The Last Guidance Counselor
941 Words
INT. PROFESSOR DIAZ'S OFFICE - DAY
Rahbeem Roth sprawls across the office chair like a man halfway through a breakdown. With his hands folded over his stomach, and head tilted back, his eyes were locked on the ceiling as it owed him answers.
Diaz scratches his neck, adjusts his lapel, and waits.
Rahbeem finally sits upright, elbows on the armrests, hands pressed together like he's about to confess something sacred.
RAHBEEM
-And Professor Allen Allens exploded because...?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
That black box on his skull? I installed it.
Allen Allens is a raging ephebophile, but he's also one of the greatest scientific minds in the underworld.
So I fitted his skull with a telepathic detonator. His body's rigged with explosives.
Whenever he gets excited-BOOM! No teens get harmed.
Rahbeem rubs his face like he's trying to erase it.
RAHBEEM
With all due respect, I don't think I can take this job. You just...do everything wrong.
Professor Diaz doesn't respond; he slowly rests his chin in his hand, looking somewhat grave as his eyes slide from Rahbeem to what looks like a student's exam paper on his desk.
Still not saying anything, he lifts the sheet of paper and shows it to Rahbeem. There was a very sad face drawn on it.
RAHBEEM
Isn't that one of your students' test papers? It's unprofessional for you to draw cartoon faces on your students' exams.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
This is Kevin Marbles' test paper, and he drew the face himself. I gave him 30 points for drawing me a nice picture.
He lays the paper down.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
...So adding 30 extra points to his exam means he managed to score...
Professor Diaz adjusted the thin glasses that were on his face.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
30 points.
Diaz looked up at Rahbeem's face, saw the disturbed look on it, and chuckled. The mortal suddenly looked much like the frowny face on the test paper.
RAHBEEM
Why are you like this?
Professor Roth's be-speckled face, which was usually quite refined, was twisted in puzzlement. Diaz smiles and shrugs.
RAHBEEM
So let me see if I got this right... You have a race war brewing in the demon hunter's school. You have a drug addicted child actor poppin' "ecto" in the boys' bathroom during class hours. And now you tell me you have what you know is a dangerous pedophile teaching high school students, and you fit his body with explosives so he can blow up and DIE in front of children?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Allen Allens is not "alive" in the sense you're thinking. He's more like a golem. He regenerates himself after about 20 minutes. That's usually enough time for any young man he might have gotten a hold of to get away. Even if they can't, if Allen Allens gets sexually excited again, it's boom boom, bye bye!
RAHBEEM
And you think this is a good idea?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Yes.
RAHBEEM
You're actually proud of yourself.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Well, you said I can't beat the children. So I beat the STAFF!
PROFESSOR ROTH
But you're still going to beat the children?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Yes. They're ugly.
In response, Rahbeem sighs and tilts his head up, looking up at the ceiling again. Diaz assumed this was some prayer ritual of mortals, maybe.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Professor Roth, I admit. I have no idea what I am doing as a teacher. That's precisely why I need you and your unique talents. You see what Vegas and Seth were trying to do in the Cryptobiology class. And I believe Christopher Robyn is the ringleader of this excursion.
RAHBEEM
My unique talents? You mean my CURSE. The one my baby mama inflicted on me.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Well, yes. The side effects of your impotence curse is an allergy to necromancy magic. And I need you to sniff out which of these delinquents has brought this forbidden magic into the school.
RAHBEEM
Look, these boys want to raise Eddie Bon Moon's sister back from the dead. Can I ask why you don't just let them do it if they can? I mean, it would kill two birds with one stone if you did.
RAHBEEM
This Eddie kid seems like he's mad at the other boys for the death of his sister. So if they can bring her back, maybe he will calm down a little.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
It's not that simple. Raising the dead is called "Godslaughter." It's a theft of divine power.
If performed here, it could rupture the veil between heaven and earth.
RAHBEEM
God s*******r? Ooh, that sounds vicious.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
It is. It's dangerous not only to the delicate fabric of this earth but to the balance between heaven and earth itself. It is a human essentially stealing the power of the God of Death, and you could imagine he would not be pleased about that.
RAHBEEM
Oh...but...
PROFESSOR DIAZ
We need you, Professor Roth. The world needs you! Besides helping me sniff out necromancy magic, we need a new guidance counselor and English teacher.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
The guidance counselor I had before you had one session with Christopher Robyn, had an existential crisis, and then quit teaching forever and moved to Cabo.
RAHBEEM
Wait, he made the last guidance counselor quit his job? What the hell happened?
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Don't be fearful, Professor Roth. Remember, even the tiniest fear can give the devil access to your mind.
PROFESSOR DIAZ
Anyway, Professor Tallowynn already had nervous problems. Chris just kind of pushed him over the edge...
Rahbeem looks mystified as he watches Diaz. Then his eyes turn away in thought as we go into a flashback.
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