The Lethal Pursuit

Lethal It is a force that corners the soul at the edge of death. Ang panganib ay parang isang posibilidad na kahit anong gawing pag-iingat hindi pa rin maiiwasang hindi maganap kapag ito'y tinanggap na ng tadhana. No one can avoid it because it's everywhere. No matter what I do or where I go, it follows me like my ominous shadow. Hindi ‘ko matakasan dahil ang liwanag na bumabalot sa aking kapaligiran ang nagbibigay daan para makulong ako sa malagim na kahapon. I need to escape into this dark abyss to flee a thirstful pain so profound that even an oasis would fail to save me. “I wish I could tear myself away from someone who no longer has my heart". His words were like a sharp knife, repeatedly stabbing my heart, leaving me gasping for breath. Ang dating matatamis na salita ay napuno ng kapaitan. “We're together now". I should be genuinely happy that my best friend found her own soulmate but how can I be delighted when she stole what was mine? “Isa ka lang naman ampon, how dare you still stay here after everything you've done?" They took the things that should have belonged to me, pero ano naman ang karapatan ‘kong angkinin kung sa una pa lang hindi na ako ang nararapat. “Pinagsisihan ‘kong inaruga pa kita kung alam ‘ko lang na ikaw ang papawi sa kasiyahan ng pamilya ‘ko sana hinayaan na lang kita mamatay sa lansangan". I used to belong to that happy family but a mistake I never committed shattered everything. Hindi ‘ko ginustong bawiin sa akin ang mga taong minamahal ‘ko ngunit sa isang iglap naglaho ang lahat na para bang isang bula. “I'm sorry but you're fired". So how am I supposed to keep living? Kung binawi sa akin ang bawat sandaling kasiyahang saglit na pinadanas sa akin ng panahon. Mula sa masayang pamilyang kinagisnan ‘ko, sa unang pag-ibig na binigo ako hanggang sa kaibigang pinagkatiwalaan ‘ko ng lubos ngunit nagawa pa rin ako pagtaksilan at sa trabahong ibinuhos ‘ko ang dugo't pawis na meron ako subalit papawiin din pala sa isang iglap. All my life I searched for my place in this world and every time I thought I had found it, it broke away from me as if I was never meant to be there. That's why I'm already exhausted lingering around. Trying to be fit in and prove myself that I'm deserving to be here too but when everything gets chaos I'm always the one left behind. Walang masandalan, walang makapitan. I’m tired of fighting a battle that keeps asking me to bleed quietly while pretending I’m strong enough to endure it. Sinubukan ‘kong ilaban para sa pamilyang nahanap ‘ko, at sa pagmamahal na hinahanap ‘ko but through the process I lost myself. “…And for the final stroke,” I whisper into the thin air while my wet brush glides slowly across the canvas to seal the painting’s completion, and when it is finished, a faint smile curves my lips as quiet satisfaction blooms until a sudden thumping shatters the silence. “Hey buddy, what’s wrong?” I ask my little bunny, who’s making a noise on the table among my paints kaya ng akmang kukunin ‘ko na sana siya para yakapin bigla naman ito tumalon patungo sa aking mga bisig. Mabuti na lang kaagad ‘ko rin ito nasalo subalit tulad ng inaasahang pangyayari nasagi nito ang malaking lata ng pulang likido sanhi para matapunan ang suot ‘kong trahe de boda. “Are you okay, baby?” nag-aalalang tanong ‘ko habang mabusising sinusuri ang katawan ng pasaway na kuneho dahil sa ginawa nitong paglundag nalagyan din ito ng pintura sa kanyang bandang ibabang parte kaya pati ang suot nitong puting bestida ay nabahiran din. Zyvian is a black Holland Lop rabbit, and she has been with me ever since my mother gave her to me as a gift on the day they adopted me. Kaya hindi ako nangangamba kapag malaya siyang naglalaro sa labas, because I never caged her. She learned not only how to roam, but also how to find her way back to me. It was just a little different today, since she has never been chaotic or made any noise when I’m doing something, because she knows when I need to be occupied to ease my mind but right now we’re full of red paint from the mess she created. “You little devil, what’s going on with you?,” malalim ako’ng napabuntong hininga bago binagtas ang daan patungo sa lababo kung saan marahan ‘kong binuksan ang gripo upang banlawan sana ang pinturang kumapit sa kanyang balahibo ngunit sa sobrang kapasawayan ng alaga ‘ko muli na naman itong tumalon, “Zyvian, come here!” I shout before following her as she starts running outside. Habang binabagtas ‘ko ang daan palapit dito hindi ako magkandamayaw sa pagbitbit ng aking kasuotan dahil natatapakan ‘ko ang laylayan ng damit sa bawat hakbang na aking ginagawaran kaya nahihirapan akong maghabol hanggang sa namalayan ‘ko na lamang napadpad na pala ako sa gilid ng dalampasigan at sa gitna nito natigilan ako upang pagmasdan ang ganda ng buong kapaligiran. I slowly inhale the fresh air to calm my body, but the sound of the waves awakens something buried deep within me. The memories of yesterday that long forced into the darkest corners of my mind, resurface, flashing one by one without mercy. “I-I can't marry someone like you”. “I'm pregnant and he's the father”. “How dare you bring disgrace into this family”? Those words add fuel into my burning heart. Hindi ako mapakali, sobrang napapagod na akong maramdaman ang bigat sa bawat hapdi ng sugat na aking natatamo mula sa matatalim na bibig ng mga taong inaalayan ‘ko ng aking buhay. I wonder how it feels like to sleep forever. Yung tipo’ng wala ka ng iniisip, hindi ka na mamomoblema kung paano sosolusyunan ang gulo ng mundo, at higit sa lahat wala na yung sakit na unti-unti ‘kang pinapatay sa araw-araw na ginawa ng panginoon’g may kapal. I want to know that feeling… really bad. “Mommy?!…,” hindi ‘ko mapigilang hindi tumulo ang aking luha ng muling masulyapan ang mukha ng aking ina na umaruga at nagbigay sa akin ng pag-asa ng ako’y wala ng mapatunguan. She’s still willing to extend her hand to me after everything that happened, and I want to hold it tightly once more, at hindi ‘ko na ‘to papakawalan tulad ng dati. “Mom, wait for me. Sasama ako sa’yo,” I whisper as I step onto the white sand where the shore bleeds into the sea. I keep walking until the water swallows me deeper and deeper, yet she remains out of reach. Why can’t I touch you, Mom? I only want to feel your warmth again, just once… when you pull me into your arms and lock me in your embrace, protecting me from all the odds in this world. If I can’t hold you in this life, wait for me in another. There, no one can hurt us, and I can finally be by your side again. For now, let me find a way to reach you. Marahan ‘kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata habang patuloy na sinusulong ang kalaliman ng karagatan hanggang sa umabot na ang taas nito sa ituktok ng aking ulo sanhi upang pigilan ‘ko ang aking paghinga at sa sumunod na hakbang aking ginawaran unti-unti ng lumulutang ang mga paa ‘ko sa tubig hanggang sa tuluyan ng wala itong matapakan sa ilalim. Ang pakiramdam na mayakap ng lamig mula sa karagatan ang huling alaala na aking bibitawan sa mundong ibabaw sapagkat ang sugal ng aking buhay ay tinatapos ‘ko na. In my next life, I hope I am given a place where I belong because this is my final… Pursuit.