Riddle Me This
1138 Words
INT. ABSOLUTION ACADEMY HALLWAY - DAY
Seth stops in the hallway and slowly lifts his head, puzzled by what he sees. The corridor is empty, with just some voices and chatter coming from the classrooms nearby. He observes a hallway branching off to his right and another to his left. He tilts his head, blinks, and then makes a face.
SETH
What the--
SADIKI PI
OMEGA MALE!
Seth blinks and turns to see Sadiki Pi clonk out of a physics class, dressed head to toe in golden armor.
Sadiki Pi stood a few feet away from Seth, towering in his samurai outfit. His massive golden helmet featured two enormous, curled ram's horns that almost scraped the ceiling. In his hand, he held a golden scepter topped with a giant red jewel.
SETH
...Bruh!
SADIKI PI
Don't BRUH me, Omega male!
He does a dramatic pose while pointing at Seth.
SADIKI PI
As this period's hall monitor, I am going to test your intelligence! You will have to solve my fantastic riddle or face a horrific punishment!
SETH
Sadiki, give me a break, okay? I need to get to class. I'm late! And now there's a fork in the hallway when there wasn't one yesterday!
Sadiki stalks over to the spot right where the fork in the road occurs. He sounds like a calypso band the way his metal suit clangs and bangs as he moves.
Sadiki slams the bottom of his golden scepter on the ground, and a bright red flash pops from the jewel atop it. Seth winces against the light and then tries to shake off the glare.
SADIKI PI
You shoulda thought of that before running through the halls ten minutes after the bell rang, Omega!
He takes a different pose.
SADIKI PI
Now listen, putrid omega male, and listen good as I will not repeat my riddle! I am the guardian of the two paths. One path is the path of truth that will lead you to your geography class.
He holds his left hand out in the direction of the left path.
SADIKI PI
The other path is the path of lies, which will lead you to the freshman s*x ed class.
He holds his right arm out to the right path.
SADIKI PI
If you end up anywhere near the freshman s*x ed class, the troll who teaches it will grab you and magically infect you with clip-clop Chlymedia! Professor Vontrosen loves to use little truant hall dwellers like you as live-action demonstrations for his class!
SETH
clip-clop Chlymedia?!
INT- PRINCIPALS' OFFICE - SAME
RAHBEEM
What...THE HELL...is clip-clop Chlamydia?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Well, you learned about magic world drugs like Ecto and Pixie Dust, right? There's also a new crop of STDs introduced to Earth, too.
The look on Professor Roth's face was absolutely priceless. Diaz admired him for a second, then chuckled before he continued.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
It's a really nasty STD. Painful. Incurable. It leaves painful sores all over your body, and little vulgar flying pixies appear around your head every time you have a s****l thought and do this...
He stands up and starts doing rapid hip thrusts right next to Rahbeem.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Sometimes they even catch a rhythm and start getting into it.
Diaz continues doing the hip thrust while making a techno beat with his mouth.
PROFESSOR ROTH
(Very nervous)
Please stop.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Yes, let's return to Seth Bynum.
INT - THE ABSOLUTION ACADEMY HALLWAY - SAME
Seth's face turns stark white with fear as the halls and classrooms around him vanish in a sudden, harsh gust of wind. A vivid flashback of Mr. Vontrosen's nightmarish s*x ed class tears through his mind.
SETH
No! Please! Not Mr. Von Trosen! Anything but Mr. Von Trosen!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Mr. Vontrosen’s sinister laugh echoed as memories of s*x ed class dragged themselves out of Seth’s subconscious.
INT - ABSOLUTION ACADEMY s*x ED CLASS - FLASHBACK
Mr. Vontrosen's wooden pointer whistles through the air and strikes the white projector screen, where an image of a diseased s****l organ flashes across it.
MR. VONTROSEN
SYPHILLIS!!
The sounds of suffering echoed from the freshmen like a chorus of sparkling jingle bells. The 5ft 4 green troll, Professor Vontrosen, danced a waltz around his desk, feeling light and blissful at the humans' cries of disgust and agony.
MR. VONTROSEN
GONORRHEA!!
A new image of genitals dripping with this STD infection was now shown. The moans and sounds of distress from his students intensified. He cackles happily.
MR. VONTROSEN
And now, you little NASTY, HOT BOOTY...
He rolls his hips, mocking the humans.
MR. VONTROSEN
Dirty little motherfuckers get to learn about the magic world STD!
He spins around like a ballerina, the wooden pointer in his hand, as the projector screen lights up with a new image.
MR.VONTROSEN
(Throws his head back and arms out in jubilation)
Zippidee-doo-d**k!
The classroom erupts in shocked screams at an image of the magical world STD infection.
Seth, sitting at his desk, winces hard and tries to cover his eyes.
SETH
God, I can't handle this! Please make it stop! Please!
Vontrosen delights at Seth's pleading prayer.
MR. VONTROSEN
My classroom is where God has left you to SUFFER!
As the classroom's agony and nausea intensified, Vontrosen's demented face, with its bulbous nose, contorted further in laughter. But his sinister amusement was cut short by the sudden, loud commotion echoing from outside his door.
INT. ABSOLUTION ACADEMY HALLWAY- FLASHBACK
RICK ALDERBORO
Yeah, man, we're gonna do it big, son! Big things this year, I've got it all together. This party's gonna be crazy! I got these hoes coming down from--
The classroom door flies open and slams into the hall's wall. Mr. Vontrosen stands in the doorway, looking like the angry little goblin he is, with his eyes glowing white with madness and his tie billowing in the magical wind that flushes down the hallway.
Ricky and his crew freeze, shocked by the sudden appearance of the troll, but then they all start laughing.
MR.VONTROSEN
(With his class still freaking out behind him)
RAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
VonTrosen's short little legs twiddle with power as he rages out into the hall, jumps up, and grabs Ricky's neck with no words, taking him down like a WWE superstar.
HOMIE
Rick! Yo, wait a minute!
They try to grab Ricks' legs and rescue him, but it was too late. VonTrosen tosses Ricky into the classroom within seconds, leaving the door to slam in the homies' faces.
MR. VONTROSEN
CLIP CLOP CLYHMEDIA!!!
The homies bang on the door and yank at the knob, but their cries are useless. Through the smoky glass window of room 516's door, the silhouette of VonTrosen raising his wand and zapping a terrified Ricky glows in bright, beautiful pastels, lighting up the room with mystical energy.
- Writer
