A day in my shoes.

I wake up to my alarm blaring it’s relentless chimes. Feeling the urge to snooze and go back to sleep. However I know I can’t, I have to get up and face yet another unremarkable day. Wake up Brush my teeth and hair Get dressed Drive and hour to work Work my ass off with little to no acknowledgement Drive home Eat Clean Just to wake up at four am and do it all over again. What a mundane life I live. I don’t want it anymore. I’m not sure when I started to feel this way maybe it was when I was five and got adopted the first time. Or when I was 16 and lost my virginity in a not so consentual way, or maybe I was born with impending suffering. Perhaps over the years of living such a catastrophic life I grew accustomed to the misery that came with it… you know I didn’t ask to be born, two people in the 90’s had s*x and brought me here, two people that aren’t even together anymore, aren’t even with me anymore. I used to laugh and enjoy everyday, talking with my friends, hangout and do stupid things like stupid teenagers. I was confident and outgoing, a straight A student. Most of all, I was excited about living my life and making my dreams come true, I was going to go to college and become a lawyer so I could put rapists away behind bars… now I’m a shell of who I used to be, just a broken record stuck on repeat, living a life I no longer desire with no ambition left I’m just stuck in an endless loop of “work eat sleep repeat” with no way out. Feeling trapped in a life I never asked for how does one possibly break free from the shackles holding them in place? it’s not like I have a key otherwise I would’ve used it a while ago. I feel so stuck and I only have two options, persevere or close my eyes and welcome an eternal sleep with open arms, instead of being stuck in this life I could be stuck in a darker but that much more brighter place. I’m teetering between the two, most days I choose to persevere but I put a lot of thought into the latter, I could quit my job and lay in bed until I rot, only three to five days with no water. or If I really wanted to drag it out, three to ten weeks with no food but regular water source.. I could let the affects of starvation take me. The first stage of starvation During the first stage of starvation, blood glucose levels are maintained through the production of glucose from proteins, glycogen and fats. At first, glycogen is broken down into glucose. Only enough glycogen; however, is stored in the person's liver to last a few hours. After that period of time, blood glucose levels are maintained by the breakdown of fats and proteins.Fats are decomposed into glycerol and fatty acids. Fatty acids can be used as a source of energy, particularly by skeletal muscle, thereby decreasing the use of glucose by tissues other than the brain. The second phase of starvation In the second phase, which might last for several weeks, fats are the main energy source.A person's liver metabolizes fatty acids into ketone bodies that can be used as a source of energy.After approximately a week of fasting, a person's brain starts to use ketone bodies, as well as glucose, for sources of energy. Proteins not essential for survival are used first. The third phase of starvation The third phase of starvation starts when a person's fat reserves are depleted and there is a switch to proteins as the major source of the person's energy. Muscles, the largest source of protein in the body, are quickly depleted. At the end of this phase, proteins - essential for cellular functions, are broken down and cell function degenerates. Along with loss of weight, symptoms of starvation include: Apathy Withdrawal Fatigue Increased susceptibility to disease Additional symptoms of starvation may include flaky skin, changes in hair color The process of starvation also results in dehydration. Even with intervention a person might be so affected by weakness or disease they do not have the ability to make a recovery. The end stage of starvation Starvation wreaks havoc on a person's immune system, largely on account of an extreme deficiency of minerals and vitamins. Some people will become weak and perish of immune-related diseases during starvation. Eventually, the person's body will run out of options. Fats, glucose, muscle mass and tissue are finite resources that will eventually be spent and the person will die. The end-stage of starvation usually brings with it one of two different diseases - kwashiorkor and marasmus. When the person's death finally arrives, its most immediate cause is by a heart attack brought on by either extreme tissue degradation, or severe electrolyte imbalances. People can die of starvation in as little as three-weeks, or as long as seventy days. It all sounds painfully tempting, I’m almost willing. But I can’t let them win