Shattered

Insomnia claims me once again. I lay here motionless thinking back to how things used to be.  I miss you mom. I wish you were here. Trying to sooth my anxiety I think about what she always used to tell me when I would feel this way. She’d tell me to think about being in a forest filled with lilies and to breathe in the exotic scent for it had a way of calming me in the middle of a storm.  I turn on my side drawing the cover up to my chin thinking if I could only go back to yesterday. As a child I was always falling or just getting into mischief. At the silly age of 5  I thought I could ride my first bike without the training wheels. My mom watched me from the kitchen window. I sneakily  took the training wheels off making sure mom could not see me. For the life of me I don’t know how I knew how to do it but the wheels came off. Standing up I felt like I could take over the world. I got on the bike and started pedaling. I was feeling free until I turned my wheel sharply and ran into an oncoming bike. I remember the crashing noise like it was yesterday I started screaming to the top of my lungs. The other girl was screaming even louder. I recall mom running toward the collision. I could see her wiping her hands on her apron all the while I was whaling like no one's business.  Mom laid the bike down and we both were looking at my knee. It appeared to turn black and blue.  Mommy told me to turn my head. She told the other little girl to do the same. We both looked away at the same time at that moment  the girl grabbed my hand and we held each other tight.  Mommy took her warm hands and massaged my knee. I felt a tingling sensation as the pain went away. when I looked at my knee it was normal again. Mommy scolded me for riding away from the house but what she said went in  one ear and out of the other.  Thank goodness there was nothing wrong with the other girl. I learned her name was Alice. That day was the first day I met my best friend Alice and we became inseparable.  I found out Alice was spending the summer with her grandparents. We played together almost every day that we could then as quick as she came she was gone again because the summer was over.  We both cried, Alice being six months older than me was going into the first grade and I was going to  kindergarten. We made an oath as young as we were to remain friends for the rest of our lives. As time continued to pass mommy and I would meet up with her friend. Sometimes I was allowed to speak other times I had to remain quiet. I remember her friend being nice to me. He’d smile like he knew me, and mommy always was sad when we would leave him.  I loved how my mom and I would curl up in bed she would read from this big black book.   There were little stories about witches, warlocks and other people. At the end she would brush my hair from my face and kiss my forehead, I felt so loved.  When I turned eight I was at school we were told to bring something for show and tale.  I could not think of anything more exciting to bring but mommy’s big black book.  I didn’t ask her. I just took it without permission thinking it would be nice to read one of the stories since they were exciting and meant so much to mommy and me. When it became my turn to share my project I pulled the black book out my bag. Suddenly the  windows in the classroom closed and some papers flew from off the teacher’s desk. Everyone sat straight up in their seats. One boy asked if the book was magical. The teacher told the boy not to say such silly things and then slowly walked toward me. my heart started to beat wildly in my chest.  I hadn’t done anything wrong.  “She calmly asked where did you get this Emmy book?” I explained that the book was a family book and that mommy would  read from this book all the time. The teacher said as she turned towards the class. “It’s nice that Emmy has brought in a family heirloom but will have to move to the next student but she can bring the book back at another show and tale.” I felt sad and disappointed for no one got to see my show and tale assignment.  After class the teacher asked me to stay for a moment.  The teacher explained that it was not a good idea to bring a book like this for show and tale and to never bring the book back.  I became so angry the book fell from the bag and landed on a page it read “what you won't let me do today will come back to haunt you one day.” When I got home that day I tried to sneak the book back into mommy’s room before she could notice it was missing, but mama was waiting for me in the kitchen. I tried to hurry past her, but she wasn’t having that.   “Just a minute young lady.” “Hi mom.” I said hoping she didn’t ask about the book.  “How was school today Little Bird?” She called me by my nickname. I wasn’t in trouble yet I thought, hoping I would be able to get away with my little stunt.  “It was ok.” “Did anything happen that you want to talk about?” “No.” “Sit down at the table Emmy.” My heart started to race once again like it did when I was in school, but I did as I was told.  I set my backpack with the book next to me. As mom came to the table she placed two cookies and some milk down on the table. “Emmy you are never to take the black book out the house ever again do you hear me.” I bit into my cookie trying to figure out how she knew. She always knew when I did something I wasn’t supposed to do. Mom reached for the book from my backpack and placed it on the table in between us. Mom sighed and gave me a half smile. “Sweety this book is special. It’s only for us. No one else can see this book. It will be our secret Okay?” “Okay.” I perked up at the word secret  “Did anything happen at school that I should know about?”  “This cool thing happened where the windows closed on their own and paper flew around when I bought the book out. The teacher was mean and told me to not bring the book back ever again.”  “That’s okay because it’s our secret now and we don’t want others to know about it anyway. Next time come to me and we can think of something for you to bring in to show and tell together, but remember the book never leaves the house or I will know and I will be very upset that you broke your promise” She stood up and walked away with the book. I was relieved that she wasn’t mad, but how come the book had to be a secret and why could it never leave the house? Still laying here I enjoy thinking of the memories I have with my mom but it makes me realize how much my life has changed since then. Switching positions I now lay on my back and my mind again wonders back to the good times I shared with my mom. Alice and I were now 10 and 11 and we were on the sidewalk playing hopscotch when a black impala drove in our driveway. I saw the man get out he wasn’t the normal man mommy had special meetings with which was another thing that I was to keep secret. I  ignored this man and kept playing hopscotch..  