Guilt

Second Guilt: Selfish

I stood there, looking at them individually as their parents decided to hold the ceremony together. I feel so selfish. How come I’m standing here while they’re laying over there.

“Don’t you want to see them?” one of their mothers asked me but I just shook my head

“I can’t” I whispered

“Nate, It’s not your fault,” One of them told me I just smiled at them and excused myself.

I looked around the house. It was our house. We were a group of 4 boys living under the same roof as our parents were always busy with their work.

I went to the living room, the whole house was still untouched, except for the room where they held the wake.

Our pictures, toys, games, they’re still here. The controllers were still messily placed on top of the shelf, the pillows were still on the floor from when we played video games.

~~~~~~

‘Unfair! Jack stop cheating!’

‘I'm not cheating Francis you just suck at video games’

‘You two are idiots’

‘Said the smart a*s Greyson’

‘You’re not any better Nate’

‘You four stop that! Come on, let’s eat I’m starving’

‘What did you cook Blake?’

~~~~~~~~

I start walking towards the kitchen as if I’m seeing the five of us doing all our sh*tty shenanigans

~~~~~~~

‘Curry? Blake, you can be a great husband’

‘F*ck you, Nate, I told you I’m going to be a chef’

‘Lucky we have Blake or else the four of us would die starving’

‘Why don’t you start learning then, Jack?’

‘I’m studying to be a doctor, not a wife’

‘Law is hard already I don’t have time to learn how to cook’

‘Greyson’s right, I don’t think our brains can handle cooking’

‘Didn’t know you had one Francis’

‘Ha-Ha-Ha funny Nate, as if Engineering was any better’

‘Hey but imagine once we graduate we’re going to be the best in our field’

~~~~~~~

I thought we were going to reach our dreams together? I thought we were going to show them that we were the best? I thought you guys were going to be the best Doctor, chefs, and Lawyers out there? Did I prevent you from doing that? D-did I ruin your dreams?

I slowly went up to the second floor, My feet grew heavier and heavier as I began to walk towards our room. Funny how the house had 7 rooms but we still decided to share 1 room. We were so attached and I just….

I entered the room, It was still the same. Our messy beds, our clothes on the floor, and hanging from the different sides of the room. Your books on your tables, your shoes everywhere. It’s all still here. But why aren’t you guys here?

“Nate? What are you doing up here?” I turned around and I saw Mr. Klarson out high school teacher

He was like a father to us, no he really was our father. Our parents couldn’t stay all the time, I remembered Mr. Klarson was the one signing our documents in the place for our parents, he was also the one coming to our meetings. He was always there for us.

I was about to leave as Mr. Klarson caught me when I suddenly got a message from my phone, it was from ‘them’

‘Sometimes we just need to tell someone what we’re going through to be better’

“Come on Nate, let’s go downstairs” He was about to leave when I suddenly spoke

“Mr. Klarson, I’m the worst friend” I suddenly blurted out

“Nate”

“I insisted that we go there for my Birthday. They even skipped classes to fulfill my wish but I-” I stopped as the tears came rushing down

“I left them all alone! I left them to die! I’m so selfish” I burst as I hug my legs crying on the floor in the middle of the room. I felt Mr. Klarson slowly walked up to me and sat beside me

“I could’ve saved them, I could have tried”

“And you could’ve died” He replied

“At least we were together”

“Nate, what do you think they would feel better? I know those boys and they would have wanted you to live”

“BUT I LEFT THEM! I selfishly saved myself” my voice started to lower as the tears continue to flow out

“You know I was supposed to follow you after right?”

“You were supposed to go there when the week was done”

“The boys gave this to me” he handed me a box

“They said if they brought it, they wouldn’t have been able to give this to you on the exact day,” he said as I reached for the box. The 4 idiots really left me with something, they gave me a gift.

“Life is forever a mystery Nate, Stop beating yourself. Your safe not because you were selfish, you’re safe because they wanted you to be” he said as he got off the floor towards the door

“Happy birthday,” he said before he closed the door

I slowly opened the gift. And the first thing I saw was a cassette tape. It may sound old but I really preferred cassette tapes rather than CDs. We have a cassette player in the room because of me, they always teased me on how ancient I was and I should start using DVDs or CDs.

I waited for it to load and as it started to play my tears once again streamed down as I see the video of the four of them inside this very room

“Hey, Nate! I still don’t know why you like cassette tapes instead of CDS, you're lucky it’s your birthday, or else I wouldn’t care” I chuckled at Jack’s remark

“Nate, I know we decided on a trip but It’s your 21st birthday we thought we should do something special” Greyson awkwardly said

“D*mn this is honestly corny, you’re so lucky you’re our friend” Blake added

“Well there’s no turning back now, can’t believe they convinced us to do this” Francis hopelessly said but then he suddenly turned back to the camera and smiled

My tears we once again on the verge of falling as I saw their faces and heard their voice again, their warm smiles both painful and bliss.

“Nate, we’ve been together for almost 15 years now, having the four of you has been a pain and a pleasure. I hope you reach your dreams and we get to stay together” Francis said in which the others follow through

“Nate, I’m not good at this but I wish you would not just succeed in your goals but also be happy in life,” Jake said

“Do you know how hard it was to make you leave today? You’re such a gullible person, I hope you learn to be strong alone. You won’t have us every day you know. And don’t trust so easily you might get hurt” Blake said as he smiled at the camera

“Dude, we might fight and tease each other a lot but I’ve never once regretted our friendship. Remember we’ll always have your back” I cried harder at what Greyson said

“Hey don’t cry while you’re watching this I swear we’re going to tease the hell out of you” Francis jokingly said

“Aim for your dreams okay? Never let those drag you down” Jack said as he waved his hand

“Nate, if we would separate one day” Blake seriously said as they all looked at each other

“Always remember that we’re always here” Greyson added as all of them smiled to the camera waving their hands until their hands turned into a thumbs up

“And We’ll watch you and cheer you on!” they yelled together as the video ended there.

I looked back inside the box and saw our picture together. It was our first picture when we were still in elementary school and with it a bracelet and a small note.

“Let’s never regret the day we became friends and catch our dreams”

This is when I realized, maybe I wasn’t selfish, maybe I lived not because they have to die but because one of us needs to fulfill our promise.