LIFE....As It Goes

Here I am 10, my dad has a friend I liked being around, she was fun and I enjoyed being at her house. We stayed there many times. I soon got to meet her neice and we became best friends, there was one incident I had walked into that really didn't sit well with me, her grandfather had told her to give him what he called "a sexy kiss " which meant a kiss with tounge. Clearly, she was uncomfortable, as was I. I asked her why does he ask for that kind of kiss, and with a face you could see was hurting, she began to tell me that he always asked for that. I knew that wasn't right, and she agreed. Their would be times that me and her would have to stay with her grandma and grandpa, this was the mother and father of my Dad's friend I had mentioned earlier. Of those nights, we had to stay there, I remember us hiding from him. I already knew this man was someone I wasn't going to be alone with. At least, i thought. Unfortunately neither me nor my friend had told anyone about the situation. I'm not sure why, but I wish we would have! Fast forward a couple of months, my dad had to drop me off at his friend's because he had to work. I was fine with that because again I really liked her. We would listen to Crazy, Sexy, and Cool by TLC. At this time, my dad's friend, I'll call her Cee. Cee had just had a baby boy, I love babies! Everything was fine. I was watching the movie "selena" , I always loved that movie. Cee told me she was going to nap with the baby. Was I going to be ok? Of course, I always pretended I was way more mature than I was. I shortly was shown how immature and young I was. There was a knock on her door and before I could get up to look, her dad had walked in, I got really nervous and scared as I said earlier on, I was never going to be alone with this man. I guess this was the first time I felt that intuition that we grow to see as just that. My gut was sick. I was shaking, and I knew something bad was going to happen, I felt it. I think the fear made him more persistent to take advantage of me. I remember him telling me to lay down, I lay there clinched up, scared, thinking what can I do. I just laid there and started to cry when he then got on top of me and r***d me, I couldn't and rather not go into full detail as it's hard to swallow. As he left, almost like in the movies. I sat with my knees to my chest in a corner, not crying but in shock, and I felt disgusting. I had wondered if he had done the same to my friend whom he always asked for a sexy kiss, honestly I don't even remember what exactly she said, but it did end up happening later on. My uncle had married a woman with a daughter a few years older than me, and we clicked instantly, I knew I could tell her anything. She had more of a tougher exterior. The type of girl you don't mess with. Eventually I told her a little about what had happened, till this day I can't remember what I said but I remember her saying , he better not try that on me, I'll kick his ass. To my understanding, later, he hinted at trying, but she shut it down fast. Why couldn't I be that strong and tough. My dad raised me to know how to fight and block, etc...but when you're in the situation, it isn't always as easy you think it would be. I never told another person about what I had recently gone through. In a way, I felt like it was my fault. I should have fought back. Why did I just lay there. Sadly, we can't go back and change how it all played out. I knew if I was to have told my dad, he'd kill him, I know he would have. That's when I began to not be so happy anymore, I had moments of happiness, but the pain and sick feeling always sat in the back of my mind, like a record skipping on replay. I didn't have any idea of how I could forget about it and just go back to being young and happy, 5th grade had ended and me and my friends were so excited to go to middle school together. That's what I'd focus on to keep from dwelling on what had happened. Next came more bad news for me, I was told I wouldn't be able to attend the same middle school that all my friends were going to, I wasn't in the right district. I got angry, so angry, I threw things in my room, cried, pulled my hair, I didn't understand why all this was happening to me, as I write this I begin realizing this was the beginning of my anger and acting out, taking knives out as if I was going to self harm myself.