Alice wanted to be noisy so we both ran up to the screen door and watched in amazement.  I had never seen my mom kiss anyone, especially this man.  Alice and I started to giggle as we did this. They pulled away from each other then mom  asked me to come into the house.  That usual feeling I got when anxiety was mounting washed over me.  I open the screen door with Alice right behind me.  My mom sat me down as the man stood next to her. I was skeptical of him.  “Emmy this may come as a shock but this is your father.”  Alice and I looked at each other and we had just talked about this a few months back.  I could not tell her who my dad was because I had never met him and now he stands before me in the flesh.  Mom tells me not to be rude and to say hi. The man walks towards me and then kneels in front of me.  I looked over at Alice who had a Kool-Aid smirk on her face. I extended my hand as I said it’s nice to meet you.  This man had big teeth, big dimples, his hair was a golden blonde color which reminded me of honey. He reached for my hand and he said Emmy it's nice to finally meet you. I sat there dumbfounded. Where did he come from and why now. Being ten it had been me and my mom all these years why did he have to show up now. I was unsure about how I felt.  Mom then asked Alice to go with her in the kitchen and prepare something to drink.  As they disappeared into the kitchen my dad asked how I had been, he asked about my grades in school, what my favorite color was, he even wanted to know what I liked to eat.  I answered not knowing why he was so interested in me. I wanted to ask where he had been all these years; but for fear of the truth I just answered his questions instead. He then told me I had older twin sisters.  That’s when he asked “how would I like to come to his home and spend the weekend with him and my sisters.” In utter shock I could not speak. I was thinking about what is really going on here.   Is mom really going to let me go with this stranger?  Before I could answer him Alice and mamma reappeared. They had a tray with drinks and cookies on it. Cookies always made me feel better after all mom always called me the cookie monster.  Alice and I sat silently eating cookies and drinking tea as this stranger and my mom talked as if they had known each other for ages, but if that was so why was I just meeting him now? Once I had eaten all the cookies I wanted and drank all the tea I asked could I go back outside with Alice to play. My mom looked disappointed that I wanted to leave, but gave me a soft smile and said go ahead your father will be coming back to see you again. Before I turned to precede outside I said it was nice to meet you mister. My mom corrected me and  said Emmy he is your father. You should address him as dad. The man patted her arm and told her it was alright, that it would take time for me to get used to him. He was right about that.  Alice and I talked about my father until the street lights came on.   We sat right between both our houses.  Alice’s mom and dad had just gotten a divorce so Alice was going to be staying full time now at her grandparents’ home. I was so relieved to hear this. I needed my best friend now more than ever. Although Alice was sad that she would not be seeing her dad as much. I was gaining a father.  I guess it could be okay, we would find out as time moved forward.  That night as mom was tucking me in she asked if I would like to go see my dad on the weekends. Afraid of disappointing her like earlier I agreed, but she knew well and sensed my hesitation. We talked about how it was only going to enhance my life and make things better and she wanted to make sure my dad would be able to take care of me in case something happened to her. She told me to try it before I made a decision. It was fair, but I kept thinking there was something missing, something she wasn’t telling me.  Time has really flown by. I'm in my second year of middle school. It is now winter time. I had been going to my dad’s house for over a year.  I would go because mom said it would be good for me even if I dreaded it mainly because I  hated leaving Alice, sometimes I wished she could go with me.  My dad lived two hours away so that meant Alice’s mom would not let her go. She always came up with an excuse why she could not tag along. Alice’s mom didn’t really like my mom for some reason, but that didn’t stop Alice and I. We were like two peas in a pod.  It seemed like when winter came both Alice and I both got our menstruation at the same time, two days apart.  Both our mothers sat us down and gave us the talk even though Ms. Jones wasn’t fond of my mom; they socialized when things were important like this.  As I got older mom and I spent more and more time reviewing and reading the black book. I realized there were more than just stories in there, but I couldn’t fully understand what the other stuff meant, but it didn’t matter because the book meant the world to my mom and therefore it meant the world to me.  I remember one time we went to the grocery store. As usual we picked up only what we needed. As we stood in line waiting to pay for our groceries mom pulled out a ten dollar bill.  She mumbled I thought I had more money than this.  When she was about to do a miracle of some sort she always told me to turn my head. She didn’t want me to see what she was doing.  When the clerk said what the total was, mamma handed her a fifty dollar bill.  I just looked at mamma and wondered how she did what she did. She laughed as the lady gave us the change and off we were grocery in hand. I don’t know how she would do things like that, it amazed me which is why I remember those moments the most.   Then one dreadful day mom got sick from a rare illness she called it The doctors couldn’t explain it as she withered away. I noticed when she got sick she changed, I don’t know what the change was, but I didn’t like it. It felt like something was off, but I never figured out what it was. Sadly mom passed one day without warning. I thought she had more time, but it would seem fate had other plans.