A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 27

Menrui’s Point of View

Matapos magkuwento ni Erebus sa nangyari sa kaniyang nakaraan, muling natahimik ang paligid namin. No one dared to talk, and the both of us are afraid to break the silence between us.

Nakita ko kung gaano kalungkot si Erebus nang magsimula siyang magkuwento. Nakita ko rin kung gaano siya nasaktan para sa nangyari sa kaniyang ama. And I already found out the real reason why he was doing these kind of things.

‘It is because of his father, huh?’ I thought to myself while I stare at him and I could see that he does not want to look at me.

Hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko para sa kaniya. Gusto ko siyang sabihan na magiging ayos lang ang lahat para sa kaniya, and I wanted to comfort him because of what happened to his father, but I could not do any of that.

Gulung-gulo pa rin ako at mas lalo pa akong naguluhan nang matapos siyang magkuwento. Nalaman ko na hindi lang ito simpleng bagay kaya niya nagawa ang mga bagay na ‘yon. Alam ko na kung bakit niya nagawang sakupin ang buong mundo at gawin ang mga bagay na sa tingin ng mga taong nakatira rito ay mali.

Alam ko na ang lahat nang nangyari sa kaniya, pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba talaga ang kailangan kong gawin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman, at higit sa lahat, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin sa kaniya.

He just confessed to me, and he told me everything that happened in his past just because I pleaded him to do so. Naliwanagan nga ako at napatunayan ko na dati ay isa rin siyang normal na taong naninirahan sa mundong ito, pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin.

After all, what he said does not change the fact that he did so many horrible things in this world. It does not change the fact that he is still Erebus, the man who was feared by everyone. It does not change the fact that he is my mission that I needed to accomplish.

Alam ko na pinaki-usapan ko siya na sabihin sa akin ang nakaraan niya dahil akala ko ay may makukuha akong sagot sa mga tanong na nasa isip ko, pero kagaya nga ng sinabi ko kanina, mas lalo lamang akong naguluhan at mas lalo pang dumami ang mga tanong sa isipan ko.

May malalim na dahilan kaya niya ginawa ang mga bagay na iyon, but so what? It really does change the reality that he involve so many innocent people because of his revenge to those people whom he accused as the reason why his father was dead now.

He just confessed what he trully feels towards me, but it makes my head hurts even more because of too much questions that started to run on my mind.

Kung sasabihin ko ba sa kaniya na gusto ko siya, may patutunguhan ba ang relasyon namin? Kung sasabihin ko ba sa kaniya ang lahat, magkakaroon ba ng tyansa na mababago ko siya? Will we make it work? Is this kind of relationship are acceptable by this society?

After all, it does not change the fact that I am a Goddess that was pretending that I do not know him, and he, on the other hand, is a dark wizard that was considered as my mortal enemy. Will our feelings with one another work even if these things are in between us?

Above it all, I am lying from him right from the start. Ano ang mangyayari kung malalaman niya iyon? I mean, he is known for killing everyone that betrayed him. He is known for killing someone that lied to him, and right now, I am that someone. What will he do if he found out my real identity and the real reason why I am here?

I am afraid to answer that. I am afraid of everything that was running on my mind right now. I am not a coward but right, it felt like I am one because of him. Because of the thought that I will lose everything, including him, if the truth will come to light.

Wala pa ring nagsasalita sa aming dalawa at ayoko rin namang magsalita dahil sa takot na baka kung ano ang sabihin ko sa kaniya. Takot na aking nararamdaman dahil sa mga tanong na nasa isip ko. Takot para sa lahat ng sinabi niya dahil hindi ko alam kung masusuklian ko iyon.

“You...” he said that made me snap out of my thoughts and focused my gaze on him. “If you does not want to tell me anything, I am alright with it,” he told me and for the first time, I saw him smile sadly.

My heart beats fast because of the expression on his face. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko, halo-halo na ang takot, kaguluhan, at kung ano-ano pa sa isip ko at hindi ko malaman kung ano ba talaga ang kailangan kong gawin o sabihin sa kaniya.

“I mean, I know that I shocked you with this sudden confession so I am alright with it,” he told me again that made my heart ache. “I know that I am known for being a heartless b*stard, that is why I know why you are staying silent right now.”

Umiling-iling ako. Hindi. Mali siya. Alam kong isa iyon sa mga dahilan ko kung bakit ako nananahimik ngayon, pero may mas malaki pang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko masabi sa kaniya ang totoo.

That I am afraid of everything that could happen between us. I am afraid of everything that could happen with the people around us. I am afraid that what I am feeling for him will make me change my own beliefs. I am afraid and I do not want to face the reality. Like I wanted to run away from it.

“No,” I told him and then I gave him a small smile, a tired one. “I just think I needed some time to think about it and your sudden confession shocks me for real that is why I am staying silent the whole time,” I added.

And that is the truth. I needed some time alone because I think that I could easily sort out everything that had happened this day. I think I needed some time so that I can clear my mind with everything that was bothering me.

“So can you give me that time that I needed?” I requested for me to be able to clear my mind.

