Coming from Nothing

Identity

Marie: “Welcome back Nate. I hope you are doing well this morning”

Nate: (throws Marie his notebook) “read it”.

Marie: “Are you sure, you want me to read this? I will only read it if you really want me to.”

Nate: “Yeah, I don’t know why else I would give it to you. Duh.”

Marie: “Okay…please give me a few minutes.”

-Nate stands by the window and stares out to the outside world.

5 minutes later….  

Marie: “Nate, this is really good progress. I know this must have been hard for you but you did it. Part of getting better is getting through the sickness. When someone needs surgery, they are usually in pain and they have to go through the pain of the surgery and the recovery. However, once they go through it, they are beginning to heal and get better. Eventually the pain is gone and they are better. That is kind of what you are going through but emotionally, in your heart.”

Nate: “Why can’t it be easy?”

Marie: “I never said it would be easy. Just remember, you got through it and if you did it once, you can do it again. I really believe you can recover from this. I believe that you can do anything you set your mind to do.”

Nate: “Yea, that’s what you tell everyone. You’re paid to tell me that bullshit.”

Marie: “You told me yesterday that your family sent you to rehab when you were 16. When did you start using any type of drug?”

Nate: “(walks over to the couch and sits down) Well, I started drinking alcohol at about 12. Then I smoked pot around 13. Then I started oxys when I was about 14, after my surgery. Then I want to say the oxys did not give me the same effect and my dealer told me to try H. I think I was almost 15 at that time.”

Marie: “When did your parents learn about any of the drug use?”

Nate: “They started noticing when I was about 14. I couldn’t hide it anymore or at least I thought I could hide it but not so good.”

Marie: “You mentioned you started Oxys after your surgery. What kind of surgery did you have?”

Nate: “I was a baseball player and I tore up my pitching arm really bad. I had to have surgery on it. I honestly do not remember much details from it because I was getting high to numb it.”

Marie: “You liked baseball and played as a pitcher?”

Nate: “I mean, my parents made me play a sport. Baseball was the least dumb.”

Marie: “so, you didn’t have a choice, you had to play a sport? What would you have rather done?”

Nate: “They really wanted me to play football but I hate that sport. I’d rather been in art or spraying graffiti off some old ass building. Hey, at least I got the f*****g girls being a jock.”

Marie: “ I am sorry you were not allowed to express yourself in school. What else did you not have control over in school? What was school like for you?”

Nate: “My parents always picked my electives. I had to get f*****g perfect grades but I’m not perfect. What was school like for me? Haha. It was an escape from hell but it was still hell. It was a less hell than hell itself. Then in Junior year I was shipped off to rehab where I had to complete virtual school which by the way is dumb as f**k!”

Marie: “You told me a lot of negative things about school, can you tell me anything positive about school?”

Nate: “Aprendi a hablar mi  lengua materna de espanol.”

Marie: “Learning Spanish, was important and a positive thing for you. You said it is your native language…can you tell me more about that?”

Nate: “Before my adopted parents changed my name to Poloski, I used to be Gomez. My mom came from Brazil. I remember hearing Spanish growing up and speaking a few words, but I was removed from the home when I was 4. English became the only language I knew and when I was shipped to AZ, I took Spanish. It made me feel like I was home even if my home was not healthy.”

Marie: “When you say your home was not healthy, what do you mean by that? What do you remember about your home with your birth mother?”

Nate: “garbage on the floor, covering the floor. Different men coming and going. Empty beer bottles on the ground. My mom was often passed out on the couch or the floor. My bedroom was in a closet and It was just a bunch of pillows thrown together. Bugs, crawling on the floor. It was home though. It was where mi madre was and its stupid but it was safe to me even if it wasn't safe."

Marie: “It sounds like you are learning who you are. You did not have an identity for so long, and you are just starting to uncover it. Whatever happened growing up, or with your adoptive parents does not define you. Just because your madre did drugs, does not mean you are destined for that. I hear a young gentleman who is proud of his Hispanic heritage and embraced the language. I hear a young man who is creative in his artwork and writing. Those items are part of your identity, not who your parents are or how you grew up. For tomorrows homework, I would love for you to journal things that you enjoy that you would say are part of who you are, your identity.”

Nate: “If my past doesn’t f*****g define me then why do you keep bringing it up and asking about it?”

Marie: “Your past will always be your past, Nathan. You can choose to not make it part of your future or present and you can choose to not let it define you, however it will always be there. We need to dig in the past to understand where youre hurting and what you need to move forward. I need to hear your story, your Narrative, to be able to put the past to rest. We should not harbor on the past, but we should not resent it either. The past can be a dark place, but it can be a place where a lot of lessons are learned, and a lot of good things come from it. Just think, in 6 months from now this moment will be part of your past. We learn from our mistakes and sometimes bringing up the past is important to remind us to not make those same mistakes, even if they are difficult to face.”

Nate: “All I have learned is that I am nothing and will always be nothing. I came from nothing and will remain nothing because I am not loved by anyone. If I were to die today you know how many people would care about me? None. Not one f*****g person.”

Marie: “I would care Nathan. I would be hurt if you were to die today. I feel like you have a bright future ahead of you and that you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it. Your moms past does not dictate your future. You are not thinking of killing yourself or harming yourself are you?”

Nate: “NO! I was trying to make a god damn f*****g point.”

Marie: “Okay, that is fair. I just wanted to make sure you are safe. Your life is important even if you do not think it is right now. Mark my words Nate, you will come visit me in the future, maybe 10 maybe 20 years from now or longer and thank me for that.”

Nate: “Whatever. (Gets up, and heads back to his room).”

-        As Nate is heading back to his room, he stops and decided to walk down to the rec room. This room is often used for puzzles, playing board games, and other activities that are social. Nathan has avoided this room for the last 3 weeks, because being around other people is difficult, but maybe it was time to find who he is, his identity.