A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 25

Menrui’s Point of View

Nang makita ko si Erebus no‘ng bumukas ang pinto ng bahay na kinalalagyan ko, hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pakiramdam ko ay ligtas na ako. Pakiramdam ko ay wala nang magbabanta pa sa buhay ko. Pakiramdam ko, wala nang kahit sino pa ang makakapanakit sa akin.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Hindi ko rin alam ang mararamdaman ko. May parte sa akin na natutuwa dahil nandito siya ngunit may parte rin sa akin na naguguluhan pa rin dahil sa sinabi ng ninja na naka-usap ko kanina.

Do I really love him? I mentally shook my head because of that thought.

No. It cannot be true. It sound so absurd that suddenly, I came to realize that I love. That suddenly, I realized how much he means to me, even if I know who the real him is. Hindi ko rin maisip na parang kahapon lang, kausap ko si Hemera at sinabi sa kaniya na nagkagusto na ako kay Erebus at hindi lang iyon; sinabi ko rin kay Hemera na pipiliin ko ang sa tingin ko ay tama.

And this emotion I am feeling for him is not right. This emotion that I could not figure out for a whole week and I just realize now, it isn’t right, and it will never be right. Because after all, he is considered as my enemy. We are taking a different paths and we believe on different beliefs.

Alam ko na dapat kong sabihin sa sarili ko na pigilan ko ito, ngunit habang ako ay nakatingin sa kaniya ngayon, para bang walang mali sa kahita anong nararamdaman ko. Na para bang sinisigaw ng puso ko na ituloy ko lang ito.

I was just looking at him and I don’t even know what emotion was on my face right now but I could not take my eyes off him. I just continue to stare at him and he was doing the same. Akala ko ay gano’n na lamang ang gagawin naming dalawa, ngunit nagulat ako nang bigla siyang lumapit sa akin.

His footsteps are so fast as if he was in a hurry, and when he reached my side, I got shock and my heart beats so fast because he hugged me so tight as if he was afraid that something bad had happened to me.

I know, I should push him away, but I could not do that because I was still tied on the chair; or should I say that was just my exucse because I don’t want to push him away. I don’t want to do anything and I just want to feel his warmth.

And for the first time since we met, everything felt so right, even if I know that it is not.

Maraming bagay ang gumugulo sa isip ko no‘ng makita ko si Erebus, ngunit ngayon na nakayakap siya sa akin, bigla na lamang iyon nawala na para bang nasa piling ako ng taong may espesyal na parte sa buhay ko.

“I’m glad that you are safe, Menrui,” he said and I know that I am not imagining things when I heard his voice tremble.

He hugged me tighter as if he was afraid that I will go away again. Hindi pa rin ako nagsasalita at ipinikit ko na lang ang mga mata ko. I let a lone tear fall from my eyes because I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know but I feel like this is right and wrong at the same time. It felt like my brain and my heart is breaking into a half because I could not decide, and it hurts. It hurts so much because I could not seem to figure things out.

“I thought that I already lose you because of those b*stards, and I am so thankful that you are alright,” he whispered into my ears, and I just listen to his voice.

It calms me yet it felt like it was breaking my heart at the same time. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko na rin alam kung tama pa ba ‘to hindi na. Gulung-gulo na ang isip ko at hindi ko na alam kung ano ba dapat kong gawin.

I just tightly clenched my fist as I tried as hard as I could so that I could stop myself from crying in front of him. Ayokong makita niya kung ano talaga ang nasa isip ko. Ayokong malaman niya kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa akin. At ayokong bumitaw siya sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin.

“I’m really glad that you are safe,” paulit-ulit niya iyong sinasabi sa akin haban pahigpit nang pahigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin.

Akala ko ay wala siyang plano na bitiwan ako, pero mukhang napagtanto niya na nakatali pa rin ako sa upuan kaya agad-agad niya akong pinakawalan roon. He was careful as he tried to remove the ropes around me as if he was afraid that I will get hurt if he will hurry.

