Chapter 4
709 Words
Dear diary,
This is my effort to leave something behind where I'm the real me. When i was a child, i felt like nobody really understood me. I just couldn't connect to anyone on an intellectual level. My whole life I've just felt so far from everyone. Its not like I'm physically alone. Friends and family seem to flock to me because I'm approachable and "genuine". Fake is the only word that comes to mind when someone tells me that. My intentions behind everything i do is something people could never see. They see this man who makes all these foolish life choices but they cannot see that there's a bigger picture here. There's a seed planted in every relationship in my life. It seems to be this mechanism within myself where i seek out people as damaged as i am. Planting my seeds for growth in them that i hope to see. It was always so easy to see through the facades that people show when they hide from their demons. In all reality, they wear them on their sleeve and their face every day. Trying so hard to hide from it that it becomes obvious. At least to me it is. I'm actually quite used to being underestimated and prefer it. Its been my philosophy that being the smartest man in the room is being able to play a game that other's lack the intelligence or depth to play. For me, I see a persons weakness and i simply set things in motion for them to examine it. The things people have done to either escape or cope with their demons staring them in the face is quite intoxicating. The thing that i find hilarious is when the hypocrisy shows through. It's a truly beautiful thing to see someone betray their beliefs and look at themselves into the mirror. You would think that they would run from it but most simply try to justify their hypocrisy. The ego is a very interesting thing but it's extremely predictable. It's not like I aspire to hurt people by making them face their pain. It's not like I'm the one causing it. I've always just been that man holding the mirror. Some have seen enough to do right for themselves in that situation until they move on to do what's best for them. Others were more predictable and held onto their self destruction. People often wonder what i get out of all this. This is my immortality project. Although they may never know that I'm the one who taught them, i simply introduce a seed to each person to make humanity a more mindful breed. They may hate me, they may love me, but what i fear is that no one will ever really understand me. More often than not, it hurts me to my core to know everything I've spent my whole life creating will fade away into obscurity. Once, I had a discussion with a stranger on a philosophy of immortality. There are 2 types of people: the Albert Einsteins and the Albert Einstein's best friends. Both men are undoubtedly great in history. The question thats philosophical here is: Do we as humans need credit for our deeds? If we truly do need credit, what does that say on a systematic level? It is my belief that if humanity always seeks that credit or notoriety, that humanity cannot have a concept of love. Its logical to say that love is an act of selflessness and compassion. If love is treated like a currency with everyone, this plague will spread through the hearts of the many. I too am not immune to these natural desires for others to give. Unlike most though, i don't expect it. I've spent my life giving to others and studying people. My happiness will come with the day that a single human fails to disappoint me. Maybe it's wrong to crave people to see who i really am underneath. Part of me feels that if enough people knew, i would have to throw in the towel on my life's work. One person will be enough. Maybe someone will be smart enough to see me. For now, they're all just pieces of my puzzle.
Mark
- Writer
