Many the Miles

I kept replaying the scene over and over again. All I could see when I closed my eyes were flashes of it. His hips moving against hers, her hands on his desk, the way his head tilted back. It made me sick to my stomach. The sound of his flesh pounding into hers. The way she cooed out his name and giggled. She knew I was watching. She knew I would run down to his office the second I found those papers. I was set up. My husband of ten years was cheating on me. He not only cheated on me, but he used a sperm donor to get me pregnant, twice. And not just any sperm donor, but Benji Russell, recording artist Benji Russell. When I started getting serious with my husband and he told me it would be hard for us to have kids it was okay. Mainly, because I wasn't sure if I wanted them myself. Two years into our marriage we started to look for ways to conceive and in vitro was our best option. It work well the first time so three years later we tried again and end with identical twins. I was satisfied with my family size by then. I threw the covers off of me and went down to the kitchen. I couldn't stare at the darkness much longer. Therefore, I decided to cook. It'd been far too long since I've gotten a good night's sleep, and I was kidding myself to think this would be the night it happened. I took two large pots and filled them with water. I decided to make the salads for the party tomorrow. One less thing that can go wrong. I placed the pots on the stove so they could boil and grabbed the potatoes I've been soaking. I decided against peeling them and just throw them in the pot. Now, I have to wait. I looked around the kitchen for something else to occupy my time with, and I grabbed the cutting board and veggies. Ten years, ten years of my life I've wasted on him, I thought to myself as I chopped the onions. Ten years I waited for him to care about my wants and needs. Ten years I cooked and cleaned. Ten years I stayed in this God forsaken house being his Stepford Wife. Ten years he lied. I stopped cutting and wiped my eyes. I walked over to the built in wine cellar. This was the best idea that man ever had. I pulled out the 1842 cabernet he never wanted to open. I grabbed a glass and sat. It was good wine. It was dark, complex, fruity, and strong. Before I knew it I had three bottles opened trying to pick my favorite. The merlot was by far the smoothest, but the Pinot Nair was cheap tasting, and the cabernet was divine. It didn't take long for my worries to seem like a spick of sand on the beach. I turned on the radio, filled up another glass, and enjoyed my night. The moon was nowhere in sight, but the stars more than made up for his disappearance. I loved the view from the backyard. How the town looked so tiny from up here, on the mountainside, and the sky so close. When we first got married John would wake me up after his rotation in the hospital and take me to the yard and we sit on the swings. I frown at the thought of my husband. Soon to be ex-husband. He was a liar and a cheat. He deserved a million life times of misery, and I just wanted to be free. I wanted to be rid of him forever. But I had nothing. I had no one. No one to turn to, nowhere to go. I was just stuck. He owned me, he owned my family, and he knew it. Ten years and I never knew I was a prisoner. He made me feel safe, wanted, in control. He made me believe that I wanted to live in this house, be a servant to his every whim. I lost myself in the shadow of his wants. Everything he needed became my needs, everything he wanted became my wants, and I just wasn't a person anymore. I was his wife. I'm just his wife... "You need to sleep," Rafaela said as she entered the kitchen. "Your mom's coming to help cook." Rafaela and her sleepy, blue eyes studied me. I could see the pity starting to surface. I sighed. "Ella I'm fine," I told her. Rafaela was the only one that knew about John's affair. She is also the only one that knew about him using another man's sperm to get me pregnant. Bastard. "I'm just going to finish these." "Mia, I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have sent that letter." I freeze. Leave it to my little sister to think I'm mad at her. She didn't do anything wrong. My daughter Alyssa asked Rafaela to invite her biological father to her birthday party. She's a smart kid and I'm the one to blame for that. She knows more than a five year old (soon to be six year old) should. "Ella I'm not mad at you," I groan. Her blonde curls bounce as she shifts her stance. Her hair is kinky like my dark brown hair. Her blue eyes look like her mother's, and mine are like my mother's. My father give us both his strong jaw and oval face. I have my mother's pout and she has my father's thin framed lips. "You don't sound like you're not mad," she said as she crossed her arms. "I have a lot to deal with," I sighed. "And I'm sorry, but she was so... I'm sorry," she said again. "Rafaela Nichole Hernández get out of my kitchen," I yelled at her. "Amili..." "Now please," I said. "Fine," she said and stormed off. One second I was the wife of a doctor, and the next I'm the baby momma of a popstar. I went from watching paint dry, to living a telenovela written by Tyler Perry. I wish I knew what possessed John to lie to me about starting a family, wanting to have a baby, and not being able to. It made no sense. Benji All I could do was look at the picture my daughter Alyssa sent me. She looked like my little sister Katie. Her green eyes are just like my dad's. She's beautiful. I knew this day would come, but I never