A Love to Burn

Kabanata Dalawa

The sun was setting when I went home from my part-time work. I took an early leave so that I could talk longer to Seatiel. Ngayong araw kasi ay napag-usapan namin na mag-fa-facetime kami pagkatapos ng trabaho. It has been our routine to face time each other at least twice or thrice a month lalo na kapag hindi busy ang mga schedule namin.

It has been almost a year since I flew here to Paris to attend my studies. Mag-iisang taon na rin akong nag-aaral ng fashion marketing sa International Fashion School, one of the most prominent fashion schools in the country. The school offers a 3-year course in fashion with different specializations and I chose to study fashion marketing. Ang goal ko kasi ay ang magkaroon ng sariling clothing store at palakihin iyon bilang isang kompanya, and I thought studying that course would help me.

Before I went here, Seatiel and I had a promise to each other, and that promise was still living up until now. We agreed to break up but we promised that we would wait for each other until we meet again. Our break-up was a mutual decision so we were still talking even though we were not in a relationship anymore.

Wala pang naging palya ang pag-uusap naming dalawa, and I thought that it would be like that until I come back home, but I was wrong.

Nothing is permanent in this deceiving world.

“Hello, Se? I thought we’re going to have a facetime right now, why are you only calling me?” Ngumuso ako nang makitang tawag lang ang ginawa ni Seatiel. I really wanted to see his face, though.

Matagal na tahimik ang kabilang linya. Tinignan ko pa kung sino iyong caller at baka hindi naman talaga si Seatiel iyon. But it was clearly stated on the caller ID that it was him, it was his name written on the phone. Bigla akong kinabahan, may problema ba?

“Hello, Marga,” paos ang boses niya nang magsalita. Now, I know that there is something wrong. Whenever he calls me or whenever we face time, he’s always calling me ‘Ga.’ It was his endearment for me but right now, he’s calling me by my name. It shouldn't be a big deal but I have a feeling that I am right about my hunch.

"Y-Yes, it’s me,” pabulong kong sagot. Nawala ang confidence na mayroon ako kanina.

When he sniffed, I immediately thought that he was crying. “Marga, I don’t think I can still keep my promise. I’m sorry…”

He hung up the phone shortly after that.

That memory is still vivid to me until now. Ang mga salitang binitiwan niya, ang tono ng pagbigkas niya ng mga salitang iyon, lahat ay malinaw pa rin sa alaala ko... As if it was hunting me even on my sleep, because I dreamed about it for how many times.

There was no explanation after he said that. Hindi na rin siya tumawag pagkatapos noon. I tried calling him and I couldn’t count how many times I dialed his number every day. Iyon na rin ang huli naming pag-uusap dahil hindi niya naman sinasagot ang mga tawag ko. Kahit ang mga message ko sa kaniya ay hindi niya binabasa at hindi niya rin ni-re-reply-an.

After a few months, I had learned that he already have a new girlfriend. Nalaman ko iyon kay Inori dahil asawa niya ang kuya ni Seatiel na si Mr. Mendrez, isa sa mga professor namin noong 4th year college. Ang hindi ko na lang alam ngayon ay kung sila pa rin ba noong girlfriend niyang iyon. I stopped caring about it after I cried for months, worst, a year. I also burned my feelings for him back in Paris so I didn't really care anymore.

All I had for him right now is detestation. At mas lalo lamang lumalaki ang pagkamuhing nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya ngayong nakatayo siya sa harapan ko.

I said something with pure sarcasm in my voice. I’m sure he still remembered what happened 3 years ago, hindi madaling kalimutan ang sarili mong kasalanan.

Tinaasan ko ng isang kilay ang seryoso niyang ekspresyon. I also smiled at him like he was some kind of joke in front of me. Hindi man lang nagbago ang mukha niya. It didn’t have any humor in it. How professional, huh?

“I’m just the substitute for Architect Escarra. He was supposed to be your Architect,” he stated what's obvious.

I almost rolled my eyes but I just did it mentally. Humalukipkip ako at hindi pa rin nawawala ang isang kilay ko na nakataas habang nakatingin sa kaniya. “That’s the point. You should give your best, right? Linda recommended you to me.”

