Midnight Sky

Chapter 12

"Did you already bring the things you needed?..." My mom asked while I'm securing my seatbelt.

"Yeah, I just bring my phone,charger,and some clothes..." I answered while trying to do my seatbelt. Umiling si mommy nang Makita akong nahihirapan. Lumapit sya sa akin at sya na Ang nag-ayos nito. I smiled a bit. Kahit pala Wala silang pakialam sa akin ay kahit papaano Hindi pa Rin ako minsan nakakalimutan Ni mommy. Bumabalik na din sya sa dating nanay na nakilala ko. It felt good knowing that I still have my mom on my side when everyone and everything doesn't want me.

Dalawa Lang kami Ni mommy sa sasakyan dahil nauna nang nagpunta sa bukid namin so daddy. May aasikasuhin pa daw Kasi sya Kaya nagpauna na sya. Habang NASA byahe ay sa bintana lamang ako nakatingin. Pinagmamaadan Ang mga kabahayang nadadaanan namin, mga batang masayang naglalaro, it feels like I'm not alone in this world. All I thought is I was all alone fighting my battles. Akala ko ako Lang Ang may problema sa mundong Ito at akala ko ay Wala na itong magiging sulosyon. But I was wrong. Madaming MGA taong nakikipagpatayan sa sarili nilang mga digmaan but still manage to smile and hide all the pain. Nakakikita pa Rin sila Ng bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa kanila para makalimutan pansamantala Ang problema.

Through out my whole life existence....I like to push people away.

I would tell them I am doing good. That I don't need their help because I can manage. That I can handle everything on my own. I don't need anyone to accompany me. I can do it, I can, right? I have to do it by myself because I don't want to be a disturbance. An inconvenience. A pain in the ass.

But there are also times when I want people to insist.....I want someone to stay no matter how many times I push them away. .....I want someone to tell me I can always count on them....... I want someone to be persistent enough......I want someone to see through me.....and realize that I need them. That I can't do it on my own...... That I am not as strong as I appear to be......... But I want someone to do it because they want to. ......Not because I asked them to.

"We're here!..." My mom said and I unbuckled my seatbelt real quick. I got my tote bag and put my glasses on since it's hot outside and the sun is hurting my eyes. I wore a simple white shirt with a tulip flower as a design and tucked it in with a black shorts and wore my Vans shoes. I let my short straight hair down and put my hat to protect myself from the heat that is coming from the sun.

Tanaw ko na Mula sa Malayo si daddy at Ang mga tauhan nya na naghahanda Ng aming kakainan. Naunang naglakad si mommy bago ako sumunod. Hmmm refreshing...

I immediately hug my dog pomerinian 'luna' when I saw her running towards me. This dog is really clingy to me. Mawala Lang ako sa paningin nya ay hahanapin agad ako. Kung saan ako,gusto nya sasama sya lagi. Binuhat ko sya at dinala sa loob Ng bahay na pinatayo Ni daddy. I grabbed her leash and leashed her.

Naglibot kaming dalawa sa bukid. We have a lot of animals here. Horses,cows,goats,pigs, carabaos, and chickens. I also have a lot of rabbits here since I love rabbits and also birds. Binitawan ko na Ang Tali Ni Luna at hinayaan syang tumakbo-takbo. Binuksan ko and Isa sa mga kulungan Ng rabbits ko. My lips forms a big smile nang Makita Kong nanganak na Ang Rex ko na rabbit. It's a rare color na Kung tawagin ay blue. All though the color looks like grey, sa rabbits they called it blue color.

Tumakbo ako papunta kila daddy habang nakangiti pa Rin Ng malawak at sinabi na nanganak na Ang Rex ko. My mom smiled at sinabi sa aking padedein ko na Ang mga Ito. Nang sulyapan ko si daddy ay Nakita ko itong nakangiti sa akin pero agad itong sumimangot nang makitang nakatingin ako sa kanya. I just shrugged my shoulder at patalon-talong bumalik sa aking rabbits. Nilagay ko Ang mga baby sa isang karton bago inilagay Ang kanilang nanay para mapadede nya Ang mga Ito.

Pinapanood ko Lang sila habang Hindi pa Rin maalis Ang ngiti sa aking labi. My dog, my rabbits, and my birds is my home. Makita ko Lang sila ay mawawala Ang pagod at problema ko.

Abala ako sa pagpapadede sa MGA rabbits nang may bagay na Kung ano Ang dumampi sa aking hita. Nang tignan ko Ito ay isang Tali na may butterfly na design sa dulo. It looks pretty. Kukunin ko na Sana Ito ngunit bigla itong gumalaw na akala mo'y may naghila.

