Professor Tallowynn
1353 Words
INT. STUDENT COUNSELING OFFICE - FLASHBACK
Behind a honey-colored wood desk in a cozy, if somewhat cluttered, corner of the guidance counselor's office, DR. TALLOWYNN, a slender elf with bone-straight blond hair and pointy ears, is hunched over his paperwork, looking a bit overwhelmed as he searches his desk for documents that never seem to appear.
TALLOWYNN
You want to do WHAT in our magic school?
Chris, slumped into a chair in front of the desk, is already exhausted from this conversation, and he hadn't said a word yet.
CHRIS
(suddenly with a French accent)
Raise the dead. And stop making so much noise. I have a hangover.
TALLOWYNN
But WHY? Is it for vengeance? What did the dead ever do to you that you'd want to drag them back here to this GOD FORSAKEN dimension?
Chris finally sits up sluggishly. He grabs a cigarette from the pocket of his buttoned-up olive green shirt and puts it in his mouth.
He runs his finger over the skin of his thumb three times. On the third pass, he lifts his finger, and a tiny flame appears. He uses the flame to light his cigarette.
CHRIS
Cochon (Pig)! Let's talk about what's important. This whole f*****g school is actually a nazi death camp, yeah?
TALLOWYNN
What are you talking about? And you're slipping into that French accent again!
CHRIS
Bureaucrate! Tu ne veux pas me parler? Eh?
(Subtitles: You got a problem, FREAK?)
TALLOWYNN
No, E-Ethan...HELLO. I'm sorry it's been a while since I've seen you. They said the multiple personalities were a side effect of that bad car accident Chris had, and they had given him some nice medications that made you go away for good...
CHRIS (ETHAN)
(mocking grin)
Surprise! I am back, Cochon!
TALLOWYNN
So, I see. Last time we talked, you spent an hour shouting French obscenities at me. But maybe we can have a more civil conversation today, for Chris's sake?
CHRIS (ETHAN)
Imbécile! Démon ! Bête !
TALLOWYNN
(sighs)
Or maybe not.
CHRIS (Ethan)
There's nothing to discuss. I'm going to bring my wife back, and who is going to stop me? Toi?
TALLOWYNN
Chris--I mean, Ethan, I--
Tallowynn holds his head. He begins to babble incoherently under his breath as he shifts some papers around, searching for his "documents." He pauses as if he just realized something. Then presses his fingers to his temples again, squeezing his eyes shut, and shaking his head.
TALLOWYNN
Look, you cannot do this it's...
He winces and sighs. Puts his hands over his face. Mutters to himself an ever-quick pep talk. Pulls his hands off his face after he unleashes a small, muffled scream. Resumes.
TALLOWYNN
What makes you think you can do something like that? Huh? Where did you even get such a crazy idea? You must tell me
CHRIS
(shrugs)
I saw it on TV.
TALLOWYNN
What? Television?
CHRIS
(Pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and makes a halo with the smoke)
Beltrans show. Jesuex. He did it right? So can I.
Tallowynn stares at him for a moment, completely bent, and then he starts chuckling in disbelief.
TALLOWYNN
Jesus? That's where you're getting this idea from?
Tallowynn hangs his head and sighs. His long golden hair clapping over his face like curtains. Then Tallowynn grumbles to himself. He picks his head up only to start shoving papers around his desk again.
TALLOWYNN
No. Absolutely, NO! No! You will stop this!
CHRIS
Merde! Christ did it. Everything is fine.
TALLOWYNN
Ethan, Jesus is just a character from a book. He's probably not even real!
Chris gasped and looked at him incredulously.
CHRIS
Merde! Demon! SATAN! What do you mean he's not real? You're not real!
TALLOWYNN
Of course I'm real! I'm sitting right in front of you!
CHRIS
Cochon! You're a 6-foot-tall ELF, and you're trying to tell me that Jesus is not real?
Tallowynn screams out in frustration.
TALLOWYNN
(Opens his thin, gaunt arms as if presenting himself.)
You can see me, right? I'm real! I'm clearly part of reality! I exist! Have you ever seen Jesus Christ?
CHRIS
He's been dead for at least 100 years now! You know the story. After he freed the slaves and threw the tea into the water, the commies got him!
Tallowynn's head tilts to the left, and his eyes drift off as he ponders this.
TALLOWYNN
Commies?
He shakes his head and shuffles more papers around his desk while muttering about commies.
TALLOWYNN
Chris, I think I am starting to get what the problem is. Your illusions are starting to get the better of you. That's why you are having a hard time telling the difference between reality and a character from a book.
CHRIS
How do you know you're not just a character from a book? Maybe we're all characters out of someone's book, huh? You ever think of that, Cochon?
CHRIS
And since you're trying to diagnose me, let me tell you what your problem is. WHITE FLOUR. Stop eating processed food, merde! The government puts all kinds of toxins in the s**t you eat. That's why you're so f*****g jittery!
CHRIS
I bet if you were alone in a room with a naked woman, you would just quiver to death out of fear and confusion. You'd leave nothing but bubbles, blood, and Holly berries all over her bed. Imbécile! That would be the end of you!
TALLOWYNN
Chris, look. You perhaps need to see a new therapist that'll prescribe some medications that can BURN these problematic, albeit creative, ideas out of your mind.
Continues searching his desk for whatever paper he is eternally missing.
TALLOWYNN
Anyway, I have never met Portia, but I'm sure there are prettier girls out there, Chris. Handsome kid like you can get any girl you want. And apparently, you've had plenty of them in this school anyway, or so I've heard, even while Portia was alive.
Chris blows some cigarette smoke into the air as he leans in on Tallowynn.
CHRIS
Yeah? So what? I'm a red-blooded male. The media puts p***y in our faces 24/7 to train men to be disloyal. That way, the women don't trust us, and we spend all our time fighting them instead of fighting Rangwark.
CHRIS
Guess who the media works with? The Military! And who does the Military work for? The Government! And who is the government under? RANGWARK! The being that made this nazi death camp of a school. I have a chart...
TALLOWYNN
No! No charts, Chris!
Chris jumps up in a huff. He walks over to the large window in Tallowynn's office and looks out of it.
CHRIS
You demons would never understand anyway. That's what separates us from you. Clearly, people are replaceable to you, but they are not to me.
As Chris gazes out the window, the sunlight flickers-like headlights.
His breath catches. The memory floods in.
CHRIS
I didn't trust her. I don't know. Seth was in my ear about the whole thing, telling me I shouldn't trust black girls.
CHRIS
She overheard me and Seth talking... somehow. Then she got in a car and raced off, then....
CHRIS
I chased her. Ha! You know that was the first time I'd ever had to chase a girl. Something about it was fun in a weird way. Male primal instinct finally fought its way through the GMO s**t I'd been eating to make an appearance, I guess.
TALLOWYNN
The French accent is gone...is that you, Chris?
Chris turns away from the window and starts heading for the door.
CHRIS
It's my fault she died, so it's my responsibility to make it right. Diaz ain't stopping me.
CHRIS
Don't make a magic school if people can't do useful magic in it.
Tallowynn opens his mouth, but no words come.
But as Tallowynn is still speaking, Chris storms out, slamming the door behind him. The force of the slam is enough to make the desk shake, and a hard wind from the window blows all the paperwork off of Tallowyn's desk as he releases a shocked, elfish scream.
CUT TO:
- Writer
