Coming from Nothing

The Past

Marie: “Good Morning Nate! How are you feeling this morning?”  

Nate: “Different. I actually did my homework this morning (chuckles)”

Marie: “That is wonderful! You have been in therapy for 2 weeks now, but you decided to do your homework and I am proud that you did! Would you mind sharing what you wrote in your first journal entry?”

Nate: “(looks out the window at the beautiful blue sky) For the first time… since I can remember….I feel clarity. I feel like I am more than what I am destined to become. Then the sorrow comes in and drowns out the hope. That is when I feel like shooting up.”

Marie: “That was very powerful. It sounds like you are struggling with yourself and in one breath you want to stay clean but in another you want to use again. Is that correct?”

Nate: “Yeah. Something like that.”

Marie: “I heard you say that you’re more than what you’re destined to become. Can you tell me what you mean by that?”

Nate: “(shrugs shoulders) I guess I mean that I come from nothing so I will be nothing in my life. I have no idea who my biological father is because he did not want me. He left my mom when she found out she could not abort my ass. My mother was clean for the first 2 years of my life then she got addicted to meth and cocaine. I was taken from her when I was 4. She said she would always come back for me, but she ended up OD’ing when I was a teenager. I was adopted when I was 5.”

Marie: “What was your adoptive family like? Do you have a strong relationship with them now?”

Nate: “No. (smirks and rolls his eyes). They reminded me every day, every time I misbehaved that they saved me and if it were not for them, I would not have anything. They always told me that I came from nothing, but a loser drug-addict mother and I would be just like her if I did not listen to them perfectly. So, f**k them. If they are going to talk s**t on me might as well, make it f*****g true.”

Marie: “That sounds like you had a tough childhood. Did you live with them until you turned 18?”  

Nate: “Technically until I was 16 almost 17. They got sick of drug use that they sent me to this treatment center in Sedona and they left me to rott in there until the day I turned 18. I left that f*****g place and moved here.”

Marie: “That must have felt like abandonment, sending you more than halfway across the country for almost 2 years. Can you tell me what that was like for you? Did you reach out to them after you left the treatment center?”

Nate: “f**k no. I was like duces and left them behind. I will never talk to them again. In this world I have me, myself, and I and I aint got nothing else.”

Marie: “You said you only have you, yourself, and I and nothing else. Do you know that you almost died from the drugs? If you have nothing but yourself, why would you want to harm yourself?”

Nate: “I am not harming myself. I am making myself happy. We all die. You will die. Your husband will die. Your kids will someday die, hopefully after you die. The president will die. We cannot live forever. Vampires are just part of the 5D and were not on that level yet.”

Marie: “Can you tell me how the drugs make you happy?”

Nate: “(becoming irritated) Look….(rolls eyes)…It takes away all of my f*****g pain and misery. It tells me that I am not a f*****g useless waste and that it needs me. I feel it in my veins first and then I feel relief from my pain for a little bit anyway.”

Marie: “You said you feel relief from pain. What does that pain look like for you?”

Nate: “(starts to cry) all the f*****g failures and let-downs. My real parents did not f*****g want me and the people who bought me they only bought me for a pity story so he could win sheriff. I am nothing but everyone’s f*****g pawn. (starts to scream) WITHOUT THE HEROIN, I AM f*****g NOTHING!!!!!!!!”

-Nathan takes his journal and throws it across the room, before starting to cry.

Marie: “Nate, you are something. You were almost dead but you are here now…you have a purpose and I can see that you are a kind person.”

Nate: (interrupts) “you don’t f*****g know me, and I am not a kind person I am an evil bastard child.”

Marie: “I am sorry if I upset you by stating what I saw and felt. I think it is a good time to stop for today. I hope that you will feel encouraged to write more in your journal (picks up the notepad and hands it to him) and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

Nate: “yah, whatever.” (storms off)

-        After about 2 hours, Nathan was calmed down. He took his headphones out of his ears, got up out of bed, and walked over to his desk. His desk was in front of a big window that overlooked the small community garden. Nathan sat down on the office chair and stared off into the outside world and shortly after he picked up a pen and began to write into his journal.

“I have moments…where I feel like I can make a difference in this world. It is beautiful and I want to preserve it. I look around and I see happy couples, getting married under a gazebo. I look around and see a father teaching his son to ride a bike. I see a college student starting their internship at their dream job. Then I stop and I am reminded that I do not deserve any of that. That is only for deserving children who were wanted. I was not wanted. I am the devils spawn. I was created from hate and evil. I will only bring evil like my parents set before me. All the pretty things turn to disaster. A life in the criminal justice system. A deathbed waiting for me after using 20 cans of Narcan. I want to prove them wrong…but I am only destined to fall flat on my face.”

-        Nathan looked at his journal entry and started to scratch it out. He got up and went back to the bed and put ear buds back in playing hard metal rock music. That was the only music he listened to, as his heart was screaming inside. Nathan fell asleep and woke up around 2:00 am. He began shaking and starting to sweat. He got up and started pacing back and forth. He swiftly walked over to his journal and began to write.

“I am fine when I sleep. Until the monster comes creeping in. Hes telling me I need to get some H or he will kill me. I tell him no, no, no! He starts to torture me with his pitchfork. I begin to sweat and feel sick and he does not stop. I need to get out of here. I need to find a way to escape and go back to my dope man for another gram. Just 1 gram and I will be fine again and he will save me, protect me. I am stuck here in 301. I think they want me to die and I think that might be okay.”

-        Nathan dropped his pen and notebook. He pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his head between them. He started rocking back and forth, back and forth. Before he knew it, breakfast was being called.