THE CROWDED HOUSE

CHAPTER 1 SETTING: The only room of John the Carpenter's cottage. AT RISE: Everyone is busy and the room crowded. Upstage center, GRANNY is rolling out a piecrust. To left of center stage, MARY ANN is churning butter. Downstage left, MOTHER and MOLLY are winding wool; MOLLY holds the skein while MOTHER winds. Downstage center sits MEG, surrounded by her dolls; she is pouring tea for them out of an imaginary teapot. Downstage right, TOM and JOSEPH are sorting apples from one basket into two others. At right of stage, FATHER is hammering nails into a table he is making; at rise, he gives a few actual hammer blows, then pantomimes, once others start talking. At center of stage, MARTIN and WILLY are playing "wheelbarrow"; MARTIN walks on his hands while WILLY holds his ankles. JOAN is trying to sweep the floor. Throughout the entire scene, the characters pantomime to each other, as if to say: "You're in my way. Please move aside." MEG (Rescuing her dolls, as MARTIN and WILLY'S "wheelbarrow" approaches): Oh me, oh my! I wish we weren't so crowded! WILLY: So do I! There's not even room for the mice in this house. (MARTIN pads toward butter churn, WILLY following.) MARY ANN: Shoo, Willy! Martin-scat! How can I churn my butter? (MARTIN pads toward FATHER, WILLY following.) FATHER (TO MARTIN and WILLY): Children, don't play here. There isn't any room. JOAN (Pausing with broom in front of apple baskets): Joseph! Tom! Please move aside. How can I sweep? (BOYS carrying baskets move angrily toward Meg.) MEG (Again rescuing dolls): No, Tom, you mustn't sit here. You're right in the middle of my tea party! (MEG, TOM, and JOSEPH pantomime a quarrel. Others all begin talking at once.) ALL: You're in my way. Please move over. How can I work? There's no room in this house! Why must we be so crowded? FATHER (At the top of his lungs): Quiet! Be still, I say. (Others are silent. FATHER clutches his head.) Oh my ears and shoe buttons! All this noise! You'll drive me out of my wits! (A knock is heard at door left.) MOTHER: Husband, I hear a knock at the door. (Knock is repeated.) FATHER: Aye, good wife. I hear it. (Loudly) Come in. BARTHOLOMEW (Entering. Leans on his staff and bows): Good day to you, my friends. GRANNY: Why, 'tis Wise Bartholomew himself! BARTHOLOMEW (Bowing again): None other GRANNY (Turning around): Mary Ann! Your churn is in my way. (GRANNY and MARY ANN gesture protestingly at each other.) BARTHOLOMEW: Very well. In seven days and seven nights, I shall come again, to see how you are faring. Good day, my friends. (Exits) FATHER: I suppose I'd better fetch the goat. (Exits) MOTHER: A goat in this room! JOAN: What a strange idea! MEG (Pulling her dolls close): I'm scared of goats. MARY ANN: Fiddlesticks! Old Bartholomew is the wisest man in the village. His advice must be good. FATHER (From offstage): Watch out, everybody! Clear the way. Here comes the goat! (ALL gather up their possessions, prepare to dodge, crying: "Ooooh! Watch out! The goat!" etc. GOAT rushes onstage, heading straight for TOM and JOSEPH, who run out of the GOAT'S path. FATHER tries to hold GOAT back by rope, but is pulled along instead.) ALL (AS GOAT charges around the stage): Help! Watch out! He's coming this way! Help! MOTHER (Clutching head): Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I very much fear That inviting this goat Was a bad idea!