Guilt

Third Guilt: Waiting

When will I see you again? When will I get to see that bright smile of yours? When will I hold you in my arms again? I’m still waiting. I’m constantly waiting for you to appear in front of me telling me to come with you again.

“Avion, are you not going?” my sister barged into my room asking me again as she wears her black long-sleeved dress

“I’m coming,” I said as I walked towards her

“It’ll be fine,” she said as she tries to comfort me in the car, our parents reluctantly looking back at me with pity

I know one day we’ll see each other again. I’ll wait

~~~~~~

It has been 5 days since then. And I’m starting to wonder if I should really be here if I should really face them.

I just stared at her, her peaceful face, her gentle features, her flawless skin. Every inch of her is perfection. She was mine, she was the hand I’ve never wanted to let go, the hug I dared to embrace, the smile I longed to witness. She was my princess, my queen and she will always be.

“Avion” I looked back to see her mother, smiling at me but her eyes begged to differ.

“Aunt Griselle,” I said as she motioned me to a spare room, to their living room.

This room holds a lot of memories. This is where we would hang out during the times I visit, the place where we would just watch television with her family, the place where we would just sit around. I looked at the corner to see one of our photographs hanging by the wall. Her smile was as contagious as before that even a mere photo would make you grin.

“How- How are you?” I brought my attention back to her mother.

They both had the same heartwarming smile. As if nothing bad had happened, as if the world was not falling apart that very day.

“I’m fine” I said

“Avion please remember it’s not your fault” I heard her say

How can she still be so caring to the person who left her daughter? How can she be so accepting?

“Why?” I suddenly asked

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you not angry? Why are you still so glad to see me” I suddenly burst out

I left her there... I couldn’t reach for her hand, I let go even when I promised never to let her go. I killed her daughter. But why? Why? Why is it when I let go-- when I saw her drift away from me her smile was so warm. Why is it when I left her, her eyes were so-- happy?

“Why are you like this? Why!? I LET GO” I hate looking at her mother, not because of rage and hatred but because of the smile lurking on her face. I didn't deserve that smile….

"Because I knew she wanted you to" I grew silent hearing that from her.

"You can go to her room if you want to. I'm sure she wouldn't mind" her mother said as she left me standing in front of the huge staircase.

As I climbed up the stairs, different visions kept crawling back to my head. Different memories. The joyful laughter as we raced up to her room, the constant giggles as I tried to catch her swinging her off her feet. And I stopped.

In front of a baby blue door. A door where I feared if I opened would bring back memories and thoughts where I know that those are just what they are. Memories.

Hesitant to go in, I felt my phone vibrate from a text message I just received.

"Keep searching, you'll never know if they left something behind

Even though I'm shaking, I realized I needed to do it today, I needed to do it now. I entered the room. It was as she left it. Her books scattered on the table, Cabinet open, bed undone. I smiled as I remembered how I used to scold her for not cleaning her things.

As I went through her room, I can't help but search under the bed where she would usually leave things. And as I reached down my hands touched a cold surface. It was a notebook.

'Tomorrow Avion and I are going on a cruise ship! He was so excited. I've never seen him this hype about where we're going. He planned this trip for months, keeping me out of it. Promised me he would take me to a place where we'll both love. I didn't really care where it was as long as I'm with him.'

I paused as I felt tears slowly fall from my face. But decided to finish.

'With him, I'll go anywhere. I won't doubt anything with him. I knew he would keep holding my hand. The love he has for me is great but sometimes I wish he would think about himself. But if the time comes when he needs to let go I hope it's because of himself this time. I love you Avion. But I have this feeling that one day you're going to let me go and I just know when that day comes I'll smile when you do'

I couldn't stop crying after reading this. She knew. And she did as she said. But I wished she didn't. A smile for goodbye was more heartbreaking than a cry for betrayal.

"Wait for me, love. I'll be there" I whispered slowly as I left her room. Walking down the empty staircase onto the funeral room. I kept my head down as I walked right in front of her coffin.

I froze as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked back and saw her mother standing there. She held my hand and gave me a small smile.

"Maybe it wasn't a smile for goodbye but a smile for relief. She's alright now," she muttered

Then, I realized. As my tears slowly slide down from my cheek and my heart trying to fix itself up.

"I wasn't waiting to meet her again I was just waiting for someone to tell me she was okay"