The Benefit of Us

One

2 months earlier ...

Our last subject teacher for today bade us goodbye. 

I picked up my belongings and arranged my bag. I don't have after school activities so I can go home. 

I decided to drop by the comfort room just to take a quick look at the mirror. I applied lip balm and put on some powder and a hint of blush. I looked at the mirror one last time before going out. 

My room is on the 5th floor, all the STEM students in our school are there. I texted Ivan if he wanted to go home with me. He didn't reply so I decided to stop by his room. Ivan and I have been friends since 7th grade. Now that we are in senior high, he chose a different strand so we won't be in the same class. 

I walked to 4th floor room 405 and peeked out of their room. I saw him laughing with his friends. He looked at me, I immediately smiled. He excused himself from his friends and walked towards me. 

"Why don't you go home? I texted you." I said.

He scratched the back of his head. "I can't go with you first, can I? We still have work to do. The deadline for our paper with Sir Romualdez is tomorrow." 

I acted as if I wasn't disappointed. Lately we haven't really seen each other, maybe I'm not really used to him not always being with me.

"It's OK." 

His phone beeped. "Uh, I'm really sorry Vera, I'll take it back next time promise! You're free of quack-quack." he took at his phone and smiled. What could he be smiling? 

"okay, I'll go now." I said. 

habang nakatutok parin siya sa kanyang cellphone, he nodded. "Sige ingat ah? text mo ko pag nakauwi kana." 

With a sullen feeling, I headed home. Pasakay na sana ako ng jeep nang naisipan ko munang tumambay sa coffee shop na medyo malapit sa school namin. I got nothing better to do anyways. 

I  got inside the coffee shop and immediately ordered their best selling iced coffee and cheesecake. I sat at a vacant seat on the second floor of the coffee shop. Wala masyadong tao kaya ang tahimik ng paligid.

I've been in love with Ivan ever since I knew him. I guess it is the comfort that he brings or the security that he was always there.  I really don't know, I can never say why I do. I saw him and I knew I wanted to be with him as long as I can. I guess I'm pretty good at hiding what I feel or its the fact na ang manhid lang niya talaga para hindi niya maramdaman. I'm guessing its the latter. 

Hindi naman ako nasobrahan sa katangahan para matrap sa title na best friend. I never considered him as mine, I know he doesn't consider me as his bestfriend too. We were close but meron parin yung boundaries, I know I am special to him, maybe not as special as I want to be in his life. We became friends because we were always there near each other, not really because he really wanted to be my friend. If hindi kami naging magkaklase all these years, I bet hindi talaga kami aabot sa ganito. I guess our friendship started out of convenience and I take no shame in that. I will take what I can get, that's just how much I love him.

Lately nakikita ko siyang may kasamang babae. He looked at her... differently. This is not the first time I've encountered this problem though. May ilan na siyang nagustuhan noon pero never naging ako. Like always, I would watch from a far, praying to all the gods I know na sana hindi maging sila, sana hindi siya gusto nang babaeng gusto niya. Selfish ba ako? maybe. Lahat naman tayo siguro naging ganyan pagdating sa taong gusto natin. 

Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras, gabi na at kaylangan ko na talagang umuwi. Nasa labas na ako ng coffee shop nang makita ko si Ivan sa gate ng school namin. May dala siyang mga folder at .... sling bag? 

As he exited the gate I saw someone behind him. May kasama siyang babae at dala nya ang bag nang babaeng yun. Both of them were too engrossed with each other's stories kaya sigurado akong hindi nila ako makikita. 

Ang saya nila tingnan, nakakasuka. 

Ewan ko ba kung napaka pessimist ko nalang talaga at ininantay ko pa talaga silang makasakay ng jeep bago ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanila.  Nakita ko na yung babae na yun eh, ABM student ata di ko lang maalala san ko siya nakita. 

"You like him." 

nagulat ako nang may biglang sumulpot na lalaki sa tabi ko. I looked at him and saw that it was Lucas, Ivan's classmate. He was holding a cup of what seems to be coffee from the same coffee shop I went. 