“Yes,” matipid siyang ngumiti. “I won’t disappoint you, Ms. Marga.”

Nahirapan akong lumunok nang marinig kong bigkasin niya ang pangalan ko. Nag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin nang maramdaman ang pangingilid ng aking mga luha. Umiling ako sa aking sarili upang ma-distract ang isipan. s**t, bakit ngayon pa? I can't cry in front of him! f*****g stop!

“O-Okay.” Tumalikod na ako kay Seatiel bago niya pa makita ang namumula kong mga mata. “I’ll tell Linda when I can come here again.”

Huminga ako nang malalim bago naglakad palabas ng kaniyang opisina. I put down my shades on my eyes again and shut his door loudly. Nanginginig kong tinanggal ang aking kamay mula sa pagkahahawak noon sa door knob.

I gritted my teeth. What a good liar you are, Marga. Moved on? Who? Detestation? Galit? Poot? Iyon na lang ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo, o pinaniniwala mo lang ang sarili mo? Because clearly, you're not over him. You’re just good at hiding your feelings at natatakpan lang ng pagkamuhi mo sa kaniya ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman mo.

Well, yeah. Maybe, that’s a good thing… Being angry at him is a good thing.

“Aalis na po kayo, Ms. Marga?” Sinalubong ako ni Linda nang lumiko na ako sa may hallway.

“Yes, I’ll just contact you after a few days. I need to rest,” mabilis ang lakad ko palabas ng Archit Legacy ngunit pinilit ni Linda na makasabay sa akin dahil mukhang may sasabihin pa siya.

Ang hawak na papel ni Linda ay inabot niya sa akin na ikinakunot ng noo ko. Kung hindi pa siya nagsalita ay hindi ko tatanggapin iyon.

“This is Mr. Mendrez’s schedule, Ms. Marga. He will be your official architect from now on.”

Kinuha ko iyon sa kamay niya. “Thanks.”

Malakas akong bumuntong-hininga nang makalabas na ako sa firm. Isang lingon pa sa building ang ginawa ko bago ako naglakad paalis. If I could, hindi na ako ulit babalik pa roon. Ngunit wala na, I already agreed to it. Bumuntonghininga ako at inisip ang mga nangyayari. My ex is my architect! Iyong ex ko na ayaw ko ng makita pang muli at pinilit kong kalimutan noong nasa Paris pa lamang ako ay makakasama ko pa pala rito! Tama nga si Asia, malaki ang tsansa na magkita kaming muli at nagkatotoo na iyon ngayon.

And I almost f*****g cried in front of him! I’m embarrassed! Hindi dapat ako umiyak sa harap niya, hindi puwede. Hindi ako puwedeng maging mahina. I need to compose myself when I’m with him. It would be like a challenge to me dahil hindi ako nag-iisip nang tama kanina.

But wait, hindi niya ba alam na ako ang kliyente? Bakit niya tinanggap iyon? Talaga bang wala siyang konsensiya at hindi niya pinagsisisihan ang ginawa niya o ako na lang ang nakadikit pa rin ang mga paa at hindi makaalis sa nakaraang iyon?

Umiling ako. I feel pathetic while thinking about this.

“Marg, here!” Kumakaway si Leila sa akin at iminumuwestra ang bakanteng upuan sa tabi niya.

I smiled a little and walked faster. Naghihintay silang dalawa sa akin ni Inori sa restaurant na malapit sa Archit Legacy tulad ng napag-usapan namin kanina.

“How’s your talk with the architect?” tanong kaagad ni Leila nang makaupo ako.

I looked at her, then at Inori. They were expecting me to tell them a story and I would give it to them right now. Sigurado akong magugulat sila sa kanilang malalaman.

“It’s your husband’s brother, Inori. My ex.” I rolled my eyes.

“What?!” Napanganga si Inori sa sinabi ko. “Kaya pala parang familiar iyong pangalan ng firm…”

Leila, on the other hand, didn’t have a surprised reaction. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ang normal lang na reaksyon niya na para bang hindi big deal iyon at expected niya na ganoon ang mangyayari.

