The Benefit of Us

Three

Ever since I knew Lucas' secret, I felt comfortable in his presence. He knew something about me I never talked to anyone about, not even my mom. He gave me no solid assurance that he would not tell Ivan but I just know he wont. Especially now that I know his feelings too, not that I would use that against him. I wont stoop that low, well at least not yet. We never know, my judgment gets cloudy especially when Ivan is involved.

Today is wednesday which means club day namin this afternoon. I woke up early and picked a book to bring for our club. I signed up for Literary club like I always did. I also know that we were the same in Ivan's club because ever since junior high school he was always in the literary club. He may not look like it but he reads, like a lot. One of the million things I like about him.

I arrived at school just 15 minutes before our morning ritual so I went up to our floor. Even if I woke up early, the traffic was getting worse earlier and I was still haggard. I went to the rest room to fix myself first. I sprayed on some perfume and combed my long straight hair. I also applied a nude colored lipstick, just enough that I didn’t look dead. 

It’s just annoying that I didn’t drink coffee this morning. I usually have the time to go to that coffee shop every morning to get my iced coffee pero wala, lecheng traffic yun. 

I entered the room and prepared my assignment for our first period. 

"Hi V! Morning." Carly greeted me. 

"Morning, Carly." I smiled. 

"Did you get traffic too? I heard there was an accident earlier so there was traffic. It's a good thing you're not late, I heard our first period will have a quiz." 

"s**t, I left my notebook at home." I was rummaging my bag for my notebook. I don't know if Miss Amanda will take the quiz, we just finished the exam last week. 

"Wanna take pictures of my notes?" Carly offered. She was beaming. To be honest, she's too good for her own good. 

I immediately took my phone out. "Thanks!" I took a picture of her notes. 

"Ang malas ko yata ngayon ah." I murmured. 

Carly chuckled. " Cheer up! Club day naman this afternoon kaya wala masyadong gagawin." 

The classes started and thanks to Carly I was able to get a passing score on our quiz. I'm not really dumb but I'm not so intelligent either. I get good grades because I study and work hard. I used to be so insecure about that, pero I realized na kung anong kinulang ko, dadaanin ko nalang sa sipag. Naging mantra ko na yan sa buhay. Gaya kay Ivan, If I'm not enough for him right now, I will work my ass off to be enough, I will stay by him no matter what. 

----

I just finished eating my lunch by myself and I am about to head to our club room. I texted Ivan na papunta na ako sa room.

To: Ivan 

Wait kita sa club room? btw, what book did you bring? 

It took him a while to respond, I was already sitting inside when my phone beeped. 

From: Ivan

V nalimutan ko sabihin hindi ako nag literary club this year. Sorryyyy, Enjoy though! Meet new friends!!! 

When I'm starting to think that this day does not get any worse, I get this?! I feel so f*****g betrayed right now, I dont even have the f*****g right to be. Why would he choose another club? and why now?? Ugh nakakainis! 

Galit na galit pa rin ako nang biglang nag vibrate ang phone ko. 

From: Ivan

Galit ka ba? Sorry naaa.  Sabay tayo uwi later ha? Will wait for  you sa main gate :)) 

Aba! He thinks he can just swoon me over his words just like that? Galit pa ako sa kanya. 

I fought against myself whether I should reply or not but my pride won and I kept my phone inside my pocket.  The club meeting started and that kept me occupied, we were introducing ourselves and what book we brought and everyone here seems pretty chill. I was next to introduce so I mentally prepared myself, I was never good at speaking in a group of people but I think I hide my nervousness pretty well. 

"Alright thank you Micah! next we have..." The club president send and looked at me. I stood up to introduce myself.

"Hello, I'm Vera Alessandra Sanchez, 17, Grade 11 - St. Augustine. The book I brought today is Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom" I mentally reminded myself to smile, just so I didn't look intimidating. 

Nagpatuloy ang introduction at pagkatapos ng lahat ay nagform kami nang circle para sa exchanging of books. We were passing the books around the circle while a random music was playingm when the music stops ang book na hinahawakan namin ay yun yung iuuwi namin for a reading. 

The music playing was Cold Cold Cold by Cage the Elephant.  The chorus was approaching and I the book I was eyeing the whole time I was here is only 4 person away from me, I was mentally praying for the song to stop when the book lands my hand.

The music stopped before the damned book could reach me. It was one person away! Ang malas ko talaga ngayon. I f*****g need coffee after this wretched day. 

I was still looking at the book, the girl was holding beside me. Nagdedebate na nga ako if makikiexchange ba ako sa kanya. I looked at the book I was holding and it was The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides. Psychological Thriller isn't really my thing but I'm okay with it. Siguro para sa akin talaga to, I guess I'll give it a try. 

"You have a week to read your books and on our next club day you will say a few words about it before we do our book swap again..." Nagsasalita pa ang club president ng may lumapit sa akin.

"You got my book." he said. He was tall and moreno. He has a clean cut hair and he smelled really nice. He gave off a cool vibe of some sort. I looked at my book and at him, then I looked at the book he was holding. 

"You got my book too." I said. 

"Yeah, I've heard about this. Maganda ang reviews nito, Tear-jerker daw." he said as he sat beside me. 

"I can't say the same as your book though. I'm not knowledgable about Psycho Thriller. " 

" Vera right? If ever magustuhan mo yung book, can I recommend you some more? " he looked at me smiling. 