Agad naman siyang tumango sa akin bilang pagsang-ayon. “Of course you can,” he told me and he even gave me a smile. “You have all the time in this world to sort all those things that is in your mind right now, and I could wait for your answer when you are ready to do so.”

Tumango na lamang ako sa kaniya at ngumiti, pero sa isip ko, no, I do not have a time anymore. I needed to decide real quick because if I don’t, our plan will be ruined. Everything that I did right now will be for nothing. Everything will be more complicated than it ever was, and I could not take the guilt that I would feel if that will happen.

“Then if you do not have anything to say,” I told him and I was about to leave his room but I was stopped when he held my wrist so tight as if he was afraid that I will leave him. Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang may pagtataka sa aking mukha. “May kailangan ka pa ba?”

Tumango siya sa akin at tumingin nang diretso sa aking mga mata. And that made my heart beats faster than it ever was.

“Pwede mo ba akong samahan muna?” tanong niya sa akin na ikinagulat ko.

Kung hindi ko lang alam, baka akalain ko na hindi si Erebus ang kaharap ko ngayon. Aakalain ko na iba siyang tao dahil sa inaakto niya ngayon. Para bang nasapian siya ng ibang tao dahil hindi ako sanay na ganito siya sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sumanib sa akin pero tumango ako sa kaniya kahit na ang gusto ko na lang na gawin ay mapag-isa. Kahit na pagod na pagod na talaga ako dahil sa dami ng nangyari ngayong araw, pumayag pa rin ako na samahan muna siya.

“Of course. I can do that,” I told him as I started to sit beside him.

Akala ko ay gusto niya lang akong maka-usap katulad ng dati, pero nagkamali ako at nagulat dahil sa ginawa niya. I tired to process what happened but my mind went blank again.

He lay on the sofa and used my lap as a pillow. He even closed his eyes as he held my hand and put it right on his chest. And somehow, he looks so vulnerable right now. It seems like he was not the person that I used to know. He seems like a person, a commoner who enjoys his life in this world.

Right now, he looks like that young man he mentioned earlier. That young man who was named Cynth, the man who was just so intelligent that is why everyone got interested about him. The same man who became the enemy of this world, not because he wants to, but because he thought that he could get his revenge if did so.

“Menrui,” he called my name and I just hummed to tell him that I was listening. “Can I make another request?” he asked me, his eyes was still close.

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti bago ako marahang tumango. “Of course,” I mumbled so softly as if I am afraid to break the comfortable between us.

He opened his eyes as he looked straight into my eyes. “Could you call me by my real name?”

I stopped and looked at him. I could see that he is really serious about it and it felt like I don’t have a heart to reject his request. It felt like I really wanted to fulfill it even if I really don’t have to. It felt like I wanted to call him because I want that too.

“It is Cynth, right?” I asked him and I subconsciously started to brush the hair that was on his forehead.

I could see him close his eyes as if he wanted to feel my touch. “Yes, it is,” he whispered to me.

“Then I should call you Cynth from now on,” I told him and I smiled at him even if he could not see it because his eyes were still close.

I really mean. Gusto kong tawagin siya sa tunay niyang pangalan. Gusto kong marinig niyang muli na may taong tuamatawag sa kaniya ng ganoon, dahil alam ko, si Cynth ay ang taong may puso pa para sa ibang tao, at si Erebus naman ay ang taong naging siya dahil sa kagustuhang ipaglaban kung ano ang tama.

“Thank you.” His voice was starting to get lower and lower as if he was starting to fall asleep.

I, on the other hand, continued to brush away the hair that was in his forehead as my mind drifted off. I started to think again of everything that happened today and I could not stop myself from being scared because of what will happen if I decided to return his feelings.

Sa isip ko, at dahil na rin sa narinig kong kuwento niya kanina, umaasa ako na maaari ko pa rin siyang mabago para bumalik siya sa dating siya. Si Cynth na masayang namumuhay sa mapayapang lugar na malayo sa ingay ng bayan at sa palasyo. Si Cynth na alam kong nasa loob pa rin ng puso niya at natatakot lang siyang ilabas dahil sa kinagisnan ng mga tao rito na ugali niya.

I wanted to change the Erebus that everyone once knew. I wanted to take back the previous him, the Cynth that he was talking about, because I know that it is never too late for him to take back the life that was once his. The life that he turned back because he wanted to take a revenge for his father. The life that was normal, and away from the chaos that he started.

Gusto kong ipaalala sa kaniya ang buhay na tinalikuran niya para sa isang dahilan na hindi naman talaga niya dapat gawin. And somehow, I wanted to know who is that person he was talking about that urged him to take a revenge, not just to the Royal Family of Sky Empire, but to everyone that was living in this world.

Pinakatitigan ko ang mukha niya at mukhang nakatulog na siya dahil sa lalim ng paghinga niya. Minabuti ko na ring umalis dahil wala na rin naman akong gagawin sa loob ng kwarto niya, at para na rin mapag-isa ako o ‘di kaya naman ay masabi ko ang lahat ng problema ko sa taong alam ko na makikinig sa bawat salitang bibitawan ko.

