The Lost Wolf

Chapter 11

AVA’S POV

            Oh goodness, what was I thinking when I said yes.  I know how he makes me feel and how my body reacts when I am near him.  This is a bad idea, I should go next door and tell him that I won’t be able to make it tonight.

            I keep trying to force myself to just go and cancel, but it’s like my body is refusing to do so.  Something is holding me back.  The more I try to resist my want to see him and be near him, the stronger my body resists against these thoughts.  I feel like something within me is fighting me back.  Whatever it is, is strong and has a great hold on me.  I have never felt a force within me so strongly.

            Even the thought of cancelling is causing a whirl of frustration within me and anger towards myself that I would even consider cancelling on him.

            As I start to close everything down for the night, I am beginning to feel anxious at the idea of meeting him.  I must make this quick, I don’t know what I will do if I am near him for too long.  I have enough difficulty being near him from a distance; how will I handle sitting right next to him.

            What will Alex think, I begin to worry.  It’s just as friends, nothing more.  And probably not even about that, probably more of just a thank you for your generosity.

            I keep trying to convince myself that this is merely a thank you as I head across the street to meet Liam.  No matter what I say to myself about tonight and how hard I try to convince myself that this get together means nothing, I am nervous, and my stomach has butterflies fluttering around inside of me.

            As I look through the window, I peer at the sight of him sitting at the table against the wall far front the front counter.  He has changed his clothes since I saw him this afternoon.  He is now wearing tight jeans and a blue button up shirt that makes his eyes shine against his dark brown hair which he has swept back away from his eyes. 

            Just looking at him from a distance makes my knees buckle in awe and the craving to be near him ever so strongly within me.  I have all my strength knocked out of me as I move my body closer and within his reach. 

            I don’t think I will be able to resist him.  This is a problem.

            The closer I become to him, the scent of him draws me in even further than I was before.  He has an earthy, musky smell that consumes all of my senses and draws me in closer than I wish to be.

            “Hi,” I say shyly as I sit down across from him trying to avoid his eye contact.  I’m afraid of what I will do if I look deep into the depths of his eyes.

            “I’m glad you were able to make it.”

            “Me too,” I reply to him honestly.  The truth is that every piece of me wants to be here with him, no matter how hard I try to deny that fact to myself.

            “I hope your fiancé didn’t mind sparing you tonight for a little coffee,” he states as he hands over a cup of caramel macchiato like I had this afternoon as well as a slice of coffee cake.

            How strange, how did he know that I enjoy coffee cake.  I never ordered one from him before.  Maybe Julia who is usually working let him know my normal order.

            “Well, I sort of didn’t tell him.” I realize at that moment that I probably made a mistake by keeping this from Alex.  It is just an innocent beverage with a friend  Even I know that is probably a lie.  No matter how much I deny my feelings, I have a strange bond with him.

            “When is the wedding?”

            “A little less than 2 months.  Too be honest, I am feeling a little nervous about the upcoming nuptials.  A piece of me doesn’t feel ready.”

            Why am I oversharing?  I haven’t let anyone know these thoughts and here I am sharing this information with someone who I just met.  I haven’t even let Kristen know about these thoughts, and I share absolutely everything with her.

            “If you are having doubts, why are you getting married so soon?”

            I’ve been thinking about this myself as well. He has been my one and only love, but lately, it just feels off and wrong.

            “I love him,” I decide to reply to him.  Although by the look on his face, I don’t think he exactly believes me.  I think I have been trying to convince myself of this for so long, that the truth is.  I might not.

            “Are you sure because you don’t seem like you are positive of that?”

            I look up at him sadly, and I realize at that moment that I said yes for my family and because he was my first and only love.  I didn’t say yes for me and for what I truly want.

            Sitting with him, it feels right, and it makes me feel at ease and that I can share anything with him.  There is a trust which I feel with him.

            “I never wanted to admit it truly to myself, but I don’t think I do.  I think it was easy and I wanted to believe that I should, but I don’t,” I blurt out. 

            At this moment, I really want to leave and tell Alex.  I have to end things with him.  This may upset him and my family, but it is the right thing to do.  I can’t keep stringing his heart along when he is not who I feel is right for me.  We both deserve more.

            As I look over at Liam, he looks happy at what I just said.  Why does this leave a spark of delight in me?

            It seems that we have been talking for hours as we close down the coffee house for the night.  I don’t want to leave just yet, but I know that I must speak to Alex.  I have to get this over tonight before he hears from someone else that I spent the night talking to someone other than him.

            We live in such a small town that I know word will get to him quickly.

            As we walk out of the coffee house tonight, I want to reach over to Liam and wrap my arms around him for a passionate kiss, but I find all the muster in me to withhold my temptations.

            “I had such a wonderful evening,” I say as I pull my body away from his.  “I hope to see you again.”

            “I loved every moment of tonight.  Goodnight beautiful.”