When We Love

Chapter 4 | What Now?

I walk in casually and spot him talking to an older couple. They start walking away, thanking him and I use this as my chance.

"Hey there! So I just wanted to say that you weren't making me uncomfortable earlier, it's just that you're so handsome and I got flustered!"

I try not to think about how sweaty and tired I might look, or how random my words sound.

"My name is Nicole. I'm 23 years old, a soon to be single mom to a brave and beautiful little girl. I work and usually don't have much free time, but if what I said doesn't scare you away, do you want to grab dinner sometime? Here's my name and phone number, I won't hold it against you if don't reach out."

I catch my breath, the nervousness finally catching up to me. "Well, thank you and have a great day!"

I don't wait to hear his response since I'm sure I'm tomato red and so embarrassed. Turning, I fast walk as fast as possible, weaving in and out of the crowd, grateful that he didn't come after me.

Why didn't he come after me? Maybe it's not meant to be.

For now, I'm just proud of myself and even though we'll never see each other again, I'm excited for my future in dating again!

I know now to raise my standards and find someone who will take care of us, because it's what we deserve.

I catch up to my parents car and we drive home. After my parents drop us off, I carry a sleeping Alice inside and gently lay her on the couch while I heat up some leftovers. Once dinner is ready, I wake her so she can eat.

Dinner is quiet, as we are both exhausted from a long day. Once we are both done, I take Alice upstairs for a quick bath. I have to keep talking to her to prevent her from nodding off in the tub while I bathe her. Finally, I dry her off and take her to bed.

She knocks out quickly, leaving me to finally think about what I’m going to do now. How do I go about this? I’m not worried about money because I’m the one with a job, and I’m definitely keeping this house which I’ve been paying off since he quit. Plus, my parents helped us with the down payment so it’s not like he contributed much. If he brings it up, I’ll just pay him what he paid.

What I am worried about is Alice. How will we handle this with her in the middle? How can I go about this without her getting hurt in the process? Should I just keep pretending I never saw anything and stay together for her until she’s older and understands better?

Ugh, I rub my temples to ease the headache that’s coming on. I need to sleep on this and plan this out. Maybe I should talk to Clara….I decide that I’m too tired, mentally and physically, to plan this out right now. Let’s just rest for now. The good thing is that I sleep with Alice on our bed and my husband sleeps in the guest room. I’ve never been more glad to have had this arrangement. Getting comfortable, I let myself fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

I wake to the sound of Alice murmuring in her sleep. I have the urge to pee, so I get out of bed as quietly as possible to not wake Alice up and take a quick glance at the clock.

4 am.

I sigh, I usually wake at 5am and could still have another hour of sleep but I know I'll probably just stay up now. I use the restroom and tiptoe by the guest room. The loud snoring confirms that my husband is asleep there and I walk to the kitchen deep in thought.

I never thought I'd had to think about divorce if I'm being honest. Sure, we bickered a bit but never to the point of not speaking to each other. And when Alice was born, we were the happiest we'd ever been. Jared was still super affectionate then, and was always buying me flowers. Our s*x life also didn't also didn't really change, other than the waiting period postpartum but after we were cleared we got together right away.

Speaking of, when was the last time we had s*x? I hadn't even thought about that. I've been so tired to even get in the mood, and I remember of the few times we had free, Jared also said he was too drained.

So many conversations are coming back to me now and I wonder how we managed to go this long. This can't continue, I just can't live life like this when I'm so unhappy with that man. Especially now that he's stopped paying attention to Alice too.

But then, another thought pops up. How will I explain this to Alice? How will she take it? How can I do this without her getting caught in the crossfire and blaming herself?

This is so new to me, as my parents never divorced and I've never met anyone that's gone through this or has been in my position. I try to stop myself from overthinking, a bad habit that's been forming for the past year.

First, I need to make sure I have everything in order. What do I need to do? I take out my phone and use the ever-handy Google.

After a bit of searching and typing in my exact situation, I just have more questions. Do I need a lawyer for this? I just want to kick him out now and never see his face again!

"Mommy, why are you mad?" I jump a little at my toddler who's standing in the hallway.

Trying my best to compose myself, I smile. "Oh, nothing baby just a video I was watching. Did you sleep okay?"

I get up to fix Alice's hair a bit, as it's a tangled mess and covering her eyes.

"Yeah, I had a weird dream. You were an octopus and we lived in a seashell."

I laugh out loud, her little imagination instantly cheering me up.

"Oh yeah? and what were you? My little octobaby?" I tickle her and relax with her little giggles.

She squeals and runs away, back to the room. I decide to leave my worries for a later time and walk to the kitchen. I think we could go for some pancakes and eggs.

Alice comes back right as I'm plating everything and her eyes immediately light up.

"Pancakes??" She runs to climb up the chair, her legs swinging in excitement as she patiently waits for me to take her the food.

"With chocolate chips??" Her excitement makes me smile and I nod.

"Just a few chocolate chips. Do you want regular milk or chocolate milk?" While she thinks about it, we both hear the sound of a door opening. I immediately tense up, not sure how to address my husband now that I know he's been cheating on me.

My husband comes out of the hallway with a groggy look, "G'morning. You made pancakes? S'There enough for the pancake monster?" Alice giggles and I force a smile.

"Yep, grab a plate."

I move away from the kitchen and sit beside my little girl, placing our plates down. I feel uncomfortable and don't know what to do.

Somehow, nothing seems normal anymore. I'm glad no one's picked up on it though, especially Alice.

I need to try my hardest to act like everything's okay before I make any permanent decisions. Can I make it through like this?