I looked at Erebus’ face for the last time, and then I decided to quietly leave his room so that he could also take a rest. Nakikita ko kasi ang pagod sa mukha niya at mukhang dahil iyon sa mga nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw, kaya minabuti ko na rin na iwanan siya nang mag-isa sa loob ng kwarto niya.

Ako naman ay pumunta sa direksiyon ng kwarto ko. My body and my mind feels so tired and I needed to take a breath because it seems like everything could suffocate me it I will not calm my heart and my mind.

Also, I needed someone to talk to, at mukhang naaayon sa akin ang lahat dahil nakita ko na naghihintay si Hemera sa labas ng kwarto ko. It looks like she was there for almost half an hour now because she kept on glancing at the wall clock that was in front of her. And I could see that she is anxious too.

Agad akong lumapit sa kaniya at nakita ko ang pagliwag ng mukha niya dahil napansin niya ako na papalapit sa kaniya. I gave her a soft yet tired smile so that she could remove that anxiousness on her face.

“Milady,” she said as she bowed down on me . “I am glad that you are safe,” she even added.

“Thank you,” I told her.

It was only two words but it held so many meaning for me. After all, ginawa niya ang lahat para mailigtas ako kahit na mas marami ang mga ninja na nakalaban nilang dalawa ni Fawn kaysa sa kanilang dalawa. And it was enough for me to thank her.

Tumingin siya sa akin at ngumiti. “You must be tired so we should already go inside your room so that you can already prepare for the night and take a rest.”

Tumango na lang ako dahil sa tingin ko ay kailangan ko na talagang magpahinga ngayon. It feels like my mind wanted to explode because of everything that happened these past few days. The realizations that I had, as well as the sudden confession that Cynth did.

Pagkapasok namin sa kwarto ko, dumiretso na ako sa kama ko para maupo. i did not even bother to change my clothes that I wore when the ninjas had kidn*pped me. Hindi ko na kailangan pang tumingin sa kabuuan ko para makita kung gaano na karumi ang mga suot kng damit.

I felt a wet cloth on my that is why I turned to look at Hemera’s direction. Seryoso siya habang pinupunasan ang mukha ko ng basang towel.

She must have realized that I am looking at her because she looked at me and then she smiled. “I though you needed to at least remove the dirt on your face before you go to bed, milady,” she told me and then she started to wipe away the dirt on my face. “You need to take care of your face. After all, you look so beautiful, it would be a shame if you will not take care of it.”

Napangiti ako dahil sa sinabi niya at bumulong ng ‘thank you’ sa kaniya. Napatahimik muli ang paligid pagkatapos no’n. Wala nang nagsalita pa sa aming dalawa at hinayaan ko lang siyang punasan ang mukha ko. And I, on the other hand, was left thinking again.

Gulung-gulo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon at sa tingin ko, kailangan kong sabihin kay Hemera kung ano ang sinabi sa akin ni Erebus para naman mabawasan ang lahat ng pag-aalala ko. After all, she is the only person that I could talk to right now.

Matapos niyang tanggalin lahat ng dumi sa mukha ko, tumayo na siya at mukhang plano na niyang umalis dahil nagpaalam na siya na lalabas na ng kwarto ko para makapagpahinga na ako nang mag-isa.

“Hemera,” I called her name when she was halfway through the door.

She looked at me with a questioning look on her face. “Is there anything else you wanted me to do, milady?” tanong niya sa akin at lumapit muli sa direksiyon ko.

She put down the things she brought that she used on cleaning my face so that it will not get in her way as she sat down. Kagaya ng dati, sinuklay niya ang buhok ko na para bang pinapakalma niya ako. Because it looks like she sensed that I wanted to tell her something.

“He confessed his feelings for me,” I said out of nowhere after a few minutes of silence.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtigil niya sa pagsuklay sa buhok ko at alam ko na nagulat siya sa sinabi ko, pero nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa pagsasalita at pagsasabi sa kaniya ng bagay na gumugulo sa isip ko ngayon.

“He said that he likes too, sratch that. He told me that it was even more than that,” I said as my voice trembled and I tried as hard as I could so that I wiil not cry in front of her. “He even told me everything about him and I was so shock that he could say that to me without even a second thought that it scares me for real.”

Tumingin ako kay Hemera at nakita ko ang pagkagulat sa mukha niya. She just snapped out of her thiughts when she realized that I am looking at her.

“Did you tell him what you feel for him?” tanong niya sa akin.

I shook my head no. “I do not have a courage to do so,” I told her, honestly. “Gulung-gulo na ako noong mga oras na ‘yon kaya hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko kaya mas pinili ko na manahimik na lang kaysa pagsisihan ko ang mga sasabihin ko sa huli.”

Tears started to fall in my eyes as I looked at Hemera. She was just quiet and listening intently to whatever I would say to her.

“Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko, Hemera. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba ang tamang gawin sa mga oras na ‘to. I am afraid of everything that could happen.”

Naramdaman ko ang yakap sa akin ni Hemera kaya mas lalo akong napaiyak.

And there inside my room, I started to cry because of the mixed emotion that I am feeling right now.