After a few minutes, I am already freed from those ropes. Parang nakahinga ako nang maluwag dahil doon at parang feeling ko, hindi ko maigalaw nang ayos ang mga kamay at binti ko. Siguro, iyon ay dahil sa tagal kong nakatali sa kinauupuan ko na ‘yon.

“Can you stand properly?” he asked, worried that I might be in pain because of what happened. “You can take your time. I will wait for you and you just have to tell me when you are alright so that we can already leave this village.”

Tumango lang ako sa kaniya at hindi pa rin ako nagsasalita. It felt like I don’t have any energy to do so, and it felt like if I will talk to him, I might tell him what was running on my mind. And I could not possibly do that. I will not let him know what was on my mind.

Mga ilang minuto pa kaming nananatili sa bahay na ‘yon, siya habang nakatayo sa harapan ko at nakatingin sa akin nang may pag-aalala at ako na nakaupo pa rin sa upuan kung saan ako nakatali kanina, bago ko sinubukan kung makakaya ko na bang tumayo nang mag-isa.

Muntikan na akong matumba no‘ng una kong sinubukan na tumayo, mabuti na lamang at nasa tabi ko si Erebus na agad na umalalay sa akin. He tightly gripped my waist as he supported me with every step that I take.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked me.

Mukhang nag-aalala pa rin siya para sa akin. Which is I found weird, because I never thought that I could see Erebus that was acting this way. It felt like he was a different person, yet I know that it is really him that was on my side.

Tumango lang ako sa tanong niya bilang pagsagot. “But you look so pale. Are you sure that you are telling the truth?”

Napatigil ako dahil sa sinabi niya. Siguro, kaya ako namumutla ngayon ay dahil sa dami ng iniisip ko nitong mga nakaraang araw at ang pag-kidnap sa akin ng mga ninja na ‘yon. It seems like everything that happened these past few days were already taking a toll on me.

“I’m fine,” I told him.

Magmula no‘ng makita ko siya ngayong araw, ngayon lang ako nagsalita. Maybe because I do not want him to look at me with that worried expression on his face. I don’t want him to feel so worried about me because it felt like it was wrong to do so.

Mukhang hindi naniniwala si Erebus sa sinasabi ko pero hindi na niya iyon pinansin at sinuportahan na lang ako sa paglalakad ko. Hindi naman ako nagreklamo dahil wala pa rin akong lakas para maglakad nang walang tumutulong sa akin, at mukhang ayaw rin niyang bitiwan ako kahit na sabihin ko sa kaniyang ayos lang ako.

We are halfway through the village when I noticed something. I looked around and frowned when I felt like something was off. This village is too quiet. Kahit naman kasi mga ninja ang mga nakatira rito, may maririnig ka pa rin na mga usapan sa mga bahay katulad na lamang kanina, ngunit ngayon, napaka tahimik ng lugar na ito at alam ko agad na si Erebus ang may kagagawan no‘n.

“Nasaan ang mga ninja ng village na ‘to?” tanong ko kay Erebus.

If he did something to them, I will blame myself because of my own carelessness. Kahit nagmukhang masama ang mga ninja na ‘yon no‘ng nakausap ko ang isa sa kanila, alam kong nagawa lang nila iyon dahil gusto nilang matalo si Erebus. And I could not really imagine what Erebus had done to them.

Napatingin naman si Erebus sa direksiyon ko pero itinuon niya ulit ang atensiyon niya sa dinaraanan namin makalipas ang ilan pang mga segundo. I heard him sighed as if he was expecting that I will ask him that.

“They are in a safe place,” sabi niya. Mukhang naramdaman niya ang pagtitig ko sa kaniya kaya tumingin ulit siya sa akin. “Trust me with this one, Menrui. I am telling the truth right now.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang depinisyon ng salitang ‘safe’ sa kaniya, at hindi ko rin alam kung nasaan nga ba ang mga ninja ng village na ‘to, pero mas pinili ko ang paniwalaan siya kahit na hindi ko alam kung nagsasabi siya ng totoo o hindi.