“You’re not surprised, Lei?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “No? I already knew that it’s Seatiel’s firm. Malaki talaga ang chance na siya pa ang magiging architect mo.”

“And you didn’t even tell me?” Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa kaniya at napailing.

“I believed that you should talk to him for closure, Marg.” Hinawakan niya ang braso ko na nakapatong sa table. “You deserve it. I know you still haven’t moved on and you’re just forcing yourself. I want you to move forward without looking back, okay? So, I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you earlier.”

I sighed. Totoo iyong sinabi ni Leila. Pero hindi ko rin alam kung gusto ko bang magkaroon ng closure sa kaniya. Hindi ko iniisip iyon sa ngayon dahil gusto ko munang mag-focus sa sarili ko at sa pinaplano kong negosyo.

“Lei’s right, Marg. You should talk to him if you get the chance. For proper closure na lang, you deserve an explanation directly from him kahit na alam mo na ang tunay na dahilan…”

Tumango ako sa sinabi ni Inori. The reason why Seatiel couldn’t keep his promise anymore because he already found someone else while I was still in Paris. Hindi iyon sinabi ni Seatiel sa akin ngunit nalaman ko pa rin. Siguro naman ay inasahan niya na rin na malalaman ko iyon because we have the same circle of friends.

“Anyway, let’s just eat for now. I’m starving.” Iniba ko na ang usapan dahil gusto ko ng magpahinga at ayaw ko ng isipin ang tungkol doon.

Maraming nagbago simula noong umalis ako sa bansa. Siguro ay iyong mga nagtataasang building ay mas dumami pa sa paningin ko at katulad sa Paris, high-tech na rin ang mga kagamitan dito sa Pilipinas. Ngunit ang traffic, hindi ‘ata nagbago. Ganoon pa rin. Mabagal pa rin ang usad ng mga kotse, jeep, at iba pang mga sasakyan.

“What the friggin’ hell.”

Panay ang pagpunas ko sa aking mga luha habang nakaupo sa mahabang sofa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit narito ako ngayon sa loob ng dati kong apartment ngunit dito ako nagpahatid kina Leila at Inori dahil balak kong dito muli tumira. It was taken care by the caretakers that I hired when I wasn’t around so it was still clean. Hindi ko naisip na babalik sa akin ang lahat ng mga alaala na kasama ko si Seatiel habang narito ako ilang taon na ang nakalilipas.

Noon, parang bahay na rin ito ni Seatiel dahil madalas siyang bumisita sa akin. The sofa, the dining room’s chair, my own room, the vacant room. Lahat ng iyon ay may alaala siya. Staying here is wrong after all.

I clutched on my left chest while my tears were pooling on my face. Hindi ko alam na magiging ganito ako pagkarating na pagkarating ko pa lamang dito. I was expecting myself to be laughing while watching some movies I still haven’t watch. Why am I crying my heart out right now?

Tumunog ang phone ko dahil sa isang tawag. Kinuha ko iyon sa center table at sinagot ang tawag nang hindi tinitignan ang caller ID.

“H-Hello?” Gumaralgal ang boses ko dahil sa pag-iyak.

The caller cleared their throat before speaking, “Hello, this is Seatiel. I got your number from Linda…”

Tinakpan ko ang aking labi upang mapigilan ang paghikbi. Just when I’m crying because of you! Nananadya ba talaga ang tadhana? Just, f*****g why?!

“Hello? Marga?” Nagsalitang muli si Seatiel nang hindi ako sumagot. How could I speak when I know that my voice would crack if I say a single word?

“I heard that you just came back from Paris, I’m sorry if I’m calling you when you’re supposed to have a rest right now.” He sighed at tumigil ng ilang segundo sa pagsasalita. “I just want to say that I hope we can get along and perhaps, we can be friends…”

Natigil ako sa pag-iyak at tinanggal ko rin ang aking kanang kamay na nakatakip sa aking labi. Pakiramdam ko ay umakyat ang lahat ng dugo ko sa aking utak dahil sa sinabi niya. Really? Is he serious? Friends? Kami?

“F*ck you,” mariin kong sambit at binabaan siya ng tawag.