My bruises, Your Pain

Chapter 5: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

Dear Diary,

The night was long, I told the girls we should make a Christmas bed and have a little sleep over. We pushed our mattresses together on the floor and cuddled up together, I just wanted to feel that I could protect them. I laid awake replaying all sorts of scenarios over in my mind, and none ending the way I wanted nor hoped. I dozed off for a second… suddenly my chest felt heavy as if someone was pressing down on me making it difficult to breathe. I tried lifting my arms but they wouldn’t move, I was trapped inside my body not even able to make a sound. I looked around trying to see where I was and my eyes fall onto a man standing in the corner laughing. “Finally you are awake” he mumbled as he approached me. The room was dark and I can’t make out his face, all I could see was his outline. He was very masculine and smelled like a beer, with each step his smell became more overpowering and he placed his wrinkled finger on my cheek, I was scared out of my mind was he going to kill me? As he lifted his hand, I woke up soaking wet with chills going down my spine!

I looked around frantically, shivering like a leaf. I try to calm myself down, “It was just a dream, it was just a dream.” I kept repeating to myself over and over but it meant nothing.  The girls seemed okay, luckily my nightmare didn’t affect them. I made myself comfortable in between them when a strange sound got my attention. It sounded very odd, I tried to make out what it was but the sound was muffled. I focussed my attention on the sound for a while when finally there was something I could make out, well sort of, it sounded like crying. I don’t know who was crying and if it actually was crying that I heard but something about that noises made me sick to my stomach and I laid awake for the rest of the night.

The morning light broke and I let out a sigh of relief and I finally felt at peace to close my eyes. My eyes felt heavy and dry from forcing them to stay open longer than they could. It was barely a minute of shut eye before the girls woke up and started babbling, oh well nothing I am not used to, I thought. I have no idea on how to go about the day, it’s not like I can babysit them the forever. I broke the ice to check if everything was okay and it was surprisingly quiet, too quiet. It gave us enough time to get done and get out of the house quickly but I think it would be wishful thinking to believe that it would be a good day. As we were about to leave I found an envelope addresses to me that’s tied to a brick. I can’t believe it is still here, it really is a very strange day.

I opened the envelope to find a handwritten note…

“Deirdre, I am sorry,

Probably not the best way to start a letter but I need to say that to you over and over. I see past your bruises and broken home because I know that all too well.

I know all too well what it feels like not to fit in, that’s what I have been doing all my live. I want to tell you something but please don’t pity me. My mom work as a maid in Gabe’s (the very rich cool guy from school) houses and I sort of grew up with him and whatever he got I got because we were inseparable and I was like part of the family. Well, it was only a couple of years and then the worst thing happened, my mom passed away. I didn’t care about all the material things, I could talk to her and she would always guide me in my choices. She was such a loving and caring soul after her death I moved into the house and out of the servant’s quarters to make space for the new maid. It was great at first until I realised I was just a nuisance to them and they just did it because my mother died and out of pity. I started mowing the lawn and do some small jobs around the house to show my gratitude but then I just become their errand boy and I know it doesn’t sound so bad but that was just the start.

I was just lucky to have someone that care about me and have a roof over my head that I didn’t even comprehended that I was being emotionally abused and constantly blackmailed into doing stupid stuff. I saved up to buy myself a phone but of course it wasn’t good enough for their standards so I got a new, fancier one. That’s why I had an extra one to give to you. I have been looking at you for a while, observing and admiring you. They made fun of me for even looking at you, calling you the ‘homeless chick’ and I wanted to just punch them there and then but again I couldn’t. All I could do was stand by, watch and also be forced to participate, it was so painful to do because from the first time I saw you I knew I really wanted to get to know you. But how can I expect you to want to get to know me when I was part of the crew that was making your life a living hell? I don’t deserve to be close to you but I want to be with you so badly.  

Yesterday was the last straw, Gabe took my phone because it was ‘his’ and he printed out our conversation, invading my stuff as if it was nothing, as if I wasn’t a human being.  This is not an excuse, I know I could have stand up for you but I didn’t because I was a coward! I chose myself over your emotional well-being and for that I am truly sorry. But no more, as you read this I am planning to run away, I can’t do anymore dares, I can’t be used and abused anymore. I am just done!

Please run away with me Deirdre? I know I probably don’t deserve it but we can find our happy place in each other.

P.S. Don’t text that number again. I will find a way to contact you.

I am in love with you

Love, Alec”

I stood there with tears in my eyes, he hides his pain so well and not even to speak about his ‘rich b*tch’ act. I wish that I had even just a percentage of the strength that he has but I guess he had it a little easier when his mom was around. Actually I think one is better of not knowing a parent at all, having someone care for you and then to leave you? Well I know it’s not always a choice to leave someone, but again I am off the topic. I really wouldn’t mind running away right now but how do I leave the girls? How will we even survive? We are both still on school…

Wait, was I even considering this?  Emotions were running high, I could run away but would it be for the better?  

I hope my reasons for leaving means something, I wish I could have given you better…love mom