crap. No one told me this baby thing made you look like hell all the damn time. I don’t feel good about myself at all right now, and it’s like Roman doesn’t even notice how uncomfortable I am with all of this.

Roman takes the back of my neck and brings my forehead to his lips. He kisses me so softly, and I’m fighting back the tears with all I have. I feel like a fraud being here with him. I do love Roman; I’m just confused about my feelings for David and how they factor into all of this.

What am I going to do?

Get ready for the barbecue, Marley. You can worry about telling Roman about David later.