The Benefit of Us

Two

It was a week after my faithful encounter with Lucas, for a few days I wondered if I should confess to Ivan but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. 

Rejection is so f*****g scary, not to mention that it might ruin our friendship.

30 mins before our first class starts. there weren't too many people in the room so I went down to the cafeteria to buy some iced coffee. I was about to go back when I saw Lucas holding a cup of coffee too. 

I've seen him for a few times in the past week but we just give each other a simple nod. I really don't want anything to do with him but he's the only one who knows how I feel. I never had close friends to talk about these things. I know a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider them as close friends, I never had anyone who I can truly call my bestfriend or even close friend for that matter.

It's okay though, I talk to people, sometimes I hang out with my classmates. Its like I'm everyone and no one's friend. 

Lucas glanced towards me as I was about to head back to the room. I smiled at him out of courtesy and went on my way.

"Vera!" he called as he walked towards me.

"yes?" I waited for him and we continued to walk together.

"Did you and Ivan go home together yesterday?" 

"Hindi, may gagawin daw siya na group project eh." I said as I sipped my coffee. 

"Okay." 

"Bakit mo natanong?" I inquired more. 

" Wala." I can sense that he was hesitant about telling me something but I don't want to pry more. That's his business.

" Natapos na namin ang group project last monday pa." sabi niya. "He was probably with Ellise." 

"Okay." Hindi naman ito ang first time na nagsinungaling si Ivan sa akin, sino naman ako para magreklamo? If ayaw niya makisabay sa akin pauwi okay lang naman ah. Its not like pinipilit ko siya.

Nakarating na kami sa floor niya at nagpaalam na siya sa akin. I went to my classroom, halos nandito na lahat ng classmates ko. I went to my seat and checked my social media while waiting for our adviser.

"Good morning Vera!" my seatmate, Carly greeted me. She is really bubbly at friend ng lahat. Madaldal din siya kaya mostly siya lang ang kausap ko sa room. 

"morning" I greeted back.  

I can sense that she wanted to initiate a conversation but I looked intently at my phone just to avoid the coming conversation. Pagpinagbigyan ko siya na magsalita, hindi na yan tatahimik. She began roaming around the room as she talked to my other classmates. 

Our teacher arrived shortly and the morning classes began.

----

In the middle of the discussion my phone suddenly buzzed, it was on silent mode so no one really noticed. I stopped taking notes and took out my phone carefully para hindi makita ng teacher namin. 

I received a message from my mom, hindi raw siya makakauwi this week again. I quickly replied with an "ok" and put my phone away. 

My mom works at a hospital in Manila, she used to work here in Cebu but she is finishing up on a research paper she's making at mas convenient sa kanya pag nandon siya. It's just the two of us. My Dad never took the responsibility of having me. He has his own family now, sometimes he sends me money, most of the time he doesn't. I really don't care, my mom and I can manage on our own just fine. 

I guess I've learned how to be independent ever since I was young. Wala palagi si Mama pero hindi naman siya nagkulang sa pagbigay ng mga pangangailangan ko. I had a yaya in elementary that took care of me but when I became a teenager, I insisted on taking care of myself. It's more convenient this way, besides, I love the independence. 

I was snapped back to reality when our teacher bade his goodbye, at last tapos narin ang morning classes. 

I was going over my notes and fixing my scribbles when Ivan texted me that he wanted to have lunch together. Me being marupok as always, I immediately agreed. Inayos ko agad sarili ko and grabbed my wallet as I headed to the cafeteria. 

Nasa 4th floor na ako nang biglang may kumalabit sa akin. 

"Long time no bonding!" he laughed. 

I rolled my eyes, "Ang energetic mo ata? Libre mo ah." Biro ko sa kanya

"Oo naman, pero budget mo is 50 pesos lang ah. Ikaw na sa drinks." Ivan teased me as we walked towards the cafeteria together. 

"Ang kuripot! Ako na bibili ng pagkain ko, gugutumin mo pa yata ako eh." Haynako, alam ko namang binibiro lang niya ako. 

Pagkababa namin sa cafeteria ay naghanap na ako  ng bakanteng lugar. Alam na ni Ivan ang gusto kong bilhin kaya siya na ang pumila para bumili. 

We settled down and started eating. He was giving me some slices of his porkchop when his eyes seem to caught someone from behind me. 