Paulit-ulit kong inabot Ito at paulit-ulit ring may humihila hanggang sa makarating ako sa kabilang bahagi Ng bukid na Hindi na namin pagmamay-ari. Nagulat ako nang biglang may tumakip sa aking bibig. Naalarma ako at mabilis syang siniko bago iniikot Ang kanyang braso at saka sya tinulak padapa sa lupa. Dinagaanan ko sya at nginudngod Ang kanyang mukha sa lupa.

"WHO ARE YOU!?..." I asked habang gigil na gigil syang nginungudngod. Nang Wala akong nakuhang sagot ay tumayo ako at tinapakan sya sa likod. Nilabas ko Ang cellphone ko para tumawag Ng pulis nang bigla itong magsalita.

"L-L- Loreng!..." Napasampal na lamang ako sa noo nang marinig Ang pangalang iyon. Loreng.... Isa Lang Ang tumatawag sa akin nun. Hinila ko Ang kanyang damit Mula sa likod para mapatayo sya. He pouted his lips at mahinang humikbi.

Pinagpagan ko Ang damit nya bago sya niyakap. He's crying like a baby again. Agad nya Naman akong niyakap pabalik Ng napakahigpit.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?..." I said when I ended the hug. Nginuso nya Naman Ang hawak nya at nang tignan ko iyon ay Nakita ko Ang Tali na may butterfly na design na hawak-hawak nya. Ibig sabihin ba sya Ang may-ari nung bagay na iyon? Kaya nya ginawa para mapunta nya ako rito?...

"Waaaahhh!! Loreng!!..." Hinampas-hampas ko si Kyo nang walang anu-ano ay bigla syang umakyat at sumakay sa aking likod. Ang higpit Ng hawak sa akin. Nang bumaba na sya ay kinuha ko na si Luna. Inilapit ko sya Kay Kyo at agad naman syang lumayo. Takot...

"I-ilayo mo sakin Yan!..." My brows forrowed. Is he really scared to dogs? My dog is cute though. "Hindi ka Naman nya kakagatin..." I said bago dahan-dahang ibinigay sa kanya si Luna. Dahan-dahan nya Naman itong tinanggap.

Inosente syang tinignan Ni Luna. I smirked secretly. Alam ko na Kung ano Ang susunod na gagawin Ni Luna.

Lalong lumaki Ang ngisi ko mang Hindi nga ako nagkamali. Luna immediately licked Kyo's lips.

"Aaaahhhhhhh!!!..." Agad namang binitawan Ni Kyo si Luna at pinunasan Ang kanyang bibig.

"HAHAHAHHAAH!..." I can't stop my laugh anymore. Napahawak pa ako sa aking tyan dahil sa kakatawa. Tumakbo si Kyo para makahanap Ng gripong paghuhugasan nya Ng mukha. I followed him behind while still laughing uncontrollably.

"Plano mo Ito no!?..." He said while wiping his face with his bench towel.

I just shrugged my shoulder to piss him more. Sinamaan nya ako Ng tingin nagulat ako Ng bigla syang tumakbo sa direksyon ko. Tumakbo agad ako para makipag-habulan. Tawa pa Rin ako Ng yawa hanggang sa bigla nya akong dinamba. Sabay kaming napatumba sa damuhan.

Agad syang tumayo at tumakbo nang bigla nanaman syang dilaan Ni Luna sa mukha. I laughed hard again. I sat down and Pat my dogs head. "Good girl..." I said to Luna.

"Ikaw pala Yung magandang babaeng laging kinikwento sa Amin Ni Jah.." Kyo's step mom said, looking at me while smiling wide.

"Tita Naman!..." Saad Ni Kyo na Parang nahihiyang nalaman ko pa iyon. Wow. He's talking about me when he's with his family huh? Nagpakamot-kamot pa sa batok si Kyo habang nakangiwi. J smiled secretly. I thought no one will talk good about me. Akala ko puro panghuhusga Lang malalaman Ng iba tungkol sa akin. But this man prove me wrong. Ni Hindi nya ako sinaraan sa iba Di tulad Ng ginagawa Ng karamihan sa akin.

"Ako na hon..." Saad Ng tatay Ni Kyo sa Asawa nya bago kinuha Ang Plato at sya na mismo Ang naghiwa para sa Asawa. Nang matapos ay kinuha nya Rin Ang Plato ko at Kay Kyo at hiniwa Rin Ang aming Karne. His biological mom died for some unknown reason. Naging mistery pa rin hanggang ngayon Ang pagkamatay Ng kaniyang Ina. Nangako si Kyo na kapag nahanap nya Ang pumatay sa kanyang Ina ay ipapakulong nya Ito habang buhay. For some reasons, his words gave me chills. Natakot ako bigla sa Hindi ko malaman na dahilan. Dahil ngayon Lang nagbantay Ng Ganon si Kyo at Alam Kong seseryosohin nya iyong pangako nya sa kanyang Ina.

