Guilt

Every time I watch the clock the painful memories come back. The horrid day where I felt even more useless and alone. It wasn’t my fault but why did I stay? This is unfair “Denis son you haven’t had breakfast come eat,” My mother said Funny how they only care about you when you’ve experienced being close to death. How they embrace you in their so-called loving arms while they try to comfort you. How pathetic. “I’m not hungry, leave me alone,” I said as I raise the blanket up to my head hiding from her sight “Honey, it has been a week. Please stop” she pleads but I remained silent I looked out the window as I felt my mom leave the room. The sky was gloomy and dark, the rain came pouring down like that horrid night. How can they say that I should stop when every single day it reminds me. It’s unfair…. It’s unfair!! I came out of my room ignoring the greetings of my family, ignoring their pitiful stares towards me. I went out of the house not caring about the rain pouring down on me, soaking me with the cold water. I walked unconsciously, not knowing where to go but the urge to escape kept circling inside of me. I stopped as I realized I was in the middle of a bridge. I smiled as I watched the raging river underneath the stony bridge. How the water aggressively dances to the beat of the rain and how the wind blows the kiss of the cold rainy breeze. I can’t help but wonder, how they felt as the water was embracing them that night. How it shares his cold presence, how he gobbles them with such aggressive touch. It was unfair. How come I declined the offer of the ocean’s embrace? How come they were the only ones being held down by the waters? How come I lived? “Denis?” I was shocked to hear them. They were there standing not so far from me, extending their hands as if they wanted me to hold them. As if I hold it I could never let go again. “What do you want?” “It’s raining, come on let’s find shelter” I heard her say but I just ignored her at went back towards the gushing river below me “Denis your parents must be looking for you come on let’s go back,” the other one said “Look at the water. Don’t you ever wonder how it feels to be embraced like them?” I asked as I give them a small smirk but they just remained silent “It’s unfair, how come they get a hug while I remain cold?” “Denis!!” I looked back and saw my parents running towards me. “Little snitches,” I told them as I motioned back to my parents “Son, what are you doing?” I heard my dad asked I looked at both of them and gave them each a little smile. Funny how I can still smile despite my situation. I want warmth, I want to be free, I want equality “Dying,” I said before I lost the ability to see the cold world ~~~~~~~~~~~ “He’s physically fine but mentally. Not so much” I slowly opened my eyes, getting greeted by the bright light “Denis” I heard my mother say as she held my hand but I just looked at her with dull eyes. I looked around, it was only my parents and the doctor in the room with me. However, my gaze did stop on the table, a bouquet was there and immediately I knew they were behind this again, a small note was visibly seen. ‘Let’s not be afraid to tell them how we feel’ The doctor left me and my parents alone, my mom was beside me crying, while my father looked at me with disappointment but also angry “Why? Have we not given you everything Denis?! We worked hard for you! What was that? You survived so that you could kill yourself!?” He yelled at me, my mom was trying to stop him. I used to be so afraid of my father’s disappointment, his disappointed face always caused my pain but right now, looking at him with straight eyes. I don’t feel anything. I chuckled at his question causing the both of them to look back at me “Everything? YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!!” I yelled at him knocking over the things on top of the table beside me. “Denis-” My mom stuttered as she tried to hold me “You two have never been there! YOU WERE NEVER THERE! SO DON'T TELL ME SH*T BECAUSE YOU NEVER CARED!” I burst all the pain all the things I’ve held in my head just came out as I confront my parents “You tell me to stop, to be happy but how can I do that when I wasn’t even happy in the first place! I WAS ALWAYS ALONE” I emphasize the last 4 words I said to them. “You’re right dad, what was that? Why am I alive while they aren’t!? Why are they there and I’m here?! WHY?! IT’S F*CK*NG UNFAIR!!!” I Said as I threw the last thing on top of the table. The bouquet. All the flowers started to unravel as they fell. It scatters the flowers all over the room, as I remember ‘their’ faces. Tears slowly stream down my cheeks as I looked at my parents both crying in front of me “I was never happy. I was always alone, but how come I’m still here?” I slowly said I felt my mother holding my hand. This warmth, this hot sensation, “I’m sorry,” she said “I- never thought of you,” she told me as her tears burst out of her eyes “I never thought that you would feel alone. I thought if I gave you everything you would be happier” “I didn’t know,” She said as she held my hand tighter “Denis. It happened already” my dad suddenly said “It’s never unfair to be saved,” he said as he went near me and held my other hand “L-Let’s handle this together? “ I heard my mom say as she embraced me tightly This warmth from earlier. This hot sensation “Let’s face this with each other” It wasn’t the ocean’s embrace I was looking for, it wasn’t the guilty feeling for their loss I was looking for. I wasn’t looking to bring equality for this unfair tragedy. “You’re not alone anymore” I was just craving for them to embrace me. I was waiting for someone to hold me. Someone to tell me I’m not alone. I’m not alone.