"Huy! Sino tinitingnan mo?" Tumalikod ako para tingnan kung sino iyon. 

Nakita ko si Elise a few meters away from us. I looked back at him and grabbed another slice of porkchop from his plate out of spite. Andito ako sa harapan niya pero iba yung hinahanap, sarap hampasin!

"Hoy grabe kana, binigyan na kita ah!" Sabi niya sabay kuha nang inorder kong lumpia.

" Parang ayaw mo yata kainin eh. Patapos na ako oh" I motioned to my plate. 

He just laughed. I looked back subtly at nakita ko na nakaupo two chairs away from us si Ellise, she is with a few friends and I don't know if it was just me pero parang nakita ko siyang tumingin sa lugar namin. 

We continued our lunch and Ivan was telling me stories about their class. I was laughing a lot. I guess isa din to sa dahilan bakit gusto ko siya. Ang dali niyang kausap, hindi siya intimidated sa akin. Most people would be afraid to approach me but he never did. 

I looked at my watch, I still have 30 minutes till our afternoon classes starts. I was doing a mental checklist on the things i need to do. when I was interrupted by Ivan.

"Do you need to go? malapit na deadline ng academic paper niyo ni Sir Gio diba?" he said. 

" ah oo, dadaan siguro ako sa library before heading back sa room." I said. 

" Kung gusto mong umalis na, okay lang naman. May pupuntahan din ako."  he smiled, hindi pa siya tapos kase kwento ng kwento at palaging distracted sa paligid. 

"Sige una na ako, sabay tayo uuwi?" i asked hopefully.

"Di pa ako sure, text nalang kita okay?" 

I nodded and head towards the library. 

Nasa library na ako nang namalayan ko na naiwan ko pala ang wallet ko sa upuan ng cafeteria. Hindi na ako nagpanic dahil wala din namang kukuha don, it was old and had little cash in it. I dont bring money all the time. Pababa na ako ulit patungong cafeteria nang makasalubong ko si Lucas. I gave him a little nod as acknowledgement.  We are now walking side by side but no one initiated to talk and I kinda appreciate that. I f*****g hate small talk. 

I was searching the cafeteria, baka nandito pa si Ivan at nakita niya ang wallet ko pero sa kapalaran ko nga naman, He is with that stupid girl. Ah forgive me, but I can at least vex her in my mind right?! 

He was leaning towards her, one hand on the table and the other on the back of her chair. She was looking back at him and she looks mesmerized. I wouldn't blame her, cause who wouldn't? Ivan is tall, not muscular but has an athletic body and his eyes are the lightest brown- almost hazel. Don't get me started with his smile! that damned smile and laugh. 

I shook my thoughts away and that's when I noticed Lucas was watching them too. he was a few steps away from me but I could tell that he was looking at them. 

and then like an epiphany it dawned at me...

I took a step towards Lucas, there was distance between us but it was enough for him to realize my presence.  He did not look at me, he kept staring at them, my eyes gazed down to his hand and I saw him clenching the water bottle he is holding.

"You like her." 

I said it without thinking. I was about to say something when he glanced towards me. Naglakad siya patungo sa akin. Nanatiling nakatutok ang aking mga mata sa kanya. We are now two steps apart. 

For some reason, I felt nervous. 

"Yes, I do." He stopped in his tracks and glanced back at Ellise who was a few meters away from us.

"Does she know?" I asked.

"No." Of course she doesn't.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. I stayed silent.

"Doesn't matter anyway. I'm fine liking her like this." He said.

"Doesn't change the fact that it sucks." I murmured.

I heard him chuckle. "Pareho lang naman tayo ng situation ah." 

I smirked. We do have the same situation. 

"I plan on confessing. Siguro pag graduation na." I said.

"You plan on liking him till graduation? Wow." he looked at me but I know he wasn't surprised by what I said. 

"No, I'm just sure that I will still like him till graduation. It's not my choice you know." I rolled my eyes.

It's never our choice when we like someone and when we do, it's hard to stop. I've learned to just go with the flow and wait till I my heart stops liking him. I just don't know when. I don't see it happening at least in the next couple of years.

"I'm pretty sure I'll still like her till graduation too." He said.

"Well, we both suck."

"Yes, we do."

We both laughed.