"Excuse me?" I said, trying to keep a straight face. 

"Ivan's too stupid to notice. But kita ko kung paano mo siya tingnan." he said as he took a sip of his coffee. 

I walked towards the jeepney stop habang nakasunod lang siya sa akin. I guess there's no point in denying it huh?

"So are you gonna tell him?" 

He looked at me in the eye. "That's your secret to say." he smiled.

I stayed silent after that. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Marami na akong iniisip at dadagdag pa ito. 

"Ellise Fajardo" 

I looked at him weirdly, Who is this Ellise?

"That's the girl's name. Try not to murder her in your mind okay?" he said as he threw his cup at a nearby trashcan and walked away from me. 

Okay? Did I look like I was about to murder the girl? well yeah, maybe. Now that I know her name, mas madali na ang paghahanap ko nang info sa babaeng yun. Don't get me wrong, hindi ko naman siya aawayin o ano eh, may delikadesa pa naman ako. I just want to know who I'm up against. 

Sakto naman na may jeep na dumating at sumakay na ako. Dahil sa traffic, kung saan-saan na umaabot ang utak ko.  Kung napansin ni Lucas na gusto ko si Ivan, hindi imposibleng may iba na ding nakapansin sa akin. Ugh, am I really that obvious? o napaka observant lang talaga nang lalakeng yun kaya nalaman niya. Magkaibigan sina Ivan at Lucas pero hindi naman sila yung tipong palagi talagang magkasama. Ewan ko ba, siguro nga dapat na talaga akong magconfess , ayokong malaman niya sa iba na gusto ko siya.

---

Kakarating ko lang sa bahay namin and I headed straight to my room. I am craving for a proper meal but I'm too lazy to cook. My mom is not home as usual which is fine, she's a doctor so she's always at the hospital.  I'm the only one in the house at sanay na ako sa ganitong set up. 

I did a quick shower and changed into my pajamas, it was 7pm already. Agad kong binuksan ang laptop ko at inumpisahan ang aking quick research on Ellise Fajardo. I immediately saw her f*******: because we had quite a number of mutual friends. She's really pretty, I'll give her that.  

I get why she's familiar now, she's my classmate's friend. Pumupunta siya sa room namin tuwing break time. I saw a picture of her with my classmate, Dana and some other people. I guess they went to the same junior high school.

Her life is pretty average in my opinion. Hindi rin naman siya palaging nagpopost ng pics niya, mostly tagged photos lang ang nandun. I did my assignments and studied for my quiz tomorrow.  I was focused at what I'm doing I was surprised when I looked at the clock and it was already 9pm. Kumalam ang tiyan ko kaya naisipan kong bumaba para kumuha nang makakain. I made myself a peanut butter sandwich and poured myself some milk. I was scrolling through my newsfeed when a notification came.

Lucas Rodriguez sent you a friend request...

I tapped on his profile. As expected, his f*******: is so empty. His profile picture is a photo of him in a coffee shop, hindi siya nakangiti pero hindi rin siya nakasimangot. Tagged photos lang ang makikita sa timeline niya. 

I accepted his friend request. 

I was lurking in his profile when I saw a tagged photo of him in his junior high years. He looked the same but it wasn't him who caught my attention. I'm guessing the photo was a stolen shot of him and his classmates. He was smiling while a girl was talking to him animatedly. I zoomed in on the girl and my suspicions are right. 

The girl is Ellise, they know each other. 

I mean, that shouldn't come as a surprise. He knows her name so he knows her. I finished eating my food and checked the house if everything was locked. I prepared my things for tomorrow and went to bed. 

Whatever it is that's going on with Ivan and Ellise, I know it's gonna blossom into something more. I spent the previous years of my life looking at him and I know he likes her a lot. In the likely chance that they would date, (though I am still hoping that they won't) I just hope that they won't last. 

I'm in for a new set of heartbreak.