"Alam mo ija? Kahit gaano pa tumanda si Kyo he will still remain as a baby to me, to us..." Napangiti ako Ng marinig Ang mga iyon Mula sa papa Ni Kyo. Ang Saya sigurong mapunta sa ganitong pamilya. Kahit Hindi nya tunay na nanay ang step mom nya..... Masaya pa Rin sila... Na Hindi Ko man Lang naranasan.

Sometimes I asked what really the purpose of being a child to a toxic family.

I mean, toxicity is a serious situation that has different kind of source. Sometimes it came from a broken heart, a jealousy, a long hate, a comparison, or the common source is coming from our ancestors or our great grandparents. The issues and concerns in a family was or is still unheard because of silent treatment and of lack of knowledge on how to handle such things.

The root of toxic parenting or even the rebellion of a child is a result of unhealthy self. Unhealed self is one of the cause why we ended up hating someone or something— like our existence. The cancerous way is getting higher and higher until it destroys other peoples lives. We may be a victim but the true and first victim was our grandparents.

What the world can offer in those passed years is different from today's generation. They may have lack of understanding about mental health or still denial of the reality and of differences but the root and veins of traumatic situation can lead a person to something they don't imagine they can be. Someone changed their minds to something we barely recognized for them to have walls and locked doors and windows— for their safety and security. Someone also get paranoid of what is happening in their environment but too silent when it comes to their needs.

We have so much differences as human and as a child, a mother, a father or a grandparents. We sometimes didn't want to explain ourselves but we gently want someone to recognized us even if we're to hard to explain. We sometimes get hard on ourselves, to anyone and even to the point of being human— but it does not comprehend what we really are as child of a toxic parent. Sometimes it will lead the children to depression and hurt there selves just like what happened to me.

"Bye po! Sa susunod ulit!!..." I said while waving my hand goodbye to them. Malaki Ang ngiti ko nang makababa Ng kanilang sasakyan. Sa kabilang Kanto Rin nila ako hinatid katulad Ng ginagawa Ni Kyo.

"San ka galing kanina?..." Napalunok ako Ng marinig Ang seryosong boses Ni Daddy.

"M-may Nakita Kasi akong kaibigan ko.. N-nagkayayaan kami mag-mall k-kaya ayun..." I rubbed my hands to ease me nervousness. Makahinga ako Ng maluwag Ng tumango na lamang so daddy at sinenyasang akong pumanaog na pataas.

When I got inside my room... I immediately change my clothes to pajamas and let myself rest in my bed.

They say that in life, you have to listen more to yourself. But that does not mean at all times. Because we are people sometimes we lose control. Our emotions go beyond the lines, our words slip without a second thought, and our vision sometimes lose focus. It’s good to disregard certain opinions but not all of it. At certain situations in life you still need to listen to what others say. Because sometimes, since they’re outside the nutshell you’re in, they can see things you can’t. Sometimes they have a clearer and bigger view of the picture.

Sure, too much opinion from others is distracting. But at certain situations in life, you still need people who are outside your chaos to remind you not to let yourself drown in it.

Napapikit ako Ng mariin. Lumaki ako Ng Walang kaibigan. I want someone to treasure me like a diamond. Gusto ko Rin magkaroon Ng masasandalan sa tuwing hirap na hirap na ako but how? I don't even know how to interact with people. I have trouble on speaking in public. My introvert ass won't let me have friends. I don't know how to keep a friendship too.

I sighed deeply.Am I really the problem? I really think so, too. When people show me that they get interested in knowing me, I usually get scared that they might not end up liking me; that they'll suddenly get disappointed in the person I ought to be. I often think that they'll leave once they know the real me; that I end up showing a facade instead of being genuine. I know that the right people will love you for who you are, but I really don't think it will work for me.

I am this person who thinks that all the happiness in the world isn't for me. Yes, I am that sad of a person. Crying myself to sleep is a daily routine. Overthinking is a skill I can't stop doing. And I hurt myself by creating fake scenarios where I was there smiling, laughing, and happy, where in real life I would never be any of those.

Now, do you really think, someone out there will love someone like me? I think I am the problem. I sabotage everything, including the chance of being loved. Perhaps, this is my curse.

I may look strong, but believe me I'm tired.

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