imagined it would be this soon. I was finally going to meet my little girl, and her two little brothers. I still haven't broken the news to my parents, but my little brother and sister knew. Mostly, because privacy obviously means nothing to them. Katie was the first to notice the picture still in the envelope. She insisted on driving to Sonoma with me while, my little brother, Adam went back to New York to save face with our parents. Out of the pair he was the only one I trusted not to spill the beans to my mom and dad. When I first made the move to California things were slow. It was taking longer than I expected for my singing career to take off. I was signed to a label, but things weren't working out. My best friend and manager Taj needed me to stay and meet Darry Levitt, but he was out of town for two weeks, my rent was past due, and I was broke. I honestly didn't know what I was thinking when I decided to donate my sperm. It was an easy $500 dollar, but I knew one day I'd have a kid out there that would need me. I made my profile open and when I never heard from anyone I just assumed no one ever picked my sample. Now, I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. "What do you think her mom's like?" Katie asked as she drove north on 5. "I don't know, but she can't be that bad if she helped Alyssa write the letter," I shrugged. "I bet she's smart, and beautiful, and she likes to bake like mom," Katie said. Katie was forever daydreaming. Her head stayed in the clouds. "Let's focus on the road and less on the task," I said turning the radio on. "I can't believe you have three kids," she laughed. "Lauryn know?" "No one knows but you and Adam," I told her again. "So you haven't told the love of your life that you have three kids in Sonoma?" she said with a sarcastic smile. Katie never liked Lauryn, and she never tried to hide it. "I'm going to tell Lauryn and we're going to be okay." "Of course you will because she's a ladder climbing w***e," she grumbled. "She's not using me, she's a perfectly good actress and has been in the business since she was a kid." "But of course," she shrugged. "Look we have to be in this car for five more hours can we not talk about this?" I asked her. "Fine, but you can do better. Way better." "Thanks for letting me know," I said as I turn up the radio. Mia The nerve of this son-of-a-b***h. How dare he come into my house? What gave him the right to think he could come ruin my daughter's birthday? "Johnathan I was starting to think you wouldn't make it," my mother said. I glared at her and she gives me the not-now-look. I told my mother that we were having a fight and Rafaela told her he cheated on me. My mother knew I wanted to use the cleaver on more than the fish. "It's not every day a beautiful little girl like mines turns six," he said as he tried to kiss me. I turned so he kissed my cheek. The nerve. "Where's my little girl?" "I don't know you tell me?" I asked. "Amilia," he groaned. "It's her birthday." "Stay away from my child," I yelled at him. "I gave you, your space." He said referring to the two weeks he's been at his brother's. "Now is the time for us to act like adults for the sake of our daughter," he yelled at me. "She isn't yours," I yelled with my finger in his face. "Mia!" my mom said as she pulled me out of his face. "No Gracie, she's right," he confessed. "I did what I did for you. You wanted a baby I couldn't give you one so I made it happen. All of this," he spun around. "I did for you. For us. Those are my kids. You know I love them," he stopped when I started to laugh. "I do." "You only love yourself," I yelled. "I want a divorce," I said and everyone stared at me. "No you don't. You'll get over it, you always do," he said unmoved and went to the backyard to help setup for the party. "Baby you know you can't do that," my mom said. "Why can't she?" Rafaela asks. I sighed and grabbed the tray of meat. I walk outside to where the deputy mayor JR Coleman stood, next to his son and my father, by the grill. "Johnny you got yourself a beautiful girl," Mayor Coleman said as he took the try from me and sat it on the stand by the grill. "All thanks to this man," John said as he grabbed me by my waist. He knew I didn't want to alarm my dad by causing a scene so he kissed me. "I love you," he said. I fought the bile bubbling in my stomach and smiled. "I'm going to pick up the cake. The kids will be back from the Zoo with your mom soon," I informed him. "What time is the clown coming?" "Four-thirty," I said and left the backyard. "I'll be back," I told my mom. "Honey," she said trying to comfort me. "I'm not going to live like this. He lied to me and cheated on me, and he doesn't get to just pretend like none of this ever happened. He doesn't get to play house when he feels like it. I want more then what you had with dad," I yelled at her and Rafaela stopped and looked up at me. It took us a while to come to term with it, but my dad was a cheating bum. He married Rafaela's mom and had an affair with mine. My mom always thought he'd comeback. She had his child after all. She had my little brother shortly after Rafaela was born. And she thought that was her ticket to getting my dad to divorce my step-mom. It took her having one more child (my little sister Dominique) for my mom to see she was better off without him. I looked into my mom's blue eyes and saw them shine with understanding. She placed her mocha colored hand on my forearm, "I know that, but he's the only father they know, he's the only one they've got. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go," my mom said. "I'm not going to do this I can't," I cried. "Stop it before his momma comes in here with those kids," she warned me. "Okay," I said wiping my eyes. "God's going to work this out for you," she said as she kissed my forehead. Ella tried her best to keep everything as clean as possible as kids ran rampant through my house. She'd been quiet, and to herself since we had our words. I walked over to her and handed her a wine cooler. She smiled at me. Rafaela just turn twenty, and her mom is as strict and ridged as they come. "Thanks," she said. "You're wasting your time with this," I said pointing to the trash bag in her hand. "Just make them clean before they leave. All you need is five dollars," I said and winked. "Thanks for telling me that now," she said as we laugh. It didn't take long before my mood went sour once again. "You ready to talk?" John asked me. "Sure what else do I have to live for," I said as I cut my eyes up at him. "Fine," he simply said as he shook his head and led me into the house. We walked into the kitchen and went down to his office. He pulled out his empty bottle of 1842 cabernet. "If you're going to ask me about the wine you're wasting my time," I said. "Mia you're wasting your own time," he yelled. "Really"- "You will never speak to me like that again am I clear," he said as he brought my body into his. His eyes studied me and I knew he could feel it. Everything in my body wanted him. After everything he's done I still wanted him. "Let me go," I said. "You aren't getting a divorce, you're not leaving this house, and neither am I," he said as he lifted me and sat me on his desk. "I made a mistake with her, she knew I wasn't leaving you and that's why she did what she did," he informed me. "You looked pretty content when you were f*****g her," I said. He smirked and caressed my face. I knew what was coming and I did nothing to stop it. He kissed me like he was searching for something he'd lost. Something he needed. I hated the way my body melted into his and my legs wrapped around him bringing him closer. John was the only man I've spelt with and he knew how to make my body do as he wanted. He moved the bottom of my dress up to my waist and pushed my panties to the side, before I could push him away he was inside of me. "John," I said, but he kissed my will away. "No girl compares to you," he said. His eyes sparkled with truth and it made my stomach clench. "You've given me everything a man could want, and I'm sorry for the way I mistreated you," he said as he kissed my neck now. "I want to fix this. I know you still love me. Let's work on this." Soon my back was on the desk and he was taking me to my happy place. I felt my o****m building in the pit of my stomach and I wanted him to c*m first. I wanted him to know he'd enjoying this more than I did. I wanted him to know this wasn't okay, but he didn't. He licked his finger tips and rubbed my c**t and soon I let go. And I was his once again. He fixed his clothes with a smile on his face. He looked over at me and I knew the anger in my eyes amused him. "We're going to be okay." "Was she the first?" I asked. "What?" "Is she the first girl you've f****d, or are there more?" I asked him. "This is over Mia." "It's not. Not until you answer my question." "Fine, you get ten minutes after that this is over and we move on," he said. "You're going to be honest?" I asked him. "And answer every question," he smiled as he poured himself a drink. "And you my loving wife are going to wish you had let this go," he smiled, "Because you are going to be my loving wife until death do us part." "Was she the first?" I asked. "Actually she was," he said. "I've spelt with two others," he informed me. "Why?" He grabbed my hands. "Nothing you are at fault for. I just saw an opportunity and I took it." "How long?" I asked. "Two years, not quite that," he said. "So after the twins you just gave up on us?" I asked. "No we have three kids Mia. We sneak around our house like we're bloody teenagers. I want to do adult things with you. I want to f**k you on the kitchen counter like I used to. I want to go away and not have to worry about leaving the kids for too long. I want to have a life with you," he yelled. "Well, I'm a mother, thanks to you. I have three kids to care for," I yelled. "You wanted them just as much as I did." "No you wanted to trap me. You wanted to make sure while you were off at meetings and medical convention I was here waiting for you," I yelled. "I did want you home, because you don't have to work. You get to be taken care of." "I don't want that. I have a brain. All I wanted was to teach, how could that hurt?" "You wanted to teach with that prick, McAlister," he laughed. "We're adults," I sighed when he mentioned my childhood friend. "Dolan and I have never done anything." "He kissed you," he yelled. "Freshmen year in college do you know how long ago that was. And we weren't dating then, John." "But he knew. He knew I liked you and that we were going somewhere, and you wanted to work with him. You think I should let you teach under him." "You're ridiculous," I laughed. "You're so selfish." "Am I?" "Yes you are." "Well I guess you get what you get," he shrugged. He put his glass down and turned to leave. "We're not done," I yelled at him. "We are. You're ten minute are up," he smiled. "Wait! Why did you use a sperm donor?" He stopped and turned. We stared at each other so long I didn't think he was going to answer me. Then he said, "A part of me knew you deserved to be with someone