“Alright,” I told him as I focus my gaze on the path that we are currently walking through right now. “I will trust you this time, and i hope that you will not lie to me.”

Dahil sa sobrang lapit ko sa kaniya, narinig ko ang mahinang pagsabi niya ng, “I will not lie to you.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero naniniwala ako sa kaniya ngayon. It felt like what he was saying to me was genuine. Siguro, iyon ay dahil nakita ko ang ibang side niya noong nakaraang linggo, at siguro dahil din sa alam kong pumunta siya rito para lang iligtas ako. That is why I wanted to trust him, and my heart is telling me to do so.

Pagkatapos no’n, wala nang nagsalita pa sa aming dalawa. Tahimik lamang naming tinahak ang daan palabas ng village na ‘yon. Nagsalita lang ako no’ng sinabi ko sa kaniya na kaya ko nang maglakad nang mag-isa pero hindi siya pumayag at mas hinigpitan pa niya ang pagkakahawak sa akin, not to the point that it hurts though. His hold right now seems like he was afraid that he will lose me again if he will let go of me.

Pagkalabas namin ng village ng mga ninja, nakita ko ang kabayo na ginamit niya upang makapunta rito. Hindi na ako nagtanong pa kung saan siya nanggaling bago siya napunta rito dahil sa tingin ko, hindi naman na kailangan iyon. Atsaka pagod na talaga ako at hindi ko na gustong mag-isip pa.

We rode that horse and we immediately went to where his palace is. No one talked in the whole ride, and I appreciate it because I am really tired and I wanted to be alone because I am still confuse with everything, and that includes what I am feeling towards Erebus.

Speaking of him, I looked behind me and I saw him looking straight ahead with the same expression that he always wear, but somehow, it felt like there was a soft glint on his eyes. Ngayon ko lang napagmasdan ang mukha niya sa malapitan, at ngayon ko lang rin napansin kung gaano kaganda ang mukha niya.

Mukhang naramdaman niya ang pagtitig ko sa kaniya dahil tumingin rin siya sa akin at nakit ko ang pagkunot ng noo niya.

“What?” he asked and I know that I am not imagining the things when I heard the soft tone on his voice.

Ngumit ako sa kaniya at umiling. “Nothing,” I mumbled and then I looked away from him.

Itinuon ko na lamang ang pansin ko sa daan na tinatahak namin. Feeling ko kasi kapag nagpatuloy pa ako sa pagtitig sa kaniya, mas maguguluhan lang ako at sigurado akong mapapansin niya iyon kaya naman mas minabuti ko nang umiwas ng tingin sa kaniya.

Nakarating na kami sa palasyo at agad kong nakita si Grim sa bungad no‘n. It looks like he was waiting for our arrival because he immediately smiled when he saw us as he bowed down and he did not straigthen his back, not until Erebus and I reached his side.

“Welcome back, Emperor,” sabi nito at tumingin kay Erebus. Inilipat naman niya ang kaniyang tingin sa akin at bahagyang tumungo at binati ako. “Milady.”

Tumango lang ako sa kaniya. Akmang sasabihin ko kay Erebus na gusto ko nang magpahinga at matulog na lang, pero mukhang may iba siyang plano dahil naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko na ngayon ko lang napansin na magkahawak kamay pala kami.

“Menrui and I will talk on my room,” sabi niya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya nang may gulat na expression sa aking mukha pero hindi niya ako pinansin at nagpatuloy sa pagbibigay ng utos kay Grim. “And if you needed anything, make sure to tell me those things right after we talk.”

Tumango lamang si Grim sa kaniya at yumuko ulit. Si Erebus naman ay hindi na siya pinansin at itinuon ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Let’s go,” he said as he dragged me towards his room.

