I'm Broken

A breeze fluttered through the window lifting the sheer white curtains before caressing my face. I could feel the tension in my eyes and tightness in my face muscles as I stared at the blank page of my journal. Knowing I needed to relax I let out a deep but irritated sigh as I closed my eyes. My therapist, from when I was a kid, had suggested I keep a journal, it wasn't until recently I took his advice. I have been trying for months to get better, to make myself better, writing about my day and my feelings was supposed to help, but it hasn't. I glare back down to the offending page that is still devoid of even a single pen stroke. I keep pressing myself to write something other than just what I did today, I need a break through, I need to find what is wrong and fix it. I can't keep living the life I am living, it will eventually kill me. I let out another frustrated groan before glancing up at the clock on the stove. When I notice the time I slam my journal shut and shove it quickly into my purse before scrambling to make a decent meal for my boyfriend, Matt, before he gets home. As I hurriedly throw ingredients together for a simple potato soup my mind drifts to my life as it is and as it was. I never think of 'as it will be' because I don't know how much longer I have, its best to just take my existence one day at a time. I had a wonderful childhood up until I was eight years old. Loving parents, friends, house on the right side of the tracks. All of that ended one day when I found my mom laying in a pool of her own vomit. Her light blue eyes staring through me. My dad tried so hard to be strong after that, took me to therapy, loved me extra, but sometimes when he was drunk he would come into my room, sit in the end of my bed and just cry. Always telling my that I looked so much like his lost love. Eventually my dad left me too, a single gunshot wound to the head. When the police picked me up from my middle school they looked so sincerely sorry to have to tell me I was now an orphan. I stayed in shock for a long while as I bounced from foster to foster. Each home of a different horror some worse than others. I finally snapped when one of my foster brothers tried to take my innocence. Sixteen and scared, I ran. They never reported me missing, I'm assuming so they could continue to receive the check for me. I ended up here in this lovely little town that I have called home for the past five years. My life had changed for the better shortly after moving here. I was homeless, starving, and dirty celebrating my seventeenth birthday with a half of a cupcake that I managed to swipe off of a cafe table. That day as I sat there, taking small bites to savor what I could, a shadow that towered above my small frame scared me. I looked up to see a boy about my age, dark hair messy but stylish, his build and clothing screaming bad boy. It was his eyes though, they shone with kindness. That was the day I met Matt. Matt was a loving man, he took me in, cared for me, loved me... until he didn't. The front door to my tiny apartment slammed up and I jumped, the devil himself taking up a majority of the door. Matt kicked the door closed and as he closed the gap between us I was frozen, staring at his green eyes, those eyes that had once filled me with hope now terrified me. He was right in front of me before I could form a coherent thought. "Hey baby!" I forced myself to put on a bright smile, hoping that if I was cheerful it would soothe him. some part of me knew it was hopeless though, I could smell it on him, the booze, the women, the s*x. He had been that his MCs club house. I was never invited, he never officially dubbed me as "his old lady". I knew that most of his friends didn't even know I existed. Before I could tell him that his dinner was just about done his heavy hand hit my cheek with enough force to put me onto the cold tile floor. "You stupid worthless b***h!" he spat his words as he got down on top of me, forcefully rolling me onto my back as he held my throat. His rant continued as I gasped for air. "I saw the test in the trash you little slut! Who have you been f*****g behind my back?!" Before I could answer though another vicious strike came down on my face. He just kept hitting me before I felt those same hands roughly rip my underwear down. Hearing his zipper go down I froze. I let my eyes drift away and willed my mind to go to a better place. He often thought I cheated on him, this was him claiming me, ruining me for any other man, that's what he has said. I have never been unfaithful, though I know he is. I felt my body jostle repeatedly as he forced himself onto me. With one last grunt he was off of me, righting himself. I tried to move but my body was in so much pain, tonight was worse than it ever has been. Before I could even get my head off the floor all I saw was the bottom of his riding boot coming for my already swollen face. I felt the pain of my bones being crushed before everything went black I had one last thought, it made me chuckle to myself in my mind. The last thought was of what I should have wrote on that blank journal page. Two simple words would have sufficed. 'I'm broken'. As my consciousness left me, my busted lips curled into a small dark smile hoping this was finally it. I, Avery Lee, have never gotten what I wanted, though.