else, and that I shouldn't be the father of your child." "So you can have kids?" I asked. "To my knowledge." "Well, you're lying and I want the truth." "I did it for you. Imagine knowing you brought another me into the world." "You're okay with me having another man's child, but working with one is out of the question." "You're never going to meet Benji Russell and he's not in love with you," he yelled. "Stay away from me," I said. I walked out the office and went back to the party. He wasn't going to ruin my daughter's birthday. I wiped my tears away and I grabbed the cake. Benji We pulled up to the house and it was huge. It looked perfect, a big colonial with a huge front yard. I forced Katie to stay in the car. I knew she wanted to come, but this was something I had to do alone. I carried the bag of toys over my shoulder like Santa Claus. My heart raced in my chest as I walked up to the front door. She's a six year old girl, get a hold of yourself. I thought as I rang the doorbell. It didn't take long for someone to answer. Her pale blue eyes widened when she saw me. She blanked a few times before she started to speak. "I-you really came. I can't f*****g believe it," she laughed. "Um, was I not supposed to come?" I asked. "That might have been for the best, but you're here now." "So you're Amilia?" "Oh no, that's my sister," she smiled. "I'm Rafaela," she said as she introduced herself. "I'm going to grab my sister just stay here." She closed the door and I could hear her running away. I looked back, and Katie had a confused expression on her face. I shrugged and as I turned the door opened again. Mia "Hey Mia," Ella yelled. "Mia I need you," she said as she pulled me away almost making me drop the cake. "We're about to sing happy birthday," I said. "It's going to have to wait there's someone at the door," she said with a wink. "Well who is it?" I asked confused by her behavior. "Just someone," she said and pointed at dad. My stomach flipped. Benji didn't really come all the way out here? "He didn't" I whispered in her ear. "Porch," she smiled. I put down the cake and everyone looked at me. "I'll be right back," I said and we raced to the door. I looked at her and she looked at me. "I can't believe this." "Me either he's so much cuter in person," she gushed. "Please don't embarrass me," I warned her as I opened the door. "Hi...wow," I said and he looked confused. "Are you Amilia?" he questioned. Ella was right he was cuter in person. His curly blonde hair was cut short on the sides and longer and on top. His green eyes were gentle and warm. He was shorter than I thought he'd be and skinnier. "Yes I am," and for some reason that confused him farther. "She's your sister," he said pointing to Ella. "Half-sister," I clarified. My mom's black, her mom's white, add in my Spanish father and everything was confusing. "Hi, I'm Benji," he smiled and extended his hand. "Hi," I looked back at Ella, "Could you give us a minute," I asked. "But Mia," she whined. "Now," I said. Rafaela pouted and stomped off to the backyard. I closed the door and joined Benji on the porch. "I know you came a long way," I started knowing there's no way in hell I can bring him into my house. "But I can't let you see them today." "It's her birthday," he said with a scowl on his face. "I've missed five, I'm not missing this one," he said as calm and even toned as possible. "I know and I'm sorry this happened. My sister should have never let her write that letter to you," I said. "She wrote that?" he questioned. "Mostly, she's not that good at spelling, but she knows what the words mean," I smiled. "Wow," he said clearly, not trying to hide the amazement in his voice. "She's great, they all are." "I'm sure they are," he said with a wide smile, and his nose wrinkled like the boys'. In that moment it just hits me, and I see the resemblance between my kids and the man standing in front of me. "You okay?" he asked. "Yeah you just... They look so much like you," I said. "Thanks," he said. "Is there a better time for me to see them?" "I-Look I'm going through something with my soon to be ex. I don't want him to know Lissy wrote you," I said and he hung his head. "He won't be here in the afternoon. She gets in from school at three, so if you come at two-thirty. You'll have time to spend with the twins," I finished. "And that's okay with you?" he asked. "Yeah, of course," I smiled as the door opened and Alyssa came flying out. "You came," she said as she jumped into his arms. "Of course I came," he smiled at her. "I'll always be here when you need me," he promised as he hugged her. "Come meet my friend Riley, and mom-mom, and pop-pop," she said but I stopped her. "Honey he can't," I started and she gave me that sweet, innocent, wide-eye look. "But why," she whines. "I,"- I started but he cut me off. "I have to check in at my hotel, I just came over to tell your mom I got here safely," he lied. "You're coming back right?" "Yep. I'll be here when you get out of school." She gave him another hug. "I'll miss you daddy," she said and you can see how much that meant to him, to hear her call him daddy. "I'll miss you too princess." "Go make sure everyone's ready to sing happy birthday." "'Kay," she said giving him a kiss. "Bye daddy." "Bye," he said watching her run inside. "She's beautiful," he smiled at me. "She is. Thanks for being so understanding." "It's okay Amilia." "Mia," I said. "See you tomorrow," I smiled. "Yep, goodbye," he said and picked up his bag and walked to his car. I close the door and walked out to the backyard.