"Uh, whats your name again? sorry I'm not good with names eh." no s**t Vera, eh hindi ka lang nakinig nung introduction eh. 

"No worries, It's Cyrus. So what do you think?" he said as he faced me, he looks so exited. Wala ba siya friends to annoy at ako ang napagdiskitahan niya?

"Uhm, okay sure. Pero kapag umiyak ka sa libro ko, can I recommend you some books too?" I said. I really don't have much people I know who reads the same books. Ivan preferred SciFi and I f*****g hate that genre. I forced myself to read Star Wars just because he likes it so much. 

"Deal." he said and shook my hand.

The club meeting ended and I was about to go home when I remembered Ivan's text. Nagtatampo pa rin ako sa kanya at alam kong pagnakita ko siya ay mawawala lang lahat ng galit ko. I saw Cyrus about to leave and hindi ko alam kung nasapian ba ako nang extrovertedness cause I initiated a conversation. 

" Pauwi kana?" 

"Yep but may dadaan muna ako sa music club, mayhihiramin akong guitar para sa isang project ko." he said. "Gusto mo sabay tayong uuwi? I live in Villa Carmela though, I dont know if pareho ba tayo nang dadaanan." 

"No s**t? I live in Villa Carmela too. I've never seen you there." I said.

"I'VE never seen you there. Palagi kaya akong nasa labas ng bahay, ikaw siguro tong nakamukmok lang sa kwarto. Am I right?" he chuckled. he was teasing me and he was enjoying it. 

I playfully rolled my eyes. "yeah, yeah whatever. Sabay na ako sayo." 

We headed down to the music room and we talked about books more. He was so into dark, mind twisting books while I was more into Life, Adventure, and Realization type of books. We were opposite that way but surprisingly, he felt really comfortable to talk too. 

We reached the music room and I opted to wait outside since hindi pa natapos ang music club sa kanilang meeting. Cyrus was taking a while that I decided to look through the windows just to see what he was doing. 

Instead of Cyrus, I saw someone else. What the hell is Ivan doing in the music club?! He can't even sing for s**t. He only knows how to play 3 chords on a guitar. THREE CHORDS! I looked into the room more and it felt like the world just landed on my shoulders. Across the room was Ellise, she was holding a microphone and she seems like she was singing . Her body was swaying a bit and the people around her seemed mesmerized. I looked back at Ivan and he was too. 

My prying was cut short when the door opened at lumabas si Cyrus. 

"You okay, namutla ka ata?" he said. 

"Yup, I'm okay. Let's go." 

Cyrus was about to say more but I dragged him out of there. I guess that signaled him not to ask me things.  While walking towards the gate, I slowly calmed down. I thought of much worse heartbreaks I have felt over the past years I have been in love with him. 

There was 9th grade when Ivan got his first kiss with that witch, Melissa. 10th grade when Ivan made a whole f*****g scrapbook with his then girlfriend Jenny, he even asked me to come up with a freaking poem! I reminded myself this was nothing compared to the things I have been through. Ellise, like all the other girls will just pass by his life. 

I was drowned in my thoughts till Cyrus handed me a bottle of water.

He looked at me curiously.

I looked back at him, looking so serious. "Don't. ask." 

He raised his hands as if showing he wont. 

We rode the jeep and went home. 

We were at the gate of our subdivision and I was walking towards my home when I realized Cyrus was still beside me. 

"Are you following me? or malapit lang talaga mga bahay natin?" I said. 

"My house is at Daisy Street." he pointed towards that street. 

" We're literally just a street away." 

"wait, Cornelia street? which house?" he asked looking towards my street. 

"Secret." I said and walked away. 

he shouted bye and I can hear him laughing from a far. I just waved my hand. 

------

Pagpasok ko nang bahay ay nagring kaagad ang phone ko. It was Ivan calling,  hindi ko namalayan na may 10 messages na pala ako galing sa kanya. 

I decided  to answer the phone.

"Where are you?" he said, he seemed out of breath. 

"Nasa bahay." I said as cold as I could. 

"I told you sabay tayo diba? I was waiting for you. I even went to your club room and your classroom." he sounded a bit annoyed. 

"Hindi ko naman sinabi na sasabay ako sayo ah? I'm ending this call, pagod ako." I felt like giving myself a pat on the back, way to go for not giving into him so easily. 

"Galit ka ba? It's just a club V, no big deal. Alam ko naman na wala kang masyadong kakilala pero I can't always--" I cut him off. Now I am really f*****g angry. 

" Hindi ako galit. I went home with someone, he was from my club. No need to worry. No need to feel responsible for me, kaya ko sarili ko." I said monotonously. 

"He? Do you eve--" I hanged up. 

God he confuses me! Why does he even care so much if he doesn't have feelings for me? I everytime I have decided to let go, I get pulled back because of his confusing actions. It's a f*****g cycle. I am in a f*****g loop and I don't know how to get out of it. 

I prepared my bathtub and I soaked for an hour till I felt slightly better. I called my mom just to check up on her but she didn't respond. She's probably at work right now. I ordered food for dinner and watched a movie by myself.

When have I started being so comfortable with my loneliness? Ivan once said my Independence drives people away cause they feel like I don't need people around. For once, I just want them to reach out more. I may not need people in my life, but I want them to be there. 

I curled up my sofa and started crying. It was a bad day today.