Watching myself

Why is every day the f*cking same..wake up, go to school, go home, sleep, repeat. Of course there’s small things like what I have to eat or what I choose to wear, but it’s repetitive. My weekends aren’t any better, it’s continuous homework to please my damn mother. I just wish things would change, I wish I could make friends. Why is it so hard for me fulfill the need for human interaction?. I wish… *BANG* Mr.Banner slams a ruler against my desk. “Are you day dreaming in my class Miss. Ambur!” Says Mr. Banner “No sir, sorry sir!” I say as I feel my face getting hot. I must look like a cherry tomato. Mr. Banner continues on about some field trip bullsh*t and hands out permission slips, after dismissing class he calls me over to his desk. “Rayla are you having a hard time concentrating in class? I’ve noticed you’ve been in your own kind of world lately” he says in a kind voice. “This class is too f*cking easy and it’s repetitive!” I snap. “Whoah! We don’t need that sort of language.” He says in a more stern tone. I hate when teachers act sweet and fake, I like to piss them off so they become more of a real person when they speak to me. “I just like to check on my students Rayla, please respect me and my classroom from now on, I understand if things are hard but we don’t need to be at each other’s throats. You’re dismissed, have a nice rest of your day.” Mr.Banner smiles and waves me away. I enjoy that he knows I’m a person of not many words. I wave and walk off into the hall way and straight out the door. On the walk to my aunts I start to cry in the nice summer breeze. It’s feels amazing to let my emotions go and just hurt. I hate him so much but he is a good teacher.. he does not understand though.. it hurts.. even he still has his parents and he’s how old!. No one understands how I feel. It’s been months but this pain hasn’t gone away, I’ve just gotten better at hiding it. I just wish I could be with them but I know they are watching over me, I will make them proud! Arrives at Aunts “Hello sweetie! I made chocolate cookies, peanut butter cookies, ginger snaps, churros, and oooohhhh! Look at this cherry pie! I know it’s your favourite!” She nudges me in the shoulder. “Thank you Aunty Nydea... I’ll try some later, we had gym today so I wanted to have a nap.” I try to say kindly, as I walk up the stairs. “Oh. Okay, well I will put this into some containers for later and start on supper. Have a nice nap hun” she smiles weakly. I lay in bed wondering why I didn’t just try her desserts. I feel mean now that I think about it, but I just really don’t care for any sweets right now. I don’t feel hungry at all actually, but I’ll at least try eat what she makes for supper. I know she’s trying her best to keep herself together while grieving her sister and also having to take care of me at the young age of 23. She always talked about travelling and adopting children when she was older but now she’s kind of stuck with me. I feel bad for her, but I find it hard when it’s my life that got completely flipped upside down.. I slowly drift into the darkness on that last thought.. I snap awake and roll over to check the time. It had only been an hour but I feel like I’ve slept through the whole night. My aunty Nydea calls me down right on cue, ‘perfect timing’ I think to myself as I descend down the stairs. She served her and I a plate of peas, mashed potatoes, and a salisbury steak with mushroom gravy. “Eat up sweetie!” My Aunt exclaims. “Will do!” I try joke. After a few awkward chuckles we were both silently eating with only the noise of sliver ware and chewing. After we finish I offer to dishes so she can go to sleep early. After I finish up, I lay the school permission slip on the table. She’ll hopefully sign it before she goes to work, I head upstairs and get myself ready for bed. As I lay in bed still reminiscing about not trying her desserts, with that thought I go to sleep…