My bruises, Your Pain

Chapter 8: The hunt

Dear diary,

The nice thing about sleeping in a bathroom is the direct access to water and the toilet, you have to look at everything with a positive mind set. When the morning light broke we laid in each other’s arms a little while longer finding the strength for the rest of the day. I prayed, I prayed long and hard. I have prayed many times before but this time was like I felt it for the first time. It was as if I felt every word I said deep inside me which gave me the feeling everything will be okay. He got up first and cleaned himself up before giving me some time to myself which I needed so badly since I wasn’t comfortable to do everything in front of him just yet.  I love him but I needed some time to adjust to our new reality. I washed my face and as the cold water splashed over my face a cold shiver went down my spine, I used the cloth to wipe my underarms. The water felt ice cold on my warm body.

He came back inside and we finished up and just before we headed out he took out his half of the sandwich…it broke my heart. He didn’t eat, he kept it so that we didn’t have to start the day on an empty stomach. I struggled to get the piece of bread down my throat, the guilt was eating me but I knew I needed the strength to get through the day. We finished our sandwiches in silence, “Let’s start this day,” he said breaking the silence as he reached for my hand. “I am nervous, what if neither of us get a job…” I said in a shaky voice. “Sshhh” he interrupted me, “There is no place for negativity, if we believe things will be okay than things will be okay.” He comforted me with his words, it didn’t really help but I gave him a smile anyway. He walked out first, I waited a few minutes before I left, in the hopes to not to draw attention to us. It was still a little bit dark but the first morning rays was already breaking through the clouds. The phenomena being so symbolic to the dark place we are currently in but then light lift our load.

We walked into every store asking if there was anything available, anything at all. After an hour of going in and out of shops I lost count but I tried to keep the faith that the right person would be in one of these stores. The words we got was cruel and painful “Get the f*ck out of my shop!” “No, homeless allowed in the store.” The people made us feel worthless, as if we were nothing and yet we were well dressed, washed and even good mannered but it still meant nothing in their eyes. “I can’t do this anymore,” I snapped at him as we walked out of the umpteenth shop. He had nothing to say to me. “I can’t do this anymore dammit! Can’t you hear me? I want to go home, I known it was horrible there but I had food and a roof over my head!” I screamed at him with tears running down my face. He looked at me in awe, jaw dropped open and his eyes filled with tears. My little episode focused people’s attention on us, looking closely at what will happen next. But before he could say anything, a lady took my hand. I looked at her confused as to what was happening and she placed her hand on my cheek, “Everything will be okay, here take this (she placed a few notes of money in the hand she was holding) I know it’s not much but you need it more,” she said as she let go of my face and walked away. Tears were streaming down my face, a stranger brought us hope again. I got quiet for a while, staring out in front of me trying to process what just happened. I didn’t deserve her kindness, she was good to the bone while I couldn’t even think of doing something for someone else with the little I have.

I took his hand “I am so sorry for my outburst,” I said in between sobs. He took the back of his hand and wiped my tears away. “It will get tougher before it can get better, but we have each other and therefore no mountain will be too high to climb.” He said with a hopeful smile on his face. I decided to buy a bread with the money and share it with everyone on the streets, the two slices I had filled me right up and my heart was also full. I saw how he hid his in the bag again, but I gave him some more. “You also need your strength,” I whispered in his ear. Sometimes it felt like we didn’t have much to say to each other but it also felt like we could communicate by only looking in each other’s eyes. I know, I know it sounds confusing. The sun was positioned high in the sky but the air still had a crisp coldness and after the well-deserved break we started our hunt again.

Shop in and shop out but nothing came from it, my feet was sore from all the walking but I focussed on the beautiful scenery that the town had to offer. The historic houses with their great architecture, the long trees everywhere you looked and the beautifully shaped mountains made our problems take a backseat but not for long enough…the worries of where to sleep, what to eat or what tomorrow will bring kept hanging over me. We didn’t give up, we tried at every shop, stall and garages, no matter how big or small they were. But time was ticking, the sun about to set and the day was about to end. Shops were closing and we were standing in the streets not knowing where to go next. “We should find shelter,” he said softly trying to hide the disappointment of the day’s events. “Where shall we go?” I asked, trying to be strong for a change. I didn’t give him a chance to answer, “Perhaps we should go back to the station, I think I remember the way back.” I said, he only nodded his head.

With the sun finally setting, the weather became colder and I could barely feel my fingertips. He placed his hand in mine, and we walked back depleted. My mind was driving me insane but before the overthinking could overwhelm me, his voice brought me back. He started singing, his beautiful angel voice warmed my heart up, filled my mind with happy thoughts, just in time as we reached the station. We got inside and closed the door, our floor bed barricading the door, we snuggled up and dosed off.

Aysa, I cannot describe to you the emptiness I felt. I didn’t think I would worry about where my next meal would come from but I made that choice to run away and I was living with the consequences.

Love, Mom.