Iyon ang unang beses na nakapasok ako sa kwarto niya. Masasabi kong normal na kwarto lang iyon kung ang pag-uusapan ay ang mga kwarto sa isang palasyo. There is a sofa on the side and a shelf, while his bed is on the middle of the room. Walang masyadong gamit doon kaya naman mapagkakamalan mong walang umookupa ng kwartong iyon.

Iginaya niya ako sa isa sa mga single sofa na naroroon, kaya naman sumunod ako sa kaniya at umupo roon. Siya naman ay inokupa ang sofa na nasa harapan ko.

“So,” I called his attention and it seems like he got startled by it because I saw his eyes widen, but it was immediately gone. “What do you want to talk about?” I asked him, and somehow, it seems like he was nervous because of whatever we needed to talk about.

Kung ano man iyon, sa tingin ko ay napaka importante nitong pag-uusapan namin base sa expression sa mukha niya. He looks nervous and many emotion could be seen in his face, but I could tell that he was really serious about this ‘talk.’

I just hope that this talk will not be the same as before, when we always ends up fighting, because I really do not want to fight with him anymore. Condering the things that we did this past few days, I don’t want us to ruin it just because of this talk.

“I wanted to tell you something,” he said and I could feel that he is getting nervous because of that ‘something’ he was talking about.

And being nervous is not normal to him. After all, this is Erebus I am talking to. Hinding-hindi ko inaasahan na makikita ko siyang kinakabahan dahil lang sa may gusto siyang sabihin sa isang tao.

“Then go ahead and tell me,” I told him.

Gustung-gusto ko na rin kasing makapagpahinga at alam kong hindi ko iyon magagawa hanggang hindi niya sinasabi sa sa akin kung ano man ang gusto niyang sabihin. And it felt like I really need to hear whatever he wanted to say.

“Do you know why I married you?” he asked me out of nowhere that made me frown.

Bakit ngayon niya lang tinatanong sa akin ang mga bagay na ‘to? Hindi ba dapat ay noon pa niya tinanong sa akin ‘to? After all, this thing has been running on my mind ever since Erebus said that I should marry him.

“No,” I told him as I frowned.

Ang alam ko lang ay pinakasalan niya ako para hindi niya magalawa ang mga tao sa dungeon at wala nang iba. And it seems like he decided to tell me the real reason now.

“That’s because this is the first time that I feel something like this,” he told me that made me stop.

My eyes widen and my heartbeat raised as my mind started to think of what he just said. “What do you mean by that?” I asked him as I tried to stay as calm as I could.

I heard him sighed as he started to tell me what he trully feels. “The first time that I saw you, that was the first time ever since that incident happened to me that I felt my heart beats fast like it never did before.” He looked at me and I could tell that what he was saying to me was genuine. “I thought that it was because it is the first time that I saw you, but I am wrong.”

Mas lalong bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Somehow... somehow, I am letting my hopes up, thinking that he was feeling something for me, but if he really have some feelings for me, what will happen to the both of us? It will never change the fact that we are enemies.

“Everytime that we are together, even if we end up fighting, it still makes my heart beats fast,” he told me while he kept on staring straight into my and I could not seem to take my eyes off of him. “I kept asking myself what is happening to me, and I always ends up with the same answer. Even if I deny it, even if I kept telling myself that it is absurd because after all this year, I finally felt that thing again.”

Hindi ako nagsalita at hinintay ko na lamang siyang matapos ang kaniyang sasabihin. Kahit na may ideya na ako kung ano iyon, gusto ko pa ring marinig iyon sa mismong bibig niya. Dahil siguro gusto ko ring sabihin sa sarili ko na pinapaasa ko lang ang sarili ko, kahit na iyon naman talaga ang gustong iparating ni Erebus.

“I like you, Menrui,” he told me that made my heart beats fast. “No, scratch that. Because I know that what I am feeling for you is deeper than the word like.”

And as he finished telling me that, my mind went blank.