Change of Heart

Kabanata 14

Ride

Kinaumagahan ng araw na iyon ay tinanghali na kami ng gising. Panay naman ang reklamo ni Alisha sa kanyang hang-over at halos magwala siya ng kinuwento ko sa kanya ang mga pinag-gagawa niya kagabi. Tinubuan din siya sa wakas ng hiya.

"Argh! Hindi ko na alam kung anong mukha ang ihaharap ko, Belle! Nakakahiya!" Reklamo niya at halos maiyak.

"Sana naisip mo yan, bago ka uminom ng marami. Bakit ka nga ba uminom ng marami? That's not your hobbit, Alisha. And don't you dare do it again. Iiwan talaga Kita." Banta ko sa kanya.

"I'm sorry! I was just carried away. I felt like I want to drink and get drunk." Aniya at hinilot ang gilid ng mga mata. "I lost myself after, I can't remember the other details pero base sa huling naaalala ko. I said some things I shouldn't have said. Argh!" Sigaw niya at muling ginulo ang buhok.

"Kasalanan 'to ng alak." Paninisi niya pa.

"Kasalanan mo, hindi ng alak. Hindi naman sinabi ng alak na uminom ka. Tss." Natatawang aniya ko.

"Belle naman eh!" Iritadong sambit niya. Samantalang inirapan ko naman siya.

My mother called me after that day. She knew I attended Nates birthday party. My father told it to her. She also asked me if we were dating or if I was dating someone. I almost laughed at what my mother said.

"Ma, sinabi ko naman po na hindi ko nga po siya manliligaw. Kaibigan ko lang po. Kaibigan." Pagdidiinan ko pa.

"Kaibigan pero, gusto ka?" Natatawang sambit ng aking Ina. "Huwag mo ako, Bellephine. Papunta ka palang, pabalik na ako. I saw how that boy look at you. Kaya hindi mo ako maloloko."

"Fine! Sinubukan niyang manligaw pero binasted ko kasi ayaw ko sa kanya." Iritadong sambit ko.

"Bakit? Are you still not over with Red? Is he still bothering you in school?" tanong niya.

I sighed and closed my eyes tightly. "Ma, he's not bothering me. I'm bother by his presence." I said seriously.

Aniya ko dahil totoo naman iyon. Red was obviously fine with me, ako lang naman itong hindi siya pinapansin at umiiwas. Because, this is the only way I know how to be okay somehow in the almost every day meet up at school. How I wish the days would speed up so we don't have to see each other every day, and I dont have to pretend that I'm okay every time I see him, more so when his girlfriend was with him.

Aaminin ko, I still can't move on from him. Maybe I feel like Im getting used to the fact that were not the same Red and Belle anymore. I'm getting used to see him with someone else. It even crossed my mind to look for a rebound, but then I also do not want to hurt the feelings of others, at ayaw kong dagdagan ang problema ko gayung may mas kaylangan akong pagtuunan ng pansin, kagaya ng problema ko sa pinansyal, sa aking pamilya, at para sa aking kinabukasan.

I heard my mother sighed on the other line. "Huwag mo ng isipin ang lalaking yun. Matalino ka. You know your worth. You deserve a better man for you. He's not that man. He's not worth it." Aniya na nakapagpatahimik sa akin.

Those are the words that comfort me. The thought that I deserve someone better. Someone who knows my worth, knows the true meaning of love, and knows how to stand by his promises, na hindi Kaylan man magmamahal ng iba, ako lang, at wala ng iba.

I want a man who is loyal, the one who can give me peace of mind, the one I don't have to worry about wherever he goes or whoever his with. Even if he’s not that handsome. Bonus points nalang iyon. Basta ba loyal at… totoo.

"How 'bout that Lorenzana boy?" Muli ay tanong niya.

My eyes widened. "Ma!" Saway ko sa kanya.

"Bakit? Anong problema? I heard so much about them from your father. I haven't seen that boy yet but I know his parents. Hindi ka ba nililigawan?"

I almost gasped at my mother's words? Nililigawan?!

"Huwag niyong pag-isipan ng ganyan si Ali, Ma. Magkaibigan po kami." Nakakunot na sambit ko. “And why are we talking about this? I thought you wanted me to focus on my studies, and not think about my love life.

"Ali? So that was his name? His name screamed royalty from a Disney movie." My mother chuckled on the other line. Ignoring the last thing I said.

Inipon ko ang hangin sa baga ko at marahas na nagbuga ng hininga. Kung ano ano nalang ang iniisip ng aking Mama. Hidni ko alam kung matatawa ba ako sa sinabi niya o sisimangot. Hindi din naman iyon nakaka-insulto, she’s was actually stating a compliment. From a royal family huh? Pwede na, for describing a wealthy man like him and from an old rich family as well.

"Akala ko mahilig kalang makipag kaibigan sa mga gwapo, buti nahiligan mo din na idagdag sa preference mo ang mga mayaman." Dagdag niya.

"Ma! that's not it!" Iritado nang aniya ko. "It's not because his rich! It's just a coincidence! We just met days ago. I don't really know the man."

But she didnt seem to hear me as she continued with her unbridled and embarrassing words.

"Buti nalang talaga at anak kita, kaya maganda ka. Hindi ka na mahihirapan maghanap ng lalaki dahil marami mamang nagkakagusto sayo."

Pati ba naman 'to? My mother is crazy!

Ma! Why are we talking about this? Do you want me to find some handsome rich guy or sugar daddy perhaps! Mas matanda ng ilang taon sa akin yung tao.” I said irritably while my mother laughed loudly on the other line.

I groaned. “Mama, seryoso po. The man is older than me. And” Natigilan ako ng may maisip. “Hindi ako bagay sa kanya.” Mahinang bulong ko.

Natigil ang tawa niya sa kabilang linya. “Anong ibig mong sabihin na hindi ka bagay sa kanya? Are you looking down on yourself just because they’re rich and youre not anymore?” Rinig ko ang tabang sa tuno ng aking Ina. Pero hindi ako sumagot. “Bellephine, hindi nasusukat ng pagmamahal ang yaman na mayroon ang isang tao. Higit pa ang kapangyarihan ng pagmamahal sa kahit na anong bagay sa mundo. Hindi mo ba iyon alam?”

Muli ay hindi ako nagsalita. Alam ko naman iyon pero hindi ko maiwasan na mapa-isip. Compared to what Ali has and to who he is, I would say that he’s far away than what I am and have today. I'm just a student, but he has already proven something. My family used to be rich but not as rich as them. And compared to all those men I met, maliban kay Red at Nate; Ali's appearance was way better looking than them. Mas bagay sa kanya, iyong kasing level niya, hindi yung mga babaeng nasa lebel lang ng ganda ko, at ni wala pang napapatunayan sa sarili.

“Let’s not talk about this ma. Kaibigan ko lang din po si Ali. Walang namamagitan sa amin. Kung meron man, kaibigan lang. At siguro…may girlfriend na yung tao. It's impossible for him to not have a girlfriend, having such look.” Aniya ko dahil naisip ko din iyon kagabi.

I am actually wondering if he could have a girlfriend. Whoever his girlfriend is. She is lucky because Ali is a good guy. I saw that last night. Maybe, women like me will be jealous of whoever his girlfriend is. She catches an almost perfect man. Almost because I dont know him that much, and because no one was perfect. Heavenly Father created human being equally. For sure, he has flaws, he has weaknesses too, like everyone else.

Hindi ko na pinahaba pa ang usapan namin ng aking Ina. She looks very fine for me dahil nagawa niya pang makipag biruan sa akin. Hindi siya ganuon, nung nandito siya sa aming bahay. Lagi siyang nakasimangot, laging galit, laging iritado, but based on her tone. I can say that she was happy, maybe because finally, she was able to work again, unlike before when she was always here at home, taking care of us while waiting for my father’s money to be sent.

"Belle, hatid na kita." Aniya ni Seb ng ambang tatayo na ako sa aking upuan. Nasulyapan ko naman ang pagkunot ng noo ni Alisha.

Actually, maaga ang dismissal namin, wala kaming pasok ngayong alas dos dahil may emergency meeting ang mga teachers.

"Bakit mo ako ihahatid?" Natatawang tanong ko sa kanya.

"I mean, uuwi narin naman kayo edi sasabay na ako. Maglalakad lang kayo diba? Sabay na ako sa inyo." Aniya.

"Are you sure? Nag-usap na ba kayo ni Set? How ‘bout Sabina... kumusta kayo?" Tanong ko.

Bigla ay nawala ang ngiti niya. Pero sa huli ay tumango siya at umiling.

"Ano ba talaga?" Natatawang tanong ko.

"Set and I talked but we're not okay. He's cold to me. Si Sabina naman, iniiwasan ako."

Napabuntong hininga ako sa sinabi niya. "Don't worry. Don't lose hope. Magkakaayos din kayong tatlo. Trust can't be restored, but they will learn how to forgive eventually. And we must learn to be content with what they can give ... for now." Pang-aalo ko sa kanya.

Napabuntong hininga siya at tumango saka ngumiti sa akin. "Thank you. You really make me feel better. I hope there are people like you. Iyong may pakialam sa kapwa. Yung marunong makiramdam sa nararamdaman ng ibang Tao." Aniya at lumingon sa mga kaklase namin. "I guess you're the only one who notices. Halos lahat sila...parang wala lang."

Umiling ako sa sinabi niya at nagkibit balikat. "Maybe... Pero, ang hindi mo alam, napapaisip din ang mga ‘yan. Hindi lang nila sinasabi, hindi kalang nilalapitan. Ang iba sa kanila, ayaw lang mangialam. Ang iba, nahihiya. Ang iba, takot lumapit. Ang iba, walang lakas ng loob para magtanong. Ang the rest?..." napailing ako. "Maybe, your right. Wala lang talagang pakealam. Besides, it's not even their problem, kaya bakit sila mag-aaksaya ng oras para sayo? Kung hindi ka naman ganun ka-importante sa kanila para pagtuunan ng pansin, diba?" Nakangiting sambit ko pagkatapos sulyapan ang mga kaklase namin, Ang iba ay naglilinis na ng classroom, ang iba ay nag-uusap, ang iba ay nagliligpit ng gamit, at ang karamihan ay lumabas na.

"You got a point." He smiled and shook his head.

"That's how human think, that's how human act and not all humans are the same, not all human... have the same thought. Some… are selfish." Sambit ko. "How sad right? Mas iisipin nila yung sarili nila, kaysa sayo. Mas iisipin nila yung nararamdaman nila kaysa sa nararamdaman mo."

Natawa siya sa akin. "Parang ang lalim ng mga pinanghuhugutan mo Belle."

Natawa din ako at umiling. "Wala naman akong pinanghuhugutan, it's based on what I saw and notice. I've been there too, I know how it feels." Sambit ko habang tumatango.

Totoong alam ko ang pakiramdam nun. That’s how I felt when I broke up with Red. I am looking for someone to comfort me and understand how I feel. Not everyone was there for me, not my classmates, not my family, but somehow someone was there for me. It was Alisha, my best friend. Kaya Maswerte pa din ako kahit papaano dahil mayroon akong siya.

Ang iba, hindi maunawaan kung bakit iniiyakan ko ang lalaki na iyon, maybe because they havent experienced falling in love yet. They have never experienced to love seriously and fail miserably and get hurt eventually. They think I was ridiculous for crying over a man like him. Thinking it's not worth to cry for, even deserve for a small drop of tear. Though, they never know how hurm I am, kasi hindi naman sila ang nakakaramdam ng nararamdaman ko. They never thought that I'm crying because the man I love had broke my heart.

You never know the feeling after that kind of love hit you. Hindi iyon nakabase sa edad. It will hit you hard when it comes, it's like a rollercoaster ride, it’s a mixed emotion, a different kind of feeling. Yung ipaparamdam sayo ang excitement kapag magkalapit kayong dalawa, pero manginginig ka sa takot kapag sumagi sa isipan mong iiwan ka din niya. Yung titibok ng mabilis ang puso mo dahil sa sobrang tuwa, pero may halong kirot kapag naghiwalay na kayong dalawa. Yung mag-niningning ang mga mata mo sa tuwing nakikita mo siya, pero may kisap ng luha kapag may kasama na siyang iba. Ito yung tipong...masaya sa una, pero... masakit kapag nasaktan na.

Seb was beside me, Alisha was behind me, talking to my other classmates as we walked down the pathway. I almost stop when I saw the two-person walking opposite to our direction. Makakasalubong namin sila.

Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ni Red ng makita niya ako. He then looked at Set beside me before he looked back at me. Imbis na batiin sila ay in-ignore ko nalang ang tingin niya. I feel the awkwardness. Even for the girl his with. The girl glanced at me but she couldnt look at me straight in the eyes. I think she feel it too especially when they both stop in front of us, kaya natigil din kami sa paglalakad at nagtitigan.

“Ali!”

Natigilan ako sa titigan namin ni Red ng marinig ang malakas na tawag ni Alisha. Binalingan ko siya at nakita ko na humakbang siya papalapit sa dalawang taong papalapit na rin sa kinaruruunan namin. Nagulat ako ng makita si Ali. He was already looking at me habang nakakunot naman ang noo ni Nate na nakatingin sa amin.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?!" Alisha asked excitedly. Almost all of the students around us are already looking at him. No doubt. With that look and with that air, he will easily get everyones attention, especially since he is not a student here.

I looked at him curiously. Ano ang ginagawa niya dito?

"Tito Alejandro is the PTA president in this school, he asked me to attend the meeting as his representative." Sagot niya.

“Ah, okay, pero bakit hindi siya makaka-attend?” Kuryusong tanong ni Alisha.

He left yesterday for Manila to talk to my mother. May mga importanteng tao din siyang kaylangan kausapin para sa property ng Hacienda.” Aniya at sinulyapan si Nate na nanatiling nakakunot ang noo na nakatingin sa mga kasama ko.

Ali then glanced at me at tiningnan din ang mga kasama ko, mukhang napansin naman iyon ni Alisha.

“Ah, mga kaklse namin, yung iba… extra lang.” Parinig ni Alisha pagkatapos sulyapan ang girlfriend ni Red.

Ali then glanced back and Alisha after he noticed her sarcastic tone. Ibinalik din agad ang tingin sa akin pagkatapos ay tiningnan ang mga kasama ko at tipid na ngumiti sa kanila.

“Uuwi na kayo? Sa akin na kayo sumabay. May dala akong sasakyan.” Si Nate pagkatapos sumulyap kay Alisha at tiningnan ako. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin. “Belle?”

Naring ko naman ang iilang pagsinghap ng mga studyante sa likod ko.

Umiling ako. “Hindi na. Malapit lang ang amin. Maglalakad nalang kami. May mga kasama din ako.” Aniya ko at tiningnan si Seb sa tabi ko.

Ngumiti siya sa akin. “It’s okay, Belle. Pwede ka namang sumabay sa kanila.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Hindi. Makakaabala din kami. Uuwi ako para magpaalam bago dumeretso sa trabaho.” sinulyapan si Alisha. “Si Alisha nalang ang ihatid mo dahil medyo malayo pa ang kanila.”

“Hindi Belle, dederetso na ako sa trabaho, hindi na ako uuwi. O kaya, sama nalang ako sayo para sabay na tayong pumasok.” Alisha replied and glanced at Nate.

“Puwede din naman, hatid ko na kayo sa inyo pagkatapos ay deretso sa café. Madaanan ko din naman iyon pauwi, para hindi na kayo mamasahe papunta duon. I will also drop for a while in a café to have some coffee before I go home.” Si Nate.

Narinig kong muli ang pag-ingay ng mga estudyante sa isang panibagong bulungan. Hindi ko iyon maintindihan dahil masyadong marami. Nanliit naman ang mga mata ko kay Nate.

Napabuntong hininga ako at tumango. Actually, ayaw ko talaga pero ayaw ko siyang mapahiya sa alok niya gayung kita ko ang titig sa amin ng mga estudyante, ang mga kaklase ko at…ng mga nasa tabi. I caught a glimpse of Ali's frown, samantalang lahat kami ay natigilan ng biglang marinig ang boses ni Red.

“Hindi mo dapat pinipilit si Belle kung ayaw niya, the lady said no yet you're forcing her to come with you."

I stiffened and slowly turned to Red at what he had said. Nakakunot din ang kanyang noo habang nakatingin kay Nate.

“Hindi ko siya pinipilit, I just want to offer a ride.” Mariin na sambit ni Nate. “At anong Karapatan mo na sabihin yan? Wala na kayo, kaya wala kang Karapatan sa kanya.”

I almost gasped at Nate’s words. I was about to speak but then Red also fired back.

“Kaibigan niya ako, kaibigan kalang din niya. Kaya wala ka ring karapatan.”

"Nate…" I stopped him on the verge of him speaking again. “I told you, sasama na ako.” I said and frowned at Red.

"Mind your own business." I answered and glanced at his girlfriend who was now clinging to his arm and trying to pull him.

“I’m sorry. I’m just concern Belle, Kilala kita.” Aniya.

“Even so, you dont have a say on this. Ano ngayon kung nagbago ang isip ko at gusto na palang sumama sa kanya?” Nakakunot na sagot ko.

He looked at me with forehead furrowed and eventually sighed before looking sharply at Nate.

I turned to Seb next to me. “Sorry, hindi ako makasasabay sayo.” Paumanhin ko.

Itinaas niya ang kamay at nakangiting umiling. “Hindi, okay lang.”

Tumango ako at sinulyapan si Alisha na tinanguan ako pagkatapos tingnan si Red.

“Let’s go.” Malamig na aniya ko, pero bago ako humakbang ay kita ko ang pagsulyap ni Ali kay Red patungo kay Seb at kay Nate. Sa huli ay dumapo sa akin ang mga mata niya. Hindi ko iyon Mabasa. Hindi nakakunot ang noo niya, he just looks at me without saying anything but his eyes say different. Bigla ay nakuryuso ako duon. Sa kung ano ang maaring